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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by lithasblot View Post
    I am the suffering victim of an INFJ doorslam right now. My crime? Expressed that I was having some 'feelings'... prior to that, we were up to daily visits (we work together) and hundreds of emails.

    It hurts because I have been given no explanation. I'm an ENFP so I, of course, think it's my fault and feel terrible and would walk on water to fix it. I'm trying to give time and space and only address work related issues.

    But it sucks. Hurts.
    Aw. Sorry to hear that. It's not your fault! It might be best to give it some time, maybe they need to think things through and formulate a proper explanation. I hope everything works out for you.

  2. #72
    Senior Member Array alexx's Avatar
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    I just doorslammed an INFJ.

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  3. #73
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by alexx View Post
    I just doorslammed an INFJ.
    :yim_rolling_on_the_


  4. #74
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    I am close to doorslamming right back... I feel like saying, "Hey, you're not the only one who's sensitive here." But, instead, here I am on this forum trying to understand rather than value my own pain and protecting myself. It is hard for me to doorslam; I am too forgiving, I guess.

  5. #75
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lithasblot View Post
    I am the suffering victim of an INFJ doorslam right now. My crime? Expressed that I was having some 'feelings'... prior to that, we were up to daily visits (we work together) and hundreds of emails.

    It hurts because I have been given no explanation. I'm an ENFP so I, of course, think it's my fault and feel terrible and would walk on water to fix it. I'm trying to give time and space and only address work related issues.

    But it sucks. Hurts.
    First of all...I'm sorry.

    Secondly, at least for myself.. I'm one who has a pretty solid internal definition of all of my relationships: For example, 'just friends', 'work person', or 'romantic interest' could be some. I basically need that solidity so I know how to interact with the person. Once I've decided the category, I am more comfortable knowing how to operate or what the relationship is about. I'm pretty uncomfortable with nebulous relationships and just 'seeing what happens' - thus I create the definition in my head pretty early on.

    With what you describe... sounds like she may not have seen you at all in a romantic/feeling way, so when you expressed your feelings, she probably panicked and now needs to spend some time rebuilding everything in her mind. Her old structure is completely destroyed and now she needs to incorporate this new 'data', if you will. She's probably doing some pretty serious introspecting now - I think you probably completely caught her off guard and she has to redefine the relationship in her head, and may also be beating herself up if she had been viewing the relationship in an entirely different light, thinking you were on the same page as her, and when she learned you weren't, she's questioning all of it now. Well, that's one possibility. Could be others of course.

    How long ago was this?
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  6. #76
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    Thank you for your reply. It was about two months ago.

    What you say makes sense... I've been thinking that I must just suck. But that doesn't jive with all the times I got told how awesome I am. To me, the doorslam feels like this: I am awesome, amazing one day, pariah the next.

    I like what you said about needing time to incorporate the new data. And maybe to her it feels kind of like a betrayal... a trusted friend reveals there are more romantic feelings there? That must feel like losing a friend, I guess. How do you relate to that person from that point forward? If your (from the INFJ's perspective) version of good friendship feels intimate and relationship-y to the ENFP (me), that must suck to realize you're not on the same page, and a loss for the INFJ as well.

    I think it might also hurt to watch your ENFP friend keep smiling and spending time with a wide range of other people, laughing and having a good time. I want to shout, "But I have to! I'm crying inside! I have more feelings for you than you can return!" But that's a loss to her in the intimate friendship department.

    So maybe the hurt is going both ways.

  7. #77
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lithasblot View Post
    Thank you for your reply. It was about two months ago.

    What you say makes sense... I've been thinking that I must just suck. But that doesn't jive with all the times I got told how awesome I am. To me, the doorslam feels like this: I am awesome, amazing one day, pariah the next.

    I like what you said about needing time to incorporate the new data. And maybe to her it feels kind of like a betrayal... a trusted friend reveals there are more romantic feelings there? That must feel like losing a friend, I guess. How do you relate to that person from that point forward? If your (from the INFJ's perspective) version of good friendship feels intimate and relationship-y to the ENFP (me), that must suck to realize you're not on the same page, and a loss for the INFJ as well.

    I think it might also hurt to watch your ENFP friend keep smiling and spending time with a wide range of other people, laughing and having a good time. I want to shout, "But I have to! I'm crying inside! I have more feelings for you than you can return!" But that's a loss to her in the intimate friendship department.

    So maybe the hurt is going both ways.
    I think that you're probably not the only one hurting - especially since you said before you were communicating a LOT, daily, and were really close.

