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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

S

Society

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So do are you supposing here that keeping in contact will assure the person will eventually lose their blind spot?
i am saying that the process of doorslamming means blocking off communication from the person who can tell you the other side, you are choosing to create your own blindspot to someone else's perspective (or support a perexisting one), you are socially engineering your own tunnel vision by not allowing for the other person's perspective to be heard.

and if you had no problem with your own states of tunnel vision when you feel you have your reasons and when it's justifiable from your perspective, where was her perspective within your decision to doorslam her for the very thing you are capable of having yourself? you agree so easily with those who say i "assume no introspectioin" but where was your introspection when you held her for ideals that the most fundemental level of introspection would have told you your failing at yourself?

when it comes to relationship problems - the act of doorslamming demands lying to yourself by telling yourself you explored all the possible avenues when not only is it not possible but your blocking them from doing the same.

but when it comes to stuff like this... seriously where do you get off holding people to ideals you couldn't reach by standing on the tip of your toes?
 
S

Sniffles

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i am saying that the process of doorslamming means blocking off communication from the person who can tell you the other side, you are choosing to create your own blindspot to someone else's perspective (or support a perexisting one), you are socially engineering your own tunnel vision by not allowing for the other person's perspective to be heard.
I can't speak for all INFJs necessarily, but I often try my best to be open to the other person's point of view. However, if the other person isn't going to be open and considerate of my perspective, then we've reached an impasse which unless resolved is probably going to end in a doorslam. Now miscommunication between types can occur and result in this mistaken impression, and sure reasonable dialogue is needed to overcome that. Very often INFJs(healthy ones at least) are more than willing to do that, but the other person has to be willing too - and sometimes they're not.

Also keep in mind INFJs are humans, and humans of whatever type have their faults and blind spots. Relatively mature INFJs will operate the best they can under the circumstances. Usually if we doorslam, it's because there's severe pain on our end as well - and sometimes we just have to look out for our own good.

FWIW, I keep seeing a blind spot on your part of negating or failing to see that we're in serious pain too on our end when the doorslam happens. Can't speak for everybody, but I don't necessarily take joy in doing it and I use it as a very last resort when other options have been exhausted.
 

Ivy

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For me, when I start to feel I am being consumed by someone, whether it's emotional/mental/physical, it's time for a doorslam. In actuality, it's just making official what has already been unofficially true for a while- if I dread having contact with you, we are not friends. It's really best for everyone if we don't pretend we are. I don't think it's necessary to "explore all the avenues" when some of the avenues involve further consumption.
 

Z Buck McFate

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and if you had no problem with your own states of tunnel vision when you feel you have your reasons and when it's justifiable from your perspective, where was her perspective within your decision to doorslam her for the very thing you are capable of having yourself? you agree so easily with those who say i "assume no introspectioin" but where was your introspection when you held her for ideals that the most fundemental level of introspection would have told you your failing at yourself?


Where was her perspective when I decided to doorslam? In crazytown. Saying crazy things. Making crazy accusations, and not listening to a single thing I had to say about any of it. For years, and getting worse as time went on. I’m not capable of acting like that myself because I’m too concerned about how I make the people close to me feel. I’m not even remotely capable of it. So I don’t begin to understand what you’re asking.
 
S

Society

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Also keep in mind INFJs are humans
OMG? for real? your saying humans act out of pain and their own negative expeirencess and make mistakes? that maybe we should be able to... forgive them? listen to where they where coming from? keep our minds open to their perspective? brilliant!

and thanks.
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
Forgive me if this has already been addressed, but how much of a conscious decision is a doorslam to INFJs? To me, I literally get a sense of a ton of bricks or something heavy just slamming to the ground and after that I've just reached my limit of what I can take from this person and afterwards I just do not want to deal with them anymore(or at the very least for long while). It's more like a sudden intuitive click in your head.
 
S

Sniffles

Guest
OMG? for real? your saying humans act out of pain and their own negative expeirencess and make mistakes? that maybe we should be able to... forgive them? listen to where they where coming from? keep our minds open to their perspective? brilliant!

and thanks.

