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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

Fidelia

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I think the reason that we are very unlikely to rethink the original purpose/process by which we made the decision is that it was slowly and painstakingly made in most cases. Ni and Ti both tend to check and recheck each other's results, so when you finally arrive at a conclusion, it is because all information has been considered, and the reasoning carefully thought out and defined. Therefore, it usually is only new information coming to light that would change our response, not questioning the way we originally arrived at that conclusion.

In the case of immature or insecure reactionary doorslamming, this is perhaps regrettable, but if we're not talking about that, I don't see what the problem is with deciding where you are best to invest your trust and emotional resources with the most safety or return. My problem is usually not drawing that line quickly enough, rather than being overly hasty.
 

Z Buck McFate

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In other words, I hear INFJs talk about if the offending party has changed they'd reconsider. But I don't hear anything about the INFJ re-examining their reasoning. This seems to be the last resort for a lot of INFJs. Which perhaps gives them their continuity, but it does so at the expense of re-evaluating their reasoning.

There are some things posted recently that I may or may not get back to- but I want to hit this quickly. I can't speak for others- but I live in a perpetual state of re-examining my reasoning. No one hears about it because it's all internal, it's incredibly difficult to extravert more often than not- so I usually only share that which I've put a great deal of thought into. If I'm sharing my reasoning, it usually means I've already re-examined the shit out of it. And while it's true it doesn't change easily- there's very little of my reasoning that doesn't remain subject to change with the right information.



I prove myself an idiot everyday. If I didn't regularly re-evaluate my reasoning... well, it would be ugly. At what point does an INFJ say, "Oh shit, I screwed up royally."

This is a serious and humble question.

Again- just speaking for myself- I say it pretty much every time I screw up royally.


It's occurred to me before, when reading this thread, that a lot of the INFJs responding within this thread seem to fall in the more responsible or mature category- and as a result, it may seem like "INFJs" are not owning up to how the doorslam can negatively affect others. I'm not going to deny that some INFJs are too prideful, insecure and/or immature to clear up misunderstandings responsibly, and will hurt someone else's feelings before taking the chance of making themselves look bad. Every type has its bad apples. Thing is- those aren't the INFJs' answers anyone is going to find here because, well, the ones who behave that way aren't going to be willing to either look at it or be upfront about it.

I've known a couple of them. One of them was in the habit of changing her phone number about once a year, precisely because doorslamming and avoidant behavior was her primary way of coping with conflict. Also: you'll never find her posting her experiences in an INFJ doorslam thread because she'll never be willing to look so directly at how a coping mechanism she's become dependant on actually affects other people.

So yeah- they're out there- some immature INFJs who might benefit from figuring out some of the pitfalls esoteric has described in this thread. Are they going to show up and start yelling TESTIMONY!, having seen the light from esoteric's posts? No. Because they have to want to stop first- you can't take away someone's primary coping mechanism by simply objectively pointing out what it is.

So anyway, this is why this thread mostly has INFJs claiming the more necessary and justified doorslam here- the ones who do it without putting a *lot* of thought into it just won't be posting here.
 

cafe

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I generally agonize and re-examine for years, both before and after decisions like this. I'm highly prone to co-dependency and enabling. I agonize over little stuff, feeling responsible for things that I have no control over and no responsibility for. Sometimes enough is enough. And sometimes I can just plain see it coming and I'm not going to step in the quicksand. I don't have to act for the greater good. I'm responsible, first and foremost, to and for myself and to the best interest of my family. The other stuff is not an obligation and should be pleasurable and symbiotic, not a tar baby of obligation. I've been down the road of letting others make me feel guilty and and responsible for their well-being. It did me much harm and them little or no good. The tee shirt at the end of that Been There, Done That is a straight jacket. No way I'm putting that MoFo on for anybody.
 

Ivy

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I generally agonize and re-examine for years, both before and after decisions like this. I'm highly prone to co-dependency and enabling. I agonize over little stuff, feeling responsible for things that I have no control over and no responsibility for. Sometimes enough is enough. And sometimes I can just plain see it coming and I'm not going to step in the quicksand. I don't have to act for the greater good. I'm responsible, first and foremost, to and for myself and to the best interest of my family. The other stuff is not an obligation and should be pleasurable and symbiotic, not a tar baby of obligation. I've been down the road of letting others make me feel guilty and and responsible for their well-being. It did me much harm and them little or no good. The tee shirt at the end of that Been There, Done That is a straight jacket. No way I'm putting that MoFo on for anybody.

