[ENFP] is this common for enfps?

[INTP]

is it common for enfps to lie that its ok or sure you can do that etc. to avoid conflicts or just to please others when its really bothering you alot or not so much, but still bothering in some degree.

if so. how do you react when someone tells you that i can see its not ok for you, but you want to avoid conflic situation that your afraid it might cause? and how far are you willing to go claiming that it is really fine with you, even if its not? do you do this to everybody or just for people with certain status for you?

if not. how do you react if people say that i can see its not fine with you, but really it is?

im not talking about eny specific situations, but generally about this kind of behaviour of letting people walk over you more or less.

 

[Amargith]

That's a fuzzy grey zone.

I can disagree with something, something can bother me, but my values will override me in this. As long as one of my other core values isn't violated, I can be annoyed at your or not agreeing with you on something and still be ok with it. You have every right to your opinion or your way of going about things. My main core value is that everyone has that freedom. Including me. So, although it might be annoying me, I won't lie when I say that it's fine. On the other hand, if you make it a point to harp on everything I do that you find annoying (even ridiculous details), I will be truly annoyed at you for not extending me the same curtesy. I might make mention of it. I'm willing to drop this behavior if you're willing to drop the one that bugged me. We agree? Great, I'll change that behavior while around you. You don't wanna change yours? Great, but don't nag about mine. You don't see why you should but are adamant about me changing mine? Hypocrite. And that you will get served on your plate. Cant' stand hypocrisy

So you see..it's not lying. And it's not a big deal. As long as you word it properly though, I appreciate you checking with me if it bothered me. It's even curteous of you to do so. As long as yo udon't accuse me of lying
Say something like: I can't shake the feeling that this make syou uncomfortable. You would tell me though right, if something was bothered you so?

Chances are, I'll spill the beans. Or, I might tell you it's fine. That just means it's not worth the hassle or there wasn't anything there. And you're free to move on and forget about it

 

[INTP]

That's a fuzzy grey zone.

I can disagree with something, something can bother me, but my values will override me in this. As long as one of my other core values isn't violated, I can be annoyed at your or not agreeing with you on something and still be ok with it. You have every right to your opinion or your way of going about things. My main core value is that everyone has that freedom. Including me. So, although it might be annoying me, I won't lie when I say that it's fine. On the other hand, if you make it a point to harp on everything I do that you find annoying (even ridiculous details), I will be truly annoyed at you for not extending me the same curtesy. I might make mention of it. I'm willing to drop this behavior if you're willing to drop the one that bugged me. We agree? Great, I'll change that behavior while around you. You don't wanna change yours? Great, but don't nag about mine. You don't see why you should but are adamant about me changing mine? Hypocrite. And that you will get served on your plate. Cant' stand hypocrisy

So you see..it's not lying. And it's not a big deal. As long as you word it properly though, I appreciate you checking with me if it bothered me. It's even curteous of you to do so. As long as yo udon't accuse me of lying
Say something like: I can't shake the feeling that this make syou uncomfortable. You would tell me though right, if something was bothered you so?

Chances are, I'll spill the beans. Or, I might tell you it's fine. That just means it's not worth the hassle or there wasn't anything there. And you're free to move on and forget about it

 

[Amargith]

Sigh

Which part was not clear?

 

[INTP]

Sigh

Which part was not clear?

i just dont get how most the things you said are relevant to what i asked. then you ansvered to some really different questions i would like ansver to, but i didnt ask. made me wonder if i know you, but then i looked at your profile..

 

[Kalach]

You're supposed to tell them, and refuse to take part.

Auxiliary Fi allows too much in the name of possible good feeling; tertiary Fi disallows too much in the name of possible bad feeling. They say, no, go ahead, it's fine. You say, whut?--are you high or something? You don't like *that*.

Then the ENFP has the opportunity to clarify in the moment out loud with you what he or she thinks is valuable. Therein follows the benevolence of a benignly predisposed ENFP. They like you more because you let them be them.

Do ENFJs do that too or is one supposed to accept them bending themselves out of shape?

 

[BlueScreen]

im not talking about eny specific situations, but generally about this kind of behaviour of letting people walk over you more or less.

It's an illusion. ENFPs don't like controlling so we hand control back. It doesn't mean we aren't in a strong position. If you watch carefully, we normally get our way still and don't end up doing much that we don't want to. And when the shit hits the fan we normally step it up and survive better than most.

That is to say, they're not walking over us in our domain. We're just adapting for whatever reason and are not bound to it in any way.

 

[kyuuei]

Its a lack of intestinal fortitude, 99% of the time. People in general avoid conflict, and so they'll dismiss something as not being a big deal, even if eventually they realize it's wearing on their minds.

I may say this to a stranger, whom I will assume has no interest in how I really feel.. I don't disrespect my friends this way though.

 

[harmonyizmine]

Then the ENFP has the opportunity to clarify in the moment out loud with you what he or she thinks is valuable. Therein follows the benevolence of a benignly predisposed ENFP. They like you more because you let them be them.