    For myself, being on the same page is SO, SO important. I get super stressed if I sense we're on different pages, and I always try to get things back on the same page. Otherwise it just doesn't seem fair, to know one person sees the whole relationship in a different light than the other. (But typically I try to prevent all of this by trying to ensure we're on the same page right from the beginning..and I don't go into things if I sense we're not.)

    I don't think you're to blame, at all... and I would be surprised if she's blaming you. She's probably hurt, as well as upset at having lost a friend (in her eyes). Again, might be bashing herself, blaming herself just as much as you're blaming yourself.

    2 months.. well, that's a pretty good bit of time if you haven't communicated the entire time. *May* not hurt just to send a quick note or something and try to explain, but in the end, if you still have deep feelings, and she doesn't, the possibility of a 'True' Friendship might be difficult and she may be thinking that it's no longer possible. This is all guesswork, though.

    Anyway, sorry again. These things can be so hard! Sigh.
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  8. #78
    Cat Wench Array ReadingRainbows's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Arclight View Post
    I had a relationship with an INFJ

    Everything was great until I realised how much she was manipulating me.
    This is not to say I didn't/don't have my own problems that affected her.
    but after much turbulence I broke up with her which we BOTH agreed was the right thing to do at the time.
    But as I pulled away to heal she became more and more upset.
    Her whole perception of things began to radically change.
    My strengths became flaws, My love a trick, my understanding of her became my sudden ability to mind read and influence her.My generosity a means to control her, our similarities were me just mimicking her etc..

    She doorslamed me to not face herself, which I had become quite adept at confronting her with.

    She told to me talk to a specific INFJ if I wanted to understand what she was thinking and feeling.. However this particular INFJ did not at all understand her actions.. or to be more precise .. totally did

    Her words were

    "Well, it doesn't even matter what I've been told by you. You really haven't even said anything bad about her - you have just sent me to her posts to have me read them and see if I can understand her well enough to explain her to you."

    "I would try as hard as hell to get over her and run as far away as you can.
    Everything I read was just a bundle of projection. It was clear as day. She displays an extreme lack of empathy and selfishness.

    To me, it looks as if the guilt from subconsciously being a major part in the ruin of her relationship has caused her to publicly blame you in order to receive affirmation from others and feel better about herself. If she can make herself believe that she did nothing wrong, and if she can place all of the blame on you, then she can be free of any guilt. It does not look as if she consciously feels the guilt. I believe that she is doing this entirely subconsciously. So she can tell her side of the story, and only her side, to a room full of people who think they are better than everyone else simply because of an ability to "see" into people, and they will understand her from that perspective. She can receive the support she needs to push her guilt into the farthest depths of her subconscious where it will only cause her further turmoil and anguish. It is difficult to get rid of problems if one is not aware of them. But it is also difficult to be aware of one's problems and to deal with them. She has chosen the former, and the pattern will continue".


    So INFJs of the world.. what do make of this? what Kind of a doorslam is this.?
    Is this normal?
    For an immature INFJ, yes, very normal. Her loss.
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  9. #79
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    For myself, being on the same page is SO, SO important. I get super stressed if I sense we're on different pages, and I always try to get things back on the same page. Otherwise it just doesn't seem fair, to know one person sees the whole relationship in a different light than the other. (But typically I try to prevent all of this by trying to ensure we're on the same page right from the beginning..and I don't go into things if I sense we're not.)
    I've just been journaling for the past hour and a half about the doorslam, going into a lengthy tangent about how important it is for me to be on the same page with someone. I really, really need someone else's behavior to make sense to me. I sometimes obsess about details until pieces fit together correctly. I decided to take a little break from the journaling and see if anything interesting was being posted- and saw this post about the importance of being on the same page. Funny, that. If only because- while I was writing it- I was wondering about the extent to which it might just be me. Point being: it's definitely a huge part of the doorslam problem for me as well.
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  10. #80
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    If I understand cascadeco and Buck right, it seems that I too think the same way. From time to time, I will withdraw from some friend / bunch of people because I feel that the boundaries need to be well-defined. I'll constantly think, 'who am I FOR you?' or is it 'Who am I TO you?'

    Am I just a convenient Big Listening Ear? Am I "just a weekend friend"? Am I just someone you pull along when you need company?

    I need to know what is expected of me and whether I am willing to deliver that on my own terms and not have it squeezed/weaselled out of me.

    Hope I make sense.

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