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  1. #1
    Junior Member mangosandpies's Avatar
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    Default ENFJ girl and ISFP boy relationship

    of course, i'm in the ENFJ in this relationship. the ISFP has been my best friend, and i've been in love with him since day 1. we were inseperable last year, but i never managed to get extremely close to his heart because of the nervousness that came with liking him.

    i told him i liked him, and he "thought" about it, and then told me he didn't want to deal with the emotions that come with a relationship - not neccesarily that he didn't like me. the problem with this is, afterwards i expanded a bit more on my feelings and he stayed completely mute and didn't know what to say. following that, he's gone out of his way to ignore me. now, i realize i need to get closer with him, but hes doing essentially everything he can to ignore me and not show that he actually cares about me.

    i'm in love with the kid, and i need advice - i don't know how to deal with this.

    i want to win his heart and i want my best friend back!

  2. #2
    Instigator, First Class LovelyAngel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mangosandpies View Post
    of course, i'm in the ENFJ in this relationship. the ISFP has been my best friend, and i've been in love with him since day 1.

    i told him i liked him, and he "thought" about it, and then told me he didn't want to deal with the emotions that come with a relationship - not neccesarily that he didn't like me. the problem with this is, afterwards i expanded a bit more on my feelings and he stayed completely mute and didn't know what to say. following that, he's gone out of his way to ignore me.

    i'm in love with the kid, and i need advice - i don't know how to deal with this.

    i want to win his heart and i want my best friend back!
    This scenario resonates with me as I am in the early stages of a relationship with an ISFP. And Ill confess that Ive gone in with a fairly skeptical attitude. Im used to bonding with NFs and NTs. I have tense or detached yet cordial interactions with SJs, but I have no SPs in my circle of friends. Their love of play is too alien for this INxJ. Ant, meet Grasshopper. Grasshopper, meet Ant.

    Fortunately, of all the SPs, the ISFP seems the closest fit to my nature. My ISFP is quiet and responsible (although very impish!) and kind. I dont think I could deal with an extroverted SP.

    My concern in our relationship is that he doesnt like to talk. I love to talk about ideas and what ifs and analyses. (Of course I do... Im an N.) He doesnt want to talk about that nor talk of feelings nor talk of anything in real depth. I struggle with the question of if I can have a deep relationship with someone who is not my mindmate nor soulmate. And yet, Im willing to give this a shot. As an INFJ I can put myself into his shoes and try to sense what he is looking for.

    He is a doer, not a talker. His big thing in our relationship is that he likes to do things with me and he has fun with me. So it may be that for your ISFP you do things with him... and over time the bond gets established... and grows deeper... and the feelings (or admission of feelings) and commitment from him come later. (As youve known him for a long time - as best friends - it might be that youve already done tons of things together - and the bond is as deep as its going to get. I dont know; I dont have enough information.)

    I am not going to pressure or push my ISFP into discussions or commitments. He needs to have space and freedom. I may come to discuss it if it becomes part of the reasons for breaking things off, however. I think if I started discussing feelings in depth with him, it would overwhelm him and/or scare him off. As a matter of fact, Im guessing Im not going to hear the L word from him for a long, long time if at all and hes the one who started the deepening of our relationship.

    I dont know if this helps you at all. Maybe some parallels are relevant; maybe your situation is entirely different. So take from my ramblings what you will.

    Oh, and welcome to the forums, mangosandpies!
    "There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect."
    -- Nikki Giovanni

  3. #3
    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    There was an ISFP that I had developed feelings for and I wanted to try and start a relationship with her. She pretty much told me the same thing that your ISFP told you and I had a hard time accepting that.

    It is hard wanting something so much and not being able to have it. My advise is to try and be his best friend first. Don't talk about anything that has to do with a relationship. Just go out and have fun together.

    If he isn't ready to develop a relationship yet, then it would be a better idea to let your feelings for him go. I know this is easier said than done because I went through the same thing. He needs time to live his life and I believe ISFPs don't plan these things like others do. From what I understand a relationship just happens with them.

