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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #711
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I just find it very bizarre that throughout this thread, there seems to be a trend for the INFJs to write a long well thought out post which does (to the best of their ability) address the topic at hand...and then 95% of it is ignored and what will be picked up on by the ENTPs is one tiny thing not even particularly relevant to the thrust of the post - like "no you're wrong, she wasn't pregnant when we got together. the end". Or "gosh, that INFJ went out with an ESTJ. The end." Everything else that was actually relevant or interesting to the topic at hand just gets ignored.

    I asked earlier if there was a possibility that the INFJs in these relationships didn't feel heard. I don't think that was ever responded to. But I sure don't feel heard by the ENTPs who I have been conversing with in this thread.
    I don't have any interest in having a problem with you or with anyone here. I will tell you a few things that may or may not help your clarity with me and only me.

    To me you are an individual first, type comes after. To me this isn't a turf war. This is not the infj's house and I am not a guest. Just as to me an Entp board or thread is not where an Infj is a guest.

    If you want to be heard, speak. If you want to be heard by me specifically, speak specifically to me and it is likely you will be listened to and words equally exchanged on both sides...as long as both were doing so in a respectful manner.

    I can and will only speak for myself. I am an individual first. I get it. You are a 6w5, which in my experience has not been infj. But I understand your group first mentality approach. I don't approach things that way. Everyone hear is equally respected by me as an individual, for simply existing.

    Good luck to you.

  2. #712
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I don't have any interest in having a problem with you or with anyone here. I will tell you a few things that may or may not help your clarity with me and only me.

    To me you are an individual first, type comes after. To me this isn't a turf war. This is not the infj's house and I am not a guest. Just as to me an Entp board or thread is not where an Infj is a guest.

    If you want to be heard, speak. If you want to be heard by me specifically, speak specifically to me and it is likely you will be listened to and words equally exchanged on both sides...as long as both were doing so in a respectful manner.

    I can and will only speak for myself. I am an individual first. I get it. You are a 6w5, which in my experience has not been infj. But I understand your group first mentality approach. I don't approach things that way. Everyone hear is equally respected by me as an individual, for simply existing.

    Good luck to you.
    There has been a lot of massive generalizing about INFJs and our hideous doorslamming propensities in this thread and "we" (ie. the INFJs on this board who have commented on this thread) have been accused of having a herd mentality, effectively.

    I think you may also need to take that into account before you suggest that I don't view myself as an individual (funny) or if you wonder why "us INFJs" in this thread do not feel heard - in fact, pretty much everyone who has wandered into this thread, INFJ or otherwise, has noted that there is a definite lecturing tone. I think the point of not feeling heard or not having points addressed is very valid and you will find that it constantly recurs if you go back and read through this thread.

    Asking for advice, and then ignoring what others say when they genuinely try to help, or cherry-picking and taking things out of context, is not a good way to get polite dialogue going. You're going to find that you piss off a lot of people that way and that is effectively what has happened in this thread. It's incredibly dismissive and rude to write page-long lectures and then when people put some effort into a page-long reply, to ignore virtually all of what has been said - because it doesn't jive with your agenda, or whatever.

    I do realise that you're trying to insult me by picking up my e-type and saying "well you're reacting that way because of your type 6 and the fact that you're the Borg, not an individual." If you'd like to share your e-type with me I can come up with some irrelevant insult that I feel applies to you.
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  3. #713
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Well, I don't know if you asked yourself why the INFJs in this thread have dropped out one by one... Did you read what any of them had to say?
    yes i have, and it has done wonders to 'discredit' my growing opinion that many if not most (given that from at least from the local outspoken population there has only being one exception who has admited that this was originally the case for her too), INFJs can have an exceptionally difficult time developing the introspective ability to face their own character flaws, faults or anything negative said about their own actions regardless of how talented they find themselves to be in doing so to others.

  4. #714
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    There has been a lot of massive generalizing about INFJs and our hideous doorslamming propensities in this thread and "we" (ie. the INFJs on this board who have commented on this thread) have been accused of having a herd mentality, effectively.

    I think you may also need to take that into account before you suggest that I don't view myself as an individual (funny) or if you wonder why "us INFJs" in this thread do not feel heard - in fact, pretty much everyone who has wandered into this thread, INFJ or otherwise, has noted that there is a definite lecturing tone. I think the point of not feeling heard or not having points addressed is very valid and you will find that it constantly recurs if you go back and read through this thread.