Yep, all of this. Especially the bolded parts. Although I really wanted to bold the whole thing.

Z Buck's is a great post as well. I think the gist of all these good points is that typically, an introvert is going to have mulled things over a LOT, maybe too much. And an F is probably going to have tried to work things out without conflict or cutting ties. Hastily slamming the door and saying "GOOD DAY SIR!" is not typical introvert behavior IME. I know I don't like the taste of crow so I take great pains not to have to eat much of it. Which is why this really only happens when I'm very, very sure it's the right thing to do.
 

Fidelia

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I agree with Ivy. I'd also say that it is healthy to practice enough self-care to make sure that you still have a margin of emotional energy, time, money, physical energy etc. If one person in your life, whom you are not responsible for is consistently sapping those resources, you do not have anything left to give either that relationship or other ones. By drawing those boundaries and consistently enforcing them, others learn how to treat you, you are giving consistent verbal and non-verbal messages and occasionally the only way to do that is to distance yourself from the person if they continue to try to encroach on those appropriate boundaries.
 

Ivy

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BTW, it just occurred to me that I've experienced this from the other side, too: my college roommate, a likely INFJ, doorslammed me big time. She wasn't in a good place emotionally, and I wasn't being very considerate of that. Every year or two after that I tried to find her and apologize to her, but she either never got the messages or didn't respond to them. A year or two ago SHE friended ME on Facebook, and I was finally able to apologize, though she graciously insisted I didn't need to. (I did.)
 

cafe

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I, too, think I have been doorslammed by an INFJ. I love this INFJ. She is a wonderful person and I hope, someday, to be a little bit like her. I admire her so much. If I could have picked my mother from a catalog when I was a fetus, I would have picked her.

I also know that I hurt her. I didn't mean to hurt her, but I was thrashing around and didn't quite know how to extricate myself from an unsuitable situation without distancing myself from her. My lack of responsiveness caused her pain and she stopped contacting me.

I don't blame her. She did what was right to protect herself. I hope one day to be reconciled with her, but if that doesn't happen, I just love knowing that there is someone like her on this planet doing good and being amazing.
 

Random Ness

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I've been doorslammed by the opposite of an INFJ, an ESTP, actually. Rather abruptly and rudely. But that guy wasn't very mature, unfortunately, and also avoided anything having to do with facing his negative emotions (enneagram 7...sigh.). I really dislike immature doorslammers... :(
 

Esoteric Wench

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I will say that I made the comment earlier that INFJs are more likely to doorslam than any other type.

Upon reflection, I must call myself on my own bullsh*t.

INTPs can tend to doorslam. So can ISTJs. There are several types who doorslam.

However, INFJs tend to doorslam in a way that I completely get.
Thus, it is a very powerful operator in my life. In other words, I know why the INFJ is doorslamming. I fully understand that they are doorslamming. And, I am willing to accommodate their J ways (insert coyly evil grin here) to accommodate their doorslamming... up to a point.

So I think I was incorrect in stating that they are more prone to doorslamming that any other type. But I do think they are more prone to doorslamming than any other xNFx type.
 

cafe

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The thing is, you don't get to not accommodate a doorslam. It is almost like you think you have the right to get a crowbar and pry the damn door open if you don't approve of it being shut. I don't really think it works that way.
 

Arclight

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I will say that I made the comment earlier that INFJs are more likely to doorslam than any other type.

Upon reflection, I must call myself on my own bullsh*t.

INTPs can tend to doorslam. So can ISTJs. There are several types who doorslam.

However, INFJs tend to doorslam in a way that I completely get.
Thus, it is a very powerful operator in my life. In other words, I know why the INFJ is doorslamming. I fully understand that they are doorslamming. And, I am willing to accommodate their J ways (insert coyly evil grin here) to accommodate their doorslamming... up to a point.

So I think I was incorrect in stating that they are more prone to doorslamming that any other type. But I do think they are more prone to doorslamming than any other xNFx type.

I would not even be so sure of that anymore.
I think all of this is being sensationalized a little by a catchphrase.
I examine my own life.. and I am aware of cutting all sorts of people out of my life and not giving them a choice in the matter. I called it Xing people, but how is it any different?. Realizing this as well as recently digging in my heels concerning my ex wife, say to me.. I am no different, maybe just not as intense as some about it.
I think everybody does this on some level.. Maybe it just sucks a little more if the feelings were deeper??.
Maybe it just hurts EW, but you can't say all INFJs would be like that. It hurts because you care about this person. :(
Someone told me recently enough, to "look at what you are being loyal to.
You are trying to save a ship from sinking and he bailed on you a long time ago".
I would like to give that thought to you, because I think you are charming and intelligent and you deserve some relief in all of this. :hug:
 

Starry

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The thing is, you don't get to not accommodate a doorslam. It is almost like you think you have the right to get a crowbar and pry the damn door open if you don't approve of it being shut. I don't really think it works that way.

