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[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

Tradewind

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I did not read this whole thread but I did read most of it. I think the controversy arises from how severe people perceive a 'doorslam' to be. I know most INFJs don't go about this lightly but a doorslam is still pretty harsh. I have done this in the past but I did not know how psychologically taxing it can be on the other person.

Ancient societies including the Amish would shun undesirables. This would cause the person to slowly start to doubt if they existed and then they would just succumb to depression and die. This is taken to to nth degree but you see my point. Cutting someone out of your life hints at the above. Here's a link that describes some of the effects:

Shunning - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
 

Aquarelle

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I think I've only cut someone out of my life completely maybe once or twice - one was an ex boyfriend and one was an acquaintance who was well on his way to becoming a stalker. That time I took advantage of a move - change of address, phone number, everything.

Other than those people, I actually tend to be the opposite. Anyone I've ever had a strong connection with, I still have a soft spot for and want them in my life, if only peripherally. Facebook is great for this - I'm friends with most of my exes and a lot of old friends (like from childhood). In this way we can maintain contact and exchange the occasional word or two, but it's not too taxing on my introverted nature and doesn't cut into the time I carve out for being alone or spending with those REALLy close to me.
 

Tradewind

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I forgot to say something in my last post. I'm pretty sure this has been said but here goes. Just to reiterate what I think other INFJs might be going through.

One of the main reasons I would doorslam someone would be because I can no longer remain objective. I can no longer compartmentalize my life or remain productive. I start to obsess and overanalyze everything about the relationship. Sometimes I go from when I met the person to the present. If I am deeply hurt and cannot maintain appearances then I start to disconnect. Usually its more to protect the other person from getting more hurt and also so I can cool down. This helps me sort it all out and start repairing so I can reconnect with others.
 

lalangela

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I completely agree with tradewind. It's the main reason I just doorslammed an ISTP last week. It was getting to the point that it took me hours to fall asleep because I would be going over everything that happened between us. It's becoming a deep obsession, and I can longer identify the basis for why I'm still thinking about it two months later. Friends are concerned about my blank expression these days. It's not so much to save the other person but to avoid all the conflict that could occur if I were to confront the situation. I know the ISTP thinks very different and we won't be able to reach a conclusion together. In any case, he's already stopped trying to figure out why I've door slammed him and quietly accepted it. I'm waiting for when I'll be distracted by life so I'll gradually forget about everything.
 

angell_m

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I doorslammed my parents several years ago, havent spoken with them since. And I've doorslammed friends I don't really care about (I think I only have three or four real close friends, and the rest of them are just there, I wouldn't even hesitate to doorslam them). It's much easier to doorslam than get angry, upset, sad, melting in uncomfortable feelings.

Why is this considered an INFJ thing?
 

Arclight

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I doorslammed my parents several years ago, havent spoken with them since. And I've doorslammed friends I don't really care about (I think I only have three or four real close friends, and the rest of them are just there, I wouldn't even hesitate to doorslam them). It's much easier to doorslam than get angry, upset, sad, melting in uncomfortable feelings.

Why is this considered an INFJ thing?

It's not. I am sure others use it too. INFJs just seem to use it more frequently.

I doorslammed both my of Sisters for years. Both of them put my actual life in danger (different incidents) , it wasn't emotional hurt.

When it comes to hurt. People act out of character.. emotional pain is equal to temporary insanity.
I try my best not to judge people on those moments. I would never doorslam someone I care about who is hurting no matter how much they hurt me. It's the motivation behind the doorslam that INFJs seem to use that is confounding to a lot of other people. It seems to go against everything INFJs claim to believe in.
 

21%

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There's a concept called NC (No Contact), in which you cut off contact with your ex after the end of the relationship in order for both of you to heal and move on. Most of the time this is necessary at the end of every relationship. It's like getting off an addiction. You need to completely stay away from the drug until you heal. This is not 'doorslamming'.

When you stop putting effort into a relationship and start to 'drift apart', it's not 'doorslamming' either.

In my understanding, a doorslam means you don't ever wish to have anything to do with the person again in your life. You consciously shut them out and stop acknowledging their existence. It's harsh, and it's cruel, and should only be used as a last resort. I find it a bit worrying that a lot of people are starting to view it as one of the normal options when dealing with relationships and start to say things like "Oh, this person bothered me today so I just doorslammed them." :shock: It's really not something to be proud of!
 

mochajava

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We all have different ways of dealing with stress. There are 3 main types of strategies:

1. Moving TO other people: Clinging onto others, becoming dependent on them for emotional support, etc.

2. Moving AWAY from other people: Avoiding other people.

3. Moving AGAINST other people: Aggressiveness, fighting, breaking rules.


INFJs would all most likely have tendency to use #2.

... RA training ftw!

This is helpful. What on here seems healthy? I definitely do a lot of #2, so then people assume I'm always chipper and problem-free (because when I'm sad, I've usually retreated, then come out when I'm okay again).
 

Emerald Rain

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I agree that the doorslam is the last resort for us INFJs.
I prefer to be alone and I'm very selective of letting people into my life. Letting them in means I've already figured them out (no matter how wrong that image might be), and when their personality changes, I usually back off and try the friendship process from step 1, given that they are worth the bother. Most of my slamming happens at this stage. Sometimes their new image becomes too foreign and unpleasant for me to handle, so I let them go. Usually for me, if I slammed the mahogany door, they probably deserved it, or worse yet, they've invaded my privacy somehow.




If I slammed you-

-Give me space.
-Stay out my way,
-Wait till my mind is preoccupied with something else. Which will eventually happen.


This can be seen as selfish but it's really not. For me it's like-
-I am insignificant, so are you.
-Doesn't matter what I do, you'll be just fine.
-You don't need my support and validation.
last two facts you already because I've made it quite apparent at the beginning of our friendship.






Wow, this post doesn't make any sense at all :blink:
 

Emerald Rain

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I wrote that after staying awake for more than 24 hours, so ignoring the post would be wise lol.
 

Horrible Aesthete

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First off, I have to admit that it is an indescribable relief to learn that there are others like me who do this same thing. I tend to do the old doorslam on occasion, more so in my youth, and agree that it is incredibly immature. I am quite a bit older now, 36, and have a great deal more perspective. Thus, I do this with increasing infrequency. That said, I feel that I could still resort to this in times of great distress or feelings of constriction or emotional blackmail.

I generally did/do the doorslam for two reasons; a) the person has offended my sense of propriety to such a degree that I have no further use for them, or, more commonly, b) I wish to end a relationship without going through the messiness of actually confronting the person. I never feel guilty about the first reason. I did this to my own grandmother, because she was cruel and insane and I had absolutely nothing to gain from knowing her, and I knew that she would not change. I do not feel that this is an immature decision. It is from reason b) that I derive most of my guilt.

While nothing can excuse coldly cutting someone out of your life without informing them as to the reason, especially someone who cares for and loves you (and I would not try to excuse it), it does make a sort of sense where INFJs are concerned. For one thing, we want to please, and are incredibly averse to conflict. We are afraid that the person will blame us, and that her or his happiness depends on us. We wish to forgo any ugly scene that may transpire should we be called out. I have ceased doing the doorslam for relationships, and now attempt to at least inform the person. This rarely goes well, either, and seems to come out of the blue. but it is better than nothing. It would be difficult to convey to another type just how hard this is; the level of discomfort and anxiety involved. It is like pulling your skin off with your fingers. It feels like you want to die, right there, and that you probably would if it were possible and easily accessible. Far easier than dealing with it.

The fact is that, for us at least, it does not come out of the blue. So much of this is carried out within our own minds, over and over. I think that we often assume that the other person must somehow know. How could they not? (we think to ourselves). I realize that this is wholly unfair, and I am not attempting to justify, mind you, just describing how it is. It is more difficult still if there is intense emotion involved. In my case, I often become involved with people who are clingy, overly emotional, and quick to blame. It is so difficult for us to communicate how we feel, and equally difficult to imagine hurting someone who cares for us, no matter the reason. It is why we delay things of this nature for so long.

Once again, I am not attempting to rationalize this sort of thing, and think that it is quite immature and not something that we should simply excuse. Of course, if it is deserved, as in someone becoming cruel or harmful, then that is another story. Not everyone deserves an explanation, or a second chance.
 

SecondBest

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What if you closed the door on someone you only knew on a limited basis and you honestly didn't think would care if you left and thought that person was avoiding you in the first place? Would you consider that wrong?

Like say you liked this person, but she didn't seem interested. And eventually, because you felt you were too attached in an unhealthy way, you closed the door? Would I be in the wrong for walking away?
 
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Horrible Aesthete

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What if you closed the door on someone you only knew on a limited basis and you honestly didn't think would care if you left and thought that person was avoiding you in the first place? Would you consider that wrong?

Like say you liked this person, but she didn't seem interested. And eventually, because you felt you were too attached in an unhealthy way, you closed the door? Would I be in the wrong for walking away?

I do not think that is quite the same thing. If the other person is not interested in knowing you, for whatever reason, then you can hardly shut her or him out of your life. I do think, in the case you mention, if the person is indeed avoiding you, that shutting off contact with this person and gaining some emotional distance and perspective would be an enormously healthy thing to do. If you are right, and this person is indeed indifferent to you (or avoiding you, even), you cannot but benefit from a breather, perhaps forever. If on the other hand, you are mistaken, the other individual still has ample opportunity to seek you out.
 

