[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

[BalanceFind]

i think it might be q Fe>Ti thing here, from Jung's description of Fe-doms (which is more ENFJ but may still hold to a lesser extent):


questioning your past decisions is not a comfortable or emotionally convenient process - who enjoys being wrong? we all want to feel that we where right in everything that we do, we normally feel that we do, or otherwise we wouldn't have done it so, its only by being willing to think thoughts that contradict those feelings that we can process our mistakes and misdeeds, and its possibly the bigger the consequences and the more emotionally loaded the choice was, the harder it would be for an Fe>Ti to process thoughts that contradict those feelings.

as apposed to Ti>Fe, where you pretty much grow to take for granted that your emotions about other people's perspectives and even your own aren't valid, because you will have thoughts contradicting them all the time. its a heart with a bucket of salt.

Some infj's don't like details, and can be overwhelmed by messy, stressful, details. To that I say too bad. I don't like them either. I am an extroverted intuitive. I get it. But details matter, facts matter. In important business matters, they matter a lot. In personal matters, they matter too, just enough to get a clear gist of the situation.

Sometimes focusing only or mostly on introverted intuition can be bad, especially when facts, details, assumptions, hunches are far from correct or accurate.

Being an extrovert, and being a perceiver, I can visit and re-visit anything. Infj's generally speaking have weaker J than other J's.

Instead of using extroverted judgement in haste as protective defense mechanism from overflow of emotions, details, and stress, more balance is needed for perspective. And even when that happens, it isn't the end of the world, calmly re-evaluate and re-approach. This requires a small risk of vulnerability. It isn't much to ask when stakes are high.

 

[RDF]

Sorry about pulling up a particularly unwieldy thread from a probably well-deserved death. But I saw it referenced elsewhere and wanted to put in my two cents.

I think INFJ doorslams are ultimately healthy and reasonable. If I have a quibble with INFJs on this, it’s that INFJs tend to “Ni” their doorslams too much and feel unnecessarily guilty about them. Personally, I would have INFJs be more like the posters at the message boards at AskMen.com, where the standard response to a relationship problem tends to be “Dump the bitch.” Maybe then INFJs would get over it a bit and it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

As for some Ti need for closure/explanation/debate (the reference here is to the posts by Mane and BalanceFind), it’s just that: It’s just a personal need of Ti-users. No one gets exactly what they want in life; get used to it.

A bit more on the healthiness and reasonableness of INFJ doorslams:

INFJs interact with the world via Fe, and Fe is ultimately about setting and enforcing boundaries for relationships as much as anything else. And if relationships get particularly burdensome, then the ultimate way of enforcing boundaries is to dump the relationship.

To elucidate on this last point a touch (i.e., that Fe is about setting relationship boundaries): Rulebooks on networking are in vogue right now, what with the emphasis on social platforms in the media and teamwork in the workplace. The best of these books are written by Fe-Doms, and they are mostly about how to manage a large number of friends and acquaintances: For example, you assign your relationships to various categories (clients, professional associates, friends, acquaintances), set appropriate boundaries for each, schedule times to touch base with them, and generally “handle” people with an aim to maximum effectiveness.

Some will argue that this treatment of relationships is manipulative. But the networkers themselves consider it a win for everyone. The networker helps the participants in his network connect with each other and profit by the network, and meanwhile the Fe rules and boundaries allow the skilled networker to manage an ever-larger network. See the book “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi for an excellent example of this kind of Fe treatment.

And naturally anyone who violates the rules of the network immediately loses access to the network and the networker.

To sum up: Fe is a judging function, and it is about boundaries. Dumping someone who abuses the rules (an INFJ doorslam) is part and parcel of a system of good personal boundaries.

For a similar Te treatment of relationships, see the book “Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life”, by Julie Morgenstern. The author argues that 80 percent of our daily clutter can be discarded, quickly freeing up big chunks of time and energy. She defines “clutter” as “...any obsolete object, space, commitment, or behavior that weighs you down, distracts you, or depletes your energy...” She doesn’t single out relationships, but they figure heavily in the parts about commitments as clutter.

