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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

eclare

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Saw the above in an earlier post. This site has been very helpful. I've been dooslammed by the woman(INFJ) I thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with. To make a very long story short i broke trust but not intentionally. Then she set unrealistic expectations of how I should fix the situation. To make things even worse, we had a child together (tho we weren't a couple when i found out) so I see her several times a month. While I'm still in love with her she has made it very clear she doesn't love me anymore.

So my questions are this :
A) Are INFJ's narsicistic? She misinterprets contact and content and definitely creates and inflates drama. We used to have very long (hours)conversations that would exhaust both of us.

B:She has tried to open the door back recently just a little but then slams it shut. How can i help reopen the door?

With the caveat that I obviously don't have any information to go on except what you've provided it sounds to me like the problem is that you're still in love with her, and she knows it, but she does not reciprocate your feeligns. The reason she has tried to reopen the door just a little is that she cares about you, you are the father of her child, and she very likely wants to have some sort of relationship with you. But it's not the kind of relationship that she believes that you want, and that puts her on edge. So at the slightest sign of any romantic pressure from you, she shuts the door again.

Here's the thing about the doorslam - it's not something that we typically do on a whim, and it's not something we do because we don't care about people. We do it because we have the unhealthy tendency to care more about other people's feelings than our own, and when faced with the immediate pressure of someone else's pain our instinctive reaction is to do whatever is in our power to make that pain go away. The doorslam is our natural defense mechanism against that tendency. We are always tempted to give in to other people, so the solution is to avoid temptation.

By way of illustration, after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, he kept putting pressure on me to work through it with him. We had been working on the exact same issues for at least 70% of our entire relationship, so I was pretty well convinced that there was nothing to be done. Still, I found myself repeatedly thinking "I can make him so happy by sticking with him. What does it matter if I'm miserable for the rest of my life, as long as he's happy." This isn't hyperbole, that was the exact thought that kept running through my mind. Fortunately I've been in therapy long enough to know how destructive that mindset is, so I finally told him to stop contacting me. Without the doorslam, he would have eventually worn me down and we would have ended up making a terrible mistake.
 

Neutralpov

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But it's not the kind of relationship that she believes that you want, and that puts her on edge. So at the slightest sign of any romantic pressure from you, she shuts the door again.

Here's the thing about the doorslam - it's not something that we typically do on a whim, and it's not something we do because we don't care about people. We do it because we have the unhealthy tendency to care more about other people's feelings than our own, and when faced with the immediate pressure of someone else's pain our instinctive reaction is to do whatever is in our power to make that pain go away. The doorslam is our natural defense mechanism against that tendency. We are always tempted to give in to other people, so the solution is to avoid temptation.

Thank you for posting this! The example is a good illustration. And I might add that I feel it physically and I literally felt myself explode with a close relationship I had bad boundaries in and had to door slam. The exploding feels terrible and I could tell in my heart/mind/psyche or whatever the word is when my shift to putting the other's needs would come before mine and just know it was bad. Now I am a lot wiser and feel like the point of putting someone as an idol is not healthy for the other person either and I can prevent or shift to make better boundaries before the point is reached. There is a level of closeness that makes the relationship just over because if you go back you would have to go back 100% to that intimacy and most people won't accept going back a lower level of intimacy or acquaintance.

Again thanks for this thread. I so relate and hope to never have to doorslam again!
 

homesick.alien

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I have doorslammed many times and some of these times I regret.

Mostly its because I no longer feel happy, or safe, or comfortably in that relationship, and I need to get out before it hurts me even more. Maybe they betrayed me or do something repeatedly that offended me. But also, I can't bring myself to tell the person whats wrong so it comes off as though I'm breaking off the relationship for no apparent reason whatsoever.

It's not really something I do out of anger, and sometimes I do want to remain cordial with the person, but maybe just not as close as before. However, in my life, i either have acquaintances or really close "kindred spirits". Nothing in between. Therefore the space between us gets bigger and bigger until we no longer talk anymore.

