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  1. #931

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    New to the forum. Being an INFJ myself, I felt the need to include my two cents.

    Since I can (at times) be a pretty emotional person (mix my PMDD with my INFJ), I tend to act on a whim, meaning I'll do things spur of the moment and regret them greatly later on. In response to the original post, the girl may have been embarrassed about the wrist cutting thing and didn't want to talk about it. I know I get embarrassed when I'm called out on my irrationality, especially because I know it's irrational; and yet I can't control it.

    So, embarrassment is one reason why I might doorslam, but this type of doorslam is usually never permanent for me. I'll come back around and start talking to the person again someday, after analyzing the relationship and coming to the conclusion that it is "safe" to rekindle it.

    I doorslam permanently if someone has extremely crossed the line. However, that doesn't mean that they don't cross my mind on several occasions (i.e. I wonder how "so and so" is doing). I also find myself contemplating on trying to rekindle the relationship, even if it is a horrible idea. I strongly dislike several people, but that doesn't mean I don't wish we could still be friends. I guess my feelings for other people play a huge part in that.

    In addition, I have never doorslammed an ex. I find it hard to just cut off a relationship that I invested so many feelings into. It's impossible for me to just "disconnect"... at least until I'M ready to... but it has to be my call.

  2. #932

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    I did a bit of doorslamming when I was younger. (in fact I invented the title 'Missy McDoorslam' to describe myself)

    Conflict manifests more physically for me. When the wrong things get said, it's like being assaulted physically because I internalize it, just kind of naturally. It's very hard not to when it seems like it isn't even a conscious decision.

    Some times I'd feel like my brain had just been bashed in and my insides are ripping themselves apart, and there's an instinct to protect myself from discomfort and damage. Some times it would feel like I'm literally being beaten up and my body would physically get tense and hypervigilant and I'd feel like I want to throw up. So doorslamming could be away to preserve sanity, and a way to keep from going off on the person.

  3. #933

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    Quote Originally Posted by FineLine View Post
    I think INFJ doorslams are ultimately healthy and reasonable. If I have a quibble with INFJs on this, it’s that INFJs tend to “Ni” their doorslams too much and feel unnecessarily guilty about them. Personally, I would have INFJs be more like the posters at the message boards at AskMen.com, where the standard response to a relationship problem tends to be “Dump the bitch.” Maybe then INFJs would get over it a bit and it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

    As for some Ti need for closure/explanation/debate (the reference here is to the posts by Mane and BalanceFind), it’s just that: It’s just a personal need of Ti-users. No one gets exactly what they want in life; get used to it.

    A bit more on the healthiness and reasonableness of INFJ doorslams:

    INFJs interact with the world via Fe, and Fe is ultimately about setting and enforcing boundaries for relationships as much as anything else. And if relationships get particularly burdensome, then the ultimate way of enforcing boundaries is to dump the relationship.

    To elucidate on this last point a touch (i.e., that Fe is about setting relationship boundaries): Rulebooks on networking are in vogue right now, what with the emphasis on social platforms in the media and teamwork in the workplace. The best of these books are written by Fe-Doms, and they are mostly about how to manage a large number of friends and acquaintances: For example, you assign your relationships to various categories (clients, professional associates, friends, acquaintances), set appropriate boundaries for each, schedule times to touch base with them, and generally “handle” people with an aim to maximum effectiveness.

    Some will argue that this treatment of relationships is manipulative. But the networkers themselves consider it a win for everyone. The networker helps the participants in his network connect with each other and profit by the network, and meanwhile the Fe rules and boundaries allow the skilled networker to manage an ever-larger network. See the book “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi for an excellent example of this kind of Fe treatment.

    And naturally anyone who violates the rules of the network immediately loses access to the network and the networker.

    To sum up: Fe is a judging function, and it is about boundaries. Dumping someone who abuses the rules (an INFJ doorslam) is part and parcel of a system of good personal boundaries.