And she argues forcefully for moving quickly and aggressively to clear out the clutter. It’s all about getting your own life in order; it’s not about explaining yourself to others and begging their pardon. Don’t spend forever worrying about the opinions of others or trying to soften the blows.

To sum up: Discarding a bad relationship is just good organization (good Te). Don’t make a big deal out it. When it comes high time, you just take out the trash and then slam the door on the way back in.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I think INFJ doorslams are ultimately healthy and reasonable.

That's a pretty blanketing statement. Would it not be more accurate to say that some doorslams are healthy and reasonable while others are not? INFJs are no different than anyone else. Sometimes they do things for the wrong reasons.... and this includes the doorslam.

Fe is ultimately about setting and enforcing boundaries... To sum up: Fe is a judging function, and it is about boundaries.

While I like what you said about doorslamming being akin to cleaning up the clutter, I think what you said above is a stretch. Fe is about a lot of things, but I don't think it's correct to say that it's primarily about boundaries. As a judging function Fe (and Fi, Te, and Ti) is about making decisions. Those decisions may or may not have to do with setting relationship boundaries... though I fully admit that to an INFJ, it may feel this way. There are many types, however, like an ENFP for example, who does not feel a compelling need to organize their relationship clutter.

I don't begrudge an INFJ's right to doorslam someone. However, I do think a lot of the concern expressed by some on this thread is that sometimes doorslamming has consequences for other people which the INFJ didn't anticipate or didn't take into account. And, perhaps if they did consider these consequences, they might pick an alternative route to achieve the same end. For example no one denies that cleaning up and discarding relationship deadwood is sometimes necessary. But there is more than one way to skin the cat.... in other words, it might be possible to clean up deadwood without a doorslam. Then everyone is happier and better for it.... right?

 

[RDF]

That's a pretty blanketing statement. Would it not be more accurate to say that some doorslams are healthy and reasonable while others are not? INFJs are no different than anyone else. Sometimes they do things for the wrong reasons.... and this includes the doorslam.

I can’t comment on any one particular relationship or dumping. I’m just pointing out a generality. And originally the thread was about generalities of INFJ door-slamming, not one person’s relationship.

People get dumped from relationships. There’s nothing abnormal about it.

With respect to how INFJs do their dumping, I’m just pointing out a generality: Fe and Te are healthy, useful functions that concern themselves with closure, personal boundaries and organization. The dumping of bad or time-wasting relationships can fall under the purview of either function and can be considered healthy and useful as well.

As Fe-users, INFJs are just doing what comes natural to them. Under the appropriate circumstances, door-slamming is a healthy, useful exercise.

While I like what you said about doorslamming being akin to cleaning up the clutter, I think what you said above is a stretch. Fe is about a lot of things, but I don't think it's correct to say that it's primarily about boundaries. As a judging function Fe (and Fi, Te, and Ti) is about making decisions. Those decisions may or may not have to do with setting relationship boundaries... though I fully admit that to an INFJ, it may feel this way. There are many types, however, like an ENFP for example, who does not feel a compelling need to organize their relationship clutter.

Off the top of my head, I wouild say that the judging functions are about closure. And in a post in another thread (“ENTPs + moral dilemmas”) I argue that even ENFPs could benefit from practicing more closure. See the following post: http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=55480&p=1856487&viewfull=1#post1856487

I don't begrudge an INFJ's right to doorslam someone. However, I do think a lot of the concern expressed by some on this thread is that sometimes doorslamming has consequences for other people which the INFJ didn't anticipate or didn't take into account. And, perhaps if they did consider these consequences, they might pick an alternative route to achieve the same end. For example no one denies that cleaning up and discarding relationship deadwood is sometimes necessary. But there is more than one way to skin the cat.... in other words, it might be possible to clean up deadwood without a doorslam. Then everyone is happier and better for it.... right?