I've lost so many close friends this way, and I don't like it. But i really can't help it.
 

Vasilisa

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I wanted to post about something I have been thinking on, it integrates part of the discussion that went on here before things got personal and exploded. It relates also to part of these posts I wrote last year.

sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway"

I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

I know this may seem perfectly random. I am just speculating on myself right now. Just wondering how to find the real truth of myself and make it something less guarded, not more.

It's still true, what is new is how recently I was struck with familiarity when I read an essay that used the specter of the unanswered letter metaphor(not the nuclear sub one, lol). Joan Didon: On Self Respect

Joan Didion said:
To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out – since our self-image is untenable – their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan; no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meting the next demand made upon us.

It is the phenomenon sometimes called “alienation from self.” In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands to much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.

I'm just talking about me, not intending to say all INFJs relate to this or anything, and certainly not saying anyone lacks self respect. But her last paragraph resonates with me. Not so much in doorslamming, but more in the hardcore withdrawing that I engage in when I am in a bad way. Respect is obviously fundamental to a persons behavior. And I know that this doesn't really provide an answer to the problem, but I do find it encouraging, rather than degrading or insulting like some of the judgments served up earlier in this thread. I'm certainly not a slavish people-pleaser, but I do feel that duality of wanting to be seen really and fearing it, too. People do want to know. Its a gift to us both. Running away and feeling disappointed when those I care for can't simply know what I know deprives us both. I struggle with this.

I hope others will find something valuable in this essay, too :)
 

Crescent Fresh

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I do realize that door-slamming isn't the healthiest way of dealing a troubled relationship. But then, for me, the sole reason for door-slamming has largely do with inability to tolerate the pain (which usually resulted from overwhelming heartache and disapponitments).

I suppose it also has to do with our heavy emotional investment. Since INFJs are very giving-oriented, it may feel disasterous when they felt all of their time, energy, patience, and love have been wasted. Once we've concluded that there's no other ways to rebuild the same level of trust and harmony, we usually consider the door-slamming as a part of defensive mechanism to help us to move on faster with our lives.


Though I don't recommend it, of course. This is something I really wish to avoid (and am currently struggling to do it) because it's really part of our "J" functions of wanting to settle everything down conclusively. It's also an extremely painful process during the entire phase of implementation of whether to doorslam a person or not.
 

the state i am in

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i think the self-respect thing is another way of saying "self-acceptance." this is what allows you to insulate yourself more naturally against what you consider to be wrong in the world around you. Fe is looking to make those things right, but checking that tendency and accepting more, focusing on what you can rightly control and letting go of what you can't, and most of all accepting yourself and YOUR STORY really rebalances those complex equations.

i think the story thing is interesting. so that we don't identify or disidentify with static images/projections of ourselves and instead recognize our life history and the subjective experiences that led to choices that were tied to specific moments. once you realize and reconstruct what your world of possibilities was in those particular moments and let go of the perfect, desired image that is not tied to anything actually on the ground but instead just floats along as a projected possibility, well, it's easier to be a real person. it helps us get in touch with the world of interiors that are always ongoing.
 

SilkRoad

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I do realize that door-slamming isn't the healthiest way of dealing a troubled relationship. But then, for me, the sole reason for door-slamming has largely do with inability to tolerate the pain (which usually resulted from overwhelming heartache and disapponitments).

I suppose it also has to do with our heavy emotional investment. Since INFJs are very giving-oriented, it may feel disasterous when they felt all of their time, energy, patience, and love have been wasted. Once we've concluded that there's no other ways to rebuild the same level of trust and harmony, we usually consider the door-slamming as a part of defensive mechanism to help us to move on faster with our lives.


Though I don't recommend it, of course. This is something I really wish to avoid (and am currently struggling to do it) because it's really part of our "J" functions of wanting to settle everything down conclusively. It's also an extremely painful process during the entire phase of implementation of whether to doorslam a person or not.

This is pretty much exactly how I feel about the whole doorslamming thing and why/how I might do it...

