User Tag List

Page 1 of 170 1231151101 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 1696

Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #1
    Professional Trickster Array Esoteric Wench's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Posts
    948

    Thumbs up When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

    I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.

    For example, one of my INFJ friends unfriended me and blocked me on facebook when I sent her a note asking if she was OK because she had posted a profile picture of a bleeding wrist. (Then out of the blue, eight months later, she sends me a friend request.)

    I don't get it. Maybe I'm too extraverted, too perceiving, or too Te (I'm only barely F so my extraverted thinking is pretty darn strong), but this seems like an unproductive, and in the extreme, self-sabotaging behavior. It's also hurt my feelings more than once. The INFJ seems to just need to shut me out while they sort through things on their own.

    I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this dynamic with INFJs and if they'd share their perspectives. Also, for those INFJs out there, I'd appreciate you helping me understand what might be going on. I read people very well. I understand where INFJs are coming from intuitively without even trying... except for the doorslamming. I just don't get it. It completely baffles me.

    Also, I'd appreciate suggestions on the best way to be a good friend to the doorslamming INFJ, while also taking care of my own needs to not feel abandoned by my INFJ friends.

  2. #2
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 so/sx
    Posts
    9,423

    Default

    I think some young INFJs tend to doorslam as a way of avoiding actually dealing with conflict or dealing with something painful (in this case the bleeding wrist thing and what it might mean). This is terribly unproductive. The friends request several months later probably is a result of her continuing to mull over her behaviour and decide that you actually cared and had her best interests at heart.

    I think all you can do is make sure that someone like that knows that you care very much for them and that you will be there without judgement. I think one of the biggest fears of some INFJs is that people will judge them based on insufficient information and they cannot deal with being unfairly rejected. You may have noticed that INFJs often have different levels of disclosure depending on who they are dealing with (and therefore they may appear very differently to people). If they feel they've let someone in too far and the person has either displayed signs of untrustworthiness (or in this case the INFJ is scared that they know too much and it is uncomfortable), they may move them back a couple of notches. I think this is what she did in a much more tangible level, until she could bear to talk about it more with you. If you are able to see right into her emotions and thoughts before she is ready to talk about them, it's possible that she only will want you around in fits and starts. That's not particularly conducive to a friendship, but I think over time as you prove your trustworthiness, that will happen less. Just be there, don't get too upset and make sure she knows you care for her. Then go on with life till she's ready to come back and talk.

    That's my 2 cents anyway!

  3. #3
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    MBTI
    ISFP
    Enneagram
    4 so/sp
    Posts
    6,742

    Default

    I can't relate to cutting people out of my life and then bringing them back into it at a later date, but that's just me.

    When I cut someone out of my life, it's permanent, the reason being that the relationship isn't mutually beneficial/positive any longer, so it isn't fair to the other person when I'm just not wanting to focus my energies on the relationship anymore (because I don't see it lasting or going anywhere in the long run, it's unhealthy, or other reasons). It's not like this is a common thing for me, though. If it happens, I've put a lot of thought into it, and reflect on everything, before doing something like this.

    And...fidelia's post explains some general things about INFJ's/walls/boundaries!
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

    My Photography and Watercolor Fine Art Prints!!! Cascade Colors Fine Art Prints
    https://docs.google.com/uc?export=do...Gd5N3NZZE52QjQ

  4. #4
    Senior Member Array HollyGolightly's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    1w2 sp/so
    Socionics
    IEI
    Posts
    302

    Default

    I do this and it's probably the thing I hate most about myself.
    I can't really speak for other INFJs, but the reason I do this is because I feel ashamed of the fact that I'm not able to sort out my problems as quickly as I should. Out of my group of friends. I'm the supportive one..the one who helps everyone out and I feel I need to remain strong...or at least look that way..in order to be doing my job properly. But it gets to a point where I have supressed so much that it needs to come out, but I don't wanna bother anyone else so I go off on my own and shut everyone out whilst I sort through my mess. It's not to hurt people, in fact it's the opposite. I'm trying to sort things out so I can come back strong ang play my "role" in the group. When so many people rely on you, it's a lot of pressure. I don't mean to hurt people or worry them, I actually have good intentions. But I just mess up =)

    Have you asked your INFJ friends why they do this?
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

  5. #5
    Cat Wench Array ReadingRainbows's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    6w7 sx/sp
    Socionics
    IEI Ni
    Posts
    1,899

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.

    For example, one of my INFJ friends unfriended me and blocked me on facebook when I sent her a note asking if she was OK because she had posted a profile picture of a bleeding wrist. (Then out of the blue, eight months later, she sends me a friend request.)

    I don't get it. Maybe I'm too extraverted, too perceiving, or too Te (I'm only barely F so my extraverted thinking is pretty darn strong), but this seems like an unproductive, and in the extreme, self-sabotaging behavior. It's also hurt my feelings more than once. The INFJ seems to just need to shut me out while they sort through things on their own.

    I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this dynamic with INFJs and if they'd share their perspectives. Also, for those INFJs out there, I'd appreciate you helping me understand what might be going on. I read people very well. I understand where INFJs are coming from intuitively without even trying... except for the doorslamming. I just don't get it. It completely baffles me.

