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  1. #641
    Ginkgo
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    The potato has spokeneth.

    Haha

  2. #642
    Society
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    What did she put you through?
    i went into my subjective experience here.
    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    What did you do?
    as i said earlier:
    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    the one thing i did say was that she doorslammed me because she felt i publically humiliated her by talking about her, wtf would make you think this is what i'd be doing here? some people are able to recognize their own mistakes.
    so now she see's me as a-moral for having done so.. which isn't like her at all, she has never deemed anything objectively a-moral before as far as i can remember.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Well, what is your theory, exactly? Can you spell it out?
    when applied to no type in particular, it's simply that we are used to getting certain information from our functions and compensate for the information we aren't used too getting, which is why when our stress points are pushed, when we fall back on our undeveloped shadow functions and loose access to our main functions, we often aren't aware of the information we aren't getting, we don't have the tools to compensate for that lack of information, and thus assume there's no information to get - it's like people unaware that they have a cold believing that there's nothing to smell.

    when applied to people who are used to relay on developed Fe & Ni, such as INFJs, habitual of empathy and being extremely aware of the other points of view within their relationships, the state of stress forms a tunnel vision in which the other person's point of view stops existing for them in the way they are used to experience it, there's no room for the other's point of view, and they treat their shadow Ne - speculated possibilities - as if it was Ni and lead to definite meanings. doorslamming - the act of denying yourself any access to information about the other's point of view - seems to be the extreme of this.

    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    How much space are you giving her? How much time? Can you share more details?
    right now? we haven't being together in 3 months and we haven't talked in about 5 weeks..

  3. #643
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    and btw:
    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Plus, this:

    You don't need to contribute to an existing one. Start a new one. If he has a social insurance # you also are eligible for the Canada Education Savings Grant.

    More info: http://www.hrsdc.gc.ca/eng/learning/...lic/cesg.shtml
    you have no idea how greatfull i am for that idea. thank you!

  4. #644
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    PB is a great person to consult if you need a wide variety of sundry knowledge, and she usually has done research on it and can even provide links. She's helped me out more than once that way!

  5. #645
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    I recognised this tendency in myself when I was a child, these days ive matured and im more likely to try and engage someone with my aux function Fe if I have an issue or a problem.

    Communication is always a problem for Ni doms I find. For me it's as if by going through a conversation or problem in my mind, (it's like a roaring tide of information and thoughts that's really loud except without sound), I forget that I havn't actually discussed it with anyone yet, im making up my mind and seeing eventualities without running it past other people.

    I saw this as a flaw in myself when I grew older, id have a problem, id mope over it and go over and over it in my mind, then I would react with extreme harshness and close myself off from others from some minor interaction, leaving everyone around me completely at a loss.

    Nowadays I try to engage with others more, that is, those who are close to me at least. Afterall how could anyone understand the problem if you aren't willing to give them any information even as a stepping stone? of course it could also be that a Ni dom sees the problem as so complex that it renders explanation impossible, in that case it would be up to the individual as to how they deal with it.

  6. #646
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    I never actually did the true ''doorslam,'' thing. I can't force myself to not care about someone simply for my own good. I can rationally understand that it's unhealthy in some situations, therefore I do take measures to scale back on contact, and increase distance, to establish some healthier boundaries, and just give myself a break, and space to process. But I never just cut someone off completely, without a word, leaving them to wonder. I know I'd hate to be left wondering.

    I have a tendency to ''quarantine'' myself emotionally, if I happen to be under a tremendous amount of stress, but this is not always directly related to interpersonal relationships. Sometimes it's just cumulative factors. I fall off everyone's universal radar. I do try to give some disclaimer, when this occurs, before or as I nestle into my cave.

    If the person can't respect that I may need some space, for whatever my reasons are, then the distance widens, of course. If it became overtly abusive, in some way, then, I would quickly close the door at that point.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  7. #647
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AffirmitiveAnxiety View Post
    I recognised this tendency in myself when I was a child, these days ive matured and im more likely to try and engage someone with my aux function Fe if I have an issue or a problem.

    Communication is always a problem for Ni doms I find. For me it's as if by going through a conversation or problem in my mind, (it's like a roaring tide of information and thoughts that's really loud except without sound), I forget that I havn't actually discussed it with anyone yet, im making up my mind and seeing eventualities without running it past other people.

    I saw this as a flaw in myself when I grew older, id have a problem, id mope over it and go over and over it in my mind, then I would react with extreme harshness and close myself off from others from some minor interaction, leaving everyone around me completely at a loss.