Usually it would be because the person really has behaved pretty badly toward me. But sometimes it's more of a massive letdown in terms of my own expectations, or the realisation that I have given a great deal and that the other person a) probably doesn't realise that and b) has never really seen or recognized who I really am - where I had allowed myself to believe that they had. I may still need to detach completely and utterly for self preservation, to move on, and as Crescent said, not being able to tolerate the pain if the person is actively in my life. My bad, I guess, but there you go...
 

BalanceFind

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Hi,

I apologize for re-hashing an old thread. But I'm in need of some assistance with an infj door slamming situation.

I would like to tell my story if there are any people out there with experience and knowledge of the infj door slam. Thanks.
 

BalanceFind

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My story is long, but I want all info out there that can help with feedback. Thank you. Background: My girlfriend is an infj, enneagram 4w3. I am an entp/enfp enneagram 8, both wings.

Anyway...I've been door slammed. The bottom line is that I have to interact with my girlfriend for specific bill paying financial livelihood reasons regardless of anything else. In a different world, I'd try to be supportive and understanding from a distance I was door slammed because of misinformation and miscommunication. She now later knows this but still nothing. Part of the door slam is because she wants to hide her misdeeds, hide behind a false image...narcissism. And, she's wrongly afraid that I would expose her false image. She got in over her head with indulgences, extremes, finances.

We've been dating exclusively for the past few years. We've known each other off and on for 9 years. We've had a very serious relationship. Part of our relationship has been long distance...Internationally. We've worked around this as I've been able to take long stretches of visits, month a time, often. I'm an entrepeneur. We talk every day for years. I was supposed to relocate permanently to where she is and live together. She was getting frustrated with waiting but it was fine. Our relationship was very strong on both sides in terms of love, commitment, etc..

Different stressors, mostly downplayed and hidden, combined with misinformation has been the cause of the door slam.

I literally left after a long visit to see her. She was stressed out before my arrival. These stresses were closing on our new home, self preservation stresses. We had to meet some deadlines for some large payments, the new home was going to be a few months late etc...those types of things...

The big developing problem were her increasing indulgences. Lavish. Beyond normal for her. We have a good life. But, there are limits and boundaries. Stress was causing her to increase these things more so than in her past with me. She began the I have to walk on egg shells routine while I was on my last trip. It was worse than normal. I had worked hard to wire her a very large payment for our new home. She had irrational fears from past experiences that I wouldn't come through. Even after I did, she wanted more and more. She became jealous of some of our friends there. Looking back on it was easy to see her downward spiral. But, not at the time. She never mentioned it. And she hid it well.

She really is a wonderful person and we've done a lot for each other. So, she gave zero indication of an upcoming door slam until I was gone and I never heard from her that week back. I panicked, I had zero idea if she was okay...remember she and I talked every day for several years. So, I had to think of whom to call that she and I both know that I trust. The country she's in now is her native country, and it's Spanish speaking. She is fluent in both, I'm decent with Spanish. But our friends where she is...mostly speak little English...and with the cultural differences...etc...I chose a relative of hers who's number I had in the states. I chose wrong because it was as if I was exposing her narcissistic actions inadvertantly. I exposed her privacy etc...just by calling this person and simply asking to check on her to see if she was okay and what was going on...I never once thought it was a door slam. I thought she was in trouble or something.

So, I did contact someone else, one time, one person. That's it. She isn't just using me for money. She's paid for half of e everything in our relationship. She does spend too much once in a while, and she does have expensive tastes, but our situation was very manageable.

The intervention caused her to call me one time. She was very upset, irrational, it didn't last long. It was a door slam verbally at that point too. But her info was soooo incorrect. Time went by and I would email her very loving positive supportive heartfelt emails....trying to get her to see her info was not correct. She sent me a couple of metaphoric forwards that made sense, that she was secretly falling apart and that I should have noticed it and made it better.

