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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #81
    Crazy Diamond Array Billy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.

    For example, one of my INFJ friends unfriended me and blocked me on facebook when I sent her a note asking if she was OK because she had posted a profile picture of a bleeding wrist. (Then out of the blue, eight months later, she sends me a friend request.)

    I don't get it. Maybe I'm too extraverted, too perceiving, or too Te (I'm only barely F so my extraverted thinking is pretty darn strong), but this seems like an unproductive, and in the extreme, self-sabotaging behavior. It's also hurt my feelings more than once. The INFJ seems to just need to shut me out while they sort through things on their own.

    I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this dynamic with INFJs and if they'd share their perspectives. Also, for those INFJs out there, I'd appreciate you helping me understand what might be going on. I read people very well. I understand where INFJs are coming from intuitively without even trying... except for the doorslamming. I just don't get it. It completely baffles me.

    Also, I'd appreciate suggestions on the best way to be a good friend to the doorslamming INFJ, while also taking care of my own needs to not feel abandoned by my INFJ friends.
    you may be able to understand a lot, but I am beginning to think that INFJs are not understandable. I have door slammed lots of people, im doing it to 3 people right now. It basically boils down to how much tolerance I have and am able to muster to pretend I am anything but annoyed by the relationship. I usually only doorslam people when they hurt me, i go out of my way to live a life where I am not a threatening person and I am super easy to talk to, so people dont usually have an ability to hurt me, when they do, they get door slammed. I typically only door slam out of betrayal of some type.

    How to talk to an INFJ who is doorslamming you? I dont know... usually you cant. My guess would be to use a 3rd person who is not in the middle of being shut out to act as an emissary. I have been in this situation before and the 3rd person really helped me to see that i was acting stupid and made me feel like i was overacting with the doorslam.
    Ground control to Major Tom

  2. #82
    Wurstverkäufer Array entropie's Avatar
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    I had countless arguements and fights with my infj and we dorrslammed each other every time. She's very hardcore when it comes to such things, she changed her telephone number, one time she even moved to a new appartment. Then again she's hardcore in everything she does, it's a gift sometimes but most times its more a curse to her.

    I tho unintentionally did a thing, none of the countless friends who came before me ever did, after we argued. I never stalked her. I am more of the intentional drama queen and I am very proud and once I made up my mind in anger, I hardly deviate from my decision.

    The only thing that helps then is, when the other party comes back on her own and starts to seek the conversation with me to clear things out, then I'll dumb my decision in an instant. So I am very stubborn.

    And thats basically how it worked, we are together for 5 years now and the longest relationships we had before that were 3 months for her and 8 months for me. And in the first 2 years we disbanded more than 10 times in heavy arguements. And every time it was she who came back, tho it wasnt necessary all the time cause I was in the wrong with many arguements I had too.

    But that way we got to know each other in a deep way in which I have never known a person before. Her sensitive streak and emotional nature enable her to see the world in such a different way than I do and its a relief, a point of refuge for my own soul to join in with her. I on the other hand serve as a stabilizer to her, as a point of refuge she can turn to too, if she feels left alone in the real world.

    I have no real advice on how to deal with all INFJs, but in my special case the most important thing is not to try to change her in any way. She'll change herself, cause she will notice what you noticed, INFJs can be very wise people and have tho being sometimes stubborn Js the ability to see thru other peoples eyes.

    And infjs are ultimatively sensitive, like I am too tho. They can get pissed at things you never knew that this would piss her off and they dont tell you. Therefore getting to know them by listening to them or in dialogue is imperative. They dont really need someone to tell them anything or to always be nice and fluffy to them, you actually can get very far, if not the farthest by just being there for them in all times.

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  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    I have no real advice on how to deal with all INFJs, but in my special case the most important thing is not to try to change her in any way. She'll change herself, cause she will notice what you noticed, INFJs can be very wise people and have tho being sometimes stubborn Js the ability to see thru other peoples eyes.

