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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #491
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    No. Of course not. I guess what I'm saying is that even when I do cut the human deadweight out of my life (which I sometimes do) my own actions feel offensive to me on some level. I really think it's a P/J thing. I just can't stand cutting off my options. Even if I decide to not talk to someone anymore, I know in my head that I have the option to change my mind later. That flexibility gives me peace. I think it's just the opposite for an INFJ who needs to feel a sense of closure and permanency in their relationships. Perhaps the idea of keeping a little window open for future interaction with a doorslammed person seems equally as uncomfortable.
    I suppose that is partly a P/J thing. I am not a huge fan of keeping my options open, or at least it's not something I prioritize.

    I move on from people with enormous difficulty and pain, even if all indications are that it's the right thing to do. But when I have finally moved on it's unusual for me to "want them back". It is then over, in general.

    I really don't like the assumption that comes and goes through this thread that INFJs do this easily or with pleasure. When I've "doorslammed" or even gradually quietly phased someone out, I've had extreme painful sadness and anger (generally, both at myself and them), episodes of depression, physical nausea and inability to eat for days on end, recurring dreams about the person (sometimes for years), and lingering sadness and feelings of loss, often for years. That sound like something we do for fun, to you?
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  2. #492
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I really don't like the assumption that comes and goes through this thread that INFJs do this easily or with pleasure.
    nobody's assuming that.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.
    except the moment you decided to block off the other person's side, your "realization" is not only based on limited information but is based on your choice to limit your own information. the reality is that it may be the truth - that they may really not be worthwhile - but whatever the truth is you decided - by the very nature of the doorslam - that your not willing to let yourself ever find out.

    and no, i don't believe its fine to "force it", just like i don't believe it's ok to force the growing minority (at least in the 90's) in south africa who believe HIV is a white man's conspirecy to limit their population to wear condoms or get themselves checked for HIV. it's not ok to force it, but having the understanding that they are hurting themselves and their loved ones i'm sure as hell going to speak up against it.


    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    However, I would still contend that you read enormously into the information that she provided about the above "doorslam". Saying "well, INFJs tend to lie by omission, so obviously you did exactly that thing here"...with all due respect, what the hell kind of argument is that?
    one against hypocritical judgement?

  3. #493
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    except the moment you decided to block off the other person's side, your "realization" is not only based on limited information but is based on your choice to limit your own information. the reality is that it may be the truth - that they may really not be worthwhile - but whatever the truth is you decided - by the very nature of the doorslam - that your not willing to let yourself ever find out.
    I don't think you're ever going to acknowledge that up until the time of the doorslam, the INFJ (or whoever) may have put in enormous effort already to see the other person's side and to work with them. And that the failure of such efforts will have contributed to the eventual end of the relationship.

    I'm really starting to see why your INFJ doorslammed you. Cheers.
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  4. #494
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I don't think you're ever going to acknowledge that up until the time of the doorslam, the INFJ (or whoever) may have put in enormous effort already to see the other person's side and to work with them. And that the failure of such efforts will have contributed to the eventual end of the relationship.
    i do, i also see it as ireleavent - there are many factors that limit the thoughts one can have or express within a relationship, not the least of which is the wiggling of the door and the eggshells one has to walk on. the moment you decided to block post-mortem insight into what happened into the relationship, you are still making a choice to function on limited information.

    basically, this is what a doorslam is:


    and there's never any wisdom in doing that.