I'm just saying that INFJs are doing what's normal and healthy for their type. One can always make the argument that it's good for everyone to go against type occasionally rather than always do the stereotypical knee-jerk things that one's type does. For example, one can argue that INFPs should put aside their feelings and be more analytical occasionally; INTPs should put aside all that analysis stuff and learn to trust their feelings occasionally. And so on. I’ve made those arguments myself.

Still, at the basic gut level, you have to allow for type. INFPs are going to feel, INTPs are going to analyze, and INFJs are going to do their Fe things. You just have to allow for it. It doesn’t do any good to try to argue that INFJ doorslams are somehow illegitimate just because they piss off non-Fe types.

[Edit:] Frankly, as a non-Fe type myself (I'm INFP), I kind of admire Fe & Te users for their doorslams and organziation and quick closure. Myself, I tend to try to use Ne on break-ups. And that never works. Sooner or later you just have to close that door and move on.

 

[Anne H]

I'm new to this forum & I'm an INFJ. I have definitely doorslammed people in the past & I have regretted it because I don't like hurting people's feelings. I have also experienced the doorslam by someone who meant a lot to me in my life (and I still love the person even though he cut off all contact many years ago). So I know how it feels to have someone cut you out of their lives. However, I think everyone has a breaking point. Here is a recent example of someone who I would like to doorslam. A woman who I used to consider one of my best friends has been treating me disrespectfully for a couple of years. I can feel that she doesn't like me anymore & is just going thru the motions. Recently she invited me to an art opening at a restaurant/bar. When I walked into the place, My friend was talking to someone who I have doorslammed in the past & who now hates me. Basically the woman is a drama queen & everybody loves a good soap opera (except me). Another woman who is friends with the drama queen came up to me & rudely asked me "What are YOU doing here?" I saw my friend across the bar talking to Drama & she held her finger up to me, telling me not to approach. I would have gone up & at least said hi to Drama, but Drama would be having none of that. So my friend was over there talking to Drama (doing damage control for herself because she was the one who invited me), when Drama was already surrounded by her friends. I was by myself in a hostile environment. Then after Drama retreated to the bathroom, I found a seat & my friend came up to me & told me to get her a drink (she didn't ask or say please). So I went to the bar & waited another 10 minutes while the bartender ignored me (being an introvert has its disadvantages when you are trying to get the attention of the bartender). Finally I got her drink & went back to where I was sitting. Drama left the restaurant after I sat back down. Only then did my friend come over & talk to me (about work & exercising - 2 of the most downright shallow, boring topics anyone can possibly talk about outside of the subjects themselves). I remained calm the entire time & sat by myself, or talked to whoever would talk to me while trying to get a read on the whole situation. I found it really uncomfortable & I tried to block all the negativity coming my way that night, but some of it must have seeped in because I became really stressed by the situation & because I was stressing myself, I became physically ill. I feel my friend is not a true friend to me. I will not doorslam her, but I will never trust her again. I will be kind to her when I see her, but I know her true colors now & I can see thru her false smile. This has been the biggest instance of disrespect from her that I have had recently, but there have been so many other little instances (a thousand cuts) that I have shut down emotionally when I am around her. I have to see her. She is among the circle of people I hang out with. It would damage me if I were to doorslam her. It would force people to choose sides (as in the Drama situation) & people don't usually side with the introvert. I feel like a dog who has been kicked one too many times by her. So in social situations, I will be kind, but I will try & keep my distance & talk more to the people I really do like & admire, the ones who make me feel loved & respected for who I am, faults & all.

 

[MacGuffin]

...cool story?

 

[Anew Leaf]

...cool story?

Watch it... you are treading dangerously close to the deep waters of doorslam lake.

 

[Anew Leaf]

...cool story?

Watch it... you are treading dangerously close to the deep waters of doorslam lake.

 

[RDF]

[...]So in social situations, I will be kind, but I will try & keep my distance & talk more to the people I really do like & admire, the ones who make me feel loved & respected for who I am, faults & all.

