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Thread: NFs dating SJs

  1. #31
    Senior Member Ruthie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unique View Post
    Uhhum

    Forgetting about us SPs I think

    It's alright, we're probably too cool for you anyway, carry on :P

    ps. but seriously kind of wondering, why would you be turned off SPs for having a bad experience with an SJ?

    We're in a completely different temperament for a reason if you didn't know
    Honestly, my bad experiences have mostly been with SPs. I've been pretty burned by them in the past.

  2. #32
    morose bourgeoisie
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    This created a HUGE conversational gap. We could not hold a conversation to save our lives. <crickets chirping> I experienced absolutely ZERO intellectual stimulation. I would say something and she would stay quiet. Some might mistake this for her being a "good listener." But I say NO. She never gave any feedback or contributed to the conversation - she didn't participate or add to what was being said. I was BORED to tears. She never had anything interesting, thought provoking, or engaging to say. The two times of year she did I got all excited and wrote it in my journal to cling to. When she did speak it was stuff like "we need to pay this bill, the trash needs to be taken out, etc."

    To her credit - she DID cook and clean, but I felt like I lived with a statue.
    It was like living a real life Groundhog's day - same (practical) stuff different day. All about routine. There was no "exchange" of ideas between us.
    Thanks Seeker22. This is one of the most insightful posts I've read here. It's very helpful to me. I'm 100% N, and sometimes this is a problem for me with my SJ GF.

  3. #33
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiddo View Post
    Most SJs I have known have become possessive of their relationships.
    Yup. Was with one for five years. My entire world shrank because she was jealous of EVERYONE and anyTHING that took my attention away from her. She isolated me from friends and family because she would sulk, pout, and throw a tantrum when I wanted to hang out with them and I dreaded her wrath so I just basically gave in to avoid the conflict. She accused me of affairs constantly even though I never once cheated or even came anywhere close. She wouldn't let me do anything alone she always had to come along. I eventually broke up with her and she continues to email, text, call, etc. - mind you ONE YEAR LATER!

  4. #34
    Senior Member whimsical's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    Thanks Seeker22. This is one of the most insightful posts I've read here. It's very helpful to me. I'm 100% N, and sometimes this is a problem for me with my SJ GF.
    I've had this problem quite a lot, too. It's pretty much the reason I seek out other Ns to form relationships with, that's not to say that I hate sensors, they just don't do much for me intellectually.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

  5. #35
    Senior Member Popsicle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by seeker22 View Post
    6) NF: Abstract / SJ: Concrete
    This created a HUGE conversational gap. We could not hold a conversation to save our lives. <crickets chirping> I experienced absolutely ZERO intellectual stimulation. I would say something and she would stay quiet. Some might mistake this for her being a "good listener." But I say NO. She never gave any feedback or contributed to the conversation - she didn't participate or add to what was being said. I was BORED to tears. She never had anything interesting, thought provoking, or engaging to say. The two times of year she did I got all excited and wrote it in my journal to cling to. When she did speak it was stuff like "we need to pay this bill, the trash needs to be taken out, etc."
    This scares me.

    My boyfriend is ISFJ. He is the kindest, most thoughtful person. He tells me repeatedly that his goal is to make me happy. And I am. But there is the communication problem..and it concerns me.

    If he has something that is important to him that he wants to talk about, then he can. He can tell me his concerns and thoughts...but only when he feels the need, which isn't often.

    Most of the time he's pretty quiet and I often feel like I'm talking to myself. I also tend to miss verbal bantering...I try and then I get from him "Why is it that everytime I say something to you, you manage to turn it around somehow and send it back to me?" Ummm...I don't know, because that's fun? Because I'm hoping for you to do that back? Yeah...not happening.

    Sadly, my two closest male friends are ENTJ and ENFJ. I can talk to either of them for hours at a time...but my boyfriend? Not really. I think we had a half-hour phone conversation once or twice. In person, the conversation is sporadic as well.

    However, I have no doubt that he loves me. He is a good, kind, decent person. There is an enormous amount of physical attraction. He takes care of me (which I tend to need sometimes!). I am truly happier when I'm around him than when I'm not....but.....

    I can't say that I'm bored, but I am concerned for the future. He's even said he's afraid he will bore me and I'll leave. I just wish there was a way we could learn to communicate better. I suspect there is a lot going on inside his mind, but I have no idea how to understand him or get him to understand me.

  6. #36
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    Thanks Seeker22. This is one of the most insightful posts I've read here. It's very helpful to me. I'm 100% N, and sometimes this is a problem for me with my SJ GF.
    I have to give my former ISFJ credit - she was kind of like "my rock" as far as handling the business of every day living and "the real world." She had her practical every day routines, cooked, cleaned, did the laundry. She took "good care of me" in that sense. But I wanted/needed more than "a caretaker." I want/need intellectual stimulation, emotional intimacy and closeness, a mindmate, a playmate... She didn't fit that bill. =(

    For me, there was always "something missing." Being an "N" (and a HIGH "N" at that) we just couldn't seem to bridge that N/S gap. She wanted to talk about factual, concrete, practical things. I wanted to theorize, postulate, wonder, explore, imagine, envision... She just couldn't go there. She didn't "get it." She didn't have that natural curiosity, drive, or desire to go a bit deeper than surface stuff. This resulted in me quite frequently (daily) becoming bored, resentful, annoyed, and starved for "connection." She did not understand what was "missing" for me. She was content.