So, I think she gets it, but still no return. I'm no longer willing to wait. It's now been 4-5 months. Problem is I need my money back. I am legally protected to get it back, but that would be a messy nasty situation. I don't want that. But, it's a very large sum of money. Remember she paid a lot for the place too. It was a scam for money though it feels that way now. It's more complex than that. I've known her 9 years, dating the past several years.

My preference is to help her, clear up all misunderstandings that could have been taken care of months ago. I do love her and care for her. Obviously this incident changes my trust and those things. I'd never abandon her as a human being. But my concern reluctantly now is my well being, my finances, ....and my life there as I planned a lot of things there. I have literally decided to give her time, put that part of my life on hold. It's caused me great suffering in many ways. Friends, finances, geography all on hold.

I don't have a way of getting in touch with her except email, which she doesn't return. She has desperately tried to cover her tracks to the local people there. Image. ...when she doesn't have to...Now, we have an equal relationship...I realize it is coming across differently. I easily could have done some things differently and better. I have my regrets and my share of any blame etc...I have put off going there long enough. I am definitely going to do that soon. I would greatly appreciate feedback. It's a complex situation. Sorry this is so long.
 

Crescent Fresh

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One of the good thing about revisiting the various doorslamming threads is that I've learned the most about how much pain this can cause others and to self.

Recently, I've reconnected with a few who I had once doorslammed in the past. And I suppose time really heals and also I've learned the importance of reconnecting people in general.
 

BalanceFind

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The out of the blue finality is devastating. The not knowing what the person is thinking or doing is difficult. The problem I have is time. I don't have the time to wait and wait. There are important responsibilities. I wish I knew how to reach a door slamming deteriorating infj. I wish I knew how to proceed.
 

SilkRoad

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The out of the blue finality is devastating. The not knowing what the person is thinking or doing is difficult. The problem I have is time. I don't have the time to wait and wait. There are important responsibilities. I wish I knew how to reach a door slamming deteriorating infj. I wish I knew how to proceed.

I'm very sorry you've gone through that. It sounds like a complicated and painful situation and a practical hassle as well.

It doesn't sound as though your INFJ is very "healthy", but I guess that goes without saying. I wonder what may be going on in the background that you may not even know about, from your description...?

I have doorslammed very few people, but I have done it. I regret it for a while and then when I am over pain/anger I don't regret it any more. Under certain circumstances it is the only way for me to forget someone and move on and stop hurting. I've tried being friends with exes, that sort of thing, and it just messes me up and prolongs the pain.

Interestingly, the evidence suggests that people do miss me, that they might want me back in some form. The trouble is - if I get to that stage with someone, it is because they have been extremely careless with my feelings, showed a serious lack of respect, or something of that nature. And I tend to then conclude that not only do I no longer want them in my life, but they never really valued me, if they could treat me like that - so why should I try and respect their needs after that?

Maybe it is just an "unhealthy" thing that I do (on very rare occasions). But I think I am a reasonably "healthy" person. It is a problem area. I do think that INFJs expect people to know what is going on with them a little too much. I am not one of these INFJs who claims to be able to read everyone's minds, but I have concluded that I'm better at telling what's going on with other people than the average person is. So I probably tend to assume that they know more about what's going on with me than they do. But then again, sometimes people seem unforgivably self-absorbed and oblivious. When you TELL SOMEONE how sensitive you are, and offer evidence, and they then act like an asshole and expect you to be ok with it - what can you conclude from that?

The upshot is that if I get to that stage with someone I am very unlikely to ever let them back in. I am too likely to regret it if I do.

I wish I had something practical to suggest. I wonder if you may need to go the legal route. Are you viewing the relationship as over? You mention narcissism or something similar...she might have complex psychological issues which are not at all under your control.
 

BalanceFind

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Thanks so much for the replies. Please keep them coming. I love her and I want to work things out with her...in some way. What matters first to me is communication. There is so much miscommunication and misinformation. Imo if we sat down in person we could help a lot of things. But she vanished so I can only wait for her to initiate that. And, since she's a an infj...that may not happen.

