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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #521
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    i actually don't know - i dealt with someone who suspected they had BPD but i have no idea if it was the case.


    offer a trade.
    Er, I want to laugh but I'm not sure what that means.

    I hope you get my point. About last resorts. This is last-resort stuff we're talking about. Particularly in a case when first you tell someone nicely that you need more space. They still try to suck you dry. Then you tell them less nicely. Then you send them bullet-point lists about your personal boundaries. Then you scream "leave me alone". Then you come frighteningly close to hitting them. All of this punctuated by hours of exhausting conversations. Then finally...you think about maybe shutting them out entirely. And no, I'm not slightly exaggerating about any of this.
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I hope you get my point. About last resorts. This is last-resort stuff we're talking about. Particularly in a case when first you tell someone nicely that you need more space. They still try to suck you dry. Then you tell them less nicely. Then you send them bullet-point lists about your personal boundaries. Then you scream "leave me alone". Then you come frighteningly close to hitting them. All of this punctuated by hours of exhausting conversations. Then finally...you think about maybe shutting them out entirely. And no, I'm not slightly exaggerating about any of this.
    see, i feel that your telling yourself its the last resort when you are the one who has decided to blind yourself to other resorts. do you understand that with the humility to acknowledge you haven't covered all the possible solutions to the relationship problems no matter how hard you believe you tried, that you human and are limited in your capacity to do so, it is impossible to ever know that the other person is incapable of offering solutions and possibilities that you haven't tried yet?

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Er, I want to laugh but I'm not sure what that means.
    trade - offer her something that she wants in exchange of her doing what you want. you asked me what i would do - thats what i would do.

  3. #523
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    see, i feel that your telling yourself its the last resort when you are the one who has decided to blind yourself to other resorts. do you understand that with the humility to acknowledge you haven't covered all the possible solutions to the relationship problems no matter how hard you believe you tried, that you human and are limited in your capacity to do so, it is impossible to ever know that the other person is incapable of offering solutions and possibilities that you haven't tried yet?
    Honestly?!

    What would you do in this situation? Tell me.

    What if you don't want to try any more because of the damage you've suffered? That's definitely part of it.

    Do you not understand why some of the INFJs in this thread might take offense? "You've decided to blind yourself." Good grief.
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  4. #524
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    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    This just seems like a very elaborate version of:

    A: I'm not interested in what you have to say any more.
    B: But I really, really want you to be.
    A: Noted, but I'm not.
    B: Okay, but I really, really, really think you should be.
    Lol

    ------

    So, if I'm to understand correctly, anyone entering a relationship is expected to keep the relationship going in some form unless by mutual consent? I have to ask because that makes no sense to me.

    Closing the door on a relationship is not part of a power game. Actually, that thought had never even occurred to me. It's an "I'm done. I'm moving on with my life and this new phase does not include you."

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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Honestly?!

    What would you do in this situation? Tell me.
    sorry the edit took a moment, it's there now.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Do you not understand why some of the INFJs in this thread might take offense? "You've decided to blind yourself." Good grief.
    offensive != untrue.

    i would get offended when people would tell me i had a smoking problem and was blind to the smells i forced people around me to indure but it was still true.

  6. #526
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post

    trade - offer her something that she wants in exchange of her doing what you want. you asked me what i would do - thats what i would do.
    Yeah...if they want your exclusive devotion and to take over your life, that's where it's a problem.

    I thought I was supposed to offer her heroin or something...
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Yeah...if they want your exclusive devotion and to take over your life, that's where it's a problem.
    it sounds to me like she craves your attention, and what your doing - pushing her away - is making her want it more and cling to it more desperately. arrange an hour to meet her for coffee sometime next week - giving her a taste of what she wants - and then if she still bugs you tell her you'll only show up if she gives you the space in the mean time.

  8. #528
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    The problem with not reversing a decision after it is made, is that sometimes those decisions are made way too quickly without all of the facts or evidence.

    My approach is gather enough info, no more, make decision, and stick with decision unless, or until new info comes to light to change decision. I then would have zero problem changing my decision upon new information.

    My infj was very stubborn. She would never reverse or re-visit decisions even when facts and evidence screamed for her to do so. It definitely an area of emphasis in my experience.

    I find it interesting because the general open nature to change is something I like about infj types. The ones I have known have been all about change, except when it comes to reversing decisions they have made.

    The other challenge for me was the victim role. Just because you were a victim some time in your past, doean't mean you are always a victim.

    What worked for us were positive routines, taking the focus of self. Live in moment with balance, with eye on future. My infj was at her best when she was spontaneous at least part of the time. And when she was just with me she didn't care about image. Those were the best moments.

    We could communicate without words often on all kinds of topics. That was great. With many other previous isfj 9 types, I didn't have that. I loved their salt of the earth demeanor, but those were often times way too conservative for me.

