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Thread: Always Angry

  1. #11
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    I can relate to this. Especially a lot of what Rachelinpa and Happy Puppy said. (I am also planning to post in that thread about grudges which is floating around somewhere...) If someone really manages to hurt me, I can end up feeling a lot of anger against them and it can be very prolonged (and damaging to me). People generally have also managed to let me down and disappoint quite a bit of late and this turns into frustration, which can turn into a kind of ongoing anger, particularly if I don't get to talk about it with trusted friends.

    I also find that I get angry more easily than I used to about things like bad customer service and landlords being mean (both of which I've experienced plenty of lately!). I kicked a bus the other day when the driver wouldn't open his doors though he hadn't even started pulling away But that type of anger tends to be shortlived in me. It does worry me a bit, though. I have lived in a big stressful city for several years now and that might be a contributing factor.

    The funny thing is, a lot of people have such a hard time with the idea of me being angry, because I project a very calm exterior most of the time, that they find it very funny. Then they are surprised when I express anger or frustration even in a very contained, moderate way - and if they are one of the few who is the target of a blowup from me, or hears about it, they are truly shocked, as a rule.

    I'm realising that things like grudges and anger may not be something you can entirely eradicate from your life if you are somewhat prone, but you can try to minimize them by practicing better mental habits (ie not dwelling on things more than necessary, talking things out with good friends, etc) and taking care of physical health. I have realised that this is a big challenge for me but working on it is worthwhile because it improves the quality of your life in so many ways. I'm also a Christian so feeling a lot of anger goes against my principles - in that way it's also important for me to work against it. I think it can be particularly difficult for NFs though because we feel things very strongly and we can get stuck in those dreaded mental loops of going over hurtful scenarios over and over again.
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  2. #12
    Lallygag Moderator Geoff's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Is this Fi running rampant? I realize that I am often angry or bothered about something. I especially can recall past events and chew them up and down in my mind and I cannot let go. This happens every day. There are incidents that are years old that I still cannot let go of.

    I came to a pretty 'calm rational' conclusion at the beginning of this year that this is not good and this is not how I want to live.

    Most other people do not necessarily see this side of me or realize how rampant it is. They think I'm a very calm, outgoing person. I have a tendency towards theatricality and humor so that helps - externally I often manifest and turn episodes that piss me off into funny anecdotes.

    Is this normal for other ENFPs or INFPs or NFs????

    How do you deal with it? Or how have you gotten over it?

    The short answer for myself is that I need to empower myself and remind myself of the ways that I am empowered. And to act in the moment in ways that I honor myself so that later I am not angry. Anger and anxiety feed off one another.
    INFP = not so angry
    ENFP = more often fleeting anger.

    (in my experience)

  3. #13
    the Dark Prophet of Kualu
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    Quote Originally Posted by BerberElla View Post
    I hope that it's not a source of security for me , because yes, honestly I'd rather exclude that feeling. It's highly negative thinking, I don't even think I could put into words the way my mind tumbles downwards when I experience those emotions, again and again and again and again.

    If it isn't there anymore? I feel hopeful when you ask that question, the chance to explore a new feeling because the old one is gone, that's an optimistic view to me.

    I don't know what would happen, but something would happen, something unknown and exciting in it's possibilities, rather than the ever so stagnant waters of emotions that I find myself repeatedly experiencing now.
    Good to see you're not in those shoes at least. :P

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  4. #14
    Senior Member Tiltyred's Avatar
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    It happens to me all the time. Especially if I let myself get too tired/run down. But I have discovered that all I need to do is put music in my ears. It's so simple it's embarrassing, but it works every time.

    Otherwise, I can't snap out of it for hours. And it's such a waste of energy.

  5. #15
    Junior Member occasionally shane's Avatar
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    INFPs can be angry...very, very angry.

    if it's possible for one ISTJ i know to be the kindest, sweetest, most rational human i know and another ISTJ to be the most sadistic, angriest, irrational human on this planet, then why can't NFs of be angry and hateful and loving and kind?!

    we are only human.

    life, people, experiences are what shapes who i am. for years i allowed the anger to brew below the surface while appearing calm and loving. and when that rage is released........

    music, hiking, getting out of a rut all sort of help
    "this is the best of all possible worlds," the optimist said.