    Asking for advice, and then ignoring what others say when they genuinely try to help, or cherry-picking and taking things out of context, is not a good way to get polite dialogue going. You're going to find that you piss off a lot of people that way and that is effectively what has happened in this thread. It's incredibly dismissive and rude to write page-long lectures and then when people put some effort into a page-long reply, to ignore virtually all of what has been said - because it doesn't jive with your agenda, or whatever.

    I do realise that you're trying to insult me by picking up my e-type and saying "well you're reacting that way because of your type 6 and the fact that you're the Borg, not an individual." If you'd like to share your e-type with me I can come up with some irrelevant insult that I feel applies to you.
    I'm very easy to talk with. If you are unsure ask, don't assume.

    Had you read this thread as you have chastized others for not always doing so, you'd already know my e type. I have shared it repeatedly. I am an 8 both wings. I am an Entp who is very much in touch with my feeling side too.

    I've been extremely upfront about my agenda here. I came here to help myself, and in return have been willing to offer my help to anyone directly or indirectly.

    I thought getting the various perspectives of a wide range of both infj and non infj types here would help me better understand my situation, and moreso, how to proceed in my situation, to achieve my desired results. It's been a wide an interesting mix of people and posts, as I had expected and hoped.

    I have not read every post here. I try to read as many as I can, and i read some with more interest than others. Much of my reading and posting has come from my phone which partly explains some if my typos that otherwise I generally would not have as much of on here.

    If there is something specific to me, my posts, my situation that you want to ask or exchange comment on, go ahead. Or if there is something else about your situation you want to discuss, great.

    As for generalities, well, I think some people write more or longer than others. I think sometimes people are busy, sometimes they don't think they have anything else to add to the topics.

  5. #715
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I'm very easy to talk with. If you are unsure ask, don't assume.

    Had you read this thread as you have chastized others for not always doing so, you'd already know my e type. I have shared it repeatedly. I am an 8 both wings. I am an Entp who is very much in touch with my feeling side too.

    I've been extremely upfront about my agenda here. I came here to help myself, and in return have been willing to offer my help to anyone directly or indirectly.

    I thought getting the various perspectives of a wide range of both infj and non infj types here would help me better understand my situation, and moreso, how to proceed in my situation, to achieve my desired results. It's been a wide an interesting mix of people and posts, as I had expected and hoped.

    I have not read every post here. I try to read as many as I can, and i read some with more interest than others. Much of my reading and posting has come from my phone which partly explains some if my typos that otherwise I generally would not have as much of on here.

    If there is something specific to me, my posts, my situation that you want to ask or exchange comment on, go ahead. Or if there is something else about your situation you want to discuss, great.

    As for generalities, well, I think some people write more or longer than others. I think sometimes people are busy, sometimes they don't think they have anything else to add to the topics.
    Ok. I take your points. I have just felt as though I am banging my head against the wall by participating in this thread. And it appears that a fair few people, of various types, have felt similarly.
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  6. #716
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I asked earlier if there was a possibility that the INFJs in these relationships didn't feel heard. I don't think that was ever responded to. But I sure don't feel heard by the ENTPs who I have been conversing with in this thread.
    is there anything specific that you - silkroad - feel i haven't heard you about?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    is there anything specific that you - silkroad - feel i haven't heard you about?
    I don't know if "haven't heard" is actually the most accurate way to put it.

    It's just that you've urged INFJs to see the perspective of others, so much. And yet, when I try to describe how a "doorslam" is likely to have followed an awful lot of trying to see the perspective of the other person, and trying to share your own - and that the doorslam is in part because the other person refuses to see that in an equal relationship everyone's rights have to be taken under consideration - it's been repeatedly dismissed or described as special pleading. To the extent that I feel like I've been punching the air.

    I, and others, have described in detail how we've tried to fix relationships, or to do our part in fixing them - not without making our own mistakes, obviously - but how in some cases things have not proved fixable, partly because the other person repeatedly infringes on my rights, or overwhelms me even when given specific pointers on how NOT to overwhelm me, or disregards my feelings severely and repeatedly, or demonstrates that their approach to the relationship (whatever its nature) is utterly incompatible with my own - etc.

