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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

cafe

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Yeah, I don't think this is a problems for people interacting (or not, not anymore) with the INFJ (since they proved their worth by doorslamming ya) but for the INFJ him/herself and maybe not learning from the experience as much as they could and understanding just how accurate their character assessment or good judgement is.
I've doorslammed four people in my forty years. One of them I let come back though not in the same capacity they once held. All of them committed major boundary violations -- sometimes over the course of many years. Eventually, there was an event that showed me, under no uncertain terms, that I could make excuses for their behavior no more, that the relationship was damaging to me and not helping them in any significant way.

I am so prone to codependent behavior, that it is very difficult for me to stay in a relationship where I have been an enabler without continuing to engage in enabling behaviors. I'm working at not creating new co-dependent relationships, but it is so ingrained in my nature to ignore my own feelings for the benefit of others and to tolerate boundary violations to avoid conflict and rejection, that for me, it has been a healthy step to be able to say "No. You don't get to keep doing that to me." To stay in a co-dependent relationship while trying to become less co-dependent would be like an alcoholic trying to recover from alcoholism while while working as a bar tender. Yeah, it would be great if I was that self-actualized, but I'm just not.

Seriously, if somebody gets doorslammed by me, I have bent over backwards and twisted myself up like a pretzel in hopes of being able to make things work. I know I sound like a stone-cold bitch, but I'm very loyal, accepting, and give people the benefit of the doubt well beyond the point where most people would. It's not any kind a virtue, it's just something I can't seem to help doing.

The difference between me and what you might consider normal is that I don't speak up as soon as I should, that I don't speak up as loudly as I should, and that when I make a decision to end a relationship it appears extremely abrupt and I often stick with that decision more rigidly than another type might.

Looking back at my own doorslamming experiences, I think what I've learned is how to recognize and avoid someone I should not enter into a relationship with. I'm also learning how to say no to doing things for or with people when I don't have the time, money, or energy to do them or maybe when I just don't want to or don't feel like it -- because those are valid reasons, too. As I learn to do that, I believe that doorslamming will become unnecessary behavior because my relationships will not get in that condition.

It seems like people want to focus on, what to me, is the wrong end of the problem. They want to invalidate the decision to end a relationship, when often the relationship should never have begun or the relationship has been allowed to go on too long or too dysfunctionally. It's this tendency toward invalidating ourselves and considering our own feelings and desires less valid than those of others that create this situation, more often than not. So further invalidation is not the solution, IMO.
 

mysavior

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So what is a non-passive-aggressive way to end a relationship you no longer want to participate in, or is that just not an option?
Who cares?

The approach has been categorized, not judged.

Do you think the passive-aggressive approach is wrong?

I usually don't like passive-aggressive people, but this context is a bit different.
 

Moiety

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It seems like people want to focus on, what to me, is the wrong end of the problem. They want to invalidate the decision to end a relationship, when often the relationship should never have begun or the relationship has been allowed to go on too long or too dysfunctionally. It's this tendency toward invalidating ourselves and considering our own feelings and desires less valid than those of others that create this situation, more often than not. So further invalidation is not the solution, IMO.

No, it's not. But you hit the nail on the head with self-actualization. I keep telling my INFJ brother (who is 11 years older than me btw) that the solution is to start relationships in a healthier manner. After relationships have taken a certain, I agree it's difficult to change them. I can definitely see, in comparison to my brother, how being slightly less accommodating in certain ways from the get go saves me from all the problems he usually faces in relationships with other people.

My friends KNOW they I'm not gonna be doing everything they ask of me for example...and the sweet thing about the deal is that, because of the way I am that doesn't even bother them....because they also know that I only "don't care to help" in more trivial stuff. When the shit hits the fan I'm there. But I don't believe in doing favors, even to friends, as a habit.

So yeah, door-slamming is not elegant, it probably is a necessary evil for the INFJs mental sanity, but it's something every INFJ should be mindful of in the process of self-actualization. For their own good. I'm not even talking from the perspective of the door-slammed.
 

SilkRoad

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The difference between me and what you might consider normal is that I don't speak up as soon as I should, that I don't speak up as loudly as I should, and that when I make a decision to end a relationship it appears extremely abrupt and I often stick with that decision more rigidly than another type might.