I hurt her by going to a relative of hers that I barely knew, called him in the states in a panic because I hadn't heard from her. I promise you, the way I left her in her country, I never saw the door slam coming. Anyway, I was very worried about her cuz that never happened before. She was sooooo angry that I called her relative and invaded her privacy. My call also accidentally exposed her self inflated image a little bit...out of fear I mentioned lots of things...that we had just paid the condo stuff etc...and I certainly felt "played." So it was part fear, part me feeling shockingly betrayed.

I don't want to go the legal route. But I need the money. I don't really have a trustworthy go between. I am not sure what she tells our friends there. At first I think it was that I was busy with work so I hadn't made it there yet for another visit or to move. I don't even know right now what is going on with the condo, or her life.
This may sound bizzarre, but I was busy bettering myself during this time, and giving her space...and the periodic emails trying to get her out of her funk to re-connect. The financial situation is becoming more of an issue. And the bizzarre thing is recently, my brother's best friend died in his sleep...he was "young" as in 45...and this event somehow triggered my fears again about everything. And, my girlfriend has stopped communication for a longer period.

I need to know she is okay. She flips out if she knows I've talked with her friends about her. Once I can establish that, then I want to see her in person which I don't even know is possible. I don't even know if she wants me to try or not.

I really wish I didn't need the money. I would just let her keep it, and I'd keep trying to do what I was doing, but perhaps more aggressively visiting. I've waited too long imo. I worry about the lone funks and long periods of infj. I need to speed up the time without causing a problem.

Clearly she's less healthy than I thought. And, I believe she has some many years ago issues with others...but not me...she's had a strong stretch with me.

I wish I could see her and listen to all that is wrong...and try to calmly, politely cover different topics. She truly has made a hasty door slam with wrong information. And, the issues she has had in the relationship are very solveable things of communication. I reached out casually to a couple of local friends there who don't speak English to see if they have talked with her lately. No response yet and that is odd because these same two people always get back to me right away. It hasn't been much time, so I'm waiting. Then my last resort is someone that I know speaks with her a lot, goes back and forth between countries, and they are somewhat close. I however am uncertain if this other woman likes me or trusts me etc...it would literally be a roll of the dice. And, I'm fearful my contacting others about my girlfriend will spark more miscommunication and negative actions from her.

I think there were minor issues in the relationship that built up along with her stresfull situation....but she was projecting past problems with others on to me...things long before she met me. She is a very good person, beautiful, smart, caring, successful etc...mso don't get the wrong bad image. However she has been exhibiting the low level characteristics of an infj enneagram 4 and enneagram 3, her wing. I appreciate the continued feedback. Thanks.
 

BalanceFind

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Does anyone have a suggestion as to how to proceed? I would like to fly there and go find her and talk with her but I'm very concerned about surprising someone, especially if they are in unhealthy state. It could be great or awful. I'm concerned about approaching too many people we know to get info. That may somehow set her off....invasion of privacy. I can't go on the way it is...and I prefer to sit with her and go over things. I really don't want to go the legal route. How can I approach someone who door slammed me...and time is ticking by for months...What I she likely thinking or feeling? I really don't want to make any mistakes. But I am unable to wait it out. Would showing up be bad? Would calling people she knows just to at least make sure she's okay be bad? Thanks so much. As you can tell, it's been devastating for me.
 

Crescent Fresh

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I have doorslammed very few people, but I have done it. I regret it for a while and then when I am over pain/anger I don't regret it any more. Under certain circumstances it is the only way for me to forget someone and move on and stop hurting. I've tried being friends with exes, that sort of thing, and it just messes me up and prolongs the pain.

I can totally relate to this, Silk!

I realized one thing about myself that, (and suspect this is a common trait among INFJs) once I felt extremely hurt I don't necessary shows my disturbed emotions in public. Everything is internalized and that it takes a HUGE efforts for me to get over it. Suffering in pain during an emotional fallout is the most stressful phase for me to endure. It seems the only way to recover it is by having absolutely zero contact with that person, and the easiest way is to ignore him/her through doorslamming.

