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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #811
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I just find it very bizarre that throughout this thread, there seems to be a trend for the INFJs to write a long well thought out post which does (to the best of their ability) address the topic at hand...and then 95% of it is ignored and what will be picked up on by the ENTPs is one tiny thing not even particularly relevant to the thrust of the post - like "no you're wrong, she wasn't pregnant when we got together. the end". Or "gosh, that INFJ went out with an ESTJ. The end." Everything else that was actually relevant or interesting to the topic at hand just gets ignored.

    I asked earlier if there was a possibility that the INFJs in these relationships didn't feel heard. I don't think that was ever responded to. But I sure don't feel heard by the ENTPs who I have been conversing with in this thread.
    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    @BalanceFind: I just took some time to read through some of your original posts about this situation as I had not done so previously. As others have suggested, it seems like you are sort of stuck focusing on this situation, trying to figure it out and not moving forward too much except for starting legal proceedings. Being really emotionally traumatized by someone can do that to you. Perhaps it would be good to consider seeing a psychologist to talk about your situation if you haven't yet done so. Also, taking an anti-depressant could help prevent excessive thinking about what the INFJ did to you/how she is feeling now and help you to move forward if you feel that is an issue.
    I'm okay but thanks. This is just one part of my life. Going back there for the first time was very difficult but good for me. I will be doing it again soon. But after that, this will somehow have to become a backburner issue for me for several months. That will be challenging, especially considering I still will be going back and forth to the other country.

    Much of my attention to this matter has been strategy and attempts to get this person to meet in person to sign some papers to help me (and her).

    I feel like a lot has happened since my original posts, a lot of time and events. I am much different now than then.

    For now and for a while how I feel will depend on everything else in my life, some good days and some tough days. Once in a while there will be a really good day or a really bad day.

    It isn't just not having her around daily which is pretty big, and it isn't just about the way she did it which is pretty big. Her doing this destroyed years of hard work and planning. It has hurt innocent 3rd parties greatly. It has forced a lot of changes multiple people who didn't deserve it.

    I don't think anything but time will prevent excessive thinking about it. Time and other successes in my life, some of which will take time because of her actions.

    Thankfully other aspects of my life are pretty healthy. Waiting around isn't something one would choose first when in my situation. Coming here can give me different perspectives and can also allow me to interact with and help others too which has some therapeutic benefits too. I did underestimate how difficult it would be to get that in person meeting.

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    that was awesome - @BalanceFind... really well articulated, i lot of it applied to what i went through...@Intricate Mystic - your just going on admitting and being aware of things i noticed my exwife did without awareness...

    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    Well, my NT ex had a tendency to not validate my feelings or way of thinking. This became toxic to me over the long-haul both emotionally and health-wise. I think NTs can gauge emotional states but may not give them the importance they should from an NF's perspective.
    i know of myself and other ENTPs having somewhat of a delayed emotional reaction - for at least a large number of us, if we don't feel we understand the situation or know which of the Ne possibilities it actually is - we will often not know how we feel. INFJs - at least mine - seem to be very quick to feel. this can leave an ENTP beweilded - he's not validating your feelings because for him without a better understanding there isn't anything to feel about yet (other then a sense confusion), and he doesn't understand yet that this isn't the case for everyone else. for an ENTP/INFJ relationship, you sort of need to adapt empathy to roll before you understand what your empathizing with, and that takes a lot of practice, because in order for it to be genuine, you need to basically say to yourself - their situation is what they are feeling right now - treat it as it is". and in the end of the day, their are going to be velidations that you'll take back, feelings built on assumptions that where simply wrong to began with. we all have them, we all make mistakes in understanding situations throughout our lives - there's no shame in that.

    also, your Se idea might work... and thank you, i might consider this, but the level of awareness in which you described being consciously oblivious...i am almost inclined towards an alternative solution (giving you my exwife's skype information to guide her into better emotional health in which she could reconsider her choices).

