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  1. #841
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post

    but - perhaps ironically to your example - throughout this conversation, whenever i've beig hearing the examples of one sided stories, whenever i have seen the depiction of cutting off the other's perspective, of blaming it all on the other side, how toxic/vampiric/[insert villanizing] they where, how the doorslammer feels they exhausted all other possibilities and had no choice, i can't help but think of the classic line from any book or media depicting a beating husband, in that moment after, when he look at the wife saying, "now look what you've made me do".
    For me personally if I've felt it necessary to shut someone out of my life it's been highly emotional for me and a lot of negative feelings relate to the memory. It happens so rarely that it's really a kind of a significant moment in life. It's happened to me maybe 2 or 3 times in 30 years.

    I've shut people out of my life "suddenly" in two contexts
    1.) A friend has done something underhanded I would consider the ultimate betrayal of trust that has at the same time caused damage to a meaningful relationship or my work.
    2) Someone continuing on with a repeated harmful behavior that I've mentioned several times is an issue I cannot live with (like for example talking to me consistently in a derisive way for example, or other types of toxic behavior). In these cases I take into account their life situations and other "stress factors", but if it's just ongoing for a long time there can be a cutoff point where I just won't put up with it anymore and I'll leave the relationship. But if this happens I've discussed it enough times for them to have had plenty of opportunity to make good. Conversation after that is moot because it's been conversed a billion times already.

    That said I'll weather huge amounts of crazy behavior from certain people who are permanent fixtures in my life. People I know have their heart in the right place...(unless they take it TOO FAR and that would be far indeed... like setting my house on fire or something...see no 1 or in intimate relationships 2. although I never sever the ties completely. They just get demoted to friends if they want to stick around. I don't see this differing from normal break-ups other types have...except I'm on good terms with my Ex:s )

    It takes a long time for people to become what I'd consider "friends" before that they fall into the colleagues or acquaintaces categories and though I wouldn't shut anyone of them out with no communication unless they'd do something inexcusable. If I'm not that interested in a deeper friendship I wouldn't keep contact necessarily, but the phone works two ways and I do pick it up. But this is what other Feelers do too. ISFJs ENFJs ESFJs spring to mind... ...then again ESTPs are polite too even to those they don't want to be around...so it's not just INFJ domain that there. Some more insensitive types just say "I don't want to hang out" or something. That's their perogative. I kind of fade gradually if I don't want to be friends with someone. If they really just don't take the hint (like me not being available for anything for a half a year...) and they keep calling and pursuing I'd at some point stop answering the phone. As would other types. Sometimes people misunderstand my communication style and read too much into it. Maybe then they feel upset, but that's a two person miscommunication, not all my fault so to speak. Like ENFPs being warm and personable all the time or ESTPs seeming interested in you specifically for example. It's a style. INFJs have a style of being friendly and attentive in communications. Don't read too much into it.

    ...so to those who've been "doorslammed" by an INFJ here's some questions (because there's not really much backstory wise there either. Just people saying INFJs have doorslammed you, because they tend to do that...which sounds weird to me) :

    IF it's a long term close friendship:
    Has there been an incident where you've betrayed their trust? That's something INFJs really dislike with a passion. Have you cheated on them? Been flirting with other people? Told things shared in confidence to others? Used their ideas without permission?
    Have your actions resulted in problems in their other close relationships? Or jeopardized their projects? Have you thought you could do things behind their backs? Have you been an all around inconsiderate boob souring atmospheres left and right causing problems for people (not that you'd necessarily have sufficient self awareness to realize it)?
    IF it's more casual have they been aloof and distant otherwise too. Have you wanted the relationship to be more, very strongly pursued and they retreated? That means it's most likely one sided interest on your part and you're putting them in an akward situation of having to spell it out for you... though if they door slam you...are you what could be termed "a stalker"? Do you call a million times a day? Do you follow them around town? Do you imagine relationships with them that they are "too blind to see"? Stalker. I've doorslammed one. I think it's called self defense.
    Those would be things that would upset me.
    One thing you've got to remember is that INFJs can smell out inconsistencies in behavior and intension and all types of underlying nuanced motives people tend to have so when some (especially strong Se types and maybe strong T types) don't see there being any problems in a situation the INFJ would be (at least one of) the first to know. ...and us INFJ folks don't like to live in these kind of tense states. It's not good for our healths.

