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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #361
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    I think you're an ETP personally ... one who's tried to follow the Fe "rules" but still after 5 months finds yourself shut-out. My take is that you were expecting the "gates to fall" well before this point with this person.

    My questions:

    1.) I see your purpose here as advice / a lecture to INFJ's - is that right?

    and

    2.) Is there anything else specific you are looking for? What do you want?
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
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    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  2. #362
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    I don't know about other INFJs... To me, it's not about wanting anyone to read my mind. If something/someone or any Life circumstance is pushing me so hard emotionally and/or mentally, I'd prefer to back off from everything that puts more pressure.

    And what PeaceBaby said.

  3. #363

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    For anyone who is familar with the Enneagram....these random passages below could have been taken from my life. They are from the orange book entitled "Personality Types," by Riso and Hudson.

    What they have in common is the narcissistic 3 component of my infj enneagram 4 with 3 wing.

    .enneagram 6 goes to 3 at average and lower levels...(She isn't a 6, just a low functioing 4w3 right now)

    Pg 252. Level 8..."They may give no indication that they are unhappy with a relationship until they unexpectedly disappear one morning without explanation. Their paranoia may cause them to present false identities for themselves, or to present themselves to new acquaintances as quite different from who they actually are."..it goes on to talk about punishing others and even says, " They vindictively hurt others, even though their victims may not have been the actual cause of their suffering." At level 9.

    Pg120 discusses exploitation, grandiosity of expectations, at level 7 of enneagram 3, right after the level 7 self-indulgent phase.

    Pg 121. "They will keep a relationship going as long as they are getting what they want, but will drop someone without a second thought."...."Exploiting people and dropping them once they have gotten what they want."

    Level 8 pg 121 fear of getting caught. Pg 122 "Pathological liars.". "Betray friends, playing people off of each other, destroying evidence". Pg 123 level 9 "no capacity to empathize with anyone, nothing restrains them from seriously harming others."

    "Secretly jealous of others,..obsessed with ruining others so they can triumph."

    All of the above is my life right now. These are low levels of the narcissistic side of my infj. Previously she never got this low...not with me anyway. And, she never took her past pains out on me until now.

    Pg 165 enneagram 4 goes to 2, level 7...Manipulating others. Pg 164 financial support increasingly needed for self-indulgences.

    Pg 169 unhealthy 4w3..."..hostile, malicious, secret envy of others.." ..."Exploitativeness, opportunism, and duplicity may also be present."

    The self indulgent behavior of hers is not new. However, it used to be better balanced. Then, increased stress, and increased fears that she would not be able to pull off her projects, she spiraled down into low levels of narcissistic 3. Mean, nasty, disappearing, lies, cover ups. She has never done this to me before.

    It's as if someone else has entered her body and mind. I don't know this current person. Basically she chose narcissistic fixes and keeping up a false not needed self image over balance.

    She knows what she's done. But instead of saying, okay I'm caught, she is forcing a terrible result by her actions. Instead of taking responsibility, she is increasing and or maintaining lies.

    The above behavior trumps feelings 100 percent of the time. Consequences to the above behavior come first. I have no problem helping someone get help. ...after resolution of my situation.

    She has completely de-valued and legit feeling she had through the above actions.

  4. #364
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    For anyone who is familar with the Enneagram....these random passages below could have been taken from my life. They are from the orange book entitled "Personality Types," by Riso and Hudson.

    What they have in common is the narcissistic 3 component of my infj enneagram 4 with 3 wing.

    .enneagram 6 goes to 3 at average and lower levels...(She isn't a 6, just a low functioing 4w3 right now)

    Pg 252. Level 8..."They may give no indication that they are unhappy with a relationship until they unexpectedly disappear one morning without explanation. Their paranoia may cause them to present false identities for themselves, or to present themselves to new acquaintances as quite different from who they actually are."..it goes on to talk about punishing others and even says, " They vindictively hurt others, even though their victims may not have been the actual cause of their suffering." At level 9.

    Pg120 discusses exploitation, grandiosity of expectations, at level 7 of enneagram 3, right after the level 7 self-indulgent phase.

    Pg 121. "They will keep a relationship going as long as they are getting what they want, but will drop someone without a second thought."...."Exploiting people and dropping them once they have gotten what they want."

    Level 8 pg 121 fear of getting caught. Pg 122 "Pathological liars.". "Betray friends, playing people off of each other, destroying evidence". Pg 123 level 9 "no capacity to empathize with anyone, nothing restrains them from seriously harming others."

    "Secretly jealous of others,..obsessed with ruining others so they can triumph."

    All of the above is my life right now. These are low levels of the narcissistic side of my infj. Previously she never got this low...not with me anyway. And, she never took her past pains out on me until now.

    Pg 165 enneagram 4 goes to 2, level 7...Manipulating others. Pg 164 financial support increasingly needed for self-indulgences.

    Pg 169 unhealthy 4w3..."..hostile, malicious, secret envy of others.." ..."Exploitativeness, opportunism, and duplicity may also be present."

