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  1. #21
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    [QUOTE=Litvyak

    Keep it up! You're not the only one mesmerized by an NFP, they're so awesome [/QUOTE]

    This woman has got me doing mental backflips! She is....I don't have a word for what she is....I can't stop thinking about her. I wish I had the balls to tell her how I feel. This is one of the things I hate about being INTJ, frozen in place...

  2. #22
    No Cigar Litvyak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rezdawg1 View Post
    This woman has got me doing mental backflips! She is....I don't have a word for what she is....I can't stop thinking about her. I wish I had the balls to tell her how I feel. This is one of the things I hate about being INTJ, frozen in place...
    You couldn't possibly know how familiar that sounds.

    If it cheers you up, I still can't stop thinking about her despite my confession months ago.
    Oh, and despite the fact that I've been in a relationship in the time being. Guess we don't forget.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by nebbykoo View Post
    "She tells me she misses our "long, awesome" conversations"


    Hmm. This seems pretty clear to me.

    As an INFP who adores "long, awesome" platonic conversations with INTJ's, male or female, I wouldn't say the above comment is a clear sign that she's romantically interested. It really could go either way. Personally, I always "miss" conversations with N's when they're few and far between, because I enjoy them so much and they're a lot more rare than the normal S conversations I get in my daily life.

    I'd be more inclined to think the physical stuff like hugs and the head on the shoulder shows she's possibly romantically interested, because I've never seen an INFP show physical affection in a trite way.
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  4. #24
    failure to thrive AphroditeGoneAwry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by visaisahero View Post
    I'm a little amazed by the number of NFs saying "just ask her". I've always thought that the straightforward approach was favoured by the NTs and that NFs would prefer to be subtly romanced. (Bear in mind that when you instruct an NT to "just ask her", he will probably do it differently from an NF).

    NFs: Are you really sure "just ask her" is the best advice? How would you actually react if someone you friend-zoned asked you to consider a romantic relationship? Would you really be able to maintain the platonic relationship as you did before? I have witnessed how my female INFJ and ENFP friends have grown distant from friends who "just asked them". I'm not saying that the OP is being friend-zoned of course, in fact I think he has a really good chance with her (unless he has been painting a rose-tinted picture of the scenario, which can sometimes happen to even the best of minds).

    I suggest though, that rather than putting her in a position where her options are yes/no/maybe/i don't know (which is 25% chance of success and a 75% chance of a trip down awkward boulevard), he should be subtle and allow her space to play out the romantic possibilities more strongly in her head to increase his odds of success.

    All the NF women (my favourite kind!) that I have been intimate with in a romantic, emotional level for a sustained period of time were my friends beforehand, and I'm pretty sure a couple of them thought of me as "just a really good friend". What worked for me was to spend time with them that is "ambiguous"- we would go out as friends and hang out and maybe do silly things, and we would end up in deep conversation somewhere we could be alone- the beach, a deserted playground, whatever. Lingering conversation, a little bit of physical contact (the subtle, accidentally-on-purpose kind when you're lying next to each other looking at the stars) and sustained, comfortable silence- and before you know it you're making out! Yay!

    Sorry, I got carried away. I love romancing INFx's.
    I'm with you, but, alas, I am no infp. I always shudder when people advise, "Just ask how she feels!" "Just tell her how you feel!" Where's the subtlety and fun in that? It just takes the malingering sweetness of all those mental wonderings and shoots the hell out of them; jolts them into a whole other realm which is not only not a natural flow, but ensures the relationship will definitely change in some way, just with the words having been spoken. I prefer a more organic, flowy interplay with a person, especially one I am attracted to. And feelings for NFs can be so vascillating anyway, that each day or each interaction can bring something new into play, so that even if she says, "No, I think of you as a friend," it doesn't mean she will necessarily think of you as a friend tomorrow. But I'm also sure that whatever you decide to do will be the right thing to do, and it will fall out how it's supposed to.
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  5. #25
    Senior Member WoodsWoman's Avatar
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    Has she expressed dissatisfaction with her current relationship? I know people I can have amazing conversations with, who I feel safe enough and comfortable enough with to express myself more physically with (like you description of the hugs).

