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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #31
    Senior Member Array sonata's Avatar
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    Have you INFJs ever done this because you just don't know what to do about the person and your relationship anymore and they're messing with your head and you're sick of thinking about them?

    Or is it always provoked suddenly by some specific incident that infuriates you?

  2. #32
    Senior Member Array HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sonata View Post
    Have you INFJs ever done this because you just don't know what to do about the person and your relationship anymore and they're messing with your head and you're sick of thinking about them?

    Or is it always provoked suddenly by some specific incident that infuriates you?
    The first part applies to me. Sometimes there's nothing I can do about it so I decide that I have to let it go. But it has to get to a certain point before I do that, like the relationship has to be in tatters and I really can't take anymore.

    As for the second part, not always. If it was just one specific incident it would have to be something really bad. I take loyalty to the extreme so I often stay in relationships/friendships long after I should have left. It would have to be something pretty bad if it was just one thing that was gonna make me doorslam someone.
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  3. #33
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
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    ^^ Re. sonata's inquiry - Honestly I do and don't relate to the whole concept.

    I think one piece is that what others call 'doorslamming' (specifically when said INFJ is just needing some time to themselves and isn't permanently breaking off contact) is something I don't view as such. Whenever I need down time or just need to think about stuff, I'm respectful when I communicate that, I don't just completely write someone off (even temporarily) without talking things through, explaining where I'm at, etc etc. And...yeah, in this case it's usually just a matter of days and again, the other person knows it has nothing to do with them because I've explained it.

    Also, I can't say I easily get 'infuriated'. In fact I'm not sure I ever have been.

    As I said in my first post, I have no qualms about shutting someone *permanently* out of my life - again, after I've really reflected on all of it and concluded things just aren't going anywhere. I'm all about devoting my energies towards positive relationships, relationships where both people gain something out of it, relationships where I sense there's growth, there's something to build upon..in the absence of all of this, or if it's simply unhealthy on one or more levels, I simply don't want to invest in the person anymore, so I'll just end the relationship and move on. So yeah, I guess in that sense I just 'don't know what to do about the person anymore' - I'm not 100% into it, and I personally don't think it's fair to the other person if I'm only 50% into it..you know?

    I'm not terribly good at being simply a casual acquaintance - I'm either 100% in, or I'm not. Sometimes I think this is a bad thing, but what can I say, it's just not in my makeup. I dunno, I might not be wording this correctly. All I know is half-assed friendships/relationships rub me the wrong way, especially if I do some soul-searching within myself and I realize *I'm* the one who's just not that into it. If I realize that, I tend to need closure and I just want to end it completely rather than drag it out when it's somewhat pointless to do so (from my perspective, of course).
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  4. #34
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whatusername View Post
    I agree with some of the posts here that it's not so much as a doorslam as it is the "quiet closing of a door." I think it's universal with the INFJs here that a doorslam is an extremely thought-out process, with all possible explanations and reasons for AND against such doorslam researched and/or explored. What's making this process long (I think) is that we know the biggest consequence of a classic doorslam: we don't ever open that door again. And INFJs don't just decide exclude a human being for the heck of it. I think.

    There's also this other kind of door-closing where the INFJ decides to close because there seems to be nothing holding the relationship intact. Or all that's left is small talk, as a member here posted. (INFJs hate small talk, am I right?) But this doorslam isn't eternal, I think. The INFJ just won't open it without coaxing, or knocking (if we want to keep the door metaphor consistent. Hehe).

    About loyalty, I value it as well, but will seek out all possible explanation why a friend is being disloyal. Sometimes, if I find that the explanation has merit, I communicate with said friend, and the door remains open.
    But how often is there enough room/opportunity, considering the aspects, circunstances of the INFJ door-slam thought-process, for such explanations to take place?

  5. #35
    Member Array Goodewitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    But how often is there enough room/opportunity, considering the aspects, circunstances of the INFJ door-slam thought-process, for such explanations to take place?
    Well theres one way phobik, and one that most INFJ's will fall for at some time or another. If a person knows the INFJ well enough, they'll usually find
    'The Distress Call' is a good way back in to an INFJ.
    Not many INFJ's even after door slamming someone could really ignore a distress signal or cry for help from someone theyve door slammed. The distress call is usually about something unrelated, and the INFJ will put aside their doorslam long enough to help, its at this point that an oppotunity to to bring up an explanation might be well received, as their FE is in overdrive at this point. Might work... might not.
    Someone who was a bit sneaky, pulled this on me lately, a false alarm so to speak, to get the chance to try and get the freindship going again, I had to smile at the way it was done.. sneeeeaky.. but in this case, It didnt work, but sometimes, it will depending on how hopeless the INFJ feels the situation to be.
    G. x
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  6. #36
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    But how often is there enough room/opportunity, considering the aspects, circunstances of the INFJ door-slam thought-process, for such explanations to take place?
    I give people an awful lot of chances, usually because I want to be sure that I'm not being oversensitive and hasty. I also try to factor in possible reasons for the person's behaviour as well as my own emotional state of reception. I let things go longer still to be sure that this is actually a pattern with the same underlying problem each time.

