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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #581
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    So do are you supposing here that keeping in contact will assure the person will eventually lose their blind spot?
    i am saying that the process of doorslamming means blocking off communication from the person who can tell you the other side, you are choosing to create your own blindspot to someone else's perspective (or support a perexisting one), you are socially engineering your own tunnel vision by not allowing for the other person's perspective to be heard.

    and if you had no problem with your own states of tunnel vision when you feel you have your reasons and when it's justifiable from your perspective, where was her perspective within your decision to doorslam her for the very thing you are capable of having yourself? you agree so easily with those who say i "assume no introspectioin" but where was your introspection when you held her for ideals that the most fundemental level of introspection would have told you your failing at yourself?

    when it comes to relationship problems - the act of doorslamming demands lying to yourself by telling yourself you explored all the possible avenues when not only is it not possible but your blocking them from doing the same.

    but when it comes to stuff like this... seriously where do you get off holding people to ideals you couldn't reach by standing on the tip of your toes?

  2. #582
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    i am saying that the process of doorslamming means blocking off communication from the person who can tell you the other side, you are choosing to create your own blindspot to someone else's perspective (or support a perexisting one), you are socially engineering your own tunnel vision by not allowing for the other person's perspective to be heard.
    I can't speak for all INFJs necessarily, but I often try my best to be open to the other person's point of view. However, if the other person isn't going to be open and considerate of my perspective, then we've reached an impasse which unless resolved is probably going to end in a doorslam. Now miscommunication between types can occur and result in this mistaken impression, and sure reasonable dialogue is needed to overcome that. Very often INFJs(healthy ones at least) are more than willing to do that, but the other person has to be willing too - and sometimes they're not.

    Also keep in mind INFJs are humans, and humans of whatever type have their faults and blind spots. Relatively mature INFJs will operate the best they can under the circumstances. Usually if we doorslam, it's because there's severe pain on our end as well - and sometimes we just have to look out for our own good.

    FWIW, I keep seeing a blind spot on your part of negating or failing to see that we're in serious pain too on our end when the doorslam happens. Can't speak for everybody, but I don't necessarily take joy in doing it and I use it as a very last resort when other options have been exhausted.

  3. #583
    Strongly Ambivalent Array Ivy's Avatar
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    For me, when I start to feel I am being consumed by someone, whether it's emotional/mental/physical, it's time for a doorslam. In actuality, it's just making official what has already been unofficially true for a while- if I dread having contact with you, we are not friends. It's really best for everyone if we don't pretend we are. I don't think it's necessary to "explore all the avenues" when some of the avenues involve further consumption.

  4. #584
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    and if you had no problem with your own states of tunnel vision when you feel you have your reasons and when it's justifiable from your perspective, where was her perspective within your decision to doorslam her for the very thing you are capable of having yourself? you agree so easily with those who say i "assume no introspectioin" but where was your introspection when you held her for ideals that the most fundemental level of introspection would have told you your failing at yourself?

    Where was her perspective when I decided to doorslam? In crazytown. Saying crazy things. Making crazy accusations, and not listening to a single thing I had to say about any of it. For years, and getting worse as time went on. I’m not capable of acting like that myself because I’m too concerned about how I make the people close to me feel. I’m not even remotely capable of it. So I don’t begin to understand what you’re asking.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  5. #585
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peguy View Post
    Also keep in mind INFJs are humans
    OMG? for real? your saying humans act out of pain and their own negative expeirencess and make mistakes? that maybe we should be able to... forgive them? listen to where they where coming from? keep our minds open to their perspective? brilliant!

    and thanks.

  6. #586
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    Forgive me if this has already been addressed, but how much of a conscious decision is a doorslam to INFJs? To me, I literally get a sense of a ton of bricks or something heavy just slamming to the ground and after that I've just reached my limit of what I can take from this person and afterwards I just do not want to deal with them anymore(or at the very least for long while). It's more like a sudden intuitive click in your head.

  7. #587
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    OMG? for real? your saying humans act out of pain and their own negative expeirencess and make mistakes? that maybe we should be able to... forgive them? listen to where they where coming from? keep our minds open to their perspective? brilliant!

    and thanks.
    Are you doing your part and listening to what the INFJs are telling you? In all honesty I don't think you are, and if INFJs get the sense you're not listening to them - you get the doorslam.

  8. #588
    Strongly Ambivalent Array Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    OMG? for real? your saying humans act out of pain and their own negative expeirencess and make mistakes? that maybe we should be able to... forgive them? listen to where they where coming from? keep our minds open to their perspective? brilliant!

    and thanks.
    Sure. A few times, even. When it starts being the major dynamic in the relationship and we frequently find ourselves in a place where they've plowed down a boundary I set and are now in need of forgiveness? I'm not going to stick around for that.

  9. #589
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    for god's sake this is simpler then 2x3.. listen closely:
    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I decided to doorslam
    =
    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    you decided to block off communication so you can not listen or hear the other side once its done.
    means that:
    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I’m not capable of acting like that myself because I’m too concerned about how I make the people close to me feel. I’m not even remotely capable of it..
    =
    false.

    you can't be incapable of the very things you do.

  10. #590
    Strongly Ambivalent Array Ivy's Avatar
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    Here's a hint- when we doorslam someone, it means we're not close anymore. And haven't been for some time. You didn't just perform the amazing feat of logic you think you did.

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