  2. #842
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
    ...so to those who've been "doorslammed" by an INFJ here's some questions (because there's not really much backstory wise there either. Just people saying INFJs have doorslammed you, because they tend to do that...which sounds weird to me)
    actually there's a lot of backstory around, and i noticed some consistent elements between them, and it's in the questions you didn't ask:

    Has there been an incident where they have betrayed your trust?
    from worst to lowest:
    • she has made a commitment to honor and respect my parental relationship with my stepson seperately from what happens between me & her, knowing it was the basis on which i opened myself and allowed the parental bond to form and reach the depth that it did, and broke it.
    • when things got bad, she has made a commitment to be patient and seek couple therapy so we can try to salvage the relationship and be open to solutions we didn't think about, and broke it.
    • and i suppose she broke the commitment of saying yes-i'll-marry-you styaing in sickness-and-in-health and all that jazz, but that's sort of a norm at this point..
    • went into various online acounts and causing problems faster then i could change the passwords.
    Have they cheated on you?
    partially - she has dated (by her definition) other men behind my back while we where married, maintains she didn't go through with it sexually, but resented me for being the cause of her guilt (as apposed to her own actions).
    Have they been flirting with other people?
    most definetly.
    Did they telll things shared in confidence to others?
    not that i know of.
    Used your ideas without permission?
    well, yes but she knew she can with me..
    Have their actions resulted in problems in your other close relationships?
    not directly, no.
    have they jeopardized your projects?
    there was a previously described eggshell period in which somehow my projects became second priorities to her needs while mine where unacounted for.
    Have they thought they could do things behind your backs?
    well the whole dating thing while we where togethe rand married... among others...
    Have they been an all around inconsiderate boob souring atmospheres left and right causing problems for people?
    most definetly, forcing my mother into extremely awkward positions.

    now, following what they did
    Have you cheated on them?
    nope
    Been flirting with other people?
    nope
    Used their ideas without permission?
    well technically when she threatened to sue me i called a few lawyers and formed a few larger lawsuit cases... nobody has pressed the trigger yet. hopefully we won't have too, but it was her idea and i did steal it...
    Have your actions resulted in problems in their other close relationships?
    yes - i maintained close relationships with our shared friends - some of which where of her of her family - and since they seemed they where willing to listen, i just... vented and vented, humiliating her in the process.
    Told things shared in confidence to others?
    not so much directly, but more judging her "out of the shell" self in front of others within my venting, which was otherwise consisted of a lot of herself that she doesn't share with others.
    Have you thought you could do things behind their backs?
    once she has broken her finale and most important commitment to me and told me about it, i took a portion of my money out of our bank acount and deducted what to leave behind based on what was left off the month, not knowing the state of the bills and not realizing i would be leaving her behind on credit card payments for things which we all shared from the previous month, had no problem fixing it when i learned it was the case.
    Or jeopardized their projects?
    following that, she would have lost what used to be our savings for moving expanses and first-and-last month payments on a better apartment we had our eyes on... although she technically didn't come with us when we went apartment touring... i think she just really hated our current apartment.. and i did too: it was small, crowded, new landlord that never fixed anything yet didn't allow us to fix anything pipe or electricity related...
    Has there been an incident where you've betrayed their trust?
    from her perspective all of the above was betraying her trust.
    Have you been an all around inconsiderate boob souring atmospheres left and right causing problems for people?
    from her perspective she believes i was because me leaving caused her to depend on her extended family, the fact it was her decision, thati didn't want to leave and that she threatened to lie to immigration about me if i didn't leave the country, didn't come into play in her assestment.

