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  1. #41
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    I just reread my post and I wanted to say that I'm not trying to be overly harsh to INFJs. Most INFJs I know are wonderfully sensitive and intuitive people. But I think this is an inherent weakness of the INFJ personality.

    All personality types have inherent blind spots.... including ENFPs like moi. (We could do several threads on ENFPs inherent blind spots.)

    I think the trick is to balance ourselves. Don't use the cognitive process we're most comfortable with (which for an INFJ is Ni followed by Fe). Use the process that best fits the situation. This means using a little Ne or God forbid Te if the situation calls for it. And, it seems like a little T (either introverted or extraverted) might be a useful cognitive process before taking such a drastic and often irreversible action.

  2. #42
    Senior Member tastes_like_purple's Avatar
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    I was in a relationship with an INFJ for a couple of months. We broke up and he started acting weird with me so i confronted him about it. Then he cut off all contact with me and i havn't heard a word from him since He blocked me on MSN and other stuff aswell -_-
    A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes,
    I screamed aloud, as it tore through them,
    and now it's left me blind...

  3. #43
    Senior Member HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tastes_like_purple View Post
    I was in a relationship with an INFJ for a couple of months. We broke up and he started acting weird with me so i confronted him about it. Then he cut off all contact with me and i havn't heard a word from him since He blocked me on MSN and other stuff aswell -_-
    Oh dear...I've done this.
    When an INFJ moves on they really do move on....don't take it personally, there's nothing wrong with you. We can be arseholes sometimes.
    I try and stay in cntact with ex partners, but going from such a close intimate attachment to just friends feels rather weird so it's easy to drift apart. An INFJ will try to leave quietly, usually by slipping away and breaking off all contact, not giving a second to thought to how they have had an impact on that person's life and how much they will be missed etc. I used to do that, I'm trying not to anymore. It really hurts people's feelings.
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

  4. #44
    Member Goodewitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly View Post
    Oh dear...I've done this.
    When an INFJ moves on they really do move on....don't take it personally, there's nothing wrong with you. We can be arseholes sometimes.
    I try and stay in cntact with ex partners, but going from such a close intimate attachment to just friends feels rather weird so it's easy to drift apart. An INFJ will try to leave quietly, usually by slipping away and breaking off all contact, not giving a second to thought to how they have had an impact on that person's life and how much they will be missed etc. I used to do that, I'm trying not to anymore. It really hurts people's feelings.
    This... ^^^^^
    Theres a good chance thats the reason for it. Yes, its the more dickish behaviour of INFJ, and Ive just recently done this.
    Or,.. it could also be that despite breaking up with you, he still has 'those' feelings for you and cant handle being freinds after an intimate relationship. In a case like that, he would be acting weird, because his feelings are unrequited, and man,.. thats a case for a doorslam if ever I've known a one.
    Why torture yourself and hurt the other by remaining freinds? Yup, moving on is best.
    G. x
    My INFJ license is regulary revoked,.. I am a sometime refugee in the INTJ holding centre.

  5. #45
    Senior Member HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodewitch View Post
    This... ^^^^^
    Theres a good chance thats the reason for it. Yes, its the more dickish behaviour of INFJ, and Ive just recently done this.
    Or,.. it could also be that despite breaking up with you, he still has 'those' feelings for you and cant handle being freinds after an intimate relationship. In a case like that, he would be acting weird, because his feelings are unrequited, and man,.. thats a case for a doorslam if ever I've known a one.
    Why torture yourself and hurt the other by remaining freinds? Yup, moving on is best.
    G. x
    Yeah I don't just drop people for no reason. Like I said in a previous post I'm so loyal I stick around well after I should have left. It's usually a build up of things and then I'll doorslam someone over something that isn't actually that major but I've reached breaking point.
    The only time I doorslam someone for no reason if when I am too ashamed to admit that I have problems that I'm struggling to solve.
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

  6. #46
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I just reread my post and I wanted to say that I'm not trying to be overly harsh to INFJs. Most INFJs I know are wonderfully sensitive and intuitive people. But I think this is an inherent weakness of the INFJ personality.

    All personality types have inherent blind spots.... including ENFPs like moi. (We could do several threads on ENFPs inherent blind spots.)

    I think the trick is to balance ourselves. Don't use the cognitive process we're most comfortable with (which for an INFJ is Ni followed by Fe). Use the process that best fits the situation. This means using a little Ne or God forbid Te if the situation calls for it. And, it seems like a little T (either introverted or extraverted) might be a useful cognitive process before taking such a drastic and often irreversible action.
    It's not really harsh so much as invalidating. It's as if you are some kind of authority on what kind of action is appropriate/acceptable for a person to take, when you really aren't. If you've been door-slammed by multiple INFJs there may be a reason for it beyond their being immature and defective. People shared in this thread to help offer insight, not to be diagnosed, ya know? It's kind of like a trap.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #47
    Senior Member tastes_like_purple's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly View Post
    Oh dear...I've done this.
    When an INFJ moves on they really do move on....don't take it personally, there's nothing wrong with you. We can be arseholes sometimes.
    I try and stay in cntact with ex partners, but going from such a close intimate attachment to just friends feels rather weird so it's easy to drift apart. An INFJ will try to leave quietly, usually by slipping away and breaking off all contact, not giving a second to thought to how they have had an impact on that person's life and how much they will be missed etc. I used to do that, I'm trying not to anymore. It really hurts people's feelings.
    Thanks for clearing it up for me anyway. Damn i miss that asshole, makes me angrier xD
    A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes,
    I screamed aloud, as it tore through them,
    and now it's left me blind...