    For a similar Te treatment of relationships, see the book “Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life”, by Julie Morgenstern. The author argues that 80 percent of our daily clutter can be discarded, quickly freeing up big chunks of time and energy. She defines “clutter” as “...any obsolete object, space, commitment, or behavior that weighs you down, distracts you, or depletes your energy...” She doesn’t single out relationships, but they figure heavily in the parts about commitments as clutter.

    And she argues forcefully for moving quickly and aggressively to clear out the clutter. It’s all about getting your own life in order; it’s not about explaining yourself to others and begging their pardon. Don’t spend forever worrying about the opinions of others or trying to soften the blows.

    To sum up: Discarding a bad relationship is just good organization (good Te). Don’t make a big deal out it. When it comes high time, you just take out the trash and then slam the door on the way back in.
    Okay so I know this thread has been put to sleep for a few months now, but I also wanted to put in my two cents :-)

    I haven't read through this entire thread yet, and apologize in advance for any redundancies, but I have been door slammed by an INFJ who got me pregnant!! He blew me off by telling me he had cancer (which may or may not have been a lie) calling me a btch and a whore, saying I was nothing to him and wishing me good luck in life. But he has completely door slammed me -- ignoring me when he sees me, avoiding eye contact, and ignoring every text message I have sent even when it came to the baby's health and genetic/medical information. I am about to give birth next month and still not a word or any recognition of responsibility from him. He does not seem to be suffering at all...still sleeping around and hanging out at 33 years old...while I am completely stressed physically, emotionally, and financially. I might even lose my apartment because I can't make ends meet, and have told him of the circumstances -- still not a word.

    So while I think the door slam might be a healthy option for the INFJ when it comes to protecting their dream/vision, it can be quite unhealthy for certain situations and have absolutely devastating consequences to those of us who are still stuck in reality!!

  4. #934

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    Just adding in addition to my last post -- I cannot even bear to think of the consequences that this door slam is going to have on our son. To me, that's just not fair.

  5. #935

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    It's wierd that this post was made with a thumbs up sign, lol.

    I got "doorslammed" by an ex gf, who is IxFJ (yes, I typed her as that long before the doorslammin).

    I related this to the way some INFJ I know well (my brother and one cousing, both tested and confirmed, and both very similar), and asked some INFJ online about it, learning about this "doorslam" meme which I was previously unaware of.

    Personally I think the best way to deal is to accept it, it's their choice. I haven't been in touch with her at all for nearly 1.5 years now, I figure it's her loss. I thought about writing her for Christmas/New Year, but despite that it would be niceto make each other smile once more, I don't think it would be worht the stress.

    However I wonder what other IFJ's think, is there sufficient cooling off period after which such a message would be applicable? Or is just a case of, if we meant so little to each other that we could go over a year without talking (over 2 by next Christmas), then why bother at all?

  6. #936
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    I've only had the two romantic relationships and don't have much experience dealing with exes. Honestly, though, it seems to me the main point of ending a relationship is so that you don't have to deal with the other person anymore. Why would you go through the pain of breaking up only to still have to keep dealing with the person? It seems masochistic to me.

    As far as getting someone pregnant and then deciding they essentially don't exist anymore . . . INFJs don't have the market cornered on that particular trick. Not by a long shot. However, I don't think it's rational to expect that someone who has always lived more or less as an adolescent is suddenly going to act like a responsible adult just because their sperm landed, you know? It'd be nice, but I haven't seen it happen very often, if at all. At best, you can make them cough up financial support after they put you through proving paternity.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #937

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    Get on the pill if you don't want to get pregnant.
    Conversely, I don't want to hear any guy whine about being trapped into fatherhood - put on a condom.

    This isn't a type issue, it's merely blaming someone else for your own dereliction.
    Take responsibility for your actions. It takes two to tango.