I'm also amazed that once I doorslammed someone, it really helps me to block any association with the person. Eventually that person will become non-exsisting and that helps me to move on with life at ease. Sure enough I may think of him or her once in a blue moon, but as time goes by, I find myself rarely revisit back on my memory lane anymore. One thing I should mention though, that is when I applied door-slamming on someone, it's usually a painful decision and also it takes a lengthy amount of time as I did put all things under considerations. It's not just a mere tool of random impulsion.

Though after learning about my type and how much it can affect the other (especially from [MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION]), I started to re-examine my past actions. Upon the discovery of my type as an INFJ, some part of me felt glad that I'm not an odd ball as the descriptions fit me and that there are other people who share similar personality as me. But then comes to the dilemma whether to embrace my type and accept all the strengths and flawed qualities, or should I use the newfound knowledge to alter my weakness.

With the recent conflict that I had with an ENTJ, she actually did text me back, without any apology but just to ask how I'm doing. I didn't reply for a week as I honestly didn't want to re-connect with her because I didn't feel ready. Though after reading a few posters comment, I started to realize that perhaps I'm being selfish as I could have worded it more nicely (my Fe came on full-force back then). I think during generally INFJs are good at avoiding conflicts but not when they unleash their anger and frustrations.

Or perhaps this isn't type-related but I felt I tend to be not fond of offering second chances when I felt extremely offended. The problem is I am also not good at dropping "obvious" hints in a more direct manner before I couldn't handle it anymore. This may cause the other party to feel surprised when they didn't know that they had crossed our lines.

Recently I had a long phone conversation with my mother, who is an ISFP, kept on reminding me that sometimes I should appreciate if someone is trying to offer me a word of advice even if it's negatively proceeded. She sees it as a token of love and asked me not to build too much expectation on others for offering sound advice just because I set a high bar on it. That really hits me and made me to re-evaluate my course of past actions of doorslamming.



I don't have a way of getting in touch with her except email, which she doesn't return. She has desperately tried to cover her tracks to the local people there. Image. ...when she doesn't have to...Now, we have an equal relationship...I realize it is coming across differently. I easily could have done some things differently and better. I have my regrets and my share of any blame etc...I have put off going there long enough. I am definitely going to do that soon. I would greatly appreciate feedback. It's a complex situation. Sorry this is so long.

I don't know why but I felt like having a deja-vu reading this. I remembered reading something similar on TypeC. Is this the first time you've posted this?

About advice... since you're desperate with money and that a 4-5 months wait is really not a good indication of repatching things up. I would suggest that you should focus on one thing and giving up the other.

Though honestly, I don't think this relationship is healthy enough to begin with. Perhaps this is a good opportunity for you to move on by putting an end to all this, even if you have to resort it with legal authority.
 

BalanceFind

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I did post one other time within the past few months. It was far less detailed than this. I don't remember where I posted it. I didn't get much response. Being an Entp/Enfp pouring out my emotions and whole story is very difficult. We have the fear of vulnerability, etc...

As I stated an unfortunate death of a family friend, triggered some delayed emotions inside of me. That is common for us. My emotions now are more like my original panic and shock but slightly better managed. At that time she/infj seemed like she had it set up for after I left the country, a trick if you will. I never saw it coming. Never once did I think she would abandon me. I know from study that infj's fear abandonment which made it more shocking. I had no knowledge of door slams.

I found this thread while searching. I couldn't find others. None of my friends, etc...study or care about personality stuff, including my girlfriend.

What about when an infj door slams for wrong reasons/misinformation? Is there a chance of communication? She did send me a few emails, big metaphor stories. One story was how a wealthy guy in nice car drives through poor neighborhood only to have some kid throw a rock at his car. The guy gets out furious, but finds out the kid was just trying to get his attention that his little brother fell out of his wheel chair on the street corner and the little kid couldn't help him. The man then does a 180 and helps right away and he leaves the dent in his car and never fixes it to remind him to slow down in life and to remind him of that incident. It was quite the story and I was stunned to receive it from her.

