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Thread: Are NFs Clingy?

  1. #11

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    I think I could be when I was younger and trying to figure things out, but it was more about wasted opportunities and being stuck in the wait than undying love. These days the idea of a relationship isn't that attractive unless it is right. If it is right, there is no need to be clingy because there is trust, understanding and it is mutual.
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  2. #12
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Not in my experience, no.
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  3. #13
    lab rat extraordinaire CrystalViolet's Avatar
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    I blow hot and cold, I think. In my younger days, maybe, a little clingy. I think that was about exploring expectations, but as I've gotten older, decided detachment, seems to work for me.
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  4. #14
    Plumage and Moult proteanmix's Avatar
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    I don't think people will own up to any possible negative traits unless it's something like loving too much, being too empathetic, you know stuff like that.

    Of course, holding on to a relationship longer than what's wise could be considered clingy (and I've read many NFs say they do this...part of the idealism) but I don't know if people realize they are clingy maybe they view it as being devoted or really in love.

    Or implicate SFs as the clingy ones and totally deflect works too!
    Relationships have normal ebbs and flows. They do not automatically get better and better when the participants learn more and more about each other. Instead, the participants have to work through the tensions of the relationship (the dialectic) while they learn and group themselves and a parties in a relationships. At times the relationships is very open and sharing. Other time, one or both parties to the relationship need their space, or have other concerns, and the relationship is less open. The theory posits that these cycles occur throughout the life of the relationship as the persons try to balance their needs for privacy and open relationship.
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  5. #15
    Senior Member Parrish's Avatar
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    Hmm I don`t think so. Then again, it`s possible that I just didn`t like anyone enough to be clingy. I dated an EXFX for a short while and he was really clingy and touchy-feely. It was a big turn off so maybe that`s why I don`t wanna be like that.
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  6. #16
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't think I am. The only exception I would make is if something seems to be going wrong in the relationship and the person is distancing themselves emotionally. I have a compulsive need to make sure that things at home base are established and alright before giving my attention to the other things that I normally would.

    The one time when I have responded by being oversolicitous, I think it did signify someone who was unwilling/unable to talk through things or give me any reassurance that things between us were okay even if there were other stressors bothering him. I've realized that that is very important to me in a relationship and I don't function well without it. In the future I think I would recognize much more quickly what was happening and arrange for us to go our separate ways rather than living in that state of uncertainy and self-doubt for an extended length of time.

    Clinginess is not so much a function of type, as it is a function of insecurity and needing the other person's strength to lean on. Unfortunately, it usually results in getting together with someone who also has strong insecurities but which are manifested in a stronger way. This leads to huge imbalances in power between partners and makes it difficult to develop a healthy relationship. Insecurity is often destructive and selfish, even when the person does not intend to be because the person ultimately believes that if they don't look out for their own needs, no one else will. At best, their headspace is taken up with their worries, fears and discomforts so much that they don't have enough room left to focus on others, or else they go to the other extreme and don't stand up appropriately for themselves up front (which means needing to use more behind the scenes ways of getting power).

    On the other hand, when a strongly insecure person gets together with a fairly confident person, the imbalance also creates problems. The confident person takes on the majority of the responsibility and work, while retaining the least amount of decision making ability. They tend to be very protective of their insecure partner, so that the partner learns not to interface directly with people or be accountable for their behaviour. The confident person also becomes very isolated because any other interests and people in their life pose a threat to their partner. This alienates potential sources of support, wise counsel, and care that would normally be in place. In addition, to live with the insecure person, the more confident person has to grow to see insecure behaviour as normal if they are to see their spouse as an equal. This often makes for a very skewed perspective over time. It creates children without a good village of attachment and support. They often are not confident and respond by rejecting the people around them who are, because they don't believe they have the same possibilities open to them.

    Of course we all have our insecurities. However, if building a relationship could be compared to building a house, the more insecurities and the more profound they are, the bigger of holes in the roof of the house they represent. Little holes are easily patched and dealt with. Big ones affect the integrity of the structure and require massive recontruction and expense. If left undealt with, the rain and weather comes in and renders the house worthless before long. Most people would not voluntarily move into a home that has serious issues. However, people "move into" relationships all the time, where one or both partners have big insecurities which the spouse can never "fix" for their partner.

    Clinginess often comes from the belief that the other person will be the answer to all of one's problems. Invariably it brings disappointment and anger when this is not the case. And yet, because the person is choosing out of a place of need, they are unwilling to break up with anyone until they have someone else to replace them with. The common signs of it: needing constant physical contact, being in touch an unreasonably large amount of the day, depending on the partner for things that are more appropriate for the person to handle alone, jealousy and possessiveness are just symptoms of the deeper problem.

  7. #17
    Senior Member Clonester's Avatar
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    The tendency is probably there. It just depends on the maturity level and probably confidence too.
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  8. #18
    Revelation Lauren Ashley's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I think that I have clingy tendencies within me, but to counteract them I try so hard to not look clingy that I think I can sometimes appear cold/uninterested. This could particularly be the case with guys I'm romantically interested in.
    Same. Those that I've been involved with in the past sometimes say that I come off as disinterested. I think I'm trying so hard not to be clingy and bothersome, because I know I can be, that the opposite occurs and it appears that I've forgotten all about them. I'm always aware of subtle clues from my SO that he needs breathing space, so when I get that hint, I pull up immediately and maybe too much. Ideally I'd like to be in contact with my SO at least every other day, barring extentuating circumstances.

  9. #19
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lauren Ashley View Post
    Same. Those that I've been involved with in the past sometimes say that I come off as disinterested. I think I'm trying so hard not to be clingy and bothersome, because I know I can be, that the opposite occurs and it appears that I've forgotten all about them. I'm always aware of subtle clues from my SO that he needs breathing space, so when I get that hint, I pull up immediately and maybe too much. Ideally I'd like to be in contact with my SO at least every other day, barring extentuating circumstances.
    I think, actually, that for myself I'm more likely to do the "clingy within myself/trying too hard to not look clingy" thing with someone I'm interested in, but not actually involved with, and I'm not sure if they're reciprocating (or the logical part of me is pretty sure they're not reciprocating, but emotionally I'm too entangled already). Then, I try so hard not to push, that some girl who's pushier with them is probably more likely to have success.

    In an actual relationship, I found that being with someone who was quite insecure and also doing a push/pull sort of thing (ie. one day "I love you sooooooo much" and the next day "I just don't think this is working out because my ex-gf made me sooooooooo much happier" ) made me clingier.
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  10. #20
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by noigmn View Post
    I think I could be when I was younger and trying to figure things out, but it was more about wasted opportunities and being stuck in the wait than undying love. These days the idea of a relationship isn't that attractive unless it is right. If it is right, there is no need to be clingy because there is trust, understanding and it is mutual.
    I like to think this is the road I would take now.

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