Do ENFJs do that too or is one supposed to accept them bending themselves out of shape?

Agreed.

My ENFP husband will tell me all the time he thinks something is fine just because he doesn't want to control me or boss me around. He will also tell me it's fine because he doesn't want what he thinks would be conflict. He would rather tell me everything I want to hear than to have conflict.

For example, if I wanted to go somewhere he could say he is ok with it multiple times and I think he doesn't mind. Then I go, but come home to a bitter ENFP which leads to conflict.

I learned to do what Kalach laid out above. I ask my husband how he feels about the said event and why he feels that way. This makes him feel validated. It also gives opportunity for me to explain why I feel it's important to go or talk to him about any misperceptions.

It's mainly about communication.

 

[harmonyizmine]

That's a fuzzy grey zone.

I can disagree with something, something can bother me, but my values will override me in this. As long as one of my other core values isn't violated, I can be annoyed at your or not agreeing with you on something and still be ok with it. You have every right to your opinion or your way of going about things. My main core value is that everyone has that freedom. Including me. So, although it might be annoying me, I won't lie when I say that it's fine. On the other hand, if you make it a point to harp on everything I do that you find annoying (even ridiculous details), I will be truly annoyed at you for not extending me the same curtesy. I might make mention of it. I'm willing to drop this behavior if you're willing to drop the one that bugged me. We agree? Great, I'll change that behavior while around you. You don't wanna change yours? Great, but don't nag about mine. You don't see why you should but are adamant about me changing mine? Hypocrite. And that you will get served on your plate. Cant' stand hypocrisy

So you see..it's not lying. And it's not a big deal. As long as you word it properly though, I appreciate you checking with me if it bothered me. It's even curteous of you to do so. As long as yo udon't accuse me of lying
Say something like: I can't shake the feeling that this make syou uncomfortable. You would tell me though right, if something was bothered you so?

Chances are, I'll spill the beans. Or, I might tell you it's fine. That just means it's not worth the hassle or there wasn't anything there. And you're free to move on and forget about it

Thank you for this insight!!!

 

[Qre:us]

yes

 

[Charmed Justice]

If something's not OK with me, I have no issue expressing that fact until it seems like the other person is clear on what my reasons are. Some things aren't worth arguing over though, and I'll occasionally say "it's fine" when I mean "do as you wish because you're going to anyway". If I've already stated over and over that something is "not fine" and yet the person asking me the question continues to try and get me to accept what they're doing as fine, then I'll say "it's fine" as a way of eliminating the potential for an argument and also to get them out of my face.

 

[bighairything]

It's an illusion. ENFPs don't like controlling so we hand control back. It doesn't mean we aren't in a strong position. If you watch carefully, we normally get our way still and don't end up doing much that we don't want to. And when the shit hits the fan we normally step it up and survive better than most.

That is to say, they're not walking over us in our domain. We're just adapting for whatever reason and are not bound to it in any way.

Yep, this!

 

[bighairything]

It is true though what's been said that it can go down very well with ENFPs when you re-ask the question, just to check. I understand how it can be frustrating to others, but just as we're willing to forfeit our opinions on a lot of things, we do find it validating to have those opinions coaxed out of us.

Also, whole layers of meaning are attached to the tone and manner in which we might say a simple "yes" or "no". Again, no doubt very frustrating to others, but you've got to be careful how you press the point. When I ask my xNFP girlfriend if something's wrong, I'll know instantly if she's lying when she says "no". I'll then ask her if there's really not something wrong, and more often than not she won't say anything at all the second time. If you ask somebody twice whether something is wrong, and they haven't disclosed anything, you really shouldn't say anything more at that point. At that point physical communication becomes important - touch and, particularly if you're in bed, breathing - but you have to judge the level so you're on the one hand providing them comfort and security, but on the other leaving them space. Once she's had time to think about it, she'll always then herself discuss with me what the problem was, but this is fairly straightforward for us because we speak the same NFP language. I can't help thinking it must be a total minefield for someone who doesn't.

 

[sculpting]

Auxiliary Fi allows too much in the name of possible good feeling; tertiary Fi disallows too much in the name of possible bad feeling. They say, no, go ahead, it's fine. You say, whut?--are you high or something? You don't like *that*.

Then the ENFP has the opportunity to clarify in the moment out loud with you what he or she thinks is valuable. Therein follows the benevolence of a benignly predisposed ENFP. They like you more because you let them be them.

beautiful explanation. It's that recognition that we are flexing to give something up for you, and you, in those few seconds, recognizing that it may make us unhappy, thus sacrificing what you wanted. It's an Fi love circle. God we are fucktards.

I only do this in personal relationships though, not work issues as I have grown older. I do not let my innate desire to make others happy conflict with the goal of pushing the whole company towards a more productive state.

Flexing itself? The act of letting someone else "win" even if it makes me unhappy and not speaking up? It really depends upon the nature of the personal relationship.