    Also, I'd appreciate suggestions on the best way to be a good friend to the doorslamming INFJ, while also taking care of my own needs to not feel abandoned by my INFJ friends.
    This is classic INFJ immaturity. I used to do this stuff when I was younger (and still do it to a milder extent now) Remember anyone who does something to you, it says something about them - it is not a reflect of you, it is of them. We can only see the world from such a limited standpoint anyways. Doorslamming is really shitty thing to do. I think we do it more out of shame guilt and just being done with situations than anything else. She's probably upset that you where bringing things that where difficult for her to accept at that time up (classic reason I doorslamed and why my ENFP relations in the past are where BAD) Or you flaked out on her plans and she took it personal (young infj take everything personal, only getting better by just a little as an adult)
    Anyways - How she treated you was disrespectful and rude no matter how you look at it. But its not about you in her mind - its all about her. INFJ are such inner narcissists. We hate having our dreams stepped on or whatever. May I again say that her reaction was totally inappropriate though. I would totally not be tolerating that behavior at this time in my life. (from another person) I don't believe that you should feel your in the wrong at all. I know I was self sabotaging and out of my mind when I was younger. That behavior is not okay.
    /end of rant

    I hope that makes sense. Its early and my wits are not as sharp.
    Quote Originally Posted by EffEmDoubleyou View Post
    St. Stephen took rocks and St. Sebastian took arrows. You only have to take some jerks on an internet forum. Nut up.

  6. #6
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    6,509

    Default

    I can relate. My Ne Ti also tell me it's immaturity and misconception/misunderstanding of context, behavior, intentions. Too much projecting mainly.

    What Rainbows said about steping on the dreams/beliefs. It takes only so much for oneself to grow and realise if own Point of View was biased in any way - again projections.

    This is true for everyone, to a bigger or lesser extent. And it may take a lifetime to notice or repair, specially if it were misunderstandings that triggered it. It will depend on personal and interpersonal circunstances to be able to fix anything. If it does happen from their side, like re-initiating contact, then it's a muddy ground and expect to be on probation - yes it's retarted, uncalled for and sucks. If you care, let it go like nothing happened, until things are - if ever - at a point where you can address it or they address it, to bring in some closure, if still needed.

    I've had the misconception triggering a doorslam and I believe I helped by not knowing what I know today and adding behavior that further acted like cement on a shaky misconception construct, making it solid and giving it purpose. I've also had a another comeback and was later able to probe and pin-point the causes and get some closure. Two different people, both INFJ.

    In the former case I often conceived a surgical approach to set things straight but never did anything as I realised how easily it would be to be perceived biasedly and the amount of energy it was already consuming from me. It still lingers in my mind. The later case it was the other person that ceased to be MIA and decided to return.

    Take notice though, that 99% of people are not aware - of themselves or their surrondings - and you can have the later case happening, which would seem to indicate there was some closure on their mind to overcome the past, but it can be false and driven by the wrong reasons. Simply more mind constructs instead of clear realisation of reality - how biased and sabotating their thoughts were.

    If anything, all of this will, more often then not, aply to "them" and to "us" in different dosages. Be aware.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Array wedekit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    694

    Default

    We all have different ways of dealing with stress. There are 3 main types of strategies:

    1. Moving TO other people: Clinging onto others, becoming dependent on them for emotional support, etc.

    2. Moving AWAY from other people: Avoiding other people.

    3. Moving AGAINST other people: Aggressiveness, fighting, breaking rules.


    INFJs would all most likely have tendency to use #2.

    ... RA training ftw!
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Enneagram 4w5 social

  8. #8
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,831

    Default

    Usually if I doorslam it's because I feel like the relationship is way off balance and I don't feel it's likely to become a balanced relationship or I just don't want to invest the energy that conflict to attempt to make it balanced would require of me.

    I don't always realize things are off balance until something happens that makes re-evaluate the relationship - usually an act that feels like a slap in the face in some way. It kind of wakes me up and causes me to ask myself why I'm friends with this person. It often comes as a surprise to me because it doesn't seem to be processing in my conscious mind.

    As far as telling someone when they bother at the time of the bothering, my process is a lot like others have described and also, I really don't have the energy to be doing that all the time or rather, I'm not willing to spend my energy on that.

    I work at my marriage, I work at parenting four children, I keep my dogs in their place in our pack. If the friendship isn't reasonably balanced and largely self-maintaining I just can't do it and I probably don't much want to.

    Maybe when my family responsibilities are not so intense I will have more energy to devote to being better at maintaining healthy friendships.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array TopherRed's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    MBTI
    ENFJ
    Enneagram
    2w3 so/sx
    Posts
    1,273

    Default

    The problem with me is, I let unhealthy people get too close. As an ENFJ, I attract them, and some arrogant part of me used to assume I could help. Now, I watch for warning signs, and ignore those I want nothing to do with before that happens. It sounds cruel and immature, but actually, doing the contrary is like filling your life with people constantly feigning suicide, and realizing that many of them are just too immature to stand on their own two feet. I call them sympathy vampires. They're looking for an easy way out of their issues, and you are it.

    Sympathy vampires look like ordinary people at first, so when I accidentally let one in, I have to door slam them. There's no other way to get them off of you, as they don't want your help, nor advice on how to stand on their own.
    Love is the point.

  10. #10
    Member Array
    Join Date
    May 2009
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    33

    Default

    This topic seems to come up often here. We INFJs must be notorious door-slammers.

    I do this if I feel manipulated, disrespected, pressured into submitting to the will of others, or not given the space needed to formulate my own conclusions.

    Unfortunately, many don't deserve this treatment, but the actions of a few can ruin for all.

    I agree that sometimes we do it for immature reasons; however, I believe that it is necessary at times.

Page 1 of 170 1231151101 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life
    By SilkRoad in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 02-03-2014, 11:26 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ Daily Life: Plans, Strangers,etc?
    By plaminal in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-13-2011, 12:13 AM
  3. [MBTItm] INFJ negotiating mid-life
    By Immaculate Cloud in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-21-2009, 09:04 PM
  4. [INFJ] INFJ, inner life a little too rich?
    By littledarling in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 02-18-2009, 02:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •