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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #941
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lexicon View Post
    Dude.. your circumstances are sad and all, but- forgive me if my bluntness seems abrasive- no one "got" you pregnant. You chose to fuck a guy, and either your contraception failed, or you didn't use any. It's not like he just ran up behind you, yelled SURPRISE!, injected you with semen, & ran away. Have some personal accountability for who and what you choose to put in your pants.


    His behavior doesn't sound necessarily like an INFJ cliche doorslam thing.. it goes above and beyond simple cutting off, when all that garbage is involved. Ultimately, it just kinda sounds like an unstable, irresponsible asshole, regardless of type. There's no simpler way to put it, and absolutely no excuse for his actions. Whether the cancer thing is true or not, how he chooses to allow that to affect his behavior toward others is on him, 100%. It sucks not to have that kind of support from someone you cared about, and are now going to be geneticallly linked to, forever. I'm sorry you have to deal with that in tandem with all the craziness that comes with just being pregnant. I won't pretend to know how overwhelming that must feel for you, moment to moment. I hope you have friends and family around for you.

    And speaking of that genetic link.. your financial woes may end once the child is born. If you truly are that financially destitute.. Get on public assistance/Medicaid, if you live in the US. ASAP. Being on such public assistance programs is your gateway to getting many court fees waived in things like paternity testing & filing for things like child support. If he won't take responsibility, then make him. Even if he bails on it for years, it'll catch up to him eventually. And public assistance is there to help you help yourself. And your child. So get on your feet, and deal with the situation. Try to make a stable life for yourself and your kid. Use the help that is available to you, the best you can. I don't imagine you'd ideally want to go through all of that legal shit- who does- but especially when the welfare of another life is involved, you might as well push on, and be prepared for the worst [if he just never comes around/owns up to his part], so that once the child is born, you can focus mostly on caring for it, vs just struggling to pay your rent/live day to day, & frantically rifling through documents & just starting the legal processing crap from there.

    Not telling you what to do- just making you aware of options available to you to potentially lighten some of your burden.

    I wish you luck.
    Thank you Lexicon :-) did not mean to play the victim card, but there is a lot I left out of the story. Of course I do accept my share of responsibility, and I did not mean to imply that this behavior (other than the door slam) is typical INFJ behavior. I suspect that he is caught in an unhealthy pattern of life. As far as my finances go (a completely different story...) I was laid off from my job when I was six months pregnant. My boss didn't like how big my belly was getting, and he gradually decreased my days from 5 to 1 to none -- so I didn't have the time/means to save as I had originally planned. I dislike telling you this because it seems like I'm playing the victim card again. Mostly it just feels like I'm walking under an unlucky cloud at the moment. I did file a complaint with the HRC, it will just take several months to process. Anyway, I am taking advantage of the resources available to me, and I am blessed to have good friends and neighbors who know me well and support my decision. Thanks for the good luck and wishes, the compassion, and the good advice. Thanks for helping to lighten the burden... :-)

  2. #942
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    Get on the pill if you don't want to get pregnant.
    Conversely, I don't want to hear any guy whine about being trapped into fatherhood - put on a condom.

    This isn't a type issue, it's merely blaming someone else for your own dereliction.
    Take responsibility for your actions. It takes two to tango.
    Jaguar my friend, I think you have entirely missed the mark on this one...not sure if I made myself clear. I am keeping the baby, and I WANT to keep him. I was complaining about someone's -- who just so happens to be an INFJ -- reaction and how it has impacted me in this particular situation. Any other complaining I might have done about stress was in reference to common pregancy symptoms, but not about the bigger picture/idea of being pregnant itself. Thank you for your feedback though, and good luck to you.

  3. #943
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    Quote Originally Posted by LazerRedDive View Post
    Jaguar my friend, I think you have entirely missed the mark on this one...not sure if I made myself clear. I am keeping the baby, and I WANT to keep him. I was not complaining about being pregnant. I was complaining about someone's -- who just so happens to be an INFJ -- reaction and how it has impacted me in this particular situation. Thank you for your feedback and good luck to you.

    I have been door slammed by an INFJ who got me pregnant!!
    "Who got me pregnant." No one 'got' you anything — you made a choice.
    From this hour I ordain myself loos’d of limits and imaginary lines.

  4. #944
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    @cafe

    Some times two people are mature enough to recognize that they don't get along in close relationships. There's people that I cannot live with under the same roof but don't mind seeing now and then - I don't hate them, we just don't mesh well in prolonged situations.

  5. #945
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    Quote Originally Posted by sprinkles View Post
    @cafe

    Some times two people are mature enough to recognize that they don't get along in close relationships. There's people that I cannot live with under the same roof but don't mind seeing now and then - I don't hate them, we just don't mesh well in prolonged situations.
    Makes sense. God, I hope I never have to be that kind of mature, though. I don't think I could get there without a boatload of pain.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  6. #946
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Makes sense. God, I hope I never have to be that kind of mature, though. I don't think I could get there without a boatload of pain.
    Yeah it's hard. There's a guy I know and I'm actually happy to see him when I see him but he stayed with me for a while and it was different. It's kind of like "I like you, we can hang out now and then. But please don't live with me or I will kill you."

  7. #947
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaguar View Post
    "Who got me pregnant." No one 'got' you anything — you made a choice.
    It seems that you're still missing the mark, Jaguar. I did make a choice, but you don't know the whole story... and I didn't steal the guy's sperm and put it inside of me. He made some choices too that are having an enormous impact on me, and will have an even greater impact on our future son. It's almost as if you are more determined to make an irrelevant point than to provide any helpful or insightful comments...just saying ;-)

    Good luck to you!!

  8. #948
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    As far as getting someone pregnant and then deciding they essentially don't exist anymore . . . INFJs don't have the market cornered on that particular trick. Not by a long shot. However, I don't think it's rational to expect that someone who has always lived more or less as an adolescent is suddenly going to act like a responsible adult just because their sperm landed, you know? It'd be nice, but I haven't seen it happen very often, if at all. At best, you can make them cough up financial support after they put you through proving paternity.
    I definitely agree that it isn't rational to expect someone who has always lived as an adolescent to suddenly act like an adult. I think that a major difficulty I am having with accepting this situation is trying to match up the person I was with to the person he has now become in relation to me and the circumstances. I am definitely seeing now, thanks to you and other insightful commenters, that the problem isn't really as much about the way the father is handling the situation as it is about my unwillingness to accept how he is handling it. Seems like I have an idea in my head about how people "should" act or behave, and I am more attached to this idea than I am willing to embrace reality.

    I have already started on the paperwork for establishing paternity/claiming child support...I live in NY and it isn't that difficult. I did it though a DIY program online, and just have to get the papers notarized and submit a copy of the birth certificate to the courts. Possibly the beginning of a very long and unpleasant journey, but I am sure it will be well worth it, if only for the sake of my son :-)

  9. #949
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    Quote Originally Posted by LazerRedDive View Post
    I definitely agree that it isn't rational to expect someone who has always lived as an adolescent to suddenly act like an adult. I think that a major difficulty I am having with accepting this situation is trying to match up the person I was with to the person he has now become in relation to me and the circumstances. I am definitely seeing now, thanks to you and other insightful commenters, that the problem isn't really as much about the way the father is handling the situation as it is about my unwillingness to accept how he is handling it. Seems like I have an idea in my head about how people "should" act or behave, and I am more attached to this idea than I am willing to embrace reality.

    I have already started on the paperwork for establishing paternity/claiming child support...I live in NY and it isn't that difficult. I did it though a DIY program online, and just have to get the papers notarized and submit a copy of the birth certificate to the courts. Possibly the beginning of a very long and unpleasant journey, but I am sure it will be well worth it, if only for the sake of my son :-)
    I'm sorry you're having to go through all that and hope things work out well for you. FWIW, my mom was single when I was born. We did have some tough times, but I didn't have a bad childhood and I'm a fairly functional 42 year old with a good marriage and four nice teenagers now. It's a big, hard job but it's possible.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #950
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    Hello fellow INFJs...

    I am a (very) latecomer to the thread...I stumbled upon this thread while searching info on doorslamming by INFJs and went over from beginning to end...

    @Mane

    Mane, I know the thread is old...I do not exactly know what you have been going through...I hope you have emotionally recovered and are doing well...If you are still interested in the topic;

    Instead of giving us “your” interpretation of the events and her actions, please try giving concrete factual presentation of facts relating to what has transpired between you and her (like which actions of yours triggered stress/trauma in her), and let people here be the judge of who did what wrongly and whether she did indeed doorslam you (in the INFJ sense) and whether it was justified or not. Too many details are not necessary; just sum it up without contaminating it with personal interpretation.

    How come you are so sure that she’s an INFJ? People who doorslam are not all necessarily INFJs…That would be a faulty reasoning if that’s how you identified her to be an INFJ. Please give point by point specific examples of the things that made you think she's an INFJ...Tests may be misleading, at one point in the past I was thinking I was an ISTJ...(cause that's what I was trying hard to be...but not who I was...)

