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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #291
    Diving into Ni-space Array Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Mar 2011


    One of the good thing about revisiting the various doorslamming threads is that I've learned the most about how much pain this can cause others and to self.

    Recently, I've reconnected with a few who I had once doorslammed in the past. And I suppose time really heals and also I've learned the importance of reconnecting people in general.

  2. #292


    The out of the blue finality is devastating. The not knowing what the person is thinking or doing is difficult. The problem I have is time. I don't have the time to wait and wait. There are important responsibilities. I wish I knew how to reach a door slamming deteriorating infj. I wish I knew how to proceed.

  3. #293
    Lay the coin on my tongue Array SilkRoad's Avatar
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    May 2009
    6w5 sp/sx


    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    The out of the blue finality is devastating. The not knowing what the person is thinking or doing is difficult. The problem I have is time. I don't have the time to wait and wait. There are important responsibilities. I wish I knew how to reach a door slamming deteriorating infj. I wish I knew how to proceed.
    I'm very sorry you've gone through that. It sounds like a complicated and painful situation and a practical hassle as well.

    It doesn't sound as though your INFJ is very "healthy", but I guess that goes without saying. I wonder what may be going on in the background that you may not even know about, from your description...?

    I have doorslammed very few people, but I have done it. I regret it for a while and then when I am over pain/anger I don't regret it any more. Under certain circumstances it is the only way for me to forget someone and move on and stop hurting. I've tried being friends with exes, that sort of thing, and it just messes me up and prolongs the pain.

    Interestingly, the evidence suggests that people do miss me, that they might want me back in some form. The trouble is - if I get to that stage with someone, it is because they have been extremely careless with my feelings, showed a serious lack of respect, or something of that nature. And I tend to then conclude that not only do I no longer want them in my life, but they never really valued me, if they could treat me like that - so why should I try and respect their needs after that?

    Maybe it is just an "unhealthy" thing that I do (on very rare occasions). But I think I am a reasonably "healthy" person. It is a problem area. I do think that INFJs expect people to know what is going on with them a little too much. I am not one of these INFJs who claims to be able to read everyone's minds, but I have concluded that I'm better at telling what's going on with other people than the average person is. So I probably tend to assume that they know more about what's going on with me than they do. But then again, sometimes people seem unforgivably self-absorbed and oblivious. When you TELL SOMEONE how sensitive you are, and offer evidence, and they then act like an asshole and expect you to be ok with it - what can you conclude from that?

    The upshot is that if I get to that stage with someone I am very unlikely to ever let them back in. I am too likely to regret it if I do.

    I wish I had something practical to suggest. I wonder if you may need to go the legal route. Are you viewing the relationship as over? You mention narcissism or something similar...she might have complex psychological issues which are not at all under your control.
    Enneagram 6w5 sp/sx


  4. #294


    Thanks so much for the replies. Please keep them coming. I love her and I want to work things out with some way. What matters first to me is communication. There is so much miscommunication and misinformation. Imo if we sat down in person we could help a lot of things. But she vanished so I can only wait for her to initiate that. And, since she's a an infj...that may not happen.

    I hurt her by going to a relative of hers that I barely knew, called him in the states in a panic because I hadn't heard from her. I promise you, the way I left her in her country, I never saw the door slam coming. Anyway, I was very worried about her cuz that never happened before. She was sooooo angry that I called her relative and invaded her privacy. My call also accidentally exposed her self inflated image a little bit...out of fear I mentioned lots of things...that we had just paid the condo stuff etc...and I certainly felt "played." So it was part fear, part me feeling shockingly betrayed.

    I don't want to go the legal route. But I need the money. I don't really have a trustworthy go between. I am not sure what she tells our friends there. At first I think it was that I was busy with work so I hadn't made it there yet for another visit or to move. I don't even know right now what is going on with the condo, or her life.
    This may sound bizzarre, but I was busy bettering myself during this time, and giving her space...and the periodic emails trying to get her out of her funk to re-connect. The financial situation is becoming more of an issue. And the bizzarre thing is recently, my brother's best friend died in his sleep...he was "young" as in 45...and this event somehow triggered my fears again about everything. And, my girlfriend has stopped communication for a longer period.

    I need to know she is okay. She flips out if she knows I've talked with her friends about her. Once I can establish that, then I want to see her in person which I don't even know is possible. I don't even know if she wants me to try or not.