    And it seems like, according to you, none of that is valid when coming from "INFJs" and it just proves that we've got blind spots far more hideous than those of any other type. Because the only thing that IS valid is bending over backwards and breaking yourself in half to try and accommodate the other person's perspective - even if they are doing nothing of the kind for you. And all too often in this thread the only thing that gets "heard" is what confirms your current bad view of "INFJs" and "INFJ doorslams" (all of which, apparently, fall under one and the same umbrella.)
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  8. #718
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    Re-connecting with door slammers varies widely. I have read a lot from infj's here about leaving the door open sometimes. The problem with that is for some, it's too late.
    I'm glad you brought this up. My dear friend Z Buck and I were actually talking about this very thing. And I want you to know that WE were talking about it BEFORE you mentioned it...haha...I'm totally kidding. I mean, I'm not...but it doesn't matter does it now and I'm just being weird haha.

    Z Buck is eloquent...while my vocabulary leaves something to be desired (oh no @Eilonwy)...and I'm never really capable of saying what I want to say...but I did start to suspect that some of the reaction we are seeing in this thread from ENPs...comes from a place of total panic. You see...we are not capable of moving forward when there are loose-ends. I mean...it just really isn't in us to do so. And so if the loose-end isn't addressed in a way that makes us feel comfortable moving forward...the only thing we can do is to completely close ourselves off emotionally (shit mentally, spiritually as well) to the other individual and pretend 'it' never happened. And when it comes to people we care about...well this is where the panic comes from. It is almost like...'you don't know what you are asking me to do'. You are asking me to completely erase you from my existance and I am reluctant to do that. It is weird to me to consider WE are the real doorslammers in the bunch.

  9. #719
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I'm very easy to talk with. If you are unsure ask, don't assume.

    Had you read this thread as you have chastized others for not always doing so, you'd already know my e type. I have shared it repeatedly. I am an 8 both wings. I am an Entp who is very much in touch with my feeling side too.

    I've been extremely upfront about my agenda here. I came here to help myself, and in return have been willing to offer my help to anyone directly or indirectly.

    I thought getting the various perspectives of a wide range of both infj and non infj types here would help me better understand my situation, and moreso, how to proceed in my situation, to achieve my desired results. It's been a wide an interesting mix of people and posts, as I had expected and hoped.

    I have not read every post here. I try to read as many as I can, and i read some with more interest than others. Much of my reading and posting has come from my phone which partly explains some if my typos that otherwise I generally would not have as much of on here.

    If there is something specific to me, my posts, my situation that you want to ask or exchange comment on, go ahead. Or if there is something else about your situation you want to discuss, great.

    As for generalities, well, I think some people write more or longer than others. I think sometimes people are busy, sometimes they don't think they have anything else to add to the topics.
    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I don't know if "haven't heard" is actually the most accurate way to put it.

    It's just that you've urged INFJs to see the perspective of others, so much. And yet, when I try to describe how a "doorslam" is likely to have followed an awful lot of trying to see the perspective of the other person, and trying to share your own - and that the doorslam is in part because the other person refuses to see that in an equal relationship everyone's rights have to be taken under consideration - it's been repeatedly dismissed or described as special pleading. To the extent that I feel like I've been punching the air.

    I, and others, have described in detail how we've tried to fix relationships, or to do our part in fixing them - not without making our own mistakes, obviously - but how in some cases things have not proved fixable, partly because the other person repeatedly infringes on my rights, or overwhelms me even when given specific pointers on how NOT to overwhelm me, or disregards my feelings severely and repeatedly, or demonstrates that their approach to the relationship (whatever its nature) is utterly incompatible with my own - etc.

    And it seems like, according to you, none of that is valid when coming from "INFJs" and it just proves that we've got blind spots far more hideous than those of any other type. Because the only thing that IS valid is bending over backwards and breaking yourself in half to try and accommodate the other person's perspective - even if they are doing nothing of the kind for you. And all too often in this thread the only thing that gets "heard" is what confirms your current bad view of "INFJs" and "INFJ doorslams" (all of which, apparently, fall under one and the same umbrella.)
    And, some infj's door slam without all of that effort too. Sometimes it's done in haste. Sometimes it is done with errors of fact. Not all door slams are the same.

    Not all infj's are the same. Some are healthier than others. Some have more or less developed area than others. This of course can also be said for any type.

    For me, getting a wide variety of perspectives from both infj's and non infj's here can give me a lot of info and gain a better general understanding before specifically addressing my own situation.

  10. #720
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    I'm starting to think this whole doorslam thing is a bunch of crock.

    Who even purported it originally? Keirsey?

    I think it's a phenomenon of immaturity more than anything else.
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