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  1. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cranky View Post
    Rezdawg...I am an INTJ female involved with an INFP male in a wonderful relationship. Previous to this, I was miserable over ANOTHER INFP man who treated me with rather a lot of disdain after emotionally seducing me.

    Unfortunately, your situation rings a lot of bells with me, and not in the goodhappyfluffy way that my current INFP beau creates. You sound like you're nuts over this girl, and I know *EXACTLY* what that feels like. I was crazy over the other man...and made an ass out of myself doing it. The only real consolation I had is that I ended the situation when it got overly emotionally manipulative and empty.

    See...there's crazy for other people, and there's crazy for an INTJ. We go psychotically emo for the first time (or the worst time), and have absolutely no idea how to deal with the situation. So, we remain motionless and paralyzed, just as you described below. Then, there's a monster explosion of feelings and ooey-gooey huggles that FREAKS the other person out--because we simply cannot contain our feelings anymore. I must say that you sound like I did when I was in the bad situation before.

    See, there is something out of the ordinary about the connection between the INTJ and the INFP. It's spiritual, physical, emotional...you connect not just WELL, but on multiple LEVELS. It makes INFP men like VERY BAD CANDY for me. So, when the unhealthy previous INFP turned me into a puddle of misery, I kept wondering what was wrong with ME. Lo and behold, the problem was that he was unhealthy, not that he did not possess many extremely desirable traits. NOW, I'm with a HEALTHY male of the INFP variety, and the difference is like a volcano after an avalanche.

    I need to strongly encourage you to consider the fact that this woman may be completely unintentionally using you for the fact that she can sense your warm feelings for her. It makes her feel good to be around you, so she wants to be around you. Sometimes those freaky Feely people don't THINK THINGS THROUGH, DAMMIT.

    I'm going to refer you to the original thread here in which I discussed the aftermath of getting my heart broken by the unhealthy INFP, so you can see what it looks like.

    http://www.typologycentral.com/forum...g-addicts.html



    I know precisely what you mean. It is time to BACK AWAY SLOWLY before someone gets hurt in the goo explosion and ensuing rain of chocolates, flowers, and teddy bears.



    I didn't/don't either. You are hyperanalyzing...just as I did. Obsessively poring over every move she makes, every text message, every missed comma in an email, every emoticon in an IM, every tone in her voice. Cut it out NOW before you start making bad decisions based on faulty premises.



    Respectfully, bighairything...NO NO NO NO NO. It does NOT make INTJs feel better to express our emotions. It is absolutely true that he will explode, but this isn't about catharsis for us. It doesn't purge us of the feelings...it only makes them stronger. He will NOT feel better or healthier by expressing those emotions to an unhealthy INFP female who likely has no clue what effect she's having on him.

    Rez...this woman is in a relationship, and you must realize she is not emotionally available to you, regardless of how much you HOPE she COULD be. BACK AWAY SLOWLY. You will thank me for this. It is hard to see her imperfections now, but only AFTER you are capable of seeing them can you be involved in a healthy relationship with her. And it goes without saying that she needs to decide on her own that her current relationship needs to end.

    I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to PM me if you want more detailed comparisons of healthy vs. unhealthy INFP romantic behavior as observed by an INTJ.
    Cranky, I love you to death, but I think you're making some unwarranted assumptions here based on your past experience. The INFP in question is "involved," but how involved? Dating someone casually for three weeks? Married for 20 years with 5 kids? No info here, though I'd guess more towards option one. And there is no evidence that this INFP is unhealthy or is behaving in an unhealthy or manipulative way...Could be. But no reason to believe so.

  2. #52
    No Cigar Litvyak's Avatar
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    I strongly disagree with the notion of "slowly backing away" just to protect your feelings or comfort without ever trying anything, and I really think you'll regret it if you don't use anything and everything in your inventory to get this girl. What happens if you don't succeed? The worst scenario is that you'll feel like shit for a while and you'll lose a possible friend. The best scenario is that you two come together, one way or another.

    In your current situation, you do not have the insight and the objective thinking to decide which one is more likely. We're not in a position to tell you this either, since we also lack the insight and the information.
    Now it's your turn to decide: if there is a 85% risk of negative results, would you still risk it for that 15%? And if it's 95%? You can spare yourself from damage, but there's that 5% that it could've worked out if you've tried it.

    On second thought, I agree that you should stop thinking on these small signs, they're misleading more often than not. As for the above though, you really have to think this through. The choice is yours, ultimately.

  3. #53
    Senior Member Cranky's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fecal McAngry View Post
    Cranky, I love you to death, but I think you're making some unwarranted assumptions here based on your past experience. The INFP in question is "involved," but how involved? Dating someone casually for three weeks? Married for 20 years with 5 kids? No info here, though I'd guess more towards option one. And there is no evidence that this INFP is unhealthy or is behaving in an unhealthy or manipulative way...Could be. But no reason to believe so.
    I will only argue with you on one point: it is the definition of 'unhealthy' for a woman who has a partner to be seeking emotional gratification from the OP, especially when she seems to be exhibiting the signs (guilty behavior, secrecy) that tell me that she's intentionally acting...perhaps not IMMORALLY, but certainly with a degree of laissez-faire concerning accepted social boundaries for relationships. In addition, she may not understand the depth of Rez's feelings, but I'd argue that most people have the tools to know when someone is or is not attracted to them.
    Personally, *I* think I'm hysterically funny.