    I really wish I didn't need the money. I would just let her keep it, and I'd keep trying to do what I was doing, but perhaps more aggressively visiting. I've waited too long imo. I worry about the lone funks and long periods of infj. I need to speed up the time without causing a problem.

    Clearly she's less healthy than I thought. And, I believe she has some many years ago issues with others...but not me...she's had a strong stretch with me.

    I wish I could see her and listen to all that is wrong...and try to calmly, politely cover different topics. She truly has made a hasty door slam with wrong information. And, the issues she has had in the relationship are very solveable things of communication. I reached out casually to a couple of local friends there who don't speak English to see if they have talked with her lately. No response yet and that is odd because these same two people always get back to me right away. It hasn't been much time, so I'm waiting. Then my last resort is someone that I know speaks with her a lot, goes back and forth between countries, and they are somewhat close. I however am uncertain if this other woman likes me or trusts me would literally be a roll of the dice. And, I'm fearful my contacting others about my girlfriend will spark more miscommunication and negative actions from her.

    I think there were minor issues in the relationship that built up along with her stresfull situation....but she was projecting past problems with others on to me...things long before she met me. She is a very good person, beautiful, smart, caring, successful etc...mso don't get the wrong bad image. However she has been exhibiting the low level characteristics of an infj enneagram 4 and enneagram 3, her wing. I appreciate the continued feedback. Thanks.

  5. #295


    Does anyone have a suggestion as to how to proceed? I would like to fly there and go find her and talk with her but I'm very concerned about surprising someone, especially if they are in unhealthy state. It could be great or awful. I'm concerned about approaching too many people we know to get info. That may somehow set her off....invasion of privacy. I can't go on the way it is...and I prefer to sit with her and go over things. I really don't want to go the legal route. How can I approach someone who door slammed me...and time is ticking by for months...What I she likely thinking or feeling? I really don't want to make any mistakes. But I am unable to wait it out. Would showing up be bad? Would calling people she knows just to at least make sure she's okay be bad? Thanks so much. As you can tell, it's been devastating for me.

  6. #296
    Diving into Ni-space Array Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    Mar 2011


    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post
    I have doorslammed very few people, but I have done it. I regret it for a while and then when I am over pain/anger I don't regret it any more. Under certain circumstances it is the only way for me to forget someone and move on and stop hurting. I've tried being friends with exes, that sort of thing, and it just messes me up and prolongs the pain.
    I can totally relate to this, Silk!

    I realized one thing about myself that, (and suspect this is a common trait among INFJs) once I felt extremely hurt I don't necessary shows my disturbed emotions in public. Everything is internalized and that it takes a HUGE efforts for me to get over it. Suffering in pain during an emotional fallout is the most stressful phase for me to endure. It seems the only way to recover it is by having absolutely zero contact with that person, and the easiest way is to ignore him/her through doorslamming.

    I'm also amazed that once I doorslammed someone, it really helps me to block any association with the person. Eventually that person will become non-exsisting and that helps me to move on with life at ease. Sure enough I may think of him or her once in a blue moon, but as time goes by, I find myself rarely revisit back on my memory lane anymore. One thing I should mention though, that is when I applied door-slamming on someone, it's usually a painful decision and also it takes a lengthy amount of time as I did put all things under considerations. It's not just a mere tool of random impulsion.

    Though after learning about my type and how much it can affect the other (especially from @Starry), I started to re-examine my past actions. Upon the discovery of my type as an INFJ, some part of me felt glad that I'm not an odd ball as the descriptions fit me and that there are other people who share similar personality as me. But then comes to the dilemma whether to embrace my type and accept all the strengths and flawed qualities, or should I use the newfound knowledge to alter my weakness.

    With the recent conflict that I had with an ENTJ, she actually did text me back, without any apology but just to ask how I'm doing. I didn't reply for a week as I honestly didn't want to re-connect with her because I didn't feel ready. Though after reading a few posters comment, I started to realize that perhaps I'm being selfish as I could have worded it more nicely (my Fe came on full-force back then). I think during generally INFJs are good at avoiding conflicts but not when they unleash their anger and frustrations.

    Or perhaps this isn't type-related but I felt I tend to be not fond of offering second chances when I felt extremely offended. The problem is I am also not good at dropping "obvious" hints in a more direct manner before I couldn't handle it anymore. This may cause the other party to feel surprised when they didn't know that they had crossed our lines.