    "i'm afraid you're right," said the pessimist.

  6. #16
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    Yes, I think it may be harder for INFPs because of the tendency to bottle things in and blame one self or put others before you. ENFPs can also be like this but being extroverted has it's perks. :P

    I was thinking about my anger issues the other day and I think for me the combination of Ne/Fi/Si really bites me in the butt when it comes to anger. I can relive moments in my life quite vividly and remember them emotionally and bring it all back, I think particularly angry or stressful or unfortunate moments. Not good.

    I have been nipping it in the bud more in the recent past and even past week by being more immediate in the moment. I re/act exactly the way I want to re/act without swallowing it down.

    I'm not sure where I picked up the unfortunate habit of second guessing myself, but it's been one of the biggest dis services I've been doing to myself.

    I've also become more selfish, I only do things for people when I feel like it, and I don't care as much what others think. I think the need or desire or feeling of social pressure to be considered "a good person" or "nice" or do something because others expect it is often such bs. I want to be authentic for me and not pander to the hypocrisy or cluelessness of others. I'm not even blaming other people, I'm blaming myself for succumbing.

    So I've experienced in the recent past more instances where regardless of the outcome, I wasn't even angry in the first place because I did or said what I wanted to say.

    That's the key! Anger at past events in my adult life has been about frustration and disappointment in myself for not doing what I wanted to do. Once I fix that, I think the issue I have with anger will greatly dissipate.

    So yeah, the antidote is to empower myself and change the "locus of control" to use a pop psychology term. Things don't just happen to me. I determine how I experience life.

    I have recently in 2010 (ha) gotten to the point where I just really, really, really cannot go on like this anymore. This is an ongoing issue for me and one that I have hit the wall on a couple times already in my life so crossing my fingers that I'm actually for real real jumping over the wall now.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

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  7. #17
    Feelin' FiNe speculative's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    I have recently in 2010 (ha) gotten to the point where I just really, really, really cannot go on like this anymore. This is an ongoing issue for me and one that I have hit the wall on a couple times already in my life so crossing my fingers that I'm actually for real real jumping over the wall now.
    I think sometimes we have to hit this kind of wall before we can change. Perhaps control is the main issue, as you discussed. Being emotional might be one way we make ourselves think we have more control over a situation than we do. Since we can only control our emotions in some situations, being angry might give us a feeling of power/control when we have none.
    "How can I be, all I want to be,
    When all I want to do is strip away these stilled constraints
    And crush this charade, shred this sad, masquerade"
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  8. #18
    RETIRED CzeCze's Avatar
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    That's an interesting take on things speculative - I think there is a link between expressing emotion and feeling empowered or empowering oneself but hadn't seen it like that before ^^ Because if anything I get angry because I feel the opposite - that I have no power or control in a situation. I get angry at a sense of hopelessness or frustration. I think I adopted a reaction in many situations of *not* "getting angry", at least allowing myself to feel or express anger in the moment - because it was pointless. I already felt either powerless or it was a "waste of time".

    Expressing anger, especially dramatically for effect, can work though in some situations to give you leverage. Or to intimidate or incite a reaction. I'm not the kind of person who does that though. It's more that when I get pissed off, I get pissed off.
    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.” ― Oscar Wilde

    "I'm outtie 5000" ― Romulux

    Johari/Nohari

  9. #19
    Senior Member bighairything's Avatar
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    There's a lot in both the OP and in the subsequent comments that I can relate to here. But I've put off commenting for a few days as for me these are a lot of different issues that are being conflated here into a single monolithic thing called anger. It's a little more complicated than that. To try and simplify things, I'll break it down into four different themes.