    By the way, INFJs here are not obliged to justify to you that doorslamming is right or wrong…They are not your ex-wife…

    Your line of reasoning in your messages by the way seems incoherent to me. I cannot follow it up. Either you are not an ENTP, or you are young (like under 20, which is unlikely) or English is not your native language, due to which you cannot communicate your thoughts thoroughly in English. I have an ENTP friend, we are both in our mid-30s and I can follow and visualize his reasoning and the interconnections he form quite clearly as he speaks.

    I suspect you are failing to detect the meaning and reasoning behind the “very” articulate messages posted by INFJs here, who are trying to show you possible flaws in your assumptions and line of reasoning. I am 99% percent sure that you are not an ENTP…I am doubtful your ex is an INFJ either…She may be a Fi-Dominant, ISFP perhaps…but that's a wild guess...

    Assuming that she’s INFJ to begin with; you may either have committed several wrongdoings (i.e. boundary violations/abuses) repetitively in a period of time thereby creating a pattern in her mind that indicates an inherent inability in you for personal growth/change; or committed one severe, traumatic wrongdoing to her, which instantly caused her to shut down and doorslam you…

    In an INFJ’s mind, impression of a person darkens over time due to repetitive wrongdoings committed by that person, forming a pattern of behavior, which after some time the INFJ may deem beyond remedy/repair…which then leads to the conclusion that further effort/interaction to rectify/remedy the relationship is futile/pointless and a waste of time/mental energy/wellbeing. It's like the person in the INFJ's mind has finally passed the point of no return and sucked into a black hole forever to be forgotten...No further information from that point on regarding that person is necessary and meaningful to the INFJ, for the INFJ has finally concluded that the said person is BAD for him/her and not worth further effort...

    That's what you are calling your wife (not decidedly an INFJ in my mind) blocking herself to new/revealing information about the said person (you)...But I can't see what's wrong with that cause from the moment of making the doorslamming decision, INFJ no longer feels emotionally committed to and invested in that person, so no longer feels the need to hear/learn further information about her...It does not matter if new information reveals that the justification for the doorslam was wrong...cause in the INFJ's heart/mind the fire/warmth for you had already died out and it would be very hard to re-spark that fire again...because even INFJ turns out to be un-justified in doorslamming, he/she will know that the relationship/connection will never be the same again even if it is re-kindled...there will always be this uneasiness, suspense, guardedness, in-authenticity between the two of you...

    Seeing you will always remind him/her that he/she failed to analyze the situation in a correct manner, that his/her mental faculties were inefficient/inaccurate, that he wrongly caused mental/emotional anguish to you...which will cause him/her doubt and inconclusiveness when dealing with you in future; the INFJ will have to refrain from acting on his/her intuition about you in future, fearing whether he/she is making another mistake again...So the INFJ will conclude that the relationship is on a shaky ground and is spoilt forever...He/she may perhaps come forward and apologize to make amends to the aggrieved party, not to actively pursue to start the relationship anew again but to pay due respect...The amicability, reasonability and non-volatility of the other party would determine whether the INFJ will attempt a face to face discussion/encounter with the person concerned, and will determine the nature of the doorslam or even prevent it from happening at all if the confrontation results in a positive outcome (i.e. the other party is willing the hear the INFJ out, respect his/her grievances).

    INFJs would only resort to doorslamming after options like negotiating, appealing to empathy, dialogue, setting boundaries etc. had failed. Doorslam means end of the relationship for an INFJ. It means strike one, strike two, strike three and then you are out…

    On the other hand, you cannot force people into relationships…That would be a toxic behavior.You cannot force them to “not end” the relationship; it is a voluntary bonding based on mutual consent of both parties. Forcing someone to enter into or continue with a relationship/intimacy is like forcing someone into sex or labor, i.e. rape or slavery. You can, of course, pursue your legal rights if any…

    If your actions stressed her enough to revert her to her shadow functions (i.e. a trauma) as you say, it does not matter from that point forward whether she opens her up to and is able to rationally absorb your subsequent justifications/explanations… You must have done something extremely violating to her to have caused her to revert to her shadow…which in itself is enough reason not just for INFJs but for anyone to sever ties with the perpetrator of that stress...She cannot give you the benefit of doubt any longer from that point on…

    This interpretation of mine is based on what little information I know about you and your ex-wife and is about how the things may have transpired between you and her assuming she's a healthy INFJ...As I said, she may not even be an INFJ, or may be someone with a personality disorder but you did not give enough information about yourself or her to make such a conclusion...

    Just try to absorb my take on the issue and please give point by point concrete information to clarify any missing information and parts that I am wrong in interpreting your story, but please do not shut my point of view out or give one of those garbled cyptic replies...

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