In my original post which started this thread, I talked about how I have been hurt and baffled by INFJ doorslamming. I had NO idea that this would become such a well-read and well-debated topic. As of this post, there have been 115 responses and 5,445 views. Obviously, this is a topic of much interest to the readers of this forum. And, I think this is evidence that INFJ doorslamming is the source of much miscommunication between INFJs and the non-INFJs in their lives.
Now seems the time to take a moment and summarize what I’ve learned from this thread so far.
What is Doorslamming?
Doorslamming occurs when an INFJ cuts off contact with someone in their acquaintance. It is my observation that INFJs are more likely (in comparison with the other 15 personality types) to engage in doorslamming.
Doorslamming Takes Many Forms
This is a complicated issue that cannot be understood with a single, pat answer. Doorslamming may or may not be a permanent break in contact. And, INFJs may or may not feel guilty about doorslamming someone. But whatever the form or feeling, breaking off contact with people is a natural way for INFJs to handle <insert the INFJ’s reason here>.
Doorslamming Is Hard for non-INFJs to Understand
I think that one of the most difficult aspects of being an INFJ is the inherent contradiction in cognitive functions all INFJs experience. It’s like they are being pulled in different directions by their INFJ-ness. I’ve often thought that being an INFJ was a tough card to be dealt. But the ones that overcome the inherent obstacles in their INFJ-ness are truly amazing people.
Ni versus Fe. INFJs feel a need to connect with other people. And, yet they can be overwhelmed by the very connections they seek. They must be in contact with people and they must be alone to reflect and process. Vicki Jo Varner explains this very well.
For INFJ's, I have often used the metaphor of being up in an "ivory tower," trying to get a glimpse of what's on the horizon. And then, when I activate my extraverted Feeling, I have to run down the steps of that tower in order to get to ground level and connect with people there. (Any time I try calling down from the turret of the tower, people think I'm speaking in "tongues" or I'm spewing incoherent jabberwocky, because it's nearly impossible to eloquently articulate all the complexity I'm seeing.) - from
INFJ iNtuition
Even before reading Ms. Varner’s words, I’d used the term shuttlecock to describe this phenomenon. A shuttlecock is tossed back and forth in badminton. So are the psyches of INFJs who are able to see all the permutations in any situation, and yet feel a compelling need to be decisive. As an ENFP, I too am blessed with dominant Intuition. My Ne allows me to see all the connections and all the possibilities in any given situation. But unlike my INFJ mirrors, I don’t feel compelled to decide upon one out of the many. This has got to be really tough for INFJs.
I think it hard for other types to understand these contradictory forces. This is further complicated by the INFJ’s reluctance to be transparent in their thinking. In other words, the people in the INFJ’s life may have no clue regarding pre-doorslamming ruminations until the door has been shut.
INFJs Doorslam for Many Reasons
Many reasons have been given in this thread for why an INFJ will slam the door on someone. I’ve tried to summarize them here:
- Immorality of the other person. In other words, the INFJ perceives the other person has done something wrong and thus they decide they don't want that person to be in their life anymore.
- Being Overwhelmed. The INFJ needs to put distance between themselves and the person with whom they experience uncomfortably powerful emotions. I think of my dog that gets overwhelmed with happiness upon seeing me and then has to go hide under the bed. INFJs feel things very intensely and sometimes need to get some distance. (As an ENFP, btw, I understand this very well. I also feel things very intensely. It can be quite overwhelming at times.)
- Fearing Failure. INFJs feel failure when they hurt other people and when they fail to meet the high expectations they have for themselves. If an INFJ feels they might fail in these areas, cutting off contact with that person seems a viable solution for the INFJ.
- Kindness. Sometimes the INFJ feels that the kindest thing to do for someone is to cut them loose. Think of the word agape. The INFJ may decide that doorslamming this person to be the kindest thing they can do for them.
- Sense of closure. INFJs need to have a sense of closure when it comes to their personal relationships. They may ruminate on them, but once they’ve made a decision, the Rubicon has been crossed, so to speak.
Conclusions
Whatever the reason for shutting the door, I’ve come to accept that for INFJs doorslamming is a valid choice... even if it goes against the very essence of my ENFP sensibilities. All INFJs doorslam to some extent. It is a natural choice based on their unique mix of cognitive functions.
But an unhealthy/immature INFJ may engage in doorslamming in maladaptive ways. The real problem comes when the INFJ overindulges in doorslamming. When cutting off contact with another person becomes an easy answer to the complicated process INFJs must undergo to process incoming information and navigate discomfort in their relationships.
I read once that Introverted Intuition is akin to a framework for understanding. Every time new information comes into the INFJ’s psyche, they must reprocess the entire framework to incorporate the new information. This is a very laborious process. Thus, to conserve mental energy, INFJs will sometimes dismiss new information if they judge it’s a rehashing of something they've processed previously. If the INFJ isn’t careful, they will fall into the trap of dismissing outside input too readily.
In other words, some INFJs use Fe to serve the needs of Ni by rejecting new information. A more healthy, balanced approach would be for Fe to judge whether or not the INFJ's framework is still valid given the new information coming in. This takes more mental work, but it is critical for a healthy INFJ.
An INFJ who uses their Fe to serve the needs of their Ni, rather than to check its excesses, will be rigid in their life stance. Such an INFJ may come off as opinionated, dismissive, snobbish, or arrogant. These INFJs see only what they want to see and are sorely lacking in humility.
Thus, these unhealthy INFJs will doorslam people who threaten their framework (aka Ni). (This is just another a way of dismissing outside input isn't it? By killing the messenger?) This is kind of doorslamming is unhealthy, needlessly hurtful, and just plain immature. Not every INFJ does this, but the ones that do need a good kick in the *ss.
So, if your INFJ friend is coming from this same frame of mind, I think you have the right idea on how to reach him. I'm not sure how you have reached out thus far, but the "let bygones be bygones" approach might do the trick. I would let him know how much he means to you. Not sure why, but sometimes we have a weak concept of how much we mean to others. If you could let him know that and then carry on as things were before, without any heavy melodrama or drawn out confrontation, he might come around. Then maybe in time he will be able to give you the apology you deserve. In a way it is a bit like coaxing a shy animal. If you have the patience and love to do all this, bless you, you are an amazing friend.