  8. #48
    Senior Member tastes_like_purple's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodewitch View Post
    This... ^^^^^
    Theres a good chance thats the reason for it. Yes, its the more dickish behaviour of INFJ, and Ive just recently done this.
    Or,.. it could also be that despite breaking up with you, he still has 'those' feelings for you and cant handle being freinds after an intimate relationship. In a case like that, he would be acting weird, because his feelings are unrequited, and man,.. thats a case for a doorslam if ever I've known a one.
    Why torture yourself and hurt the other by remaining freinds? Yup, moving on is best.
    G. x
    He was the one who broke us up and for no apparent reason. I was completely shocked because i didn't see it coming and i couldn't tell why he did even by his expression or anything, i thought i knew him really well.
    Ah well, no point gettin' all deep about it now xD
    I still adore INFJs though. Once you go INFJ you never go back ;D
    LMAO
    A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes,
    I screamed aloud, as it tore through them,
    and now it's left me blind...

  9. #49
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wedekit View Post
    Whenever someone does something intentionally wrong to me it just makes more sense to cut them out of my life. To be honest, I usually am not able to see any clear reason why I should ever risk trusting them again. I've definitely slammed the door on some major people (at the time) in my life, and most of them never got to see that door opened again.

    I'm also guilty of not sharing with them why I choose not to associate myself with them anymore. If I don't want to let them back in then I don't see a reason to discuss with them why I am angry.

    For example, after 5 months my ex broke up with me. He told me he didn't see himself in a relationship when he went to college in the fall (in St. Louis). I told him that made sense, and we agreed to try and be friends. Two days later Facebook informed me he was dating someone else. I unadded him from my friends and haven't spoken to him since. He sent me a message asking why we weren't friends anymore... I didn't reply. We live in the same small town, so I'm bound to run into him eventually. I dread that day.

    I can't believe he doesn't realize why I would be upset. His profile picture when he sent me the message was of him and his new (unattractive) boyfriend. I can't believe I dated a MORON for 5 months!
    First of all, as a bit of a lurker on this site, I've enjoyed many of your posts as being very thoughtful, Wedekit. Thank you for sharing your insights.

    I've tried to understand what you're saying in this post and I have to admit that I'm baffled. I'm not sure even where to begin:

    • You say "Whenever someone does something intentionally wrong to me it just makes more sense to cut them out of my life." But this seems like a self-defeating behavior because all people whose lives are closely packed together occasionally do something wrong to the other person. Sometimes they aren't aware of their dumbness. Sometimes, when they are not their best selves, they can be *sses. These are the good people, the bad people, and everyone else who falls in between including you and me. I would encourage you to be wary of such all or nothing statements. When you next screw up... or let the 8th grader in you come out... or are petty on a day you're hungover and grumpy, would you want your friends to do respond in this way to you?
    • You say, "I'm also guilty of not sharing with them why I choose not to associate myself with them anymore. If I don't want to let them back in then I don't see a reason to discuss with them why I am angry." I say with kindness that this sounds pretty darn selfish and immature to me. From your picture you look pretty young. Maybe early 20s? I hope I don't sound like a geriatric jerk by saying this, but with more life experience, you might come to appreciate that IT'S NOT ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU. There's another person involved here. Maybe you don't think YOU have a reason to share your reasoning with them. But that's not the point. You can still protect your boundaries while acting with love and kindness toward the other person. Perhaps telling them the reason will give them an opportunity to grow. Perhaps telling them will lead to a discussion that will result in you realizing you completely misinterpreted the situation. (Have you considered that you might actually be wrong some of the time.) Thinking about the other person's needs (even if they have wronged you) is agape love. And cutting them out without giving them a reason is a unilateral solution that only seems to make sense (by the reasoning that you stated) if you never make a mistake, jump the gun, misinterpret their comments, etc. This doesn't seem like a very solid plan to me.
    • You say, "...after... my ex broke up with me... He told me he didn't see himself in a relationship when he went to college in the fall. I told him that made sense, and we agreed to try and be friends. Two days later Facebook informed me he was dating someone else. I unadded him and haven't spoken to him since. He sent me a message asking why we weren't friends anymore... I didn't reply." I've gotta tell you that I hear lack of life experience and lack of humility. I don't have to have ever met you to know that you have screwed up royally sometimes. You have said one thing and done another. You have acted without grace and inconsistently when under pressure. I can tell you these things because all people are guilty of these kinds of sins. Maybe your ex is a jerk. Whatever his sins, is he not also is a sometimes muddled person filled with unresolved paradoxes like we all are? Don't you think you owe him the respect of telling him why you would take such a unilateral action? I would gently encourage you to re-examine your reasoning. Once again, I remind you that it's not all about you....


    We all impact other people's lives whether we want to or not. So perhaps you might want to do a rethink because it sounds like the feelings of the other person (again even if they've wronged you, their feelings are relevant) are not a big part... or in fact any part... of your equation.

    Humbly and respectfully,

    Esoteric Wench

  10. #50
    Senior Member HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tastes_like_purple View Post
    Thanks for clearing it up for me anyway. Damn i miss that asshole, makes me angrier xD
    He might have disappeared because he thinks you still have feelings for him and he thinks he's doing you a favour. Sounds crazy but when an INFJ thinks they are doing the right thing, especially if it's for others, they'll just go do it. I can't speak for all INFJs, but I have done this and when someone has asked me why I'm being weird/distant, I don't tell them because I think I'm doing the right thing.
    Like I said, there's nothing wrong with you. We deal with things in a weird way sometimes
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

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