That's weird...because I can think of several ways to 'accommodate' a doorslam. I can accommodate one by not dragging the doorslammer's name through the mud. Not publically & privately belittling the person. Not confronting the individual and calling them a coward or an ass or whatever horrid names I could come up with.

Yah...I could probably accommodate a doorslam by just letting the door shut and leaving it be. What a nice way to accommodate one. Why would anyone...I mean really...care to pry the door back open?
 
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cafe

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That's weird...because I can think of several ways to 'accommodate' a doorslam. I can accommodate one by not dragging the doorslammer's name through the mud. Not publically & privately belittling the person. Not confronting the individual and calling them a coward or an ass or whatever horrid names I could come up with.

Yah...I could probably accommodate a doorslam by just letting the door shut and leaving it be. What a nice way to accommodate one. Why would anyone...I mean really...care to pry the door back open?
Maybe it's just a matter of semantics. I would call that acceptance or respect or common courtesy rather than accommodation. Accommodation implies that you are going out of your way to in order to satisfy someone's excessive needs or unreasonable wants, like condescending to do someone a favor.
 

PeaceBaby

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The thing is, you don't get to not accommodate a doorslam. It is almost like you think you have the right to get a crowbar and pry the damn door open if you don't approve of it being shut. I don't really think it works that way.

Respectfully, I think what's difficult for the recipient of the door-slam to accept is that the door-slammer has taken over total control of the relationship at that point. There will be no further interactions, there will be no resolution, there will be no peace treaty, there will be no closure.

Some people might even feel like the door-slammer thinks they're better than the person getting door-slammed, you know? As though the door-slammer is saying, "You are beneath me, not worth my time." Kind of devaluing them as a human being.

Personally I am not saying that; I'm only providing a view to what it perhaps looks like being on the receiving end. My intent is not to pass any value judgements.
 

Starry

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Maybe it's just a matter of semantics. I would call that acceptance or respect or common courtesy rather than accommodation. Accommodation implies that you are going out of your way to in order to satisfy someone's excessive needs or unreasonable wants, like condescending to do someone a favor.

I think you are right because I was thinking of accommodation as merely supporting. As in...not working against.
 

mysavior

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Has it been said yet in this thread?

The approach: passive-aggressive.
 

cafe

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Respectfully, I think what's difficult for the recipient of the door-slam to accept is that the door-slammer has taken over total control of the relationship at that point. There will be no further interactions, there will be no resolution, there will be no peace treaty, there will be no closure.

Some people might even feel like the door-slammer thinks they're better than the person getting door-slammed, you know? As though the door-slammer is saying, "You are beneath me, not worth my time." Kind of devaluing them as a human being.

Personally I am not saying that; I'm only providing a view to what it perhaps looks like being on the receiving end. My intent is not to pass any value judgements.
I can see how it would feel that way and I'm not saying it's fair or that it doesn't stink, but it's just how things are. Relationships have absolutely got to be by mutual consent. Once one person withdraws consent it's just over whether the other person likes it or not. If someone is devaluing you as a human being, you can't make them value you by coercing them to interact with you. You can request and you can invite, but ultimately there isn't anything else that can be done that won't either drive the person further away or emotionally blackmail them into maintaining some mockery of a relationship solely for the other person's benefit. I don't think that's what anybody wants.
 

cafe

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Has it been said yet in this thread?

The approach: passive-aggressive.
So what is a non-passive-aggressive way to end a relationship you no longer want to participate in, or is that just not an option?
 

Moiety

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Yeah, I don't think this is a problems for people interacting (or not, not anymore) with the INFJ (since they proved their worth by doorslamming ya) but for the INFJ him/herself and maybe not learning from the experience as much as they could and understanding just how accurate their character assessment or good judgement is.
 

Moiety

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Yeah, I don't think this is a problems for people interacting (or not, not anymore) with the INFJ (since they proved their worth by doorslamming ya) but for the INFJ him/herself and maybe not learning from the experience as much as they could and understanding just how accurate their character assessment or good judgement is.
 
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