    Anyways, I hope the advise given to you helps you and good luck.

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LovelyAngel View Post
    I am not going to pressure or push my ISFP into discussions or commitments. He needs to have space and freedom. I may come to discuss it if it becomes part of the reasons for breaking things off, however. I think if I started discussing feelings in depth with him, it would overwhelm him and/or scare him off. As a matter of fact, Im guessing Im not going to hear the L word from him for a long, long time if at all and hes the one who started the deepening of our relationship.
    I agree with this. The important thing is: don't chase! Your ISFP doesn't seem to be ready for a relationship yet, so the more you chase, the more he is going to run. The fact that he is ignoring you right now doesn't seem to be a good sign. From your post, it seems you have always had feelings for him. It's a good thing that you had the courage to tell him -- but you must also be prepared for a rejection. He might only see you as a friend. He might be uncertain about his own feelings. Maybe he just does not want a relationship right now.

    In my opinion, the best thing for you to do now is to let him know that you respect his decision. If he doesn't want to be more than friends, you will respect that. You also need to ask yourself if you will be happy being only friends with him. If not, then it's time to move on. From my experience, it is just torture trying to continue to be 'friends' when the other party doesn't reciprocate the feeling.

    On the other hand, if he does have feelings for you, he will eventually come back. So right now there is nothing you can do, really. It might be hard, but do not chase. Don't try to push for a relationship. Give him space. Be independent, and don't let all your happiness rest with him. If he wants to be friends, just try to be a good friend -- which means have fun together, be there when he needs you, but never cross that friend line.

    SPs need a lot of independence. They live in the here and now, and they don't obsessively seek that kind of deep connection NFs look for. So even if you try so hard to get 'closer' and 'deeper', the level of connection you need might not be there. SPs just express their love differently.

  5. #5
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mangosandpies View Post
    of course, i'm in the ENFJ in this relationship. the ISFP has been my best friend, and i've been in love with him since day 1. we were inseperable last year, but i never managed to get extremely close to his heart because of the nervousness that came with liking him.

    i told him i liked him, and he "thought" about it, and then told me he didn't want to deal with the emotions that come with a relationship - not neccesarily that he didn't like me. the problem with this is, afterwards i expanded a bit more on my feelings and he stayed completely mute and didn't know what to say. following that, he's gone out of his way to ignore me. now, i realize i need to get closer with him, but hes doing essentially everything he can to ignore me and not show that he actually cares about me.

    i'm in love with the kid, and i need advice - i don't know how to deal with this.

    i want to win his heart and i want my best friend back!
    He probably cares about you, but may freak out over anything that signals clinginess. So don't chase. If people chase me too much or come on to me too much I basically just don't really want to try with them. It annoys me, and I continually get more annoyed. I like being chased if I chase back; if I'm into it. But if I'm not really doing anything... yeah.

    He may be distancing himself from you to see how you react.

    I really honestly don't know what to tell you, since your question is really vague. It seems like there is something missing that would help me help you further...
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  6. #6
    Junior Member mangosandpies's Avatar
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    honestly, i dont even want a relationship with him, i just want him to be able to talk to me without awkwardness again. i am fairly certain he does in fact like me - he stated that he wouldn't hesitate to bring it up in the future, he just didnt want to deal. since then, he's had a few shallow "crushes." im fine with that, im just curious as to how to get him to open up again.

    all the threads i've read on here about isfp's tell me that they like attention- do any isfp's have any advice as to how to get close to them and the difference between clingyness and attention for you guys? i know i've won his heart, he's just blocking out the feelings hoping they'll go away and pushing me away at the same time and im curious as to how to get through to him.

  7. #7
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mangosandpies View Post
    honestly, i dont even want a relationship with him, i just want him to be able to talk to me without awkwardness again. i am fairly certain he does in fact like me - he stated that he wouldn't hesitate to bring it up in the future, he just didnt want to deal. since then, he's had a few shallow "crushes." im fine with that, im just curious as to how to get him to open up again.

    all the threads i've read on here about isfp's tell me that they like attention- do any isfp's have any advice as to how to get close to them and the difference between clingyness and attention for you guys? i know i've won his heart, he's just blocking out the feelings hoping they'll go away and pushing me away at the same time and im curious as to how to get through to him.
    We can't read minds. If you told him the bolded, then things would get better I'm sure.