Sounds good.

I wouldn’t fault you if you doorslammed your acquaintance. (See my posts, above.) But naturally it’s always good for people to develop coping methods above and beyond the traditional knee-jerk responses for their personality type.

Welcome to TypoC! I enjoyed reading your analysis of the situation.

 

[MacGuffin]

Watch it... you are treading dangerously close to the deep waters of doorslam lake.

Oh yeah?

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54701&p=1905321&viewfull=1#post1905321

 

[Pynkskyeblew]

New to the forum. Being an INFJ myself, I felt the need to include my two cents.

Since I can (at times) be a pretty emotional person (mix my PMDD with my INFJ), I tend to act on a whim, meaning I'll do things spur of the moment and regret them greatly later on. In response to the original post, the girl may have been embarrassed about the wrist cutting thing and didn't want to talk about it. I know I get embarrassed when I'm called out on my irrationality, especially because I know it's irrational; and yet I can't control it.

So, embarrassment is one reason why I might doorslam, but this type of doorslam is usually never permanent for me. I'll come back around and start talking to the person again someday, after analyzing the relationship and coming to the conclusion that it is "safe" to rekindle it.

I doorslam permanently if someone has extremely crossed the line. However, that doesn't mean that they don't cross my mind on several occasions (i.e. I wonder how "so and so" is doing). I also find myself contemplating on trying to rekindle the relationship, even if it is a horrible idea. I strongly dislike several people, but that doesn't mean I don't wish we could still be friends. I guess my feelings for other people play a huge part in that.

In addition, I have never doorslammed an ex. I find it hard to just cut off a relationship that I invested so many feelings into. It's impossible for me to just "disconnect"... at least until I'M ready to... but it has to be my call.

 

[sprinkles]

I did a bit of doorslamming when I was younger. (in fact I invented the title 'Missy McDoorslam' to describe myself)

Conflict manifests more physically for me. When the wrong things get said, it's like being assaulted physically because I internalize it, just kind of naturally. It's very hard not to when it seems like it isn't even a conscious decision.

Some times I'd feel like my brain had just been bashed in and my insides are ripping themselves apart, and there's an instinct to protect myself from discomfort and damage. Some times it would feel like I'm literally being beaten up and my body would physically get tense and hypervigilant and I'd feel like I want to throw up. So doorslamming could be away to preserve sanity, and a way to keep from going off on the person.

 

[LazerRedDive]

I think INFJ doorslams are ultimately healthy and reasonable. If I have a quibble with INFJs on this, it’s that INFJs tend to “Ni” their doorslams too much and feel unnecessarily guilty about them. Personally, I would have INFJs be more like the posters at the message boards at AskMen.com, where the standard response to a relationship problem tends to be “Dump the bitch.” Maybe then INFJs would get over it a bit and it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

As for some Ti need for closure/explanation/debate (the reference here is to the posts by Mane and BalanceFind), it’s just that: It’s just a personal need of Ti-users. No one gets exactly what they want in life; get used to it.

A bit more on the healthiness and reasonableness of INFJ doorslams:

INFJs interact with the world via Fe, and Fe is ultimately about setting and enforcing boundaries for relationships as much as anything else. And if relationships get particularly burdensome, then the ultimate way of enforcing boundaries is to dump the relationship.

To elucidate on this last point a touch (i.e., that Fe is about setting relationship boundaries): Rulebooks on networking are in vogue right now, what with the emphasis on social platforms in the media and teamwork in the workplace. The best of these books are written by Fe-Doms, and they are mostly about how to manage a large number of friends and acquaintances: For example, you assign your relationships to various categories (clients, professional associates, friends, acquaintances), set appropriate boundaries for each, schedule times to touch base with them, and generally “handle” people with an aim to maximum effectiveness.

Some will argue that this treatment of relationships is manipulative. But the networkers themselves consider it a win for everyone. The networker helps the participants in his network connect with each other and profit by the network, and meanwhile the Fe rules and boundaries allow the skilled networker to manage an ever-larger network. See the book “Never Eat Alone” by Keith Ferrazzi for an excellent example of this kind of Fe treatment.