I took the story to be her panicking and suffering and I didn't know it and I wasn't able to read her mind. My problem with this is even if it's after the fact, just talk with me, we can fix any problem...but I can't read your mind. Sure I have depth, romanticism, a deep soul, all those things, but still no one will ever read an infj's mind.

I know that if I could ever get her in person, calm, decent mood, that I could say what I want to say, and I could listen to anything she said too. Then we'd see if going separate ways is the way to go. Problem is a lot of these pains for her were very very fixable. Thanks for the continued replies. They help me.

I want to approach our common friends and let them know the story, and what has happened. At this point, it couldn't hurt. I've got nothing to lose. I'm fearful of her misunderstanding why I'm doing it. I want to help her and I want to help myself. I would never abandon her in life as a person. I've known her 9 years.
 

BalanceFind

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Since I started my story, I'll add to it in case it ever helps someone else. I broke down and contacted a few friends of ours in the other country, but they didn't get back to me which is unusual. I then started to get very worried that something was wrong with her or had happened to her. I needed to know. So I decided to call a bilingual couple we know who goes back and forth between the two countries. I wasn't sure if she'd be trustworthy or not.

It turns out she was, or I hope so, trustworthy. We talked for hours about the situation. I realize I'm violating an infj privacy thing by sharing, but I had no choice. I have no regrets. My girlfriend is alive and well and has been busy finally getting to move into our new home there. It's a positive for her, because it's nice, after all the stress. It's still stressful but the place is finished and had been a dream of hers/ours etc...she hasn't been in contact with anyone really.

So, I will be going there unannounced to see her. No idea how she'll respond. If it's not good or if she doesn't want to see me, then I'll have our mutual bilingual friend talk with her to set it up or communicate through her. I know intially my girlfriend will be upset that I told someone else, but I had no choice and as long as everyone is polite, calm, caring, hopefully positive communication and peace can be restored. I'm not sure if I was permanently door slammed or not. I really don't know. She may have wanted to wait until she had more of a handle on her problems, I don't know. Unfortunately, if she is still in a bad narcissistic self-absorbed way, it won't go well. And it will become a legal matter that I didn't want.

I realize she has been functioning at average, to low average to unhealthy levels. I also realize that some of it has to do with us, but most doesn't. I'm pretty loyal. Most narcissists have a difficult time pulling the mask off to be vulnerable, to allow long term sincere relationships to exist without an image. But I know that it can happen once every blue moon. This has changed my trust and guard with her. But much to her suprise I'm sure, I'm not going to abandon her in life. I've known her too long, too close. I just won't do it.

Thanks for the responses. I realize I've hogged the thread lately. But it helped me. And I help others too. I now have to go book a trip and see what happens. I'm hoping for the best. I'll come back and mention what happens. And I'll check if anyone else has any other responses in between that time. Thank you very much. So far I've learned that I didn't need to wait so long, but that, it's never too late for anything.
 

BalanceFind

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Part of the reason I keep posting in this thread is to help others while also helping myself by seeking feedback.

My infj girlfriend became more unhealthy than I thought. The biggest problem or challenge is the narcissism. If any of you are familiar with the enneagram, she is a 4w3. And, she has been functioning in lower levels of 3, the narcissistic type. If anyone has any feedback/advice/help from experience, it'd be welcomed. I'm afraid of low level narcissists because I know they are capable of going/sinking as low as possible to get what they want. So, I've been in a patient, agonizing holding pattern. However, to most other non infj types, 5 months of vanishing into thin air without a trace an without warning, is unacceptable behavior.

It's okay to be unique, different, romantic, artistic, and all of those wonderful things as long as you live your life within reasonable boundaries and communication. When infj's stop checking in, their imaginations run wild with worst case scenarios sometimes. What she doesn't understand is that despite her actions, I won't abandon her in life. I don't she she realizes that because of a low level narcissistic phase. Right now she is trying to keep up her image to our friends and the world in another country. She knows that I have the ability to expose a lot of her actions. What she doesn't understand is that I'm interested in a win/win scenario for both of us, however that may be. She is forcing animosity and conflict when it isn't necessary.