  8. #938
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    Quote Originally Posted by LazerRedDive View Post
    So while I think the door slam might be a healthy option for the INFJ when it comes to protecting their dream/vision, it can be quite unhealthy for certain situations and have absolutely devastating consequences to those of us who are still stuck in reality!!
    i'm sorry for what your going through, but i don't think you can compel him to be a decent father in this situation, no more then @BalanceFind can compel his ex to act with reason (took hold of all of their possessions) or i can compel my ex to be a decent mother/ex-wife (preventing contact between me and our son), nor any of the others.

    not all INFJs do this, but the ones who do seem to follow the same patterns intrinsic to the nature of the doorslam: your point of view no longer exists, he will go on living as if this whole thing says nothing about himself or who he is (which is whats important - the consequences to you and your child don't matter, he is doorslamming in order to make sure those don't feel real to him), and none of what he did was his choice anyway, since he had his reasons and they make perfect sense for him in his head, "i wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have done this" sort of reasoning, like a soda vending machine who blames everyone else for pressing the poison-in-a-can button.

    i'll admit to being jaded here, but again and again i've seen the other side waste time investing themselves in the idea that this is some temporary insanity, that he's going to catch up with reality any moment now, letting yourself compelled by some notion that underneath it all he has to be a decent person who could never do this, or that he even has the willingness to understand what he is doing, that he can't really be doing this and its somehow not real... and the other endless variations of emotional postmortem. as hard as it might be, accept that he is intending to do exactly what he is doing.

    my suggestion is: don't repeat our mistake of wasting such time and energy - none of the normalized expectations apply here. if you chose to not do this alone, abortion/adoption might be your best bet, even if sad and hard as fuck (i admit right off the bat i wouldn't be able to do it). if you are ok with doing this alone, or have a good network of family & friends which you trust to help you out, there's no use waiting for him to change his mind, whether he grows up to the point of showing up at some point is something you can't control, but in the mean time, take the legal route to obtain whatever kind of support you can - take care of the parts of your life that you can control.

    i am sorry for you and your child, it's not easy, but it's doable, and i wish you the best of luck. depending on where you live, their might be organizations that can help you - with both legal and financial matters.

  9. #939
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LazerRedDive View Post
    Okay so I know this thread has been put to sleep for a few months now, but I also wanted to put in my two cents :-)

    I haven't read through this entire thread yet, and apologize in advance for any redundancies, but I have been door slammed by an INFJ who got me pregnant!! He blew me off by telling me he had cancer (which may or may not have been a lie) calling me a btch and a whore, saying I was nothing to him and wishing me good luck in life. But he has completely door slammed me -- ignoring me when he sees me, avoiding eye contact, and ignoring every text message I have sent even when it came to the baby's health and genetic/medical information. I am about to give birth next month and still not a word or any recognition of responsibility from him. He does not seem to be suffering at all...still sleeping around and hanging out at 33 years old...while I am completely stressed physically, emotionally, and financially. I might even lose my apartment because I can't make ends meet, and have told him of the circumstances -- still not a word.

    So while I think the door slam might be a healthy option for the INFJ when it comes to protecting their dream/vision, it can be quite unhealthy for certain situations and have absolutely devastating consequences to those of us who are still stuck in reality!!
    Dude.. your circumstances are sad and all, but- forgive me if my bluntness seems abrasive- no one "got" you pregnant. You chose to fuck a guy, and either your contraception failed, or you didn't use any. It's not like he just ran up behind you, yelled SURPRISE!, injected you with semen, & ran away. Have some personal accountability for who and what you choose to put in your pants.