  3. #813
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I'm okay but thanks. This is just one part of my life.
    actually.... may i suggest talking to an ENFP? i started talking to a therapist which i think is an ENFP after the seperation - and she, using her magical Ne-Fi powers, has extrapolated on the persona i described to her when i was consumed by my anger and judging my exwife very negatively (much more then now), only for me to see her extrapolation and realize: hey, that isn't the person i just spent my last few years with...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    that was awesome - @BalanceFind... really well articulated, i lot of it applied to what i went through...@Intricate Mystic - your just going on admitting and being aware of things i noticed my exwife did without awareness...

    i know of myself and other ENTPs having somewhat of a delayed emotional reaction - for at least a large number of us, if we don't feel we understand the situation or know which of the Ne possibilities it actually is - we will often not know how we feel. INFJs - at least mine - seem to be very quick to feel. this can leave an ENTP beweilded - he's not validating your feelings because for him without a better understanding there isn't anything to feel about yet (other then a sense confusion), and he doesn't understand yet that this isn't the case for everyone else. for an ENTP/INFJ relationship, you sort of need to adapt empathy to roll before you understand what your empathizing with, and that takes a lot of practice, because in order for it to be genuine, you need to basically say to yourself - their situation is what they are feeling right now - treat it as it is". and in the end of the day, their are going to be velidations that you'll take back, feelings built on assumptions that where simply wrong to began with. we all have them, we all make mistakes in understanding situations throughout our lives - there's no shame in that.

    also, your Se idea might work... and thank you, i might consider this, but the level of awareness in which you described being consciously oblivious...i am almost inclined towards an alternative solution (giving you my exwife's skype information to guide her into better emotional health in which she could reconsider her choices).
    That's quite interesting. It seems like a lot of work, though, having to empathize when you don't really feel it or understand it (in the moment) yourself. I guess that's actually sympathy rather than empathy.

    The thought of potentially skyping your exwife makes me feel a bit uncomfortable since we haven't met.

    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I'm okay but thanks. This is just one part of my life. Going back there for the first time was very difficult but good for me. I will be doing it again soon. But after that, this will somehow have to become a backburner issue for me for several months. That will be challenging, especially considering I still will be going back and forth to the other country.

    Much of my attention to this matter has been strategy and attempts to get this person to meet in person to sign some papers to help me (and her).

    I feel like a lot has happened since my original posts, a lot of time and events. I am much different now than then.

    For now and for a while how I feel will depend on everything else in my life, some good days and some tough days. Once in a while there will be a really good day or a really bad day.

    It isn't just not having her around daily which is pretty big, and it isn't just about the way she did it which is pretty big. Her doing this destroyed years of hard work and planning. It has hurt innocent 3rd parties greatly. It has forced a lot of changes multiple people who didn't deserve it.

    I don't think anything but time will prevent excessive thinking about it. Time and other successes in my life, some of which will take time because of her actions.

    Thankfully other aspects of my life are pretty healthy. Waiting around isn't something one would choose first when in my situation. Coming here can give me different perspectives and can also allow me to interact with and help others too which has some therapeutic benefits too. I did underestimate how difficult it would be to get that in person meeting.
    It's great that you feel some progress has been made. This sort of thing does take time and healing tends to happen on a time-scale that can't be imposed by other people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    That's quite interesting. It seems like a lot of work, though, having to empathize when you don't really feel it or understand it (in the moment) yourself. I guess that's actually sympathy rather than empathy.
    yes, that's it - do you feel your feelings could have being velidated with sympathy rather then empathy?

    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    The thought of potentially skyping your exwife makes me feel a bit uncomfortable since we haven't met.
    right, it wouldn't work... no. we'd need you going completely under cover, move you to canada, pull some strings to get you hired in the same department of the same company... pretend that your into gaming and weed and D&D and other dorky things... we'd need...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    actually.... may i suggest talking to an ENFP? i started talking to a therapist which i think is an ENFP after the seperation - and she, using her magical Ne-Fi powers, has extrapolated on the persona i described to her when i was consumed by my anger and judging my exwife very negatively (much more then now), only for me to see her extrapolation and realize: hey, that isn't the person i just spent my last few years with...
    I am not sure what it says about me or not, but as a kid and as a young adult, my favorite coaches, teachers, and mentors were healthy Enfp types.

    I am not in a financial position to add that to my expenses now, but I will in the future. And counselors are very hit and miss. I suppose I respond to the type that can listen well objectively, with a softer edge, but can also give productive positive feedback too and not just listen.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    yes, that's it - do you feel your feelings could have being validated with sympathy rather then empathy?
    Empathy is ideal, of course, but it's not always possible to empathize with others because you may have never been in their particular situation. Sympathy is helpful, too, and could have been validating. More acknowledgements by my NT that he realized I was genuinely upset about something and cared that I was feeling distressed would have made our relationship much stronger. Also, given that INFJs are sometimes referred to as "the Counselors" receiving the same in kind from others tends to be appreciated, I think. INFJs often may spend time listening to others and being supportive so it's pretty nice to receive that in return from someone. In addition, I've read that INFJs need to verbalize their thoughts to help them figure out how they are feeling about something/make decisions. That's certainly true in my case. Having someone just listen and NOT try to solve problems/offer solutions unless I ask for help is what I need. As a side note, this verbal expression of whatever's churning in my head on a given day is really important for me to have intimate relations with my SO. Let me talk it all out and I will be much more open to sexy time....it makes a huge difference.