And naturally anyone who violates the rules of the network immediately loses access to the network and the networker.

To sum up: Fe is a judging function, and it is about boundaries. Dumping someone who abuses the rules (an INFJ doorslam) is part and parcel of a system of good personal boundaries.

For a similar Te treatment of relationships, see the book “Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life”, by Julie Morgenstern. The author argues that 80 percent of our daily clutter can be discarded, quickly freeing up big chunks of time and energy. She defines “clutter” as “...any obsolete object, space, commitment, or behavior that weighs you down, distracts you, or depletes your energy...” She doesn’t single out relationships, but they figure heavily in the parts about commitments as clutter.

And she argues forcefully for moving quickly and aggressively to clear out the clutter. It’s all about getting your own life in order; it’s not about explaining yourself to others and begging their pardon. Don’t spend forever worrying about the opinions of others or trying to soften the blows.

To sum up: Discarding a bad relationship is just good organization (good Te). Don’t make a big deal out it. When it comes high time, you just take out the trash and then slam the door on the way back in.

Okay so I know this thread has been put to sleep for a few months now, but I also wanted to put in my two cents

I haven't read through this entire thread yet, and apologize in advance for any redundancies, but I have been door slammed by an INFJ who got me pregnant!! He blew me off by telling me he had cancer (which may or may not have been a lie) calling me a btch and a whore, saying I was nothing to him and wishing me good luck in life. But he has completely door slammed me -- ignoring me when he sees me, avoiding eye contact, and ignoring every text message I have sent even when it came to the baby's health and genetic/medical information. I am about to give birth next month and still not a word or any recognition of responsibility from him. He does not seem to be suffering at all...still sleeping around and hanging out at 33 years old...while I am completely stressed physically, emotionally, and financially. I might even lose my apartment because I can't make ends meet, and have told him of the circumstances -- still not a word.

So while I think the door slam might be a healthy option for the INFJ when it comes to protecting their dream/vision, it can be quite unhealthy for certain situations and have absolutely devastating consequences to those of us who are still stuck in reality!!

 

[LazerRedDive]

Just adding in addition to my last post -- I cannot even bear to think of the consequences that this door slam is going to have on our son. To me, that's just not fair.

 

[Il Morto Che Parla]

It's wierd that this post was made with a thumbs up sign, lol.

I got "doorslammed" by an ex gf, who is IxFJ (yes, I typed her as that long before the doorslammin).

I related this to the way some INFJ I know well (my brother and one cousing, both tested and confirmed, and both very similar), and asked some INFJ online about it, learning about this "doorslam" meme which I was previously unaware of.

Personally I think the best way to deal is to accept it, it's their choice. I haven't been in touch with her at all for nearly 1.5 years now, I figure it's her loss. I thought about writing her for Christmas/New Year, but despite that it would be niceto make each other smile once more, I don't think it would be worht the stress.

However I wonder what other IFJ's think, is there sufficient cooling off period after which such a message would be applicable? Or is just a case of, if we meant so little to each other that we could go over a year without talking (over 2 by next Christmas), then why bother at all?

 

[cafe]

I've only had the two romantic relationships and don't have much experience dealing with exes. Honestly, though, it seems to me the main point of ending a relationship is so that you don't have to deal with the other person anymore. Why would you go through the pain of breaking up only to still have to keep dealing with the person? It seems masochistic to me.

As far as getting someone pregnant and then deciding they essentially don't exist anymore . . . INFJs don't have the market cornered on that particular trick. Not by a long shot. However, I don't think it's rational to expect that someone who has always lived more or less as an adolescent is suddenly going to act like a responsible adult just because their sperm landed, you know? It'd be nice, but I haven't seen it happen very often, if at all. At best, you can make them cough up financial support after they put you through proving paternity.