    Healthy infj 4w3 types have been the ones I have connected with the most. j have the easiest fun with Esfp/Enfp types, but in terms of dating, no. Fun friends yes.

    My infj 4w3 just became unhealthy, and yes, sorry to say I will crush her like a bug legally to the very end. But she's just one person.

  9. #529
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    it sounds to me like she craves your attention, and what your doing - pushing her away - is making her want it more and cling to it more desperately. arrange an hour to meet her for coffee sometime next week - giving her a taste of what she wants - and then if she still bugs you tell her you'll only show up if she gives you the space in the mean time.
    I've done that, but it's more like "coffee in July" with a break going on currently. She's already tried to push it in the meantime, specifically against the terms of our agreement, so she should be aware that she is playing a very dangerous game...

    Seems like every time someone offers me advice about this situation, I've tried it all. This is where last resorts come in. But hey, I guess I'm blinding myself............................................ .

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  10. #530
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    Question Relevant post?

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    ^^^^^^^^
    I've gotta say that the way @Mane worded this reminded me of what really bothers me about doorslamming. I understand that cutting off contact may be a natural and valid choice if you're an INFJ. And that for the doorslamming INFJ it always seems like there is a valid reason.

    But doorslamming still seems so unilateral. It's inherently selfish. And frankly, it oftentimes seems shortsighted.

    Maybe it's a P/J thing. But the idea of permanently cutting off one's options with another person (which is what doorslamming is all about) just feels offensive to me.
    Quote Originally Posted by YWIR View Post
    A sensible person wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour. It's exhausting. I understand needing to take a day or two to brew things over, but ultimately, clear communication needs to be established.
    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    At the same time though...I don't think YWIR was advocating 'try to stop all INFJs from ever doorslamming again by showing them the error of their ways'. She can come and correct me if I'm wrong...but I think she even stated a few pages back...'no sensable person would put up with this behavior'. Like in a 'move on - don't waste your time' kind of way.

    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    One of the biggest problems with door slamming, is that it very easily leads to miscommunication. Time goes by and then both sides have to guess and make assumptions, many of which are false or incorrect. All of this leads to problems and the spreading of misinformation.

    The erros of fact my infj has made after the fact due to self isolation is pretty staggering. The more time that goes by and less check ins the more the errors of fact and miscommunication, self absorption, and believing the worst.
    Quote Originally Posted by iwakar View Post
    This just seems like a very elaborate version of:

    A: I'm not interested in what you have to say any more.
    B: But I really, really want you to be.
    A: Noted, but I'm not.
    B: Okay, but I really, really, really think you should be.

    I'm sure most IxxJs would find this futile, particularly were it preceded by a whole lot of riffraff, not just INFJs. I know mature ExxPs in real life (some from this forum) that would agree. They're not present in this discussion, but I am fortunate enough to have their friendship and they don't assume their judgment would serve me better on how to lead my life. A couple are wise enough to be unsure if their own judgment always serves their own lives. I admire these two particularly for their honesty and humility.
    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Esoteric brought this up, but to expect an IxxJ to continuously 'float' without requiring and working towards closure is the same as expecting an ExxP to reach definitive decision points/closure as a lifestyle. The two will always have inherently different approaches: it's what makes them vastly different. For myself, I don't 'expect' ExxP's to become like me.. it's just not fair to them and also would take away what makes them THEM. I also would only be with an ExxP if they were ok with how my primary preferences were: and I with them. The success between the two will only occur if both are in the end not trying to morph the other into someone they are not.
    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    no, i am simply saying that by the very nature of the doorslam, you are avoiding critical information about whether the claims on you are legitimate.

    and as for your case, i just have to say; seriously? you have to doorslam her because you can't say "no i'm with other friends" or "no i'm busy" or "no i want to be alone for awhile"? your assertive enough to doorslam but not to do all of those?
    It was a dark and stormy night...
    ...and as I read the posts, a clear view formed between the critical aspects behind them and I envisioned of making a well founded, insightful post, bridging it all together and bringing closure to the thread and peace on earth and...

    ...and...

    ...then it dawned on me:
    • What's the point?
    • Who cares?
    • And why/why not?
    • Why bother in either case?
    • What would it change?
    • Would it fix the INFJ's [or any other type] of the world so that their reasoning would never fault them or anyone else, and doorslamming would always be a healthy course of action?
    • Would it fixthe receivers of the door-slam to stop causing INFJ [or any other type] to having to resort to dishing it out?
    • Would it end the J/P divide of different stances on keeping options open, need for closure, <insert relevant clashing dynamics here>?
    • Would it end all miscommunication and door-slamming between people of all types from ever happening again, ensuring peace on Earth and ending poverty and world hunger?


    And since I could not honestly answer any of the above with an affirmative response, I've decided to leave it at that.
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
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