  5. #495
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    i do, i also see it as ireleavent - there are many factors that limit the thoughts one can have or express within a relationship, not the least of which is the wiggling of the door and the eggshells one has to walk on. the moment you decided to block post-mortem insight into what happened into the relationship, you are still making a choice to function on limited information.
    Well, I guess you should just give up your INFJ obsession in that case...we're obviously a lost cause, as so many of us don't agree with your approach and your efforts to set yourself up as Messiah to the deluded INFJs are not working out too well.
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Well, I guess you should just give up your INFJ obsession in that case...we're obviously a lost cause, as so many of us don't agree with your approach and your efforts to set yourself up as Messiah to the deluded INFJs are not working out too well.
    rofl, there's so many redicules presumptions in that post...

    first, the goal - your trying to shut me up - as if me shutting up would make what i say any less reasonable.

    second, your projecting your own attiude on the entire personality type. INFJs are capable of being reasonable people, as well as true indeviduals, and as such, it's perfectly understandable and even expected that INFJs and doorslammers of all types who are capable of questioning their own decisions might not feel comfortable saying it out loud when there's a mob defensive reaction in the name of "their own side".

    third, your assuming i am expressing my thoughts and making my points in order to "save you"... really, where would that be coming from? does anything about me say "idealist" to you? i am not speaking my mind in order to "save you" any more then you are speaking your mind in order to "save me from the foolishness of listening to the other side after i have a conflict in a relationships".

    also, i would be grateful if you can keep it civil and avoid snide remarks about my marriage unless they are backedup with actual insight. there's already a member of this little INFJ front who has degraded herself into trolling outside of this thread, if you want to stand in defense of INFJ doorslammers you might consider trying to do so with dignity.

  7. #497
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    Reasonable? I find your assumption that all INFJs are always wrong and acting abusively when they take this course of action pretty offensive, actually. Do you have some omniscient perspective that we're not aware of?

    It's also extremely offensive that you assume we don't introspect and question our own decisions. How on earth can you assume this about me or anyone in this thread? You really see no signs of introspection and soul-searching here? Wow. I haven't heard that ENTPs are renowned for that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post

    and no, i don't believe its fine to "force it", just like i don't believe it's ok to force the growing minority (at least in the 90's) in south africa who believe HIV is a white man's conspirecy to limit their population to wear condoms or get themselves checked for HIV. it's not ok to force it, but having the understanding that they are hurting themselves and their loved ones i'm sure as hell going to speak up against it.
    Trying to save us from ourselves, much? Do you not see this?
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  8. #498
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Reasonable? I find your assumption that all INFJs are always wrong and acting abusively when they take this course of action pretty offensive, actually.
    reasonable as in i have showed the lines of reason behind it, reasonable has nothing to do with how you feel when you hear it.

    i would feel like crap if people told me something i've done to people i cared about was abusive too, and i might try to defend my actions, but if the line of reasoning is sound and all i have left is to attack the person's motive in saying it, then thankfully i have the capacity to question myself and recognize where i did mistakes even when it feels like crap.

  9. #499
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    reasonable as in i have showed the lines of reason behind it, reasonable has nothing to do with how you feel about it.

    i would feel like crap if people told me something i've done to people i cared about was abusive too, and i might try to defend my actions, but if the line of reasoning is sound and all i have left is to attack the person's motive in saying it, then thankfully i have the capacity to question myself and recognize where i did mistakes even when it feels like crap.
    On what basis are you saying that your line of reasoning is sound?

    I haven't seen any evidence in you of self-examination in your issues with INFJs, any questioning of your own role and very little acknowledgement of mistakes that you made. Just a blanket attempt to tell us ALL (or almost all) where we're always going wrong in these situations.
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    How on earth can you assume this about me or anyone in this thread?
    because your making a decision to limit the amount of information you can work with, you might question yourself but when you say no to a direction of potential answers - the person you doorslammed - you are forcing yourself into a very short-sighted degree of self doubt.

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I haven't seen any evidence in you of self-examination in your issues with INFJs, any questioning of your own role and very little acknowledgement of mistakes that you made. Just a blanket attempt to tell us ALL (or almost all) where we're always going wrong in these situations.
    have you even read my first post here? 99% of it is a derivative of self-examination, acknowledging my mistakes and questioning the reasons i've done them...

    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    On what basis are you saying that your line of reasoning is sound?
    should i repeat all i've said here?

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