    Nowadays I try to engage with others more, that is, those who are close to me at least. Afterall how could anyone understand the problem if you aren't willing to give them any information even as a stepping stone? of course it could also be that a Ni dom sees the problem as so complex that it renders explanation impossible, in that case it would be up to the individual as to how they deal with it.
    I agree that this would be an immature way of handling conflict and worth working out of. But I don't think this is always how doorslamming works. I think for many, it happens after very much (perhaps too much) engagement with the other person and the giving and considering of very much (perhaps too much) information.

    I also think it's interesting that the loudest voices in this thread lately "against" INFJ doorslamming are the ex-spouses/SOs of INFJs who have cut them out. Is the painful end of a long-term romantic relationship really a fair way to assess a phenomenon? I've never doorslammed a SO, but I was doorslammed once after I tried to take a romantic relationship that had grown from a friendship, back down to friendship. Yeah, it hurt, but breakups hurt, and I think he was hurt way worse than I was, as is evidenced by his need to shut me out.

  8. #648
    Temporal Mechanic. Lexicon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    Yeah, it hurt, but breakups hurt, and I think he was hurt way worse than I was, as is evidenced by his need to shut me out.
    I think people often fail to see the simple fact that we all experience and process emotional situations differently, especially when they are quite likely overwhelmed by their own emotions at the same time. Clouds judgement. Breaks and space may hurt, but they can help you grow, as well.

    Trying to barge in past what another person may need to deal with their feelings, or even faulting them for it, is excessively invasive. Just because you have [or had] a relationship with someone does not entitle you to contact whenever YOU feel it necessary, unfortunately.

    Patience goes a long way.
    03/23 06:06:58 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:06:59 EcK: lex
    03/23 06:21:34 Nancynobullets: LEXXX *sacrifices a first born*
    03/23 06:21:53 Nancynobullets: We summon yooouuu
    03/23 06:29:07 Lexicon: I was sleeping!



    04/25 04:20:35 Patches: Don't listen to lex. She wants to birth a litter of kittens. She doesnt get to decide whats creepy

    02/16 23:49:38 ygolo: Lex is afk
    02/16 23:49:45 Cimarron: she's doing drugs with Jack

    03/05 19:27:41 Time: You can't make chat morbid. Lex does it naturally.

  9. #649
    Wake, See, Sing, Dance Cellmold's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    I agree that this would be an immature way of handling conflict and worth working out of. But I don't think this is always how doorslamming works. I think for many, it happens after very much (perhaps too much) engagement with the other person and the giving and considering of very much (perhaps too much) information.

    I also think it's interesting that the loudest voices in this thread lately "against" INFJ doorslamming are the ex-spouses/SOs of INFJs who have cut them out. Is the painful end of a long-term romantic relationship really a fair way to assess a phenomenon? I've never doorslammed a SO, but I was doorslammed once after I tried to take a romantic relationship that had grown from a friendship, back down to friendship. Yeah, it hurt, but breakups hurt, and I think he was hurt way worse than I was, as is evidenced by his need to shut me out.
    Good points, in fairness I related a lot of this to myself and missed the perspective of others.

    ps: Love the avatar lol.

  10. #650

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    I don't believe door slamming is a good choice for anyone.

    The reasons for leaving a relationship sometimes make sense and sometimes don't, not just one or the other.

    In my situation, my infj didn't check in enough for accurate information. She made wrong, factually incorrect assumptions because she quietly, distantly guessed. Those things then snow balled out of control. All she had to do was speak up. When I offered/volunteered to help or solve or discuss anything, I walked on egg shells. Then what happens next, the non-infj gives space to keep the peace.

    These were very solvable issues.

    When I was younger, I liked a different infj. And I found out after the fact she liked me too, perhaps even more than I liked her. I never would have guessed it. We both wound up dating different people, and it never worked out, mostly because we didn't know each other's feelings for another. Point being, there is no substitute for direct communication. None.

    Not checking in leads to false assumptions, false conclusions. Those things then snowball over time.

    If I left a situation, I would tell the person, AND, if there was anything important to clear up, I'd do it right away.

    Unhealthy infj's seem to door slam very impulsively. My infj wasn't always unhealthy. But she became that way over time because of stress unrelated to me and triggers.

    There are a wide range of types of door slams it seems.

    I'm admittedly a more direct person, but I can handle some less direct communication, as long as there is some and it is clear.

    I would never just disappear from someone if they were unclear, or unsure and trying to communicate with me. I would be clear, and if any major loose ends were resolved, then I could move on in another direction.

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