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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #471
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by YWIR View Post
    The doors-slamming/disappearance act mentioned in OP.
    Yeah, this has been extensively debated, and cause for much clashing, as depicted in various exchanges. It's not easy to being able to make an accurate, unbiased assessment, and even if/when that is accomplished, finding room and openness/interest for having it pointed out is not a trivial task.
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
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  2. #472
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    Violaine, I thought your entire post was well thought out and trying to take a step back.

    I think part of my post was less-well-worded, but I was trying to say similar with the below:
    I didn't get a chance to read most of the posts in the thread. But these are the kinds of moments that make me think there really is something to MBTI.

    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    I find it kind of perplexing/confusing if people only see INFJ's in the light of empathy/factoring others in. Yes, that's a piece, but that's not at all the extent of the INFJ pesona, and I think it is a mistake if others fall into the habit of viewing this as the primary driving force behind an INFJ. Fe is only one aspect of the INFJ, and incorporating other aspects is not a negative thing imo.

    Also, I think there are many things going on in this thread, and I fear we're all probably talking about different things. I still don't really understand a complete shutout without resolution/closure.
    I also find it perplexing. I'm jumping off from your post a little as inspiration.

    -----
    It's especially annoying when you've taken great pains to go "hey, hellooo, make sure you don't take advantage of my nature." Some people just see others through the lens of what they can do for them. They're users. They're attracted to the overly-empathetic.

    And some people have awful boundaries and would do well to listen to that little voice that protests how much of themselves they are giving away. And take action, in the moment.

    People who deplete each other are incompatible, imho. To try to change that to a dynamic that works for both is exhausting and a huge investment and ultimately, a gamble. Sometimes it's not worth it.

    -----
    And I think you're right about it being an issue about which it is difficult to reach any kind of consensus. There are so many different ways this kind of thing plays out. Some are fair and some not. The pragmatist in me thinks there's comfort in letting go of the other person. No matter their reasons, they want out. It's almost disrespectful to try to hold someone back. Especially when it involves any kind of manipulating of the empath's emotions to try to get them to stay.

  3. #473
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    Quote Originally Posted by YWIR View Post
    A sensible person wouldn't put up with this sort of behaviour. It's exhausting. I understand needing to take a day or two to brew things over, but ultimately, clear communication needs to be established.
    no kidding.
    Quote Originally Posted by YWIR View Post
    The doors-slamming/disappearance act mentioned in OP.
    how exactly would you not put up with it (other then doorslamming)? any ideas?

    remember, the person just blocked communication with you...
    how do you establish clear communication?

  4. #474
    Riva
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    Out of all NFs, I feel the most insecure when interacting with INFJs. I constantly fear that at any moment the INFJ I'm interacting with would door-slam me. Lolz...

    Marrying an INFJ would be a bad idea. It would be like walking on egg-shells for the rest of your life.

  5. #475
    violaine
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riva View Post
    Out of all NFs, I feel the most insecure when interacting with INFJs. I constantly fear that at any moment the INFJ I'm interacting with would door-slam me. Lolz...

    Marrying an INFJ would be a bad idea. It would be like walking on egg-shells for the rest of your life.
    It's not that way when the relationship is right. (Personally, I've never made anyone walk on eggshells). But I'm sure it is for people who can't find a way to make each other feel good. Particularly because I think an INFJ finds it really hard to settle for less. Well, they do if they are anything like me.

  6. #476
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Starry View Post
    ***I know it is my morbid sense of humor...but I do need people to laugh when they imagine me in my situation (having absolutely no understanding of what had happened to me)...first stumbling across posts on other sites containing messages like...'whoooooo I totally doorslammed someone! I heart doorslamming!'. I'm sorry but I do think it's funny.
    It really is. It’s like we all come into these threads informed by our own emo-charged not-being-heard doorslam experience- probably looking for resolution, since we never got it from the other person- and end up stumbling on the worst thing to hear (i.e. “WOOOOOOOOT! Another notch on my doorslam belt-of-empowerment tally!!!!” or “Doorslams are NEVER warranted!!”). It’s farcical. It turns into a big pile of people with not-being-heard baggage saying “You’re not listening” to each other.


    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    first: research ad hominems, seriously. it's really fundemental to rational thinking, and their are INFJs who are competent at rational thinking.
    I don’t understand your point here. Does it seem to you like I am trying to make you look bad in effort to discredit your point? As if I’m not tackling the specific issues about what you’re saying that don’t add up to me…..but attacking you instead? Because I’m pretty sure I’m only attacking specifically the things that don’t add up. I’m being snarky, but I’m still only sticking directly to what I have a problem with.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    second:

    try to quote those mentions of my saying that. see, while by high fiving each other i meant showing support towards each other. i know i never percieved INFJs as taking a delight in it, i'm pretty sure i never described that they did. that was something 'extra' that youv'e read.
    So I guess what we have here is a different association with certain words? Because it is correct that you did not use the word ‘delight’; yet it seems to me like if people are "high-fiving" each other, then they’re delighting in something. I don’t really see the conflict, but apologies if ‘delighting’ seemed to twist your meaning (as "high-fiving" seemed to twist others' meanings to me).


