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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #531
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I've done that, but it's more like "coffee in July" with a break going on currently. She's already tried to push it in the meantime, specifically against the terms of our agreement, so she should be aware that she is playing a very dangerous game...

    Seems like every time someone offers me advice about this situation, I've tried it all. This is where last resorts come in. But hey, I guess I'm blinding myself............................................ .

    the important part of not blinding yourself is to remember that not finding a solution doesn't mean there isn't one, it just means you dont have one at the time. likewise, your saying you don't want to spend your own energy on finding one.

    so why not ask her to do it for you? write a letter describing your PoV, how you feel about the situation, and tell her that if she wants to come back into your life she needs to come back with a solution that will work for both of you.

    i don't know about her, but if my exwife did that to me i would be a million times greatful - by examining my mistakes i already came up with solutions to most of our problems and how to establish the conditions from which the trust that both sides have broken is allowed to regrow organically.
    likewise, when i was a teen and a very good friend (INFJ) doorslammed me because she told me she had feelings for me and she got hurt by me not sharing those, i found a solution and wanted to introduce her to someone i thought she'd like, but she wouldn't let me past the door.

    see, i think that's what bothers me most of all - i know that i will always find solutions eventually. why is it so wrong to demand patience?

  2. #532
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    the important part of not blinding yourself is to remember that not finding a solution doesn't mean there isn't one, it just means you dont have one at the time. likewise, your saying you don't want to spend your own energy on finding one.

    so why not ask her to do it for you? write a letter describing your PoV, how you feel about the situation, and tell her that if she wants to come back into your life she needs to come back with a solution that will work for both of you.

    i don't know about her, but if my exwife did that to me i would be a million times greatful - by examining my mistakes i already came up with solutions to most of our problems and how to establish the conditions from which the trust that both sides have broken is allowed to regrow organically.
    likewise, when i was a teen and a very good friend (INFJ) doorslammed me because she told me she had feelings for me and she got hurt by me not sharing those, i found a solution and wanted to introduce her to someone i thought she'd like, but she wouldn't let me past the door.

    see, i think that's what bothers me most of all - i know that i will always find solutions eventually. why is it so wrong to demand patience?

    Trust me, my dear. I have done all of this. Hours of conversations. Letters lasting pages. Etc. Enormous patience. The word other people keep using when I talk to them about this.

    You're being terribly magnanimous but amazingly, blind as I am, I have thought of all this. It's difficult when people give you their plan of attack for how they're going to fix the relationship, and it sounds reasonable...and then they revert to the crazy behaviour over and over again. Maybe she can't help it. But I can't help her beyond what I've done.

    Which is why I think I'm probably done...both with that particular relationship, and with this discussion... We shall have to agree to disagree.
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    I DOORSLAMMING

  3. #533

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    There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could walk away from my door slammer.

    My sympathy and empathy decreases over time. Door slamming infj's can mistakenly think others think the worst of them, which isn't true. Then because of lack of communication over time, what door slamming infj's originally incorrectly think, actually happens. I went from shock, to empathy, sympathy, compassion, for a long time, to much worse over time. The quantity of time is a big problem. Self absorption and isolation causes tunnel vision and incorrect assumptions about the thoughts, and actions of others.

  4. #534
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    You're being terribly magnanimous but amazingly, blind as I am, I have thought of all this. It's difficult when people give you their plan of attack for how they're going to fix the relationship, and it sounds reasonable...and then they revert to the crazy behaviour over and over again. Maybe she can't help it. But I can't help her beyond what I've done.
    it sounds to me like you haven't followed the idea in full - if she reverts back to her own behavior that means that what she is offering you is entirely to apease you, and not a solution that works for both of you, because obviously - it doesn't work for her, and if the solution doesn't demonstrate that it would also work for her then there's no reason to accept it as a viable solution - "go back to the drawing board".

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Which is why I think I'm probably done...both with that particular relationship, and with this discussion... We shall have to agree to disagree.
    that's your choice to make.

  5. #535

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    I wish every day that I could walk away from my door slammer.