  7. #37
    Senior Member seeker22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
    Most of the time he's pretty quiet and I often feel like I'm talking to myself. I also tend to miss verbal bantering...
    OMG I'm having flashbacks... I have SO walked this road!! God I used to literally PINE for banter... My friends and I all do it so naturally... Not with my SJ though - she was a "dud" in that sense. Verbal repartee is paramount to me and so engaging. I often felt like I was talking to a brick wall with my SJ who was "there," but "not there." If good conversation is like a tennis match, where you each "hit one back" to the other, my tennis balls were just kind of rolling to the back wall with my SJ. Nothing ever came "back."

    Quote Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
    Sadly, my two closest male friends are ENTJ and ENFJ. I can talk to either of them for hours at a time...but my boyfriend? Not really. I think we had a half-hour phone conversation once or twice. In person, the conversation is sporadic as well.
    Same here. It always freaked me out that I could talk and engage and banter more easily with others than my significant other! I would always obsessively wonder - "what does this MEAN??! What are the implications of this??!" And then I would get a feeling of dread and try and dismiss my own concerns...

    Quote Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
    However, I have no doubt that he loves me. He is a good, kind, decent person. There is an enormous amount of physical attraction. He takes care of me (which I tend to need sometimes!).
    Yup. I knew that as well - that she loved me. I thought to myself - I have a hot, decent, good person who cooks, cleans, does my laundry, etc. - yet I don't feel content. What is wrong with ME??! I started to think I was insatiable or something... Then I realized - I didn't feel CONNECTED or ENGAGED. I felt like we were PARALLEL to one another not INTERTWINED.

    Quote Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
    He's even said he's afraid he will bore me and I'll leave. I just wish there was a way we could learn to communicate better. I suspect there is a lot going on inside his mind, but I have no idea how to understand him or get him to understand me.
    Yup. She always said she felt like she bored me or that she was too boring for me... And we tried EVERYTHING as far as learning to communicate better - including books, therapy, etc. It NEVER changed. =( Don't want to discourage you. I just don't think you can change one another's natural temperaments and relational styles. I tried soooooo hard to change my own to adjust to hers. It was like self suicide. =( I feel for you!

  8. #38
    IRL is not real Cimarron's Avatar
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    I get that "verbal repartee" can be very exciting, but it's hard to see why it would be the most important thing in a relationship. (But I guess it's an issue of not "settling for 2nd best," when you could move on to "best")

  9. #39
    Senior Member Ruthie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
    This scares me.

    My boyfriend is ISFJ. He is the kindest, most thoughtful person. He tells me repeatedly that his goal is to make me happy. And I am. But there is the communication problem..and it concerns me.

    If he has something that is important to him that he wants to talk about, then he can. He can tell me his concerns and thoughts...but only when he feels the need, which isn't often.

    Most of the time he's pretty quiet and I often feel like I'm talking to myself. I also tend to miss verbal bantering...I try and then I get from him "Why is it that everytime I say something to you, you manage to turn it around somehow and send it back to me?" Ummm...I don't know, because that's fun? Because I'm hoping for you to do that back? Yeah...not happening.

    Sadly, my two closest male friends are ENTJ and ENFJ. I can talk to either of them for hours at a time...but my boyfriend? Not really. I think we had a half-hour phone conversation once or twice. In person, the conversation is sporadic as well.

    However, I have no doubt that he loves me. He is a good, kind, decent person. There is an enormous amount of physical attraction. He takes care of me (which I tend to need sometimes!). I am truly happier when I'm around him than when I'm not....but.....

    I can't say that I'm bored, but I am concerned for the future. He's even said he's afraid he will bore me and I'll leave. I just wish there was a way we could learn to communicate better. I suspect there is a lot going on inside his mind, but I have no idea how to understand him or get him to understand me.
    Maybe you're right to have serious doubts about your future, and I can understand a lot of them (I love to banter myself). Still, it sounds like you're in a healthier relationship than 90% of the people I know, and you say yourself that you're happier with him than without him. That'd be a really tough thing to give up.

  10. #40
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unique View Post
    Uhhum

    Forgetting about us SPs I think

    It's alright, we're probably too cool for you anyway, carry on :P

    ps. but seriously kind of wondering, why would you be turned off SPs for having a bad experience with an SJ?

    We're in a completely different temperament for a reason if you didn't know
    ...this thread is not about SPs! Stop making this about you

    FWIW, my experience with ISxPs has been slightly better, but with its own set of issues. Never dated an ESxP. And not particularly interested in my mate being "cool."

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