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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #481
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    I still don't believe in the door slam, even in extreme self protective circumstances. Far fetched example of escaping abuse or something, I still believe in getting a clear, direct message somehow to the other person of what you are doing, what you want and why. I think there is value in that.

    If there was no extremely large sums of money and a house involved, I would have let it go long ago. There would have been an initial shock, then possibly trying to communicate, but after it was clear that the other person was okay and simply choosing to disappear, I'd have move forward on my own rather quickly. And, to me, that is all about self-esteem. If you believe in yourself, and do the things daily that you need to do in life, you will do fine.

    I also never say never. If someone door slammed me and later came back out of the blue, I would listen. I would have my guard up, and that person would have to re-earn and re-establish trust with me over time, but, it's possible that person could then have some new place in my life again.

    Feelings aren't facts. Feelings have value. But, they don't have value without facts.

  2. #482
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    We should make a list of everything that's funny, and everything that isn't. Because I'm sick of being surprised by things that I think will be funny, only to find out they're not.
    You totally think getting into the slowest moving line is going to be funny and it never is.

  3. #483
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    That's why I'm saying, we should really make some kind of list. As definitive a list as possible.
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  4. #484
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post


    now, this is going to seem a bit ugly - picking a case to disect - but fidelia's example is the most easy to demonstrate:
    i don't know her well enough to know if it applies to her fully, but the chances are very good that it does - because generally INFJs tend to be very private with the information they will let themselves divulge about themselves and as people who often take the social role of providing council, it is nearly unavoidable that they will find themselves in situations where they will avoid giving away information that other people would find important. in other words, lying-by-omission. yet in her doorslamming story, the reason she doorslammed her ex was him doing something that she probably does herself often - lying by omission. now, i'm sure she score a lot on those to get an INFJ, but where was the Ni-Fe then at that moment? where was the room for reasons, circumstances and justifications from his perspective that in all probably she lends herself? my answer is simple - it wasn't there.
    You know, this is really pretty damn presumptuous of you. You're correct that you don't know her at all and you just read a bunch of crap into what she said. Her ex was not one of the (two?) people she described as having "doorslammed". Those of us who have been on the forum a little longer have read a little more about her experiences and what led to the breakup and any subsequent interactions they had.

    You've just put a bizarre spin on a story you know virtually nothing about to support your own agenda. What you've said indicates that you're not even reading what most of us are writing here properly...
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  5. #485
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    You know, this is really pretty damn presumptuous of you. You're correct that you don't know her at all and you just read a bunch of crap into what she said. Her ex was not one of the (two?) people she described as having "doorslammed". Those of us who have been on the forum a little longer have read a little more about her experiences and what led to the breakup and any subsequent interactions they had.

    You've just put a bizarre spin on a story you know virtually nothing about to support your own agenda. What you've said indicates that you're not even reading what most of us are writing here properly...
    He's sort of like a shopping cart with a faulty wheel. Instead of going straight down the aisle he keeps wanting to swerve and crash into the pastry display case.
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  6. #486
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    You know, this is really pretty damn presumptuous of you. You're correct that you don't know her at all and you just read a bunch of crap into what she said. Her ex was not one of the (two?) people she described as having "doorslammed".
    i was working with the information i had:
    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    I can only think of two people where this has been the case. In one case, it was a former summer boyfriend whom I had written to throughout university with the understanding that neither of us were interested in pursuing a relationship. However, as he continued writing, something seemed a little off and I found out that he had been dating someone for quite some time and chose not to mention it because he didn't feel good about the choices he was making and didn't want anyone to call him on them. To me, I felt it was disrespectful to his girlfriend and so told him when I chose to discontinue contact that 1) friendships are built on honesty 2) if I were his girlfriend, I wouldn't like him communicating daily with someone he used to date, even if for a short time.
    did i misinterpret something?