    My sympathy and empathy decreases over time. Door slamming infj's can mistakenly think others think the worst of them, which isn't true. Then because of lack of communication over time, what door slamming infj's originally incorrectly think, actually happens. I went from shock, to empathy, sympathy, compassion, for a long time, to much worse over time. The quantity of time is a big problem. Self absorption and isolation causes tunnel vision and incorrect assumptions about the thoughts, and actions of others.

  6. #536
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I wish every day that I could walk away from my door slammer.

    My sympathy and empathy decreases over time. Door slamming infj's can mistakenly think others think the worst of them, which isn't true. Then because of lack of communication over time, what door slamming infj's originally incorrectly think, actually happens. I went from shock, to empathy, sympathy, compassion, for a long time, to much worse over time. The quantity of time is a big problem. Self absorption and isolation causes tunnel vision and incorrect assumptions about the thoughts, and actions of others.
    interesting, i went from shock to rage over all the other consequances of the doorslam, to self doubt to cold hearted analysis to sadness to sympathy & compassion. unfortunately - unlike a lot of other doorslamming stories - mine wanted me back, she just happened to want me back in the rage part.

  7. #537

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    interesting, i went from shock to rage over all the other consequances of the doorslam, to self doubt to cold hearted analysis to sadness to sympathy & compassion. unfortunately - unlike a lot of other doorslamming stories - mine wanted me back, she just happened to want me back in the rage part.
    I have had all of the emotions. My very first thought was fear that something had happened to her. once I found out nothing did, my very next thought was that she manipulated me and used me. It was not a master plan. She got in over her head and out of self preservation she was willing to destroy anyone. That was an amazing betrayal to me. The hardest part. How do you go from every day contact for many years, mostly all positive, to nothing, just to save yourself? Wow.

    I tried to help an unhealthy person. I tried and tried and tried. She refused communication. Now it is all about how I can get my money from her the fastest and easiest for me. It is a lot of anger and outrage, but I hide that part from everyone until I get my money. I can keep a cool head most of the time, which has been extremely challenging for me. But make no mistake, I am not a pushover and I will not simply walk away and let it go. That is what she is hoping for, but I have a responsibility to myself and others. I would also add panic to my situation. Lots of panic, which shifted from panic about her well being to panic about my bills and money.

    As time goes by, my anger and disappointment only builds. And my focus only increases. I know she is hoping I will just get tired and give up. I think she is used to others giving up in this situation.

    Again, if there wasn't a large sum of money involved and a new house too, I would have not tried longer than a week or two for contact with her.

    I know it sounds arrogant, and I don't mean it to be, but it is surprising to me that she is able to live daily just fine without contacting me. We spoke every day for several years. That part was very hard for me at first. What helped me was pushing myself to meet new people when I went there.

    Sadly I lost some friends who refuse to speak to me because of the lies she told them.

    Feelings lose value and priority over time in door slams. Facts facts fact. Reality comes first.

  8. #538
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    The responses of those receiving the door-slam are understandable, because the door-slam / silent treatment / ostracism HURTS.

    "Ostracism or exclusion may not leave external scars, but it can cause pain that often is deeper and lasts longer than a physical injury, according to a Purdue University expert. ... When a person is ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury, Williams said. The process of ostracism includes three stages: the initial acts of being ignored or excluded, coping and resignation."

    Continue reading:

    Pain of Ostracism Can Be Deep, Long-Lasting

    Ostracism: The Kiss of Social Death

    I appreciate the INFJ's here to try to explain, and I empathize with their perspectives, as I have already posted.

    Yet I include these links to help explain why the recipients of a door-slam can be so emotionally intense about it, and to help the non-INFJ's deal with that pain. It takes time.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  9. #539
    Artisan Conquerer Array Halla74's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    ^^^^^^^^
    I've gotta say that the way Mane worded this reminded me of what really bothers me about doorslamming.
    To each their own...

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I understand that cutting off contact may be a natural and valid choice if you're an INFJ. And that for the doorslamming INFJ it always seems like there is a valid reason.
    (1) INFJs are not the only (MBTI) type(s) of people that "doorslam" others.

    (2) Your objections to other people using the "doorslam" tactic are limited to your own personal experience, and do not/cannot possibly be unilaterally applied to any other person.