    His behavior doesn't sound necessarily like an INFJ cliche doorslam thing.. it goes above and beyond simple cutting off, when all that garbage is involved. Ultimately, it just kinda sounds like an unstable, irresponsible asshole, regardless of type. There's no simpler way to put it, and absolutely no excuse for his actions. Whether the cancer thing is true or not, how he chooses to allow that to affect his behavior toward others is on him, 100%. It sucks not to have that kind of support from someone you cared about, and are now going to be geneticallly linked to, forever. I'm sorry you have to deal with that in tandem with all the craziness that comes with just being pregnant. I won't pretend to know how overwhelming that must feel for you, moment to moment. I hope you have friends and family around for you.

    And speaking of that genetic link.. your financial woes may end once the child is born. If you truly are that financially destitute.. Get on public assistance/Medicaid, if you live in the US. ASAP. Being on such public assistance programs is your gateway to getting many court fees waived in things like paternity testing & filing for things like child support. If he won't take responsibility, then make him. Even if he bails on it for years, it'll catch up to him eventually. And public assistance is there to help you help yourself. And your child. So get on your feet, and deal with the situation. Try to make a stable life for yourself and your kid. Use the help that is available to you, the best you can. I don't imagine you'd ideally want to go through all of that legal shit- who does- but especially when the welfare of another life is involved, you might as well push on, and be prepared for the worst [if he just never comes around/owns up to his part], so that once the child is born, you can focus mostly on caring for it, vs just struggling to pay your rent/live day to day, & frantically rifling through documents & just starting the legal processing crap from there.

    Not telling you what to do- just making you aware of options available to you to potentially lighten some of your burden.

    I wish you luck.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  10. #940

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    i'm sorry for what your going through, but i don't think you can compel him to be a decent father in this situation, no more then @BalanceFind can compel his ex to act with reason (took hold of all of their possessions) or i can compel my ex to be a decent mother/ex-wife (preventing contact between me and our son), nor any of the others.

    not all INFJs do this, but the ones who do seem to follow the same patterns intrinsic to the nature of the doorslam: your point of view no longer exists, he will go on living as if this whole thing says nothing about himself or who he is (which is whats important - the consequences to you and your child don't matter, he is doorslamming in order to make sure those don't feel real to him), and none of what he did was his choice anyway, since he had his reasons and they make perfect sense for him in his head, "i wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have done this" sort of reasoning, like a soda vending machine who blames everyone else for pressing the poison-in-a-can button.

    i'll admit to being jaded here, but again and again i've seen the other side waste time investing themselves in the idea that this is some temporary insanity, that he's going to catch up with reality any moment now, letting yourself compelled by some notion that underneath it all he has to be a decent person who could never do this, or that he even has the willingness to understand what he is doing, that he can't really be doing this and its somehow not real... and the other endless variations of emotional postmortem. as hard as it might be, accept that he is intending to do exactly what he is doing.

    my suggestion is: don't repeat our mistake of wasting such time and energy - none of the normalized expectations apply here. if you chose to not do this alone, abortion/adoption might be your best bet, even if sad and hard as fuck (i admit right off the bat i wouldn't be able to do it). if you are ok with doing this alone, or have a good network of family & friends which you trust to help you out, there's no use waiting for him to change his mind, whether he grows up to the point of showing up at some point is something you can't control, but in the mean time, take the legal route to obtain whatever kind of support you can - take care of the parts of your life that you can control.

    i am sorry for you and your child, it's not easy, but it's doable, and i wish you the best of luck. depending on where you live, their might be organizations that can help you - with both legal and financial matters.
    Thank you Mane. I am having a lot of trouble understanding and accepting what is going on right now -- or even that this is the same person I was once so involved with. You gave a lot of good, sound advice that I can relate to, and while it wasn't what I wanted to hear, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I am definitely keeping the baby and taking advantage of all of the assistance that is currently available to me. I plan on eventually going back to school for social work, with the goal of helping women who find themselves in a similar situation. Best of luck to you with your situation. I'm sorry to hear that you and others are going through tough times as well. I guess all we can do is as you said -- take control of what we can -- and at the very least help each other cope with, accept, and understand that which we cannot control. Thank you again :-)

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