All this applies to me to a large extent, and probably to many/most INFJs. Are most of us basically co-dependent, do you think? (not asking this in a sarcastic way...really want to know.)
 

window_view

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I did this to so many of my friends when I was in my teens, I’m actually surprise that even still have a friend from my childhood. I think it was because I used to put a lot of emotional investment into my friendships that if any of them let me down or sometimes just for petty reasons that would be grounds for me to never talk to them again. I think this was for two main reasons.

A) I was very idealist of how things should be in a friendship.
B) I used to avoid conflicts until it reached a point that I would dislike the person, without them ever realising it.
 

cafe

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Who cares?

The approach has been categorized, not judged.

Do you think the passive-aggressive approach is wrong?

I usually don't like passive-aggressive people, but this context is a bit different.
I thought perhaps you had a solution.

No, I don't think the passive-aggressive approach is wrong. It's not always the best approach, but it has it's place and I generally dislike it less than outright aggression.
 

cafe

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All this applies to me to a large extent, and probably to many/most INFJs. Are most of us basically co-dependent, do you think? (not asking this in a sarcastic way...really want to know.)
I think we might be more prone to it than is average. We like to please, we tend to have to take time to analyze things after the fact so it's easy to catch us off guard and to manipulate us emotionally, etc. We're quiet and dislike conflict and scenes. If we lacked a super-healthy dynamic growing up, it seems somewhat inevitable. I think we are a type for whom the ego is easily subjugated to the super-ego, leaving the ego underdeveloped, if that makes sense. It's almost a rite of passage to learn that it's okay to have preferences and to not always act for the good of the group, but to do what we want now and then for no reason other than we just want to.
 

Tigerlily

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I recently "door slammed" a "friend". I got so caught up in her drama that I allowed myself to get sucked in, only to act out and start a fight that I (subconsciously) hoped would end the friendship. It worked and I can't stand her now even though I hear she had hoped we'd get to discuss what happened. I never want to speak to her freaky ass again.

I beat myself up over the fact that I haven't many friends, but I've never been a friend person. I always have the feeling that people don't like me so I just avoid getting involved. I'm really just thankful/lucky that I met a man who doesn't make me feel claustrophobic and understands me, otherwise I'd be very lonely and likely living with a ton of cats or shih tzu's.

For me the door slam can occur when I'm feeling vulnerable and insecure or backed into a corner with someone I am not comfortable around. It's just easier to end the friendship rather than try and "talk" it out. I always feel that people are too self absorbed to care whether or not I am upset about something or that I'm being whiny for complaining about some stupid shit they said/did. I also don't really know when it might happen. My Husband called the last one. He was right and I'm just glad he let me play it out and no one got hurt. :laugh:

I have one online friend that I speak to regularly and I assume she likes me because we are still communicating. If we lived closer together I do think we'd be OK with one another. We might not have tons in common due to different upbringings, but we share similar morals/values.

Oh in response to questioning whether or not we're being fair to "friends", I too have thought about my failed friendships and how I could have if (I were so inclined) salvaged the relationship. Honestly I feel as though I would have had to continue being someone I am not, to appease the friend(s). Also, friendships require a lot of attention and reserved time and I'm so involved with my immediate family, that I just don't have much time left to give.
it's a defense mechanism, enough said.
more or less...
 

Fidelia

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Being more discriminating in the beginning and drawing clearer boundaries from the start largely prevents needing to slam doors later. I think learning to do that comes with experience and maturity for INFJs. I'm much better at it than I was at 20. I also have a tendancy to accommodate too much, over promise, or give attention to whomever most urgently demands it. When I learned to do that less, I found that people felt more secure, acted less entitled and were more appreciative of my efforts. I was also better able to keep my word without overextending myself.
 

Moiety

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I wonder what would be the ENFP issue analogous to doorslamming and overextending oneself.
 

Starry

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I wonder what would be the ENFP issue analogous to doorslamming and overextending oneself.

I don't want to take away from the purpose of this thread but I do want to answer because I have been verbal here...AND...because while I'm not a big 'door slammer'...what I do in similar situations is no better.

I really, really try to not to do this...but I just manipulate my way out of the relationship.

I believe difference is that when you manipulate your way out...the other person doesn't 'get' that there are any hard feelings. The doorslam is so sudden (perceived as so). But the manipulating your way out takes a little while. But it doesn't feel like it because I have already 'checked-out' in my mind. I just put on the auto-pilot charm...and I don't ever feel anyone is the wiser. Terrible I know.
 