Are you doing your part and listening to what the INFJs are telling you? In all honesty I don't think you are, and if INFJs get the sense you're not listening to them - you get the doorslam.
 

Ivy

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OMG? for real? your saying humans act out of pain and their own negative expeirencess and make mistakes? that maybe we should be able to... forgive them? listen to where they where coming from? keep our minds open to their perspective? brilliant!

and thanks.

Sure. A few times, even. When it starts being the major dynamic in the relationship and we frequently find ourselves in a place where they've plowed down a boundary I set and are now in need of forgiveness? I'm not going to stick around for that.
 
S

Society

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for god's sake this is simpler then 2x3.. listen closely:
I decided to doorslam
=
you decided to block off communication so you can not listen or hear the other side once its done.
means that:
I’m not capable of acting like that myself because I’m too concerned about how I make the people close to me feel. I’m not even remotely capable of it..
=
false.

you can't be incapable of the very things you do.
 

Ivy

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Here's a hint- when we doorslam someone, it means we're not close anymore. And haven't been for some time. You didn't just perform the amazing feat of logic you think you did.
 

Z Buck McFate

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Yeah, um, when I said "I'm not even remotely capable of it", I was talking more about the insane accusations and violent spurts of rage and using someone as my whipping boy- not so much the cutting off communication part. If you're even trying to equate them, then we're done here.
 

Ivy

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...that's called drifitng apart.

No, drifting apart is when both people move away from each other. There are other ways to become not-close. If I am contemplating breaking off contact with someone because they are consuming me, we are not drifting apart. They're driving me away.
 
S

Society

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Yeah, um, when I said "I'm not even remotely capable of it", I was talking more about the insane accusations and violent spurts of rage and using someone as my whipping boy- not so much the cutting off communication part. If you're even trying to equate them, then we're done here.
i am saying that in both cases your blocking yourself from seen the other person's perspective.

Yeah I'm beginning to see why Mane got doorslammed in the past.
funny.
see, you think that it might offend me because it protrays me as doorslam worthy.
but its actually offensive because of the very suggestion that the woman i married is so dimwitted she could take a rational argument she's uncomfortable and drive it into a negative judgement of the argument's source.
 
S

Society

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No, drifting apart is when both people move away from each other. There are other ways to become not-close. If I am contemplating breaking off contact with someone because they are consuming me, we are not drifting apart. They're driving me away.

so your not close and havent being for a long time because they are "consuming you"... nice, but metaphors make it easy to vilianize and justify pretty much everything. might saying what does "consuming you" mean?
 

Ivy

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What's wrong with blocking yourself from someone's perspective? IMO that's just called "being discriminating about with whom I spend my time/energy." It just seems like basic life 101 to use my critical thinking skills to recognize when someone has (or develops) a perspective that is incompatible with mine.
 
S

Sniffles

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funny.
see, you think that it might offend me because it protrays me as doorslam worthy.
You can see it however you wish. From my viewpoint, you're arguing a point ad nauseam and being rather rude to many of the INFJs who've taken the time and energy to address your arguments and concerns. That's going beyond merely trying to understand what happened between you and your wife in my view. You don't seem to be listening at all to what we're telling you.
 

Ivy

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so your not close and havent being for a long time because they are "consuming you"... nice, but metaphors make it easy to vilianize and justify pretty much everything. might saying what does "consuming you" mean?

If someone is stomping all over my boundaries and causing me stress to the point that I dread having contact with them, then I am not close to that person even if they think they are close to me. And I don't have to justify my decision to cut off contact to the person I'm cutting off contact with. I don't need their permission to choose who I associate with.
 
S

Society

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What's wrong with blocking yourself from someone's perspective?
your asking what's wrong from not seen the other side in your relationships? your asking what's wrong with not learning how your own actions affect people from perspectives other then your own so that you can recognize potential mistakes that might not apear to be obviously so from your initial perspective and thus learn from them and grow as a person?

meh, absolutely nothing.
 
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