SecondBest

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I do not think that is quite the same thing. If the other person is not interested in knowing you, for whatever reason, then you can hardly shut her or him out of your life. I do think, in the case you mention, if the person is indeed avoiding you, that shutting off contact with this person and gaining some emotional distance and perspective would be an enormously healthy thing to do. If you are right, and this person is indeed indifferent to you (or avoiding you, even), you cannot but benefit from a breather, perhaps forever. If on the other hand, you are mistaken, the other individual still has ample opportunity to seek you out.

Thanks. Sorry for posting something a bit off-topic, but your previous post just triggered that thought for me. The trouble is though that if I am indeed mistaken about her distancing herself from me, there is no way she could seek me out.
 

Horrible Aesthete

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Thanks. Sorry for posting something a bit off-topic, but your previous post just triggered that thought for me. The trouble is though that if I am indeed mistaken about her distancing herself from me, there is no way she could seek me out.

I suppose the thing to do is to assess the situation as best you can. Do you have any sort of contact with her? If so, perhaps you could nonchalantly ask to friend her on Facebook, or something similar. If, on the other hand, you are fairly certain that she is not interested in maintaining even that degree of contact, then your decision should be easy.
 

Ivy

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Wow, I somehow missed this thread all these months. I don't know if I am INFJ but I have doorslammed a handful of times. Typically it is when I have come to the conclusion that the other person and I are simply incompatible. They're mac, I'm PC. We just don't work together, and it is exhausting my emotional reserves (which are not bottomless) to continue trying. Not necessarily that they are bad, evil people whom I hate.

I think the thing Esoteric Wench was missing in her analysis is that the INFJ, once they have decided to doorslam, probably won't reconsider based on the hurt feelings of the other person. They are typically in the position of having to doorslam because they have already been spending too much energy considering the other person's feelings.
 

mochajava

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Horrible Aesthete:
I have ceased doing the doorslam for relationships, and now attempt to at least inform the person. This rarely goes well, either, and seems to come out of the blue. but it is better than nothing. It would be difficult to convey to another type just how hard this is; the level of discomfort and anxiety involved. It is like pulling your skin off with your fingers. It feels like you want to die, right there, and that you probably would if it were possible and easily accessible. Far easier than dealing with it.


The fact is that, for us at least, it does not come out of the blue. So much of this is carried out within our own minds, over and over. I think that we often assume that the other person must somehow know. How could they not? (we think to ourselves). I realize that this is wholly unfair, and I am not attempting to justify, mind you, just describing how it is. It is more difficult still if there is intense emotion involved.
Well-said. Also, since the more mature solution rarely garners a positive response, it's hard to discipline yourself into doing it!

Ivy:
They're mac, I'm PC.
I smiled at this analogy. It's so incredibly apt.
 

Esoteric Wench

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I think the thing Esoteric Wench was missing in her analysis is that the INFJ, once they have decided to doorslam, probably won't reconsider based on the hurt feelings of the other person. They are typically in the position of having to doorslam because they have already been spending too much energy considering the other person's feelings.

Ivy, I know it's been a long time since you posted this, but I just came across it. Very interesting. I don't think I would have understood what you meant here even two months ago. But now I think I do understand. You bring up an excellent point.

There is a self-protection aspect going on here. I think that I achieved an entirely new level of understanding of doorslamming when I began to better understand my Fi and how it operates in my psyche.

In the past, my hurt Fi has caused me to shut people out for finite periods. When Fi is hurt, it becomes deeply hurt. I'm highly motivated to protect it. I sort of feel like I'm compelled to shore up my defenses. And, if the offending party tries to approach me, all I want to do is either avoid them or hold them at arms length. More importantly, it is VERY uncomfortable for me to consciously reflect on my hurt Fi. It feels like to do so would be jumping over the precipice. In other words, if I start hashing through the muck of my Fi, then I'll drown in it. So I have a tendency (which I sometimes take too far) to avoid dealing with painful, overwhelming Fi stuff. <--- This is my biggest personal challenge right now. And, I'm working on ways to overcome it / work through it.

This insight into my own struggles re: dealing with my own emotional overwhelm-ment, has helped me see how an INFJ could feel relief after doorslamming someone. Not so much because they are trying to hurt someone (though doing so might hurt someone), but because they are trying to save themselves and have decided that they cannot / will not get bogged down in their Fe connections with the doorslammee. I bet it'd be akin to pulling themselves out of the flotsam and jetsam of their NiFe loop. A survival technique. (Not all doorslamming would fall into this category, but a lot of doorslams would.)

^^^^^
Any INFJs want to comment on this? Does this ring true?

Also, something that has not been discussed on this thread in many moons is that if an INFJ has doorslammed you for the above reasons, then do any INFJs have any suggestions on how the doorslammee might approach the INFJ in the future. Or how they have worked through their doorslamming tendencies and have reached out to someone previously doorslammed?
 
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