    Recently I had a long phone conversation with my mother, who is an ISFP, kept on reminding me that sometimes I should appreciate if someone is trying to offer me a word of advice even if it's negatively proceeded. She sees it as a token of love and asked me not to build too much expectation on others for offering sound advice just because I set a high bar on it. That really hits me and made me to re-evaluate my course of past actions of doorslamming.

    Quote Originally Posted by BalanceFind View Post
    I don't have a way of getting in touch with her except email, which she doesn't return. She has desperately tried to cover her tracks to the local people there. Image. ...when she doesn't have to...Now, we have an equal relationship...I realize it is coming across differently. I easily could have done some things differently and better. I have my regrets and my share of any blame etc...I have put off going there long enough. I am definitely going to do that soon. I would greatly appreciate feedback. It's a complex situation. Sorry this is so long.
    I don't know why but I felt like having a deja-vu reading this. I remembered reading something similar on TypeC. Is this the first time you've posted this?

    About advice... since you're desperate with money and that a 4-5 months wait is really not a good indication of repatching things up. I would suggest that you should focus on one thing and giving up the other.

    Though honestly, I don't think this relationship is healthy enough to begin with. Perhaps this is a good opportunity for you to move on by putting an end to all this, even if you have to resort it with legal authority.

  7. #297


    I did post one other time within the past few months. It was far less detailed than this. I don't remember where I posted it. I didn't get much response. Being an Entp/Enfp pouring out my emotions and whole story is very difficult. We have the fear of vulnerability, etc...

    As I stated an unfortunate death of a family friend, triggered some delayed emotions inside of me. That is common for us. My emotions now are more like my original panic and shock but slightly better managed. At that time she/infj seemed like she had it set up for after I left the country, a trick if you will. I never saw it coming. Never once did I think she would abandon me. I know from study that infj's fear abandonment which made it more shocking. I had no knowledge of door slams.

    I found this thread while searching. I couldn't find others. None of my friends, or care about personality stuff, including my girlfriend.

    What about when an infj door slams for wrong reasons/misinformation? Is there a chance of communication? She did send me a few emails, big metaphor stories. One story was how a wealthy guy in nice car drives through poor neighborhood only to have some kid throw a rock at his car. The guy gets out furious, but finds out the kid was just trying to get his attention that his little brother fell out of his wheel chair on the street corner and the little kid couldn't help him. The man then does a 180 and helps right away and he leaves the dent in his car and never fixes it to remind him to slow down in life and to remind him of that incident. It was quite the story and I was stunned to receive it from her.

    I took the story to be her panicking and suffering and I didn't know it and I wasn't able to read her mind. My problem with this is even if it's after the fact, just talk with me, we can fix any problem...but I can't read your mind. Sure I have depth, romanticism, a deep soul, all those things, but still no one will ever read an infj's mind.

    I know that if I could ever get her in person, calm, decent mood, that I could say what I want to say, and I could listen to anything she said too. Then we'd see if going separate ways is the way to go. Problem is a lot of these pains for her were very very fixable. Thanks for the continued replies. They help me.

    I want to approach our common friends and let them know the story, and what has happened. At this point, it couldn't hurt. I've got nothing to lose. I'm fearful of her misunderstanding why I'm doing it. I want to help her and I want to help myself. I would never abandon her in life as a person. I've known her 9 years.

  8. #298


    Since I started my story, I'll add to it in case it ever helps someone else. I broke down and contacted a few friends of ours in the other country, but they didn't get back to me which is unusual. I then started to get very worried that something was wrong with her or had happened to her. I needed to know. So I decided to call a bilingual couple we know who goes back and forth between the two countries. I wasn't sure if she'd be trustworthy or not.

    It turns out she was, or I hope so, trustworthy. We talked for hours about the situation. I realize I'm violating an infj privacy thing by sharing, but I had no choice. I have no regrets. My girlfriend is alive and well and has been busy finally getting to move into our new home there. It's a positive for her, because it's nice, after all the stress. It's still stressful but the place is finished and had been a dream of hers/ours etc...she hasn't been in contact with anyone really.