 

[Jaguar]

Get on the pill if you don't want to get pregnant.
Conversely, I don't want to hear any guy whine about being trapped into fatherhood - put on a condom.

This isn't a type issue, it's merely blaming someone else for your own dereliction.
Take responsibility for your actions. It takes two to tango.

 

[Society]

So while I think the door slam might be a healthy option for the INFJ when it comes to protecting their dream/vision, it can be quite unhealthy for certain situations and have absolutely devastating consequences to those of us who are still stuck in reality!!

i'm sorry for what your going through, but i don't think you can compel him to be a decent father in this situation, no more then @BalanceFind can compel his ex to act with reason (took hold of all of their possessions) or i can compel my ex to be a decent mother/ex-wife (preventing contact between me and our son), nor any of the others.

not all INFJs do this, but the ones who do seem to follow the same patterns intrinsic to the nature of the doorslam: your point of view no longer exists, he will go on living as if this whole thing says nothing about himself or who he is (which is whats important - the consequences to you and your child don't matter, he is doorslamming in order to make sure those don't feel real to him), and none of what he did was his choice anyway, since he had his reasons and they make perfect sense for him in his head, "i wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have done this" sort of reasoning, like a soda vending machine who blames everyone else for pressing the poison-in-a-can button.

i'll admit to being jaded here, but again and again i've seen the other side waste time investing themselves in the idea that this is some temporary insanity, that he's going to catch up with reality any moment now, letting yourself compelled by some notion that underneath it all he has to be a decent person who could never do this, or that he even has the willingness to understand what he is doing, that he can't really be doing this and its somehow not real... and the other endless variations of emotional postmortem. as hard as it might be, accept that he is intending to do exactly what he is doing.

my suggestion is: don't repeat our mistake of wasting such time and energy - none of the normalized expectations apply here. if you chose to not do this alone, abortion/adoption might be your best bet, even if sad and hard as fuck (i admit right off the bat i wouldn't be able to do it). if you are ok with doing this alone, or have a good network of family & friends which you trust to help you out, there's no use waiting for him to change his mind, whether he grows up to the point of showing up at some point is something you can't control, but in the mean time, take the legal route to obtain whatever kind of support you can - take care of the parts of your life that you can control.

i am sorry for you and your child, it's not easy, but it's doable, and i wish you the best of luck. depending on where you live, their might be organizations that can help you - with both legal and financial matters.

 

[Lexicon]

Okay so I know this thread has been put to sleep for a few months now, but I also wanted to put in my two cents

I haven't read through this entire thread yet, and apologize in advance for any redundancies, but I have been door slammed by an INFJ who got me pregnant!! He blew me off by telling me he had cancer (which may or may not have been a lie) calling me a btch and a whore, saying I was nothing to him and wishing me good luck in life. But he has completely door slammed me -- ignoring me when he sees me, avoiding eye contact, and ignoring every text message I have sent even when it came to the baby's health and genetic/medical information. I am about to give birth next month and still not a word or any recognition of responsibility from him. He does not seem to be suffering at all...still sleeping around and hanging out at 33 years old...while I am completely stressed physically, emotionally, and financially. I might even lose my apartment because I can't make ends meet, and have told him of the circumstances -- still not a word.

So while I think the door slam might be a healthy option for the INFJ when it comes to protecting their dream/vision, it can be quite unhealthy for certain situations and have absolutely devastating consequences to those of us who are still stuck in reality!!

Dude.. your circumstances are sad and all, but- forgive me if my bluntness seems abrasive- no one "got" you pregnant. You chose to fuck a guy, and either your contraception failed, or you didn't use any. It's not like he just ran up behind you, yelled SURPRISE!, injected you with semen, & ran away. Have some personal accountability for who and what you choose to put in your pants.


