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  1. #1
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Default is this common for enfps?

    is it common for enfps to lie that its ok or sure you can do that etc. to avoid conflicts or just to please others when its really bothering you alot or not so much, but still bothering in some degree.

    if so. how do you react when someone tells you that i can see its not ok for you, but you want to avoid conflic situation that your afraid it might cause? and how far are you willing to go claiming that it is really fine with you, even if its not? do you do this to everybody or just for people with certain status for you?

    if not. how do you react if people say that i can see its not fine with you, but really it is?

    im not talking about eny specific situations, but generally about this kind of behaviour of letting people walk over you more or less.
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  2. #2
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    That's a fuzzy grey zone.

    I can disagree with something, something can bother me, but my values will override me in this. As long as one of my other core values isn't violated, I can be annoyed at your or not agreeing with you on something and still be ok with it. You have every right to your opinion or your way of going about things. My main core value is that everyone has that freedom. Including me. So, although it might be annoying me, I won't lie when I say that it's fine. On the other hand, if you make it a point to harp on everything I do that you find annoying (even ridiculous details), I will be truly annoyed at you for not extending me the same curtesy. I might make mention of it. I'm willing to drop this behavior if you're willing to drop the one that bugged me. We agree? Great, I'll change that behavior while around you. You don't wanna change yours? Great, but don't nag about mine. You don't see why you should but are adamant about me changing mine? Hypocrite. And that you will get served on your plate. Cant' stand hypocrisy

    So you see..it's not lying. And it's not a big deal. As long as you word it properly though, I appreciate you checking with me if it bothered me. It's even curteous of you to do so. As long as yo udon't accuse me of lying
    Say something like: I can't shake the feeling that this make syou uncomfortable. You would tell me though right, if something was bothered you so?

    Chances are, I'll spill the beans. Or, I might tell you it's fine. That just means it's not worth the hassle or there wasn't anything there. And you're free to move on and forget about it
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  3. #3
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    That's a fuzzy grey zone.

    I can disagree with something, something can bother me, but my values will override me in this. As long as one of my other core values isn't violated, I can be annoyed at your or not agreeing with you on something and still be ok with it. You have every right to your opinion or your way of going about things. My main core value is that everyone has that freedom. Including me. So, although it might be annoying me, I won't lie when I say that it's fine. On the other hand, if you make it a point to harp on everything I do that you find annoying (even ridiculous details), I will be truly annoyed at you for not extending me the same curtesy. I might make mention of it. I'm willing to drop this behavior if you're willing to drop the one that bugged me. We agree? Great, I'll change that behavior while around you. You don't wanna change yours? Great, but don't nag about mine. You don't see why you should but are adamant about me changing mine? Hypocrite. And that you will get served on your plate. Cant' stand hypocrisy

    So you see..it's not lying. And it's not a big deal. As long as you word it properly though, I appreciate you checking with me if it bothered me. It's even curteous of you to do so. As long as yo udon't accuse me of lying
    Say something like: I can't shake the feeling that this make syou uncomfortable. You would tell me though right, if something was bothered you so?

    Chances are, I'll spill the beans. Or, I might tell you it's fine. That just means it's not worth the hassle or there wasn't anything there. And you're free to move on and forget about it
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  4. #4
    The High Priestess Amargith's Avatar
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    Sigh

    Which part was not clear?
    ★ڿڰۣ✿ℒoѵℯ✿ڿڰۣ★





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  5. #5
    Senior Member INTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    Sigh

    Which part was not clear?
    i just dont get how most the things you said are relevant to what i asked. then you ansvered to some really different questions i would like ansver to, but i didnt ask. made me wonder if i know you, but then i looked at your profile..
    "Where wisdom reigns, there is no conflict between thinking and feeling."
    — C.G. Jung

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  6. #6
    Filthy Apes! Kalach's Avatar
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    You're supposed to tell them, and refuse to take part.

    Auxiliary Fi allows too much in the name of possible good feeling; tertiary Fi disallows too much in the name of possible bad feeling. They say, no, go ahead, it's fine. You say, whut?--are you high or something? You don't like *that*.

    Then the ENFP has the opportunity to clarify in the moment out loud with you what he or she thinks is valuable. Therein follows the benevolence of a benignly predisposed ENFP. They like you more because you let them be them.

    Do ENFJs do that too or is one supposed to accept them bending themselves out of shape?
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  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by INTP View Post
    im not talking about eny specific situations, but generally about this kind of behaviour of letting people walk over you more or less.
    It's an illusion. ENFPs don't like controlling so we hand control back. It doesn't mean we aren't in a strong position. If you watch carefully, we normally get our way still and don't end up doing much that we don't want to. And when the shit hits the fan we normally step it up and survive better than most.

    That is to say, they're not walking over us in our domain. We're just adapting for whatever reason and are not bound to it in any way.
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  8. #8
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Its a lack of intestinal fortitude, 99% of the time. People in general avoid conflict, and so they'll dismiss something as not being a big deal, even if eventually they realize it's wearing on their minds.

    I may say this to a stranger, whom I will assume has no interest in how I really feel.. I don't disrespect my friends this way though.
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  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Kalach View Post
    Then the ENFP has the opportunity to clarify in the moment out loud with you what he or she thinks is valuable. Therein follows the benevolence of a benignly predisposed ENFP. They like you more because you let them be them.

    Do ENFJs do that too or is one supposed to accept them bending themselves out of shape?
    Agreed.

    My ENFP husband will tell me all the time he thinks something is fine just because he doesn't want to control me or boss me around. He will also tell me it's fine because he doesn't want what he thinks would be conflict. He would rather tell me everything I want to hear than to have conflict.

    For example, if I wanted to go somewhere he could say he is ok with it multiple times and I think he doesn't mind. Then I go, but come home to a bitter ENFP which leads to conflict.

    I learned to do what Kalach laid out above. I ask my husband how he feels about the said event and why he feels that way. This makes him feel validated. It also gives opportunity for me to explain why I feel it's important to go or talk to him about any misperceptions.

    It's mainly about communication.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Amargith View Post
    That's a fuzzy grey zone.

    I can disagree with something, something can bother me, but my values will override me in this. As long as one of my other core values isn't violated, I can be annoyed at your or not agreeing with you on something and still be ok with it. You have every right to your opinion or your way of going about things. My main core value is that everyone has that freedom. Including me. So, although it might be annoying me, I won't lie when I say that it's fine. On the other hand, if you make it a point to harp on everything I do that you find annoying (even ridiculous details), I will be truly annoyed at you for not extending me the same curtesy. I might make mention of it. I'm willing to drop this behavior if you're willing to drop the one that bugged me. We agree? Great, I'll change that behavior while around you. You don't wanna change yours? Great, but don't nag about mine. You don't see why you should but are adamant about me changing mine? Hypocrite. And that you will get served on your plate. Cant' stand hypocrisy

    So you see..it's not lying. And it's not a big deal. As long as you word it properly though, I appreciate you checking with me if it bothered me. It's even curteous of you to do so. As long as yo udon't accuse me of lying
    Say something like: I can't shake the feeling that this make syou uncomfortable. You would tell me though right, if something was bothered you so?

    Chances are, I'll spill the beans. Or, I might tell you it's fine. That just means it's not worth the hassle or there wasn't anything there. And you're free to move on and forget about it
    Thank you for this insight!!!

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