    And I'm unsure of how to answer your question. I think that the attention thing may be more of an enneagram issue.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

    sCueI (primary Inquisition)

  8. #8
    Senior Member Yloh's Avatar
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    ISFPs liking attention, it depends on what you define attention.

    The ISFP I know doesn't go out of her way to talk to people, but she really values those who talk to her and invite her to do things with them. She treasures those people in her heart.

    Being the center of attention, however, is a totally different ball game. She HATES having any unnecessary attention what so ever.

    In your case, having someone express those kind of feelings when the other person isn't ready is like being the center of attention. I think it makes him feel kind of trapped and he wants his freedom.

    As said earlier, if he wants to start something he will start chasing. NFs and SPs, from what I understand, have a different kind of chasing. NFs don't see the value in SPs way of doing things, while SPs feel overwhelmed by NFs way of doing things.

  9. #9
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yloh View Post
    ISFPs liking attention, it depends on what you define attention.

    The ISFP I know doesn't go out of her way to talk to people, but she really values those who talk to her and invite her to do things with them. She treasures those people in her heart.

    Being the center of attention, however, is a totally different ball game. She HATES having any unnecessary attention what so ever.

    In your case, having someone express those kind of feelings when the other person isn't ready is like being the center of attention. I think it makes him feel kind of trapped and he wants his freedom.

    As said earlier, if he wants to start something he will start chasing. NFs and SPs, from what I understand, have a different kind of chasing. NFs don't see the value in SPs way of doing things, while SPs feel overwhelmed by NFs way of doing things.
    +1 I get this feeling of "okay whatever" IME when it comes to how NFs do certain things when it comes to getting close to people I've noticed.
    () 9w8-3w4-7w6 tritype.

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  10. #10
    Senior Member nynesneg's Avatar
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    Yup... ISFP bf for a year and a half now. Your scenario seems a bit diff behavior though, I can't answer that one. I can explain how he'd react or think about certain actions though.

    LovelyAngel summed up my experience pretty well:
    Quote Originally Posted by LovelyAngel View Post
    Their love of play is too alien for this INxJ.

    I love to talk about ideas and what ifs and analyses.
    He doesnt want to talk about ...anything in real depth. I struggle with the question of if I can have a deep relationship with someone who is not my mindmate nor soulmate.

    He's a doer, not a talker...
    Yep 100%. I even tried to have a conversation about theories and processes with him in his own field and it didn't work. He LOVES airplanesfor 10 years, but when I tried to discuss how fascinating it is that air can hold the plane up, he got frustrated and ended the conversation after a couple sentences.

    He would get bored until he's blue in the face if I tried to have a conversation about economics, business, science, or politics.

    He needs to have space and freedom. I may come to discuss it if it becomes part of the reasons for breaking things off, however. I think if I started discussing feelings in depth with him, it would overwhelm him and/or scare him off.
    Yes... if I actually fell in deep love with current bf, I don't think he could recipricate the NF depth any further than his already cute I love yous.



    Haven't had any problems with feelings though. In fact we are both so F that we have an extremely harmonious relationship and basically never argued until recently. Both of us avoid talking about problems because we enjoy maintaining a state of harmony. Can be a good and bad thing. The difference is, if he finds out about a problem he wants to fix it right away, I tend to put them on a back burner and ignore them for the better good until a better time.

    Contrary to both of you, I initiated the relationship. He said he liked me right off the bat, but I turned him down. He was so eneamored that we remained friends for 6 months then I couldn't resist his sweetness. I was the one initially reluctant to get attached or show any feelings/doting because I've been burned before.
    3w2


    Those who are content being normal lack the depth and passion to rise above mediocracy.
    To push beyond their natural abilities and create a reality from their dreams.

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