    The self indulgent behavior of hers is not new. However, it used to be better balanced. Then, increased stress, and increased fears that she would not be able to pull off her projects, she spiraled down into low levels of narcissistic 3. Mean, nasty, disappearing, lies, cover ups. She has never done this to me before.

    It's as if someone else has entered her body and mind. I don't know this current person. Basically she chose narcissistic fixes and keeping up a false not needed self image over balance.

    She knows what she's done. But instead of saying, okay I'm caught, she is forcing a terrible result by her actions. Instead of taking responsibility, she is increasing and or maintaining lies.

    The above behavior trumps feelings 100 percent of the time. Consequences to the above behavior come first. I have no problem helping someone get help. ...after resolution of my situation.

    She has completely de-valued and legit feeling she had through the above actions.
    Who is this response/message directed to? Is this in response to Peacebaby's two very straightforward questions? If so, it is a very indirect response which does not address the questions.
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  5. #365

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    He's just venting and wants an audience, which he guessed he was less likely to get if he declared his intentions from the beginning. Observe the serpentine style of engagement.
    "There is no god; there is only us. Savage and fragile."

  6. #366

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    I've been repeatedly told by some here, not all, but some that they have wanted more information and/or that there is more information not being shared. The above is factual information.

    And, the responses again are indirect.

    It isn't rocket science here. I was/am dealing with an unhealthy infj 4w3. (Temporarily or permanently unhealthy not sure, doesn't matter at this point). I had not previously experienced a door slam before, nothing like this. With some here, not all, but some, instead of a direct back and forth of the situation, ...it is somehow taken as an attack on all infj's, and the knee jerk response is to defend infj's and try to discredit anyone or anything else.

    I've stated repeatedly that this infj was previously much healthier for a long time. As can be the case in life, I wasn't here at that time. I came here to learn more about my situation, exchange with others back and forth, in order to better proceed for myself now and in the future. That requires for me an understanding of the past, present and future. But that part is only so I can proceed immediately short term and long term. It's also to review. My most immediate reactions 5 months ago and since to see how that will affect my current and future situation, good, bad and indifferent.

    I'm comfortable with my posts here. I'm comfortable with the information provided, and m intentions, for the people here, for myself, for my infj in question, and others that are involved in my situation.

    I've been very appreciative of those who have used their knowledge of the topic in general to provide feedback. I made the comment(s) above because I've repeatedly read posts by a few that questioned the truth of what I say, or the completeness of the picture painted. I am more than happy to help any of those people better understand. But unless you specifically state or ask something, psotive effective, mutually beneficial communication will be difficult. Thanks.

  7. #367
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    No, @BalanceFind, you're not getting it. All you are doing in this whole thread is talking about your conclusions about her.

    Without her side of the story it is IMPOSSIBLE to assess the accuracy of your claims.

    Therefore all we can hope to do here is:

    1.) Help you understand something you don't understand from the NF POV.

    2.) Provide you with a platform for venting and our sympathies for your pain.

    3.) Offer a few suggestions on the limited info you have shared.

    It is a fact that:

    1.) We don't know the whole story.

    2.) We only know the story from your extrapolations on her "health" vs "non-health".

    3.) We haven't heard a SINGLE thing that talks about you. (Oh you got a little close up there, when you were getting a tad heated. That was at least a little real.)

    How else can I say this? If you already have your conclusions WHY ARE YOU IN THIS THREAD?

    You have already proven you cannot follow simple instruction - I point-blank asked you questions above which you again elected not to answer.

    If anything, you are providing an excellent example of how to drive a bunch of NF's nuts - just wax on and on and on about your problems, with no evidence of SELF-reflection whatsoever in your waxings, and expect to have everyone listen to your issues over and over again. And you mistakenly think all we want to hear are your conclusions and your reasonings behind them - we don't!

    Personally I want the facts, like this:

    I met her on the internet
    We corresponded for two years and I flew her to my country
    We hit it off and planned a life together in her country
    I sent her large sums of money over time to build a house and visited when I could
    Then, just as our house was to be completed, whammo, she cuts off communication
    I think she's had a terrible accident or worse, some terrible harm has befallen her
    I track down mutual friends (who are bilingual to both our languages) and discover she is fine
    But, she won't talk to me now!
    What can I do?
    ETC.

    If you can't lay it all out plain, the INFJ's in here will feel your INFJ has a BIG REASON to cut you out, because they know they wouldn't do it unless you were an agonizing prescence in her life. So, you're not going to change their minds about anything.

    OTHERWISE, she is just an unhealthy person and crazy people do what crazy people do. Maybe she planned to use you all along. Who can say?

    We are all interested and in here because we care, and just because we are wired to help you if we can. We have compassion for you. But the energy for that is not limitless. Unless you can get real and answer my questions, I shall have to bid you a fair "adieu" at this juncture.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  8. #368

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    @PeaceBaby You nailed it.
    "There is no god; there is only us. Savage and fragile."

  9. #369
    Intentionally Clementine Array Starry's Avatar
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    @BalanceFind

    I was just wondering if you have ever typed as ExTJ? Not that you need to answer this...as it would be off-topic for this thread...but I just thought maybe I would throw it out there. Maybe just take a little quick look into that to see if it would be helpful.

  10. #370
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    PB is right on!

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