  3. #843
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    Quote Originally Posted by Reverie View Post
    One thing you've got to remember is that INFJs can smell out inconsistencies in behavior and intension and all types of underlying nuanced motives people tend to have so when some (especially strong Se types and maybe strong T types) don't see there being any problems in a situation the INFJ would be (at least one of) the first to know. ...and us INFJ folks don't like to live in these kind of tense states. It's not good for our healths.
    I think it is a bit odd to...I don't know *assume* an INFJ can 'smell out inconsistencies in behavior' better than any other type. This is not some superhuman-magical-power or anything. Other types may choose not to focus on 'behavioral inconsistencies'...but that doesn't mean they do not take notice...that they do not recognize when inconsistencies occur (I know I am highly sensitive to all patterns...behavioral or otherwise). Moreover, I think it is a bit odd...and perhaps dangerous to interpersonal relationships to assume that from those 'behavioral incosistences' you can accurately determine an individual's intent/motive. <--- I'm just mentioning this because here is where my relationship with an INFJ jumped-the-tracks. I can truthfully answer 'no' and 'absolutely not' to all of the questions you presented in your post (attempting to arrive at 'How You Earned Yourself A Doorslam')...and yet my INFJ thought I had. He created a big, elaborate story based off of his...super-human-ability to 'smell out inconsistencies in behavior'.

    LOL...and I have to add...'he done fucked-up'.

  4. #844
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    ...well, i'm not sure about the US but... i remember in my family's real estate business, where a few junkies settled in a vecant flat and turned it into something you can't show any potential resident, ijust called the police. if the property is on your name, you might not need much of a process to get it back.
    It is not the U.S. It is in both of our names. It is a very expensive and complex legal process. This is a very high end area. Both criminal and civil cases are extremely expensive and take some time. The fastest and easiest thing is to get her to meet in person at least once to hopefully get her to sign a mutually beneficial deal.

  5. #845
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    BalanceFind, I wish you luck. It sounds like you are dealing with an emotionally unhinged person and a narcissist, and that is incredibly difficult territory to navigate. (In fact, it's why some of us choose not to navigate it at all, by cutting off contact with the person- you don't have that luxury because of your financial entanglements.)

    For the record, I don't think it's possible to extrapolate typical INFJ behavior from that of an emotionally unhinged person or narcissist who may or may not be an INFJ (it's notoriously difficult/inadvisable to try to type the mentally ill). That is what has been bothering me about the tone lately in this thread.

  6. #846
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    So, question: is it a "doorslam" if you tell the person *why* you're cutting off contact?

    Like suppose I were to say to someone "I can't handle you doing _____ anymore. I'm going to have to steer clear of you if you don't stop." But instead of stopping, the person continues to argue why _______ shouldn't be a problem in the first place. Or they give a bunch of excuses for why they can't help it (which are clearly excuses). Or they deny doing _______ at all. They won't be honest about it because they don't want to stop. Is it a "doorslam" if I refuse to deal with the person from that point forward?


    I'm getting the impression that some people don't consider that a "doorslam".
    I'm not sure. But for me, if someone left me or my life, I would expect meeting in person, at least once, preferably multiple times to talk an listen on both sides. At some point a final decision and in person comversation happens.

    Anything is better than nothing, and I think the more attempts at clear mutual understanding the better. I think it is important that both sides understand and both sides are very clear of the situation.

    Your brief example seems rushed and one sided at first glance.

  7. #847
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    So I'm looking for different opinions here. Because if everyone is thinking that "doorslam" means there's absolutely no warning or attempt at explanation for what the problem behavior is, then I'm going to retract having said I doorslammed anyone as an adult. I assumed "doorslam" to mean cutting off contact and refusing to deal with someone.
    I believed door slam to be the same as you but That's just me. In the past I have stopped talking with some people or vice versa in my life but we both saw it coming and knew it was coming. In my current situation, I never saw it coming. Whether planned or impulsive, it feels covert, calculated, punishing. It feels as if the sneal attack surprise and continued disappearance is a deliberate punishment much different than someone that doesn't want to be in my life any longer ans moves on. It's very grandiose, dramatic, over the top. It's different, unique.

  8. #848
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    @Mane
    I'm really sorry to hear your story. I actually wrote avery long reply that disappeared because I timed out. I really hope things sort out with time. It's such a completely different, complex, intimate and multi leveled thing when it's a marriage. I was really just trying to make a point that INFJs don't go around habitually breaking off with people whenever there's a minor problem, without giving them explanations. This is obviously a very different thing. I'm really sorry to hear what a tough time it's been for you. I wish you all the best and take care!