Quiet

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I've doorslammed four people in my forty years. One of them I let come back though not in the same capacity they once held. All of them committed major boundary violations -- sometimes over the course of many years. Eventually, there was an event that showed me, under no uncertain terms, that I could make excuses for their behavior no more, that the relationship was damaging to me and not helping them in any significant way.

I am so prone to codependent behavior, that it is very difficult for me to stay in a relationship where I have been an enabler without continuing to engage in enabling behaviors. I'm working at not creating new co-dependent relationships, but it is so ingrained in my nature to ignore my own feelings for the benefit of others and to tolerate boundary violations to avoid conflict and rejection, that for me, it has been a healthy step to be able to say "No. You don't get to keep doing that to me." To stay in a co-dependent relationship while trying to become less co-dependent would be like an alcoholic trying to recover from alcoholism while while working as a bar tender. Yeah, it would be great if I was that self-actualized, but I'm just not.

Seriously, if somebody gets doorslammed by me, I have bent over backwards and twisted myself up like a pretzel in hopes of being able to make things work. I know I sound like a stone-cold bitch, but I'm very loyal, accepting, and give people the benefit of the doubt well beyond the point where most people would. It's not any kind a virtue, it's just something I can't seem to help doing.

The difference between me and what you might consider normal is that I don't speak up as soon as I should, that I don't speak up as loudly as I should, and that when I make a decision to end a relationship it appears extremely abrupt and I often stick with that decision more rigidly than another type might.

Looking back at my own doorslamming experiences, I think what I've learned is how to recognize and avoid someone I should not enter into a relationship with. I'm also learning how to say no to doing things for or with people when I don't have the time, money, or energy to do them or maybe when I just don't want to or don't feel like it -- because those are valid reasons, too. As I learn to do that, I believe that doorslamming will become unnecessary behavior because my relationships will not get in that condition.

It seems like people want to focus on, what to me, is the wrong end of the problem. They want to invalidate the decision to end a relationship, when often the relationship should never have begun or the relationship has been allowed to go on too long or too dysfunctionally. It's this tendency toward invalidating ourselves and considering our own feelings and desires less valid than those of others that create this situation, more often than not. So further invalidation is not the solution, IMO.


Agreed.
 

mochajava

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cafe Seriously, if somebody gets doorslammed by me, I have bent over backwards and twisted myself up like a pretzel in hopes of being able to make things work. I know I sound like a stone-cold bitch, but I'm very loyal, accepting, and give people the benefit of the doubt well beyond the point where most people would. It's not any kind a virtue, it's just something I can't seem to help doing.
So true -- I agree with Cafe. It's not something done haphazardly or lightly; it's very much a last resort.

SilkRoad All this applies to me to a large extent, and probably to many/most INFJs. Are most of us basically co-dependent, do you think? (not asking this in a sarcastic way...really want to know.)
I exhibit some of those tendencies... working on it now though.

fidelia When I learned to do that less, I found that people felt more secure, acted less entitled and were more appreciative of my efforts. I was also better able to keep my word without overextending myself.
Fidelia always gives excellent and incredibly level-headed advice. I suppose drawing healthy, strong boundaries in the beginning goes against the INFJ nature a bit, the payoff described here (in the quote) seems well worth it.
 
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1487610420

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So true -- I agree with Cafe. It's not something done haphazardly or lightly; it's very much a last resort.

I exhibit some of those tendencies... working on it now though.

Fidelia always gives excellent and incredibly level-headed advice. I suppose drawing healthy, strong boundaries in the beginning goes against the INFJ nature a bit, the payoff described here (in the quote) seems well worth it.

How so? :huh:
From my understanding, when interacting with an INFJ, there are four-gazzillion-and-a-half-layers-of-access plus the hellspawn hounds and lazer-death-rays, which can take five-and-three-quarter Aeons to ever cross, so how does it go agains the nature? :thinking:
Seems to me there's no need to add anything, since it's all already there.:rolleyes2:
 

cafe

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How so? :huh:
From my understanding, when interacting with an INFJ, there are four-gazzillion-and-a-half-layers-of-access plus the hellspawn hounds and lazer-death-rays, which can take five-and-three-quarter Aeons to ever cross, so how does it go agains the nature? :thinking:
Seems to me there's no need to add anything, since it's all already there.:rolleyes2:
Just because we have trouble letting others be our friends doesn't mean we don't consider ourselves their friends and try to be good friends to them and allow ourselves to be manipulated in the process. It's really wonky and dysfunctional, I know. Fear of rejection I think.
 