    And infjs are ultimatively sensitive, like I am too tho. They can get pissed at things you never knew that this would piss her off and they dont tell you. Therefore getting to know them by listening to them or in dialogue is imperative. They dont really need someone to tell them anything or to always be nice and fluffy to them, you actually can get very far, if not the farthest by just being there for them in all times.
    Well said.

  4. #84
    Kraken down on piracy Array Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by entropie View Post
    I have no real advice on how to deal with all INFJs, but in my special case the most important thing is not to try to change her in any way. She'll change herself, cause she will notice what you noticed, INFJs can be very wise people and have tho being sometimes stubborn Js the ability to see thru other peoples eyes.

    And infjs are ultimatively sensitive, like I am too tho. They can get pissed at things you never knew that this would piss her off and they dont tell you. Therefore getting to know them by listening to them or in dialogue is imperative. They dont really need someone to tell them anything or to always be nice and fluffy to them, you actually can get very far, if not the farthest by just being there for them in all times.
    + 2
    Very well said, entropie.
    "It is not length of life, but depth of life." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

    "Thought breeds thought." ~ Henry David Thoreau

  5. #85
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    ^I really like the parts of entropie's post that Lux bolded.

    Quote Originally Posted by Immaculate Cloud View Post
    If I understand cascadeco and Buck right, it seems that I too think the same way. From time to time, I will withdraw from some friend / bunch of people because I feel that the boundaries need to be well-defined. I'll constantly think, 'who am I FOR you?' or is it 'Who am I TO you?'

    Am I just a convenient Big Listening Ear? Am I "just a weekend friend"? Am I just someone you pull along when you need company?

    I need to know what is expected of me and whether I am willing to deliver that on my own terms and not have it squeezed/weaselled out of me.

    Hope I make sense.
    I can’t speak for casc., but yeah- I find it too distracting if I can’t figure out where I stand with someone. I can’t stand feeling like the balance of respect might be off. That’s why I need to feel on the same page.

    Ni feels kind of like echolocution: I need all the little signals that come back to match what I think of the friendship (or whatever the relationship is). If they don’t, then dealing with the person regularly is too much of a distraction because I instinctively pay more attention to the signals until something makes sense. And invariably- for me- a doorslam is because too many contradictory signals have begun to surface and I can’t handle the distraction. It’s hard to explain, it’s just kind of like having so much white noise going on in my head that it interferes with other aspects of my life. Or like a computer that’s gotten really slow because the memory is being hogged up; doorslamming someone is like freeing up a big chunk of ram.

    It isn't that it's the 'comfortable' or easiest way for me to deal with it. In fact, I'm seriously uncomfortable with doorslamming. It's a matter of needing to be able to think clearly again, and knowing that I won't be able to until the white-noisy distraction has been removed.

    And like what entropie said about his girlfriend- I'm actually really good at owning when I was wrong about something (and figuring out on my own that I was wrong). Sometimes I just need to get away from someone for a while to process the stuff in my head. People who can give me that space- without criticizing me for it- don't get doorslammed.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  6. #86
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    A more succinct and clear way of stating it has occurred to me. INFJ types doorslam when the amount of contradictory signals picked by Ni surpasses the rate at which we can process the information; it builds up like white noise and congests our ability to think clearly. Asking an INFJ to hurry up and process it- so they can tell you what the problem is- is akin to asking the average person to do long division in their head. We do the best we can.

    If you get doorslammed, and the person is important to you, the best move you can make is to calmly state that you’d like to know what the problem is when the INFJ type is able to tell you. Pressuring the INFJ to tell you- as if they know, but aren’t willing to say- is likely to give the INFJ the impression that you don’t begin to understand and it’ll probably make the doorslam permanent. Simply stating that it’s important to you and that you’d like to know when the insight becomes available shows you believe we are doing the best we can- it’s a more respectful approach to take- and it’s far more likely we’ll respond positively to it.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  7. #87
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    I usually just save myself the trouble by making friends with a nearby wall.

    An infj and I were in the same general area when she called with her unknown number, so I didn't answer, and by the time she left her number with the 2nd call, I was 5 miles in the other direction. Ended up calling me a third time. Then I called her back to say that I was already too far and with another friend.