    If something does happen over one incident, I would be unlikely to completely be done with them if there weren't a number of other previous more minor incidents that corroberated that this is unlikely to change.

    There is no way that someone close to me wouldn't be aware when they have deeply hurt or exasperated me past the measures that I am willing to put up with (usually after repeated attempts to fix the problem). They would see it by my facial expression, body language and expectation of some explanation (which isn't forthcoming). If anything, I am far too transaparent for my liking. I do finally reach a point past hurt or annoyance where I just am too tired to want to fix things anymore because I have lost hope that they can be (or that the other person is willing to do what it takes.)

    If it's just a very big transgression resulting in the INFJ distancing you, you have excellent chances of regaining their trust if you are sincerely sorry and also prove over time that there's been a change. Don't expect things to get back to normal right away though.

  7. #37
    Instigator, First Class Array LovelyAngel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.
    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    When I cut someone out of my life, it's permanent, the reason being that the relationship isn't mutually beneficial/positive any longer, so it isn't fair to the other person when I'm just not wanting to focus my energies on the relationship anymore (because I don't see it lasting or going anywhere in the long run, it's unhealthy, or other reasons). It's not like this is a common thing for me, though. If it happens, I've put a lot of thought into it, and reflect on everything, before doing something like this.
    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I may have ambiguous feelings about my part in the events that led to a doorslam, but I don't think I've ever regretted doing it (have only done it a few times). If I doorslam you, you probably deserve it and it was a damn long time in coming.
    Quote Originally Posted by Prime View Post
    Doorslamming... hmm. Well, at least you're aware of that INFJ habit. It's a shameful thing which most people don't know about.
    Quote Originally Posted by whatusername View Post
    I agree with some of the posts here that it's not so much as a doorslam as it is the "quiet closing of a door." I think it's universal with the INFJs here that a doorslam is an extremely thought-out process, with all possible explanations and reasons for AND against such doorslam researched and/or explored. What's making this process long (I think) is that we know the biggest consequence of a classic doorslam: we don't ever open that door again. And INFJs don't just decide exclude a human being for the heck of it. I think.
    Wow. Am I a neophyte. I had never heard of the INFJ doorslam before coming here. And there certainly are a lot of posts about this in the forum. My thoughts went like...

    WTF? Iíve never heard of such a thing.
    Iíve never done anything like that.
    Oh... wait...

    *cue music to lightbulb slowly brightening over my head*

    I realized that there are two instances (and probably one or two more) in my life. One I actually did recently. One I came so very, very close to doing (about 12 years ago) but was deflected (by an INFJ family member) at the last moment. In both situations I had tried to work over a long period through all possible alternatives but had come to the conclusion that I was dealing with permanently toxic, narcissistic individuals - and that the relationships were never going to be anything beyond a draining and painful waste of time.

    So in contrast to the situation indicated in the OP, I wouldnít think of doing this lightly or ďwhen things get a bit uncomfortableĒ. I would guess that perhaps less mature INFJs succumb to the temptation more often.

    Iím in agreement with most of the previous comments that a doorslam is done only after long and serious considerations of alternatives and circumstances, giving people every opportunity (probably too many opportunities) to correct course.

    (Iím just amazed at what Iím learning in my short time in this forum. Doorslam!?! Whodathunkit?)
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  8. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    But how often is there enough room/opportunity, considering the aspects, circunstances of the INFJ door-slam thought-process, for such explanations to take place?
    Can't speak for all INFJs, but I always find ways to get people to explain themselves. Because I let them. Although I extremely dislike direct conflict, if I feel that the other person is so willing to explain, then I am willing to face that person head on and listen. Even if what s/he did hurt. The explanation/reasoning out of the "injuring party" is an important part of the process for me. I have to know why that person did what s/he did.

    Fidelia, amen to your statement regarding being too transparent. I can't feign NOT feeling any strong emotion, be it positive or negative.
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  9. #39
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    Hmm...I have been a recipient of a doorlsam, by an non-INFJ. I honestly don't think that this is unique to the infj world. I could even see INTP's doorslamming people for dishonesty or insincerity.

    Some people here say that it is an immature way to deal with conflict.

    Others try to fine tune the definition of "door slamming" to make it into a trait which they seem proud of. "I only doorslam after careful consideration, and if the person deseved it." I think those people are talking about something else altogether,and that is NOT really a doorslam per se. Let's not conflate two separate things, please. Sometimes, toxic people just need to be cut off, and this is a healthy thing to do. Door slamming, is another beast altogether.