    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    which sort of makes this:
    This makes me think you're hearing something *extra* when we say ‘we consider the source’.
    sad...

    and no, not only because you’re giving up on an idea (that is actually partially inspired by something you've said btw) that could potentially help you in life and save your loved ones a lot of pain just because you jumped your conclusion of my understanding of the situation, but because that kind of thinking in itself is integral to the doorslam phenomena: judging other's character for what you do yourself.
    So you already know that whatever is setting off the internal alarms of many INFJs (not just one- mind you- many INFJs) in your posts…..is definitely an error on our part? You didn’t possibly add something *extra*- some kernel of your own experience prior to reading this thread didn’t maybe influence your interpretation, and this is so clear to you that it’s sad I’m even suggesting it? Plus the additional point I tried to make- that you might not be understanding ‘consider the source’ in the way I mean it (because in the way I mean it- it is DEFINITELY an INFJ tendency…..and that if you don’t see it as one, you’ve more than likely misunderstood what I meant)…..did you spend even a millisecond considering the possibility I might actually have a point on either issue? Do you think you are considering anyone else’s perspective in this thread, or are you impulsively rejecting everything which doesn’t match what you already think? How are you not doing exactly what you are accusing me (and INFJs) of doing?


    And in addition to what violaine said (and because it does seem like ENPs are the ones who complain about us doing this more than anyone else), I suspect T-ish ENPs have no idea how taxing it is to argue about someone crossing our boundaries (or more specifically- how quick they come up with arguments themselves which can be immediately articulated, and how it doesn’t work like that for other people…..especially Ni). I used to tell the ENTP I was with for 8 years that arguing with him felt like going up against a samurai armed only with a plastic cocktail sword- at least outwardly, stamina-wise, where being able to articulate ‘what seems wrong’ is concerned- and that obliviously arguing every single thing and expecting me to be able to do the same was as stupid as me expecting him to ‘already know’ stuff. It does get to be too much and it does get overwhelming, and it does get to the point where it’s really not worth the effort anymore. INFJs may have a bad tendency to withdraw and not share issues, but ENTPs can be like the semantic equivalent of Lenny from Of Mice And Men: killing puppies by ‘loving’ them. And I swear- sometimes these threads- it really sounds like ENTPs showing up and being all “Bad puppy, for dying! Bad puppy!”
    Last edited by Z Buck McFate; 03-22-2012 at 05:44 PM. Reason: fixed wording
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  7. #477
    weightless Array iwakar's Avatar
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    Among adults and peers, choosing to reject the influence of those that insist they have the right to exert it over your person is not tyrannical, it's autonomy. Believing otherwise is tyrannical, however. The choice is not without its criticisms of course. You could allege paranoia, obstinance, or even fatalism, but not tyranny. Being galled at your inability to exert influence over others implies a failure to accept the limitations of your individuality and the paradoxical freedom it can grant you.

    Some people have the courage and humility to tote their little red wagon of errors better than others.
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  8. #478
    figsfiggyfigs
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mane View Post
    no kidding.

    how exactly would you not put up with it (other then doorslamming)? any ideas?

    remember, the person just blocked communication with you...
    how do you establish clear communication?
    Well. It's either that person wants you to work your ass off and grovel to them( make them feel like you would fight for them, and they again, have the upper hand), or they really do just want to cut you off because they can't stand you for a certain period of time. Possibly test boundaries, and see how far you're willing to go, and how far they can make you go.

    There could be many causes for door slamming, misunderstandings to be a possibly reason, in which case, find a means of sending the message out. Even if they don't respond or acknowledge, humans are self-absorbed and curious, they will eventually read it.
    After that, they can either start up communication again, or decide not to( also possible reasons for this--shame, feeling stupid, or the letter was inadequate). In any case, if a person instantly cuts you off to that extent( removes you of their life for a period longer than a week) then magically reappears like nothing happened, they lack the maturity to treat their friend with respect, the responsibility to work with a friend in order to reach a understanding for both sides, and the strength to deal with tough situations.
    I feel like door-slamming's main target, is Power Play; getting control.
    It's not just needing some time off to yourself, but it's more of a punishment and a silent message being sent to the victim.
    I don't really know what else I can say in regards to HOW to re-establish communication with a person who cuts you out completely other than letting THEM establish it when they're ready.

    A reasonable response similar to all of this is isolating yourself for a day or two from a situation to figure out WHY you feel a certain way, then going back to the individual, and discussing it maturely in a time fitting for both. THIS I can see happening.

  9. #479
    Immanentize the Eschaton Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    It really is. It’s like we all come into these threads informed by our own emo-charged not-being-heard doorslam experience- probably looking for resolution, since we never got it from the other person- and end up stumbling on the worst thing to hear (i.e. “WOOOOOOOOT! Another notch on my doorslam belt-of-empowerment tally!!!!” or “Doorslams are NEVER warranted!!”). It’s farcical. It turns into a big pile of people with not-being-heard baggage saying “You’re not listening” to each other.
    I want to make this clear though... always being the one that gets into the longest/slowest moving lines at the check-out...that is NOT funny.

  10. #480
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    We should make a list of everything that's funny, and everything that isn't. Because I'm sick of being surprised by things that I think will be funny, only to find out they're not.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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