    This doesn't necessarily mean more - but could. If I was in a relationship that I was happy with it would depend on the amount of commitment invested in that relationship (actually married versus not, etc.). ----It comes down to if you are willing to risk take friendship is that is what is offered? If you are and will, go ahead. I faced such a situation and friendship was more important to both of us, and we each respect that deeply and so it stands.

    Good luck.

  6. #26
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Frankly, I'd be hesitant.

    This woman is seeing someone? Isn't that a big ass red flag?

    ETA: I'd kindly ask her what the deal is between her and her partner and why she seems to be emotionally involving herself with someone else.

    If she wants a relationship with you, I'd require she'd exit the one she's already in.

    ETA again: I don't understand the replies to this thread, unless people have skipped over the part where he said she's in a relationship. YOU ALL would be pissed as fuck if your partner were getting emotionally involved with someone else.
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  7. #27
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    I would require that she exit the current one. I am at this point trying to get an idea about what is going on. Am I seeing things, picking up on signals that are not there? Please remember I am an INTJ and have little to no social skills, especially when it comes to flirtation.

  8. #28
    No Cigar Litvyak's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by proteanmix View Post
    Frankly, I'd be hesitant.
    This woman is seeing someone? Isn't that a big ass red flag?
    Perhaps I'm too liberal, but... no. That's definitely not a big ass red flag. Sure, it makes things harder, but it's no guarantee for anything. Wouldn't be the first time in history that a woman leaves her partner for someone else she has feelings for.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wiley45 View Post
    As an INFP who adores "long, awesome" platonic conversations with INTJ's, male or female, I wouldn't say the above comment is a clear sign that she's romantically interested. It really could go either way. Personally, I always "miss" conversations with N's when they're few and far between, because I enjoy them so much and they're a lot more rare than the normal S conversations I get in my daily life.

    I'd be more inclined to think the physical stuff like hugs and the head on the shoulder shows she's possibly romantically interested, because I've never seen an INFP show physical affection in a trite way.
    +1000. To say the least, it sounds like you guys have a good connection. However, I would tread lightly until she's single.

  10. #30
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rezdawg1 View Post
    I would require that she exit the current one. I am at this point trying to get an idea about what is going on. Am I seeing things, picking up on signals that are not there? Please remember I am an INTJ and have little to no social skills, especially when it comes to flirtation.
    Then I would say do not involve your heart and don't get your hopes up.

    It really just seems like I'd take a hard look at this woman's willingness to deeply emotionally involve herself with someone else and appear to lead them on. She could be shopping around for another relationship before she gets out of the one she's in. She may be one of those kind of women who always likes to have a guy on hand.

    But maybe I'm just not particularly optimistic about this, but this seems like a very familiar situation. When people are admonishing to "just ask her" yeah I'd ask her alright. I'd ask for an explanation of why she's seeking emotional intimacy outside of her romantic relationship and what about it is so unsatisfactory to her and yet she's not out of it.

    Sorry to bust your bubble.

    Quote Originally Posted by Litvyak View Post
    Perhaps I'm too liberal, but... no. That's definitely not a big ass red flag. Sure, it makes things harder, but it's no guarantee for anything. Wouldn't be the first time in history that a woman leaves her partner for someone else she has feelings for.
    That's not a problem if she leaves him.

    But she's not leaving, she deciding which outfit she likes the best and leading someone on in the process.
    Last edited by proteanmix; 01-14-2010 at 11:04 PM. Reason: merged posts
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
    Interpersonal Communication Theories and Concepts
    Social Penetration Theory 1
    Social Penetration Theory 2
    Social Penetration Theory 3

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