    right, it wouldn't work... no. we'd need you going completely under cover, move you to canada, pull some strings to get you hired in the same department of the same company... pretend that your into gaming and weed and D&D and other dorky things... we'd need...
    Lol....this is what I love about ENTPs. That would be awesome. It would take quite a bit of acting on my part to pull off the gamer-weed-D&D identity, though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Intricate Mystic View Post
    In addition, I've read that INFJs need to verbalize their thoughts to help them figure out how they are feeling about something/make decisions. That's certainly true in my case. Having someone just listen and NOT try to solve problems/offer solutions unless I ask for help is what I need. As a side note, this verbal expression of whatever's churning in my head on a given day is really important for me to have intimate relations with my SO. Let me talk it all out and I will be much more open to sexy time....it makes a huge difference.
    i think i know what you mean. i remember at some point talking about her work friends, when she told me how she felt about something and i asked her how her co-workers reacted, she gave me the "i can't believe you don't know this about me" look and told me she doesn't usually share what she feels and thinks openly, that i just make her want to share... the thing is, i've only known her as someone who does. it was difficult for me to grasp how introverted she is with everyone else - when we went out social her and the her that i knew where so distinctly different on so many levels, my gut reaction was "where did my wife go?"...

    but i hear what your saying - i need the same, less so with my feelings, more so intellectually to process my thoughts and ideas... there was a point where my exwife became extremely argumentive with any idea i had, which would have being fine if it was after she listened, but i couldn't finish describing them, it reached the point where she would disagree with the metaphor i am trying to describe it with before i actually reach what i am trying to say, and when i talked to her about that she thought the demand for patiance was unreasonable, it didn't feel for her "organic" enough... i remember a distinct moment of realizing: i can't share raw thoughts as they come to my head anymore, i can show her the finished products and she'd like them and find them interesting, but i can do that with anyone.

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    [QUOTE=Intricate Mystic;1818030]Empathy is ideal, of course, but it's not always possible to empathize with others because you may have never been in their particular situation. Sympathy is helpful, too, and could have been validating. More acknowledgements by my NT that he realized I was genuinely upset about something and cared that I was feeling distressed would have made our relationship much stronger. Also, given that INFJs are sometimes referred to as "the Counselors" receiving the same in kind from others tends to be appreciated, I think. INFJs often may spend time listening to others and being supportive so it's pretty nice to receive that in return from someone. In addition, I've read that INFJs need to verbalize their thoughts to help them figure out how they are feeling about something/make decisions. That's certainly true in my case. Having someone just listen and NOT try to solve problems/offer solutions unless I ask for help is what I need. As a side note, this verbal expression of whatever's churning in my head on a given day is really important for me to have intimate relations with my SO. Let me talk it all out and I will be much more open to sexy time....it makes a huge difference.

    I just go to different people for different things or expect different things from different people.

    It's a challenge for an Entp/Enfp to just listen and nothing else, for example. We solve problems. It's part of what we do and who we are as people. However, when higher developed, and/or higher functioning, we are aware enough to relate to the other person based on his/her type and wants, needs. An Isfj often times for example, wants to vent, gain supportive agreement and listen, but not too much else. That goes against the grain for Entp/Enfp types.

    For me I respond best to someone with strong listening skills, who has a good balance of other things too, thinking and feeling, talking and listening, understanding and directive. Infj's I have known have made great counselors.

    In my situation now, I am just seeking anything constructive and positive because despite my best efforts, I cannot get what I want or need right now, my money. That's hard to obtain and find, as my situation is pretty cut and dry. My money is what will solve most of my, and, more importantly to me, other people's problems in this situation. I am also interested in closure, peaceful interactions, and those things too, with her, but definitely as a secondary goal to my first goal.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I cannot get what I want or need right now, my money. That's hard to obtain and find, as my situation is pretty cut and dry.
    ...well, i'm not sure about the US but... i remember in my family's real estate business, where a few junkies settled in a vecant flat and turned it into something you can't show any potential resident, ijust called the police. if the property is on your name, you might not need much of a process to get it back.

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