  4. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cranky View Post
    it is the definition of 'unhealthy' for a woman who has a partner to be seeking emotional gratification from the OP, especially when she seems to be exhibiting the signs (guilty behavior, secrecy) that tell me that she's intentionally acting...perhaps not IMMORALLY, but certainly with a degree of laissez-faire concerning accepted social boundaries for relationships. In addition, she may not understand the depth of Rez's feelings, but I'd argue that most people have the tools to know when someone is or is not attracted to them.
    Rezdawg1--is this an accurate characterization of her behavior?

    Gotta love that INTJ Cranky feistiness--Pauline Kael & Camille Paglia ain't got nothin' on her...

  5. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rezdawg1 View Post
    So, are INFPs as intuitive as they say? I am sure it is very clear to her how I feel. This is very suddenly uncomfortable.
    Being intuitive doesn't instantly make somebody a mind reader. The two of you might have very different ideas of what signifies romantic interest. Plus, I don't know how it is for other people, but it's a lot easier for me to be aware of and accurately pinpoint other people's thoughts and feelings when they aren't directed at me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rezdawg1 View Post
    These are the questions I am inquiring about:

    1. Am I seeing something that is not there or missing the obvious?

    2. Is she displaying "typical" INFP behavior?
    We're not actual observers, and we don't have much context. I think it's almost impossible, based on the information you've given, to tell you what's going on in her head.
    I-71%, N-80%, F-74%, P-96%

  6. #56
    Senior Member Sizzling Berry's Avatar
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    I think that the fact that she has a boyfriend is important though it does not necessarily destroy your chances. In my opinion it's meaningful that when she went to a trip with him she stopped e-mailing you - it shows her priorities or loyalties. However the nervousness that she showed when people interrupted your conversation means that she saw that exchange as something intimate - maybe the reason was because she wanted to share a dark painful secret with you, but maybe she enjoyed it on an electrical chemical level . You probably stand a chance but you need to act subtly. She probably feels something for you but she is still loyal to her boyfriend and may not be ready to admit feelings for you. So you would need to delicately but suggestively prove to her that you two are a better match. I'm not sure though what you are really asking about - if she's attracted to you or what to do with the situation. Because if you feel like doing nothing about it the discussion if she likes you is purely academic.
    Hot-hearted head

  7. #57
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    Well, I don't seem to have the tools to know when someone is attracted to me....maybe if they hit me with a club I [I]might[I]get it. Which [I]is why[I] I am here!

    Her behavior at that one time did seem guilty. I need to clear up one point; she hugged me after her mother and sister left the room, actually an office reception area, we were not locked in an embrace when they walked in. She was sitting in a chair and I was standing there talking to her and when I went to show her something, I knelt down in front of her. We were very engaged in our conversation when they walked in. I saw the look on her face, they came in behind me, it was a "busted" type look, wide eyes and dropped jaw. We both stood up and the "feel" in the room was a bit weird to say the least. After a quick second of akwardness, they left to an adjacent room as her and I seemed to fumble about. That was when she gave me the hug with the fleeting head on shoulder move. I was taking note of her body language and gestures during our conversation: Left hand hair toss over right shoulder. Left hand then ran down right side of neck from ear/jawline area toward middle of neck to trachea. Briefly touched neckless with fingers. Feet not pointed directly at me, as I was too close to allow for that. Did not move away at this piont, moved closer. Leaned toward me as she looked at what I was showing her. Pulled hair off neck with both hands, ponytail style move. Held it there briefly while cocking head to one side. They leaned elbow on desk and propt head on hand, wraist pointing toward me. This is the point her mom and sister walked in.

    Another time we were talking, trying to, but there were too mant conversations going on in a small place, so she pointed to go outside. I was closer to the door so I got outside before she did. I sat on the bench, leaving plenty of room for two more people, easily. She sat down right next to me, not touching but still close. She pretty much either sat on her hands or held them together and on her out stretched legs. She was leaning forward and turning toward me to look at me, slightly twisting toward me. Hard to discribe her position.

  8. #58
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    BF info:

    They met in Central America 2 years ago. They see each other there for 4-5 months. He lives in Norway, she lives in America. He has been here once for a couple of weeks and she has been there once for a couple of weeks. He has at least one kid. She does not talk about him, so thats all I know.

  9. #59
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    They were in an area were computers made better paperweight then anything else..

  10. #60
    Senior Member Sizzling Berry's Avatar
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    Eeeeeh - with attraction... how to explain it ? It's a process with many undercurrents, subtleties, tones and variations. U cannot extract it clinically from a person - that's my opinion. Say in those situations she felt an attraction to you - would that answer satisfy you? And what with other situations in her life where there are so many other things apart from that attraction that matter. What I want to say is that those snap shots from your encounters are not deal breakers though they show something - attraction is not a constant you can extract on the basis of evidence or rather it may not make that much sense to do it. It's a process that you create, inspire, encourage and nurture (or throttle, neglect, avoid and in the end kill). The question is are you up to the game? Hey you may lose but ahh you may win .
    Hot-hearted head

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