    1) Fleeting day to day annoyances - Here we're talking about things like poor customer services and those arsehole bus drivers that won't open the doors for you. These things happen all the time, will always happen, and is something that all types have to deal with. This is perhaps an issue for our type because the stereotypical NFP is perceived as a little bit of a pushover, and yes, it can fester inside you when you repeatedly get the worse of such situations. Over time I've become extremely assertive in my day to day dealings with world, although that doesn't necessarily mean turning into the Incredible Hulk every time someone spills my pint. You just deal with things as they arise, and more often than not I feel the best approach is to be calm and polite, yet implacable. Occasionally it does mean meeting aggression with aggression. If you deal with these things confidently as they arise, even when something goes against you it won't fester because you know you can't win them all.

    2) "Theatrical" anger - Perhaps the part of me that other people least understand. Sometimes I just don't care about the big things, but small things really piss me off because there is an important principle at stake. The times when this can really grate is when I bite my tongue and keep quiet for the sake of the larger point, which might mean less to me but is more practical. For example, I recently got Apple to repair something on my laptop. They tried to charge me for it but I calmly insisted that I shouldn't have to pay, and I didn't. But a passing comment by the sales assistant really riled me and I wanted to lose my temper. But I bit my tongue and didn't say anything because I was getting my way and didn't want to rock the boat, which was the larger thing at stake. What annoyed me was Apple pretending that they were being magnanimous and great in doing this thing for me for free, whereas in fact I was merely asserting my consumer rights, and they would have gladly fleeced me if I had let them.

    Okay, so that example wasn't a great example of "theatrical" anger, but the point I wandered off from was that sometimes when I'm getting angry about little things people don't take me seriously. Precisely because those things are so little, they think I'm being theatrical. One of the ENFP profiles mentions us as constantly going off against some form of bureaucracy and I related to it a lot because I used to work for a very bureaucratic company. On one occasion I lost my swipe card needed to get into the building, and to get a new one I had to pay a small amount. I kicked up a big fuss about this, and for a long time refused. My INTJ friend and co-worker kept looking at me as if I was insane because the actual cost of the new card was very small, but the principle that I had to pay in order to be able go to work - to make money for the company I was paying - was abhorrent beyond belief for me.

    Conversely, sometimes I can be very deliberately theatrical when it comes to arguing about the "big political issues". Particularly as I am of Greek provenance, and calm debate among Greeks can come across as very impassioned to others. More phlegmatic north European types can interpret this as I sign that I'm getting really wound up and angry, when in fact it's all just done for effect.

    3) Anger at things said and done in relationships (not necessarily romantic) - This is where I can be really avoidant and where problems can arise. Here I'm just not good at dealing with things as they happen. I need to mull things over, but by the time I have reached my conclusions it feels like raking over old muck to bring those things up, and I have no appetite for doing that. So things fester. And I can become quite passive aggressive, which is one of my least appealing traits.

    4) The indescribable rage deep in your soul - I didn't even know this existed until a mushroom trip about five years ago. Then I just let go of it and everything made sense. It's just not there any more - it helped that soon after the mushroom trip I want on a couple of Buddhist meditation retreats where I consolidated a lot of what I had just learnt.

    The one thing I would say here: be careful what you wish for. This anger really drove me on, and in some ways I miss it. It gave me direction, and much of the past five years have involved trying to find a new wind for my sails. I'm a happier person now, but I wouldn't say life has become easier.

  10. #20
    Artisan Conquerer Halla74's Avatar
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    Y'all Idyllics are just mean spirited.

    My wife is an INFJ, and she is often "miffed" by things, mostly to the effect of when they are a pain in the ass, or seen as insincere. She would rather someone say "Fuck you I hate you!" to her face than for them to say "Hiiiii! Nice to see you!" and be a fake bitch about it. I can't blame her there.

    My high school GF was an ENFJ. She was pissed about alot of stuff, but things to her were more "hurtful." But her response to the hurt was "pissed" in addition to "hurt."

    Despite these issues of perception, all the idyllics I know are very nice people IRL. My niece is an INFP, and she and I crack each other up, yet I can tell she is emotionally sensitive, similarly to my wife.
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