    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    I don’t understand your point here. Does it seem to you like I am trying to make you look bad in effort to discredit your point? As if I’m not tackling the specific issues about what you’re saying that don’t add up to me…..but attacking you instead? Because I’m pretty sure I’m only attacking specifically the things that don’t add up. I’m being snarky, but I’m still only sticking directly to what I have a problem with.
    if you would just be using it as a verbal tactics and doing so consciously that wouldn't be as bad, but based on what you and a couple of others have said here, your using the ad hominem much earlier, questioning the credibility of the source rather then the argument itself within the stage where your examining the argument in your head.

    as for the rest of your post - yes, i am sorry for the misunderstanding, but i do in fact happen to know what i was thinking and what i meant, and no, i never meant that INFJs took delight in doorslamming but that INFJs are supportive of each other's doorslamming.

    there's exactly one thing i am assuming or 'projecting' in the doorslamming stories - that you decided to block off communication so you can not listen or hear the other side once its done. otherwise i don't consider it a doorslam.

  7. #487
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    [Y]ou decided to block off communication so you can not listen or hear the other side once its done.
    ^^^^^^^^
    I've gotta say that the way @Mane worded this reminded me of what really bothers me about doorslamming. I understand that cutting off contact may be a natural and valid choice if you're an INFJ. And that for the doorslamming INFJ it always seems like there is a valid reason.

    But doorslamming still seems so unilateral. It's inherently selfish. And frankly, it oftentimes seems shortsighted.

    Maybe it's a P/J thing. But the idea of permanently cutting off one's options with another person (which is what doorslamming is all about) just feels offensive to me.
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  8. #488
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    ^^^^^^^^
    I've gotta say that the way @Mane worded this reminded me of what really bothers me about doorslamming. I understand that cutting off contact may be a natural and valid choice if you're an INFJ. And that for the doorslamming INFJ it always seems like there is a valid reason.

    But doorslamming still seems so unilateral. It's inherently selfish. And frankly, it oftentimes seems shortsighted.

    Maybe it's a P/J thing. But the idea of permanently cutting off one's options with another person (which is what doorslamming is all about) just feels offensive to me.
    Why is there an assumption that it is always worthwhile to keep your options open with other people? I completely don't get that.

    Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.

    Ask someone like @Halla74. He's an ESTP and he's told me several times on this forum to divest myself of human deadweight in my life!

    Here's a question: do you think it's right to force a person to stay in a relationship (whatever its nature) that they no longer want to be in and that they may have put considerable effort into already - only to have things damaged beyond repair, or to receive confirmation that you and the other person will never agree on the parameters of the relationship?

    Some people are users, emotional vampires, individuals who will never be satisfied until their unreasonable and violating demands are satisfied, people who assume that you will be happy with whatever spin THEY choose to put on the relationship...etc.

    I've read nothing in this thread that has convinced me that keeping such people around indefinitely, and listening to their arguments indefinitely, is the right thing to do.
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  9. #489
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    i was working with the information i had:

    did i misinterpret something?
    Right. I thought you were referring to a longer-term relationship Fidelia has discussed on this forum and also referred to in this thread (an ESTJ.) My mistake.

    However, I would still contend that you read enormously into the information that she provided about the above "doorslam". Saying "well, INFJs tend to lie by omission, so obviously you did exactly that thing here"...with all due respect, what the hell kind of argument is that?
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  10. #490
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    Why is there an assumption that it is always worthwhile to keep your options open with other people? I completely don't get that.

    Realising that some people are not worth (to me) having in my life has been a good thing for me. These people are a waste of space in my life and I am better off without them taking up that room.

    Ask someone like @Halla74. He's an ESTP and he's told me several times on this forum to divest myself of human deadweight in my life!

    Here's a question: do you think it's right to force a person to stay in a relationship (whatever its nature) that they no longer want to be in and that they may have put considerable effort into already - only to have things damaged beyond repair, or to receive confirmation that you and the other person will never agree on the parameters of the relationship?
    No. Of course not. I guess what I'm saying is that even when I do cut the human deadweight out of my life (which I sometimes do) my own actions feel offensive to me on some level. I really think it's a P/J thing. I just can't stand cutting off my options. Even if I decide to not talk to someone anymore, I know in my head that I have the option to change my mind later. That flexibility gives me peace. I think it's just the opposite for an INFJ who needs to feel a sense of closure and permanency in their relationships. Perhaps the idea of keeping a little window open for future interaction with a doorslammed person seems equally as uncomfortable.
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