    -----------------------------------------------
    Let's get this straight: All real "doorslams" are an immature and avoidant way to deal with conflict.
    -------------------------------------------------------

    Having been the recipient of one, it is not cool. I don't see any way in which one can reasonably justify a real doorslam as the OP and some of the other posters here have described it.

    My experience was particularly painful because intense love was involved with the person who doorslammed me, and being an INXP myself, it had a significant impact on my well-being. When you're not even given a chance to clarify things, and the lines of communication are suddenly and permanently closed, frustration is added to the mix of all the other emotions.

    As I said before, this doorslamming phenomenon is not limited to INFJ's, although I won't dismiss the possibility that it is more prevalent in introverted, intuitive types.

    So please, it must be established loud and clear that a REAL doorslamming is just an immature way to deal with things, and can only result in one party ( or more likely, both) being deeply, deeply hurt and frustrated.
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    Professional Trickster Array Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    So far, my takeaway from this thread (and thanks for all the posts. It's really helped.) is that there are several scenarios in which an INFJ might doorslam someone.

    1. Temporary Doorslamming (aka hibernating). This comes from an INFJs need for space. Perhaps they feel a little invaded. This is understandable to a point, but this is often overused by INFJs who need to work on coming up with other behaviors to deal with these feelings. I think INFJs are blessed / burdened with cognitive processes that naturally conflict with each other (i.e., the desire to connect with others and the desire to reflect alone.) Temporary doorslamming seems to be a low hanging-fruit-kind-of-activity for INFJs who are feeling overwhelmed by their emotions. Maybe you ought to come up with a Plan B when you're feeling overwhelmed.
    2. Permanent doorslamming because the INFJ feels overwhelmed by the emotional intensity of the situation / friendship. Desire to bring down the intensity a few notches is understandable, but hardly reason to cut someone off. I don't think most INFJs who engage in #2 do this consciously. They feel like they have other reasons. But if the INFJ were to take a cold hard look at the facts, I think they might realize this is exactly what is going on.
      I think of my dog who sometimes gets so overwhelmed with his happiness to see me that he sometimes runs under the bed and chews on a bone when I come home. He's happy to see me. I haven't done anything wrong, but at the same time the dog can't handle the intensity of it. I have no doubt that many INFJs feel like this is an absolutely necessary step sometimes for self-protection. But even if you feel like you must do this, just like in #1, you do have other options you could choose to pursue.
      The INFJs desire to feel closure on such matters is not an excuse for behaving immorally. Cutting someone out of your life permanently just because you're a little overwhelmed by them, isn't fair to the other person unless you've given them several chances to tailor their approach. (And yeah, you perfectionist INFJs, it sometimes takes a few tries for your earnest and well-meaning friends to perfectly tailor their approach.) In other words, we're all a delicate mix of the cards we're dealt and the cards we choose to play. Play some different cards than the first hand you see.
    3. Cutting a friend out of one's life as a means of dodging a constructive confrontation that will be emotionally uncomfortable for the INFJ. I'll have to say that I find this pretty darn cowardly and immature. Only the most immature / out-of-balance INFJs I know engage in #3. (But I have seen it done.) As an ENFP, I know what it is to dread confrontation. But part of being an adult is doing what needs to be done even if it requires working through some unpleasant feelings. If I've screwed up, then the least my INFJ friends owe me is an explanation of my offense. I deserve a chance to set the record straight (if the INFJ has completely misinterpreted the situation); or correct my behavior (if I have indeed screwed up). Sometimes I'm just unaware of my transgression and need constructive feedback in order to make improvements. That's what constructive confrontations are all about. So in other words, suck it up, and confront your friend even though it might be unpleasant. (And this means BEFORE you've decided to cut them out. If you wait until after you've made this decision, then this is just venting on your part.)
    4. Distancing oneself from a person judged to be immoral or untrustworthy. This is certainly an excellent reason. But there is a catch here: INFJs can hold their loved ones to ridiculously high standards and then judge them harshly without remembering their friends are indeed fallible humans. Even good people screw up sometimes. And, screw up royally. Also, just because you think it's self-evident that they have violated whatever boundary you think has been violated, doesn't mean a) they have indeed truly violated that boundary and b) that the boundary you've set is reasonable to expect your friend to honor. I've seen pretty much every single INFJ I know (whether emotionally healthy or not) commit this sin. In other words, INFJ concludes the other person has behaved immorally. However, the INFJ needs to look outside themselvf and see if the facts really support that judgment. The INFJ needs to hold their judgment open long enough to process the entire situation through their intuition rather than taking such definitive action quickly.


    I hope this helps INFJs (and their ENFJ cousins) better understand how your doorslamming activities affect the other person and might not be the best way to handle the matter at hand.
    Last edited by Esoteric Wench; 01-11-2010 at 05:06 PM. Reason: Typos. I can't proofread my own writing worth a d*mn.

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