    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I think it is a bit odd to...I don't know *assume* an INFJ can 'smell out inconsistencies in behavior' better than any other type. This is not some superhuman-magical-power or anything. Other types may choose not to focus on 'behavioral inconsistencies'...but that doesn't mean they do not take notice...that they do not recognize when inconsistencies occur (I know I am highly sensitive to all patterns...behavioral or otherwise). Moreover, I think it is a bit odd...and perhaps dangerous to interpersonal relationships to assume that from those 'behavioral incosistences' you can accurately determine an individual's intent/motive. <--- I'm just mentioning this because here is where my relationship with an INFJ jumped-the-tracks. I can truthfully answer 'no' and 'absolutely not' to all of the questions you presented in your post (attempting to arrive at 'How You Earned Yourself A Doorslam')...and yet my INFJ thought I had. He created a big, elaborate story based off of his...super-human-ability to 'smell out inconsistencies in behavior'.

    LOL...and I have to add...'he done fucked-up'.
    What I meant was that I and from what I've gathered other INFJs are pretty sensitive to noticing underlying dynamics in groups and relationships...when other's are lying or when there's foul play. That's what I meant. That's why the type descriptions usually mention that type of thing in them. "The almost supernatural ability to read people" yadda yadda...The reports for companies mentioning INFJs as being some kind of barometers for the general atmosphere in teams because we're the first to notice disharmony.
    I would say generally it's accurate and basically just a general talent or ability, like ENFPs generally having talent for creative thinking or acting (neurological studies show activity in a part of the brain which is responsible for the ability to mimic). It's just natural disposition. I don't think it makes anyone infallible. I'm totally guilty of sometimes reading too much into a simple situation. But then again there are often times I am right, when someone seems shady and they turn out to do something harmful. at work I'm very aware of how people group together and how those groups relate. If there's friction I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker because I'm much more sensitive to it than most people.
    Obviously the man just had poor judgement if that's the case. Maybe he projected his fears unto you. That's very sad.

  9. #849
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I don't understand that either. There are simply some people who fade out of my life, or that I have decided aren't a good match for me. There simply isn't enough room for absolutely everyone you meet over the course of a lifetime. Additionally, if I decide someone has a detrimental effect on me, it's only common sense that I would choose not to spend time with them and in some cases, not to even communicate with them.
    It depends on how close you are to the person and how often you speak. Some people mutually fade away but they are not people you know a long time, speak with a lot, very close relationship etc...

    How close is the relationship? has it faded away for years, a casual or decent friend, but no more? Or is it a close friend or spouse etc..?

    The people that have faded away from me or vice versa were not in my every day life. That is much different. if it is more than that t requirea to me at least, in person discussion back and forth until there is a clear understanding on both sides. You don't have to agree, just be very clear.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    So I'm looking for different opinions here. Because if everyone is thinking that "doorslam" means there's absolutely no warning or attempt at explanation for what the problem behavior is, then I'm going to retract having said I doorslammed anyone as an adult. I assumed "doorslam" to mean cutting off contact and refusing to deal with someone.
    Quote Originally Posted by wedekit View Post
    I'm also guilty of not sharing with them why I choose not to associate myself with them anymore. If I don't want to let them back in then I don't see a reason to discuss with them why I am angry.

    @Z Buck McFate

    Since, as you know, I was totally confused last night…because I had always thought a key feature of the doorslam was a sense that it came out-of-the-blue and was not accompanied by an explanation… I started going through this thread and a couple of others I am aware of to try and arrive at a conclusion. And frankly that was a huge mess. Me…attempting to multiple quote…cut & paste…use word to keep track of it all… It was a disaster.

    The quote above from wedekit is just the first of several appearing in this thread that seem to hint at the ‘no warning - no explanation provided’ theory…but it’s not necessarily the whole story.

    The gist of it seemed to be that many (I would almost say most really but I may be bias here) INFJs did not provide a warning or explanation prior to a doorslam…on a ‘they should have known’ basis. Some INFJs did seem to imply that they gave a warning of… ‘If you continue to do A – I will do B’ < --- but not a lot. It did appear though that nearly all of the doorslammies seemed to, at least, experience the doorslam as coming out-of-the-blue. There were a few that admitted to actually doing something unkind or inappropriate... But most seemed to be surprised by it (unsure as to what had happened) which is probably why it is experienced as being shocking/traumatizing.

    All and all...I don't really know what the above is pointing towards. But I at least I tried I did try to figure it out LOL.

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