My crime was putting limits on her financially. Under great stress she can be low level infj or low level 4w3 and impulsively be lavishly self-indulgent. Much of the time this was not a problem. But the long distance, isolation, having to rough it until our new home was built, etc...piled up on her and the stress became too much. She hid most of this from me until it was too late. I'm observant and I recognized some of this. But I never thought it would come to this. My other crime was contacting 3rd parties when she vanished to see what they heck happened to her. Was she alive? Etc...I don't regret doing either thing.

For me, she went from a healthy, once in a while average functioning infj/4w3 to lower levels. It's not the first time in her life she's done this. However it is with me. She became fearful of keeping a certain unreachable image at all times, instead of just being herself. She is loved and valued in her home country as someone who came to the states to make it and be successful and who has come back to revered by others and for others to look up to...but her problem is despite being able to be a salt of the earth infj, at other times, it's very important for her to keep that image that she is somehow better than others. Narcissism. She goes back and forth with this. It was all manageable within reason. ...but the stress got to be too much for her. She started to engage in way too much unrealistic financial self indulgence. She started to become jealous of others, even our friends.

Please don't think I'm some perfect person, but this is the infj board and thread. I could have done some things better and differently too. But overall we both treated each other well much of the time. I really believe the temporary isolation started to take its toll on her. The long distance. The irrational fears then started.

I can't seem to help her out of the self-indulgent hostile phase. She's gone from depressed isolation back to frantically covering mistakes and maintaining a false image. I've given her a lot of time, 5 months, patience, loving support from a distance. Nothing.

If she would listen, we could work out peaceful solutions and help one another. Nope. Her narcissism is a brick wall right now. She's so afraid that others will see that underneath her inflated image, that she isn't so great. The problem is she is great and they'd all love her if she had nothing in life. I'm trying to save her from herself. But she seems destined for trying to destroy me with misplaced childhood anger. She had a tough, abusive mother who never loved her for herself. She has always portrayed herself as a victim in life. The problem with that of course is that you are what you belive you are...and you'll suffer through life if you want to portray yourself as a permanent victim. At some point you aren't.

Sadly, it appears this situation is going to become a legal, financial situation when it didn't need to be. I've waited 5 months and 5 months may seem like 5 minutes to a self indulgent lower functioning infj, but it's not to everyone else. The sad thing is she happily could have lived in the new house, happily could have continued daily love and support from me, the one person who knows all of her mistakes, flaws, problems, along with her many, many positive qualities and accomplishments, and would always be there for her. Even the most understanding of people have limits.

We'll see how it goes in person. The phone call lasted less than 25 seconds. The only thing she said was that I will eventually get my money. I never even mentioned money. She volunteered it. This shows she knows that in order to keep up her image, she knows she was willing to turn her back on me to do it. I called to tell her I loved her, that she is my best friend, that it's okay, that I'd help her get the help she needs, that I'd be happy to work with her together on an every day communicating basis so that we both can be mutually happy, whatever that may be. Instead, she just said that I'll get my money, click. Without checking in, she wrongly assumed I'd be hostile, etc...I hope any infj reading this understands what harm they do to themselves when door slamming others. It is very rarely a good idea.

I still think I can find a way to reach her better in person. I'm hoping she will just be tired, and break down and communicate peacefully. It takes a lot of energy to be hostile. At some point when the other person isn't hostile back, perhaps she'll realize it's in her best interest to have me in her corner. If not, I will have to proceed legally and give her the animosity that she wrongly thinks she wants. Nobody wins. I'm a positive person, my Entp/Enfp. I've already figured out, worked on and improved areas of myself that would help the situation.

I just need to find a way to help her out of a low average to low level of narcissism. I find it frightening to be around...way past the average infj walk on egg shells.
 
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