His behavior doesn't sound necessarily like an INFJ cliche doorslam thing.. it goes above and beyond simple cutting off, when all that garbage is involved. Ultimately, it just kinda sounds like an unstable, irresponsible asshole, regardless of type. There's no simpler way to put it, and absolutely no excuse for his actions. Whether the cancer thing is true or not, how he chooses to allow that to affect his behavior toward others is on him, 100%. It sucks not to have that kind of support from someone you cared about, and are now going to be geneticallly linked to, forever. I'm sorry you have to deal with that in tandem with all the craziness that comes with just being pregnant. I won't pretend to know how overwhelming that must feel for you, moment to moment. I hope you have friends and family around for you.

And speaking of that genetic link.. your financial woes may end once the child is born. If you truly are that financially destitute.. Get on public assistance/Medicaid, if you live in the US. ASAP. Being on such public assistance programs is your gateway to getting many court fees waived in things like paternity testing & filing for things like child support. If he won't take responsibility, then make him. Even if he bails on it for years, it'll catch up to him eventually. And public assistance is there to help you help yourself. And your child. So get on your feet, and deal with the situation. Try to make a stable life for yourself and your kid. Use the help that is available to you, the best you can. I don't imagine you'd ideally want to go through all of that legal shit- who does- but especially when the welfare of another life is involved, you might as well push on, and be prepared for the worst [if he just never comes around/owns up to his part], so that once the child is born, you can focus mostly on caring for it, vs just struggling to pay your rent/live day to day, & frantically rifling through documents & just starting the legal processing crap from there.

Not telling you what to do- just making you aware of options available to you to potentially lighten some of your burden.

I wish you luck.

 

[LazerRedDive]

i'm sorry for what your going through, but i don't think you can compel him to be a decent father in this situation, no more then @BalanceFind can compel his ex to act with reason (took hold of all of their possessions) or i can compel my ex to be a decent mother/ex-wife (preventing contact between me and our son), nor any of the others.

not all INFJs do this, but the ones who do seem to follow the same patterns intrinsic to the nature of the doorslam: your point of view no longer exists, he will go on living as if this whole thing says nothing about himself or who he is (which is whats important - the consequences to you and your child don't matter, he is doorslamming in order to make sure those don't feel real to him), and none of what he did was his choice anyway, since he had his reasons and they make perfect sense for him in his head, "i wouldn't have done that if she wouldn't have done this" sort of reasoning, like a soda vending machine who blames everyone else for pressing the poison-in-a-can button.

i'll admit to being jaded here, but again and again i've seen the other side waste time investing themselves in the idea that this is some temporary insanity, that he's going to catch up with reality any moment now, letting yourself compelled by some notion that underneath it all he has to be a decent person who could never do this, or that he even has the willingness to understand what he is doing, that he can't really be doing this and its somehow not real... and the other endless variations of emotional postmortem. as hard as it might be, accept that he is intending to do exactly what he is doing.

my suggestion is: don't repeat our mistake of wasting such time and energy - none of the normalized expectations apply here. if you chose to not do this alone, abortion/adoption might be your best bet, even if sad and hard as fuck (i admit right off the bat i wouldn't be able to do it). if you are ok with doing this alone, or have a good network of family & friends which you trust to help you out, there's no use waiting for him to change his mind, whether he grows up to the point of showing up at some point is something you can't control, but in the mean time, take the legal route to obtain whatever kind of support you can - take care of the parts of your life that you can control.

i am sorry for you and your child, it's not easy, but it's doable, and i wish you the best of luck. depending on where you live, their might be organizations that can help you - with both legal and financial matters.

Thank you Mane. I am having a lot of trouble understanding and accepting what is going on right now -- or even that this is the same person I was once so involved with. You gave a lot of good, sound advice that I can relate to, and while it wasn't what I wanted to hear, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I am definitely keeping the baby and taking advantage of all of the assistance that is currently available to me. I plan on eventually going back to school for social work, with the goal of helping women who find themselves in a similar situation. Best of luck to you with your situation. I'm sorry to hear that you and others are going through tough times as well. I guess all we can do is as you said -- take control of what we can -- and at the very least help each other cope with, accept, and understand that which we cannot control. Thank you again