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  1. #821
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    So, question: is it a "doorslam" if you tell the person *why* you're cutting off contact?

    Like suppose I were to say to someone "I can't handle you doing _____ anymore. I'm going to have to steer clear of you if you don't stop." But instead of stopping, the person continues to argue why _______ shouldn't be a problem in the first place. Or they give a bunch of excuses for why they can't help it (which are clearly excuses). Or they deny doing _______ at all. They won't be honest about it because they don't want to stop. Is it a "doorslam" if I refuse to deal with the person from that point forward?


    I'm getting the impression that some people don't consider that a "doorslam".
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  2. #822
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    So, question: is it a "doorslam" if you tell the person *why* you're cutting off contact?

    Like suppose I were to say to someone "I can't handle you doing _____ anymore. I'm going to have to steer clear of you if you don't stop." But instead of stopping, the person continues to argue why _______ shouldn't be a problem in the first place. Or they give a bunch of excuses for why they can't help it (which are clearly excuses). Or they deny doing _______ at all. They won't be honest about it because they don't want to stop. Is it a "doorslam" if I refuse to deal with the person from that point forward?


    I'm getting the impression that some people don't consider that a "doorslam".
    i think it depends on what happens after: are you just not contacting them, are you simply not meeting with them physically but still respond if they call or email, or are you blocking them from contacting you and providing you with any new information, are you just taking a period of time off until you are more emotioanly distant and can deal with potential new information?

    as far as i'm concerned its the complete blocking of information that defines that thing we've being calling a doorslam, the choice of willful self-imposed ignorance regarding any choice that impacts anyone other then yourself. the rest i can understand, even respect, but that...

  3. #823
    Awake Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    as far as i'm concerned its the complete blocking of information that defines that thing we've being calling a doorslam, the choice of willful self-imposed ignorance regarding any choice that impacts anyone other then yourself. the rest i can understand, even respect, but that...
    I understand what you are saying Mane...but are you talking before...or after...explanations and good-byes? If the blocking of information comes before...that is a doorslam. After...and that is just the end of relationship right?

  4. #824
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    So I'm looking for different opinions here. Because if everyone is thinking that "doorslam" means there's absolutely no warning or attempt at explanation for what the problem behavior is, then I'm going to retract having said I doorslammed anyone as an adult. I assumed "doorslam" to mean cutting off contact and refusing to deal with someone.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  5. #825
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    I understand what you are saying Mane...but are you talking before...or after...explanations and good-byes? If the blocking of information comes before...that is a doorslam. After...and that is just the end of relationship right?
    regardless - its potential meaning can change, but for it's value, it doesn't matter when the information is formed, concluded, realized or resolved. the nature of the relationship changes - you don't need to kill a person mentally or force some pretend reality onto yourself (and possibly others around you) in which they dont exist. and seriously, expecting the rest of the world to follow and revolve around your own internal emotional scheduales and deadlines? as an adult?

  6. #826
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    I'm just trying to get my head around this. In your opinion, people are not allowed to decide not to be involved with other people? Once you've formed a relationship, you're obligated to keep the lines open in some fashion with that person or you're guilty of "killing them mentally?"

  7. #827
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    I can't remember at this point how "doorslam" was defined earlier with regards to this. But if the person who "chooses ignorance" is actually the person who wants to keep communicating- and they basically want to relentlessly keep communicating their own ignorance, in spite of being given a warning and being told what the problem is- I was under the impression that refusing to put up with their bullshit still fell under the parameters of "doorslam". But if it's only a "doorslam" if the person gives absolutely no indication there's even a problem or refuses to communicate the problem before disappearing, then I'm not sure my arguments in the latter half of this thread apply.

    [edit:] Some comments made in the other thread SR started got me thinking about this- earlier on in the thread I think it was made clear, but I can't remember. The comments in the other thread lead me to believe people think "doorslam" implies absolutely no warning or attempts at communicating the problem (which- if the person is close- I agree is irresponsible).
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  8. #828
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't understand that either. There are simply some people who fade out of my life, or that I have decided aren't a good match for me. There simply isn't enough room for absolutely everyone you meet over the course of a lifetime. Additionally, if I decide someone has a detrimental effect on me, it's only common sense that I would choose not to spend time with them and in some cases, not to even communicate with them.

  9. #829
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Z Buck, that's not the definition of a doorslam I've been working under, either, and I think I've been very clear about that. Sounds like a huge to me.

  10. #830
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I don't understand that either. There are simply some people who fade out of my life, or that I have decided aren't a good match in my life. There simply isn't enough room for absolutely everyone you meet over the course of a lifetime. Additionally, if I decide someone has a detrimental effect on me, I think it is only common sense that I would choose not to spend time with them and in some cases, even communicate with them.
    And yeah, that's another thing, what was said in that thread about just sort of letting a friendship fade that wasn't close to begin with- even if it's done intentionally- I don't see that as a doorslam either. It's not a doorslam if the other person 'gets the hint' and things fade.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

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