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  1. #611
    Ginkgo
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    INFJ doorslams can seem like the purest expression of not wanting to talk with someone in the world. I mean, I know it's happened to me, and it's difficult to figure out when I don't know where I stand with the INFJ. I know Peguy mentioned being it basically being the consequence of being overwhelmed and absorbing too much undesirable energy from someone, which I can understand, especially if the INFJ is trying to reevaluate where the best use of their time would be. I've even doorslammed people, but in my case it's more like nobody's home in the first place. Once you put the foot in my door, it's hard to get you out of my system, which means that I have to be vigilant about who romps around in my inner-life in the first place. I guess my point is that, in my experience, INFJ doorslams can be utterly unpredictable and mysterious in how they were caused, depending on the INFJ. INFJs can be pretty mild but it seems like their paths in life, and how their paths converge with the paths of others, can change radically and subtly. The discreteness can make it seem even more radical and bewildering.

    It's not up to me how anyone else lives their life, but if I were to doorslam someone, I would make it clear that I was going to doorslam them. Yeah, explanations can dissolve the significance of the act itself. Nobody needs to know "Why" you do anything, and rationalizing it to someone else only makes you more vulnerable to scrutiny, putting an INFJ in a difficult situation if they are sympathetically invested in an individual they want to divorce themselves from. But vanishing off the face of the Earth's crust without sending a memo doesn't seem quite appropriate imo.

  2. #612
    reborn PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    @Mane, I can see where you are going off the rails here - let me know if you want to get this train back on track and enter into more productive discussion with the INFJ's.

    Otherwise, a whole whack of them are leaving you behind at the last station.

    And, tell me what you want out of this - I hear what you are saying, but I am not sure what you WANT, esp from the INFJ's. If you want to vent, cool. If you want to improve your communications, cool ... etc. Explicitly state it, and forgive me if you have already but I haven't been staying on top of this thread. (I have read some of your previous posts so possess an awareness of your situation.)
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
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  3. #613
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Here's the thing Mane. We all are given a set of resources in different types of currency - time, money, emotional energy, physical energy and so on. If we start to overspend in one area, it usually starts spilling over and bankrupting other areas. Therefore, if someone is sucking an undue amount of emotional energy from me without any signs of the situation ever changing (temporary needs are one thing, ongoing with no intention/ability to change is another), then I need to draw way back. Otherwise, I run out of resources to care for the other people and obligations in my life that I am responsible for.

    For most people, it takes awhile to learn at what point this is necessary, but I think the fact remains that for all people, there will be relationships at one time or another where it is necessary. I agree with Ginkgo that it is important to let people know why you are going, but it doesn't always mean that the going is negotiable. Hopefully efforts have been made before to amend the relationship, but sometimes if a pattern of one person doing an undue amount of adjusting giving, and the other person doing a lot of receiving while still maintaining decision making power in the relationship is just an unhealthy way to live.

    I really can't comment on what happened with you and your wife, and I have no doubt that losing your son is searingly painful. I agree that if it's a marriage, you should be at least apprised of why it's over. However, the fact remains that whether you like it or not, your wife doesn't want to talk to you. Give her some space. If you are approaching it in the same way as you have here, I'm afraid you are likely to get similar results.

    It's not really that the people here are entirely unsympathetic. It's just that there is frustration when:
    1) Your purpose (other than fixing INFJs everywhere) is unclear.
    2) You don't seem to be heeding numerous people who individually are expressing similar sentiments about the way you are approaching this issue. Take time to reconsider your approach and I really think more useful discussion for you will ensue.
    3) You are new here, which means you will get a basic amount of respect, but don't hae a lot of collateral to fall back on if you are saying things that get people's backs up. Get to know some of us individually first and I think you will have better luck.

  4. #614

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    Let me ask you this Fidelia, or anyone else. Do you think there is ever a time where it is possible where the basic laws and rules of society are not applicable to you?

    My infj had stress plus hurt feelings. She believes her feelings are more important than some basic responsibilities.

    I have heard of some door slammers changing their life, address, phone, friends, disappearing. But what about pretty big loose ends? I am dealing with someone who has had a complete disregard for everything.

    It isn't close to proportional. I respect feelings and hurt feelings. But what I don't understand is the basic disregard for all responsibilities.

    I understand that some people are feelers first, and less logical, but I'm curious to thoughts about where the line is drawn when it comes to basic daily responsibilities.

    When do you say, okay there are basic logical things that need to be taken care of first? Then feelings.

    In my case, which I know is extreme, we are talking about hurt feelings along the lines of what I would call pretty minor. All feelings are important, but I find the complete disregard for important responsibilities amazing. The self sabotage and burning bridges with several people in my case, was so unnecessary. This was caused by door slamming and never comig back to reality. Her intentions are to stay hidden until everyone else gets too tired of the situation and fades away.

    Do people think that generally speaking, this is extreme when it comes to door slamming? Do people think it is more common for a door slammer to solve major loose ends first, or just continue to irrationally disappear permanently leaving many open ended problems?

  5. #615

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ginkgo View Post
    INFJ doorslams can seem like the purest expression of not wanting to talk with someone in the world. I mean, I know it's happened to me, and it's difficult to figure out when I don't know where I stand with the INFJ. I know Peguy mentioned being it basically being the consequence of being overwhelmed and absorbing too much undesirable energy from someone, which I can understand, especially if the INFJ is trying to reevaluate where the best use of their time would be. I've even doorslammed people, but in my case it's more like nobody's home in the first place. Once you put the foot in my door, it's hard to get you out of my system, which means that I have to be vigilant about who romps around in my inner-life in the first place. I guess my point is that, in my experience, INFJ doorslams can be utterly unpredictable and mysterious in how they were caused, depending on the INFJ. INFJs can be pretty mild but it seems like their paths in life, and how their paths converge with the paths of others, can change radically and subtly. The discreteness can make it seem even more radical and bewildering.

    It's not up to me how anyone else lives their life, but if I were to doorslam someone, I would make it clear that I was going to doorslam them. Yeah, explanations can dissolve the significance of the act itself. Nobody needs to know "Why" you do anything, and rationalizing it to someone else only makes you more vulnerable to scrutiny, putting an INFJ in a difficult situation if they are sympathetically invested in an individual they want to divorce themselves from. But vanishing off the face of the Earth's crust without sending a memo doesn't seem quite appropriate imo.
    The potato has spokeneth.

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  6. #616
    4x9 cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    Do people think that generally speaking, this is extreme when it comes to door slamming? Do people think it is more common for a door slammer to solve major loose ends first, or just continue to irrationally disappear permanently leaving many open ended problems?
    As I was trying to say earlier on to you, I've felt all along your example was a very extreme case and in many respects falls outside of pure mbti talk. And for me, it would be unheard of to not tie off any logistical loose ends. I can't comprehend leaving someone totally hanging, without having at the very least a formal 'this is why I'm saying goodbye, let's get logistics tied off but then see ya' talk.

    Although it hasn't happened to me, theoretically, if through the course of that closure process THEY refused to let me go, despite my communicating to them and trying to wrap up loose ends, then I could see just ceasing altogether and shutting them out.
    "...On and on and on and on he strode, far out over the sands, singing wildly to the sea, crying to greet the advent of the life that had cried to him." - James Joyce

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  7. #617
    Senior Member Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    I have one question for mane. Do you believe it’s possible to completely exhaust someone’s resources and cause them a tremendous amount of distress by talking too much? Because I’ve noticed some extraverts- sometimes it’s a foreign experience to them, they never get so exhausted from talking that they will feel completely depleted and absolutely distressed as a result- so they don’t begin to understand how it’s even possible. And because it’s not possible for them to experience it, they don’t believe it’s possible for other people to experience it. So will you allow that it’s entirely possible for it to be another person’s experience- that talking about something too much can cause so much distress that it becomes unbearable?

    Because until you allow that this distress is a very real existential condition that you can cause in others- that it is possible for you to cause suffering by doing this- you won’t be able to take responsibility for it.

    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    Let me ask you this Fidelia, or anyone else. Do you think there is ever a time where it is possible where the basic laws and rules of society are not applicable to you?
    BalanceFind, again, the situation you’ve described is extraordinary and I really don’t think it falls under the normal parameters of ‘doorslam’. I have never felt like I am exempt for the same responsibilities and obligations in a relationship as anyone else, and I have only ever written people off when THEY are the ones who are not willing to stop and consider how they are taking far more than they are willing to give in the relationship.
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  8. #618

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    I no longer care about the why. I know the why. I do think this falls into the category.

  9. #619
    Member DisneyFanGirl's Avatar
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    My best friend tried this on me. I wouldn't let her. We got over our problems and are best friends again. It's not always a hopeless case.

  10. #620
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    @SilkRoad, your signature is completely cracking me up. You bad girl you.

    It says: "I DOORSLAMMING" (Check it out here.)

    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

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