Vasilisa

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Seems to me there's no need to add anything, since it's all already there.:rolleyes2:

There is something to this. At least for me. How much more guarded must I be? And for what benefit? Am I going to turn myself into the hardhearted people that I don't like? There is something beautiful about just being open with another person, that doesn't come necessarily easily to me. But when I can do it, it is so much relief from all the hesitation and weighing of options and meanings and symbols and language, along with the difficulty externalizing all that. Enlightening almost.

I listened to a discussion about Britain's nuclear armed submarines and how inside each there is a safe, and inside that safe is another safe, and inside that safe is an envelope, and inside that a handwritten letter from the PM giving the order to carry out or not carry out a retaliatory nuclear strike if Britain is annihilated. And someone asked what was the purpose of this. And someone speculated that it allows two conflicting truths to exist at the same time. 1) enemies assume it says we will react in kind no matter our own annihilation, they mustn't dare to think otherwise. 2) what is the use of killing so many innocents when our whole country with all its innocent people have already been exterminated, don't bother.

So I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

I know this may seem perfectly random. I am just speculating on myself right now. Just wondering how to find the real truth of myself and make it something less guarded, not more.
 

1487610420

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Just because we have trouble letting others be our friends doesn't mean we don't consider ourselves their friends and try to be good friends to them and allow ourselves to be manipulated in the process. It's really wonky and dysfunctional, I know. Fear of rejection I think.
:huh::confused::thinking::unsure::wacko: :thumbdown: :smiley_violin::boohoo::popc1:
 

Tigerlily

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:huh::confused::thinking::unsure::wacko: :thumbdown: :smiley_violin::boohoo::popc1:
If you are indeed an ENTP, you shouldn't have any problems interacting with an INFJ. ;P From my experience, thinkers do best with INFJ's. I was mostly single until I met my husband when I was 28. I "dated" occasionally and had one serious bf but he and I were not meant to be. iow, I never let anyone get too close to me.
 

1487610420

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There is something to this. At least for me. How much more guarded must I be? And for what benefit? Am I going to turn myself into the hardhearted people that I don't like? There is something beautiful about just being open with another person, that doesn't come necessarily easily to me. But when I can do it, it is so much relief from all the hesitation and weighing of options and meanings and symbols and language, along with the difficulty externalizing all that. Enlightening almost.

I listened to a discussion about Britain's nuclear armed submarines and how inside each there is a safe, and inside that safe is another safe, and inside that safe is an envelope, and inside that a handwritten letter from the PM giving the order to carry out or not carry out a retaliatory nuclear strike if Britain is annihilated. And someone asked what was the purpose of this. And someone speculated that it allows two conflicting truths to exist at the same time. 1) enemies assume it says we will react in kind no matter our own annihilation, they mustn't dare to think otherwise. 2) what is the use of killing so many innocents when our whole country with all its innocent people have already been exterminated, don't bother.

So I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

I know this may seem perfectly random. I am just speculating on myself right now. Just wondering how to find the real truth of myself and make it something less guarded, not more.

I've recently doorslamed an INFJ. I actually tried to revert it mid-term only to face the truth I already knew, the other person was at a different development stage and priority context that everything I emmited was filtered to match only whichever mental concepts existed. So the only thing to do was fool myself while cattering to others wishlist or thinking that it would not be doomed to end badly sooner then later or put an end to it. It wasn't so abrut, because there was [too]often on my part many previous atempts to address this, but I was hitting a dead woman with a stick(is that how you write it?), and I finally droped a cold Ti "we should put an end to this" before cutting out contact. Due to the context, I still imagine that future contact may be possible, after some changes occur, weither development according to my view or probably after she finds another emmotional clutch to be able to face me (it has happened in the past).

From my experience and other's feedback back, my assessment is that it [doorslam] exists much like every other option and decision we make does at each moment in life: it's what we are capable of and choose to. And we do so and live to learn more. Maybe someday we'll have a different, more enlightned answer.



If you are indeed an ENTP, you shouldn't have any problems interacting with an INFJ. ;P
Who says I have problems? :popc1:
 
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