    When I returned home, she'd left an email that told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hang out again and that I shouldn't bother to call back because she doesn't like phonecalls (?). I asked her why over aim. She said I did not pick up, so I told her that it had nothing to do with how I felt about our friendship. She must've had something really important to tell me. Oh well. I told her that if she didn't say hi to me again, then I'll assume that this is the end of the road. Any ideas what was going on here?

    I didn't tell her that I don't appreciate being treated like an on-call servant, but did mention that it would have been cool if she'd given me proper notice that she wanted to do something before I left the house. Or at least had let me know what it was about over the phone.

    And then I fell asleep with a book on the couch.

    thinking of you

  8. #88
    Senior Member Array the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by candylandjoe View Post
    I usually just save myself the trouble by making friends with a nearby wall.

    An infj and I were in the same general area when she called with her unknown number, so I didn't answer, and by the time she left her number with the 2nd call, I was 5 miles in the other direction. Ended up calling me a third time. Then I called her back to say that I was already too far and with another friend.

    When I returned home, she'd left an email that told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hang out again and that I shouldn't bother to call back because she doesn't like phonecalls (?). I asked her why over aim. She said I did not pick up, so I told her that it had nothing to do with how I felt about our friendship. She must've had something really important to tell me. Oh well. I told her that if she didn't say hi to me again, then I'll assume that this is the end of the road. Any ideas what was going on here?

    I didn't tell her that I don't appreciate being treated like an on-call servant, but did mention that it would have been cool if she'd given me proper notice that she wanted to do something before I left the house. Or at least had let me know what it was about over the phone.

    And then I fell asleep with a book on the couch.
    an example of piss-poor infj communication combined with too much j and a bit of emotionally demanding i want what i want when i want it. i'm not proud to admit that sometimes i can do this, and that i need to talk some sense into myself at times. later i feel really embarrassed bc i realize how selfish i was being at the time, and that my judgments and rationalizations of the situation were really based on the imaginary rather than the real.

  9. #89
    jump Array sleuthiness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    an example of piss-poor infj communication combined with too much j and a bit of emotionally demanding i want what i want when i want it. i'm not proud to admit that sometimes i can do this, and that i need to talk some sense into myself at times. later i feel really embarrassed bc i realize how selfish i was being at the time, and that my judgments and rationalizations of the situation were really based on the imaginary rather than the real.
    Is it common for infjs to act in such a way?

    It definitely felt like out of balance friendship in a way, but also strangely comforting in its unusualness, as neither of us really knew what we were doing. We would ask each other if we were crazy or paranoid or above all pretty frequently. To me, walking around with her made me feel like I was the only guy in town and her the only girl, like everyone else partying around us were the dead ones just there for us like we were walking through a museum of the future. I felt like we had a shared understanding of basic philosophical principals, that life isn't just about living but taking in experiences, dissecting them to their basic atoms, taking that knowledge to make a impact without seeking anything in return, a step beyond simple compromise.

    thinking of you

  10. #90
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the state i am in View Post
    an example of piss-poor infj communication combined with too much j and a bit of emotionally demanding i want what i want when i want it. i'm not proud to admit that sometimes i can do this, and that i need to talk some sense into myself at times. later i feel really embarrassed bc i realize how selfish i was being at the time, and that my judgments and rationalizations of the situation were really based on the imaginary rather than the real.
    Oh snap. But yeah. Sometimes this is my immediate reaction to not getting what I want. And I don’t know how common it is for the type, but I know my irl INFJ friends do it as well. It’s always embarrassing when I realize it. state’s being about as honest as it gets in describing it.

    Quote Originally Posted by candylandjoe View Post
    When I returned home, she'd left an email that told me she wasn't sure she wanted to hang out again and that I shouldn't bother to call back because she doesn't like phonecalls (?).
    This does kinda sound like an example of it. For what it’s worth, there was just a thread where a bunch of us point out that we only spew the embarrassing raw, unfinished emotional crap at people we trust.

    edit: It's also worth pointing out that the stuff we say while immediately upset isn't anywhere as reliable as the stuff we say after we've had some time to reflect on it.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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