    (3) There are two sides to every story. "Doorslamming" toxic, abusive and hostile people is a tactic that has merit. Not wanting to deal with toxic fucktards is vlaid reason enough for anyone to drop a doorslam if they deem necessary. Yes, there are other ways to handle such situations, but doorslamming is alot more civil than other ways to deal with fucktards.

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    But doorslamming still seems so unilateral.
    So what?

    If some total jerkoff is harassing you, do you feel that it is necessary for you and such said fucktard to have a "commonly agreed upon, mutual understanding" that you don't want to have any further contact with them?

    I doubt it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    It's inherently selfish.
    This is an overly broad statement that is baseless and without merit.
    It's your opinion, and that's fine, but your opinion doesn't bind the rest of humanity.

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    And frankly, it oftentimes seems shortsighted.
    Well, if you wish to have longstanding relations with obnoxious and terribly difficult people, then you can deal with them however you wish.
    What long-term strategy do you feel is an appropriate means of dealing with hostile idiots?

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Maybe it's a P/J thing. But the idea of permanently cutting off one's options with another person (which is what doorslamming is all about) just feels offensive to me.
    It's not a P/J thing.
    There are some people in this world that are sick and dimwitted.
    They do not understand the concept of an ultimatum.
    You can tell them a hundred times to never speak to you again, and the next day they will continue to bother you.
    Rather than going fully tatical and reading them the riot act, pressing charges, or beating them senseless, doorslamming can be the most civil of all potential options.
    Again, if you don't care to utilize such a tactic, so be it. Wonderful! Do you as see fit.
    But don't try to drop an imaginary bag of guilt on others for not sharing the same opinion as you.
    THAT is short-sighted AND unilateral.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Why is there an assumption that it is always worthwhile to keep your options open with other people? I completely don't get that.
    I agree.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.
    Exactly. Once someone proves to be a vampiristic piece of human sewage I have no further need to associate with them.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Ask someone like Halla74. He's an ESTP and he's told me several times on this forum to divest myself of human deadweight in my life!
    It works well, doesn't it?

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Here's a question: do you think it's right to force a person to stay in a relationship (whatever its nature) that they no longer want to be in and that they may have put considerable effort into already - only to have things damaged beyond repair, or to receive confirmation that you and the other person will never agree on the parameters of the relationship?
    No I do not. I think either party should be free to go their own way at any time. It's a friendship, not slavery.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Some people are users, emotional vampires, individuals who will never be satisfied until their unreasonable and violating demands are satisfied, people who assume that you will be happy with whatever spin THEY choose to put on the relationship...etc.
    Exactly. Baby sociopaths, control freaks, and fucktards in general.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I've read nothing in this thread that has convinced me that keeping such people around indefinitely, and listening to their arguments indefinitely, is the right thing to do.
    Absolutely, agreed 100%.



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  10. #540
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    I think this is partially a J vs P difference. As has been said before, there is some relief in closure, particular when it is a relationship that saps a tremendous amount of emotional energy to no seeming purpose over a long period of time.

    Interestingly, I think that P types find it easier than I do to deal with unresolved stuff between them and another person if the answers truly are unavailable and they've come to terms with the fact that they won't get the answers they want. For me, I can get over something if I have some way of understanding what actually happened and can feel like I can close the chapter on it. In the absence of that, it takes me a lot longer to process the many possibilities of what went wrong (I think that's a Ni thing) and I also feel compelled to pick the most likely reason for their behaviour. I'd prefer that my guess be accurate and backed up by first hand information. If it is not though, I need some way to arrive at a conclusion and so substitute in what I think makes the most sense. In that way, I can let it go a lot better.

    So I do really understand the longing for answers and continued dialogue. I would like to answer YWIR and clarify that at least in my case, I don't use lack of contact for manipulative purposes or to try to prompt a particular response in the other person. By the time I am ready to do that, I either was not at all emotionally invested at first, or else I have invested so much and exhausted all possibilities that I can think of for improving the relationship that I no longer have any interest in continuing. By that time, it just doesn't matter anymore or I have lost hope completely.

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