    So, I will be going there unannounced to see her. No idea how she'll respond. If it's not good or if she doesn't want to see me, then I'll have our mutual bilingual friend talk with her to set it up or communicate through her. I know intially my girlfriend will be upset that I told someone else, but I had no choice and as long as everyone is polite, calm, caring, hopefully positive communication and peace can be restored. I'm not sure if I was permanently door slammed or not. I really don't know. She may have wanted to wait until she had more of a handle on her problems, I don't know. Unfortunately, if she is still in a bad narcissistic self-absorbed way, it won't go well. And it will become a legal matter that I didn't want.

    I realize she has been functioning at average, to low average to unhealthy levels. I also realize that some of it has to do with us, but most doesn't. I'm pretty loyal. Most narcissists have a difficult time pulling the mask off to be vulnerable, to allow long term sincere relationships to exist without an image. But I know that it can happen once every blue moon. This has changed my trust and guard with her. But much to her suprise I'm sure, I'm not going to abandon her in life. I've known her too long, too close. I just won't do it.

    Thanks for the responses. I realize I've hogged the thread lately. But it helped me. And I help others too. I now have to go book a trip and see what happens. I'm hoping for the best. I'll come back and mention what happens. And I'll check if anyone else has any other responses in between that time. Thank you very much. So far I've learned that I didn't need to wait so long, but that, it's never too late for anything.

  9. #299
    Rape Holess Array Starry's Avatar
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    May 2010
    7w6 sx/sp


    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    ...after learning about my type and how much it can affect the other (especially from @Starry)...

  10. #300


    Part of the reason I keep posting in this thread is to help others while also helping myself by seeking feedback.

    My infj girlfriend became more unhealthy than I thought. The biggest problem or challenge is the narcissism. If any of you are familiar with the enneagram, she is a 4w3. And, she has been functioning in lower levels of 3, the narcissistic type. If anyone has any feedback/advice/help from experience, it'd be welcomed. I'm afraid of low level narcissists because I know they are capable of going/sinking as low as possible to get what they want. So, I've been in a patient, agonizing holding pattern. However, to most other non infj types, 5 months of vanishing into thin air without a trace an without warning, is unacceptable behavior.

    It's okay to be unique, different, romantic, artistic, and all of those wonderful things as long as you live your life within reasonable boundaries and communication. When infj's stop checking in, their imaginations run wild with worst case scenarios sometimes. What she doesn't understand is that despite her actions, I won't abandon her in life. I don't she she realizes that because of a low level narcissistic phase. Right now she is trying to keep up her image to our friends and the world in another country. She knows that I have the ability to expose a lot of her actions. What she doesn't understand is that I'm interested in a win/win scenario for both of us, however that may be. She is forcing animosity and conflict when it isn't necessary.

    My crime was putting limits on her financially. Under great stress she can be low level infj or low level 4w3 and impulsively be lavishly self-indulgent. Much of the time this was not a problem. But the long distance, isolation, having to rough it until our new home was built, etc...piled up on her and the stress became too much. She hid most of this from me until it was too late. I'm observant and I recognized some of this. But I never thought it would come to this. My other crime was contacting 3rd parties when she vanished to see what they heck happened to her. Was she alive? Etc...I don't regret doing either thing.

    For me, she went from a healthy, once in a while average functioning infj/4w3 to lower levels. It's not the first time in her life she's done this. However it is with me. She became fearful of keeping a certain unreachable image at all times, instead of just being herself. She is loved and valued in her home country as someone who came to the states to make it and be successful and who has come back to revered by others and for others to look up to...but her problem is despite being able to be a salt of the earth infj, at other times, it's very important for her to keep that image that she is somehow better than others. Narcissism. She goes back and forth with this. It was all manageable within reason. ...but the stress got to be too much for her. She started to engage in way too much unrealistic financial self indulgence. She started to become jealous of others, even our friends.

    Please don't think I'm some perfect person, but this is the infj board and thread. I could have done some things better and differently too. But overall we both treated each other well much of the time. I really believe the temporary isolation started to take its toll on her. The long distance. The irrational fears then started.

    I can't seem to help her out of the self-indulgent hostile phase. She's gone from depressed isolation back to frantically covering mistakes and maintaining a false image. I've given her a lot of time, 5 months, patience, loving support from a distance. Nothing.

    If she would listen, we could work out peaceful solutions and help one another. Nope. Her narcissism is a brick wall right now. She's so afraid that others will see that underneath her inflated image, that she isn't so great. The problem is she is great and they'd all love her if she had nothing in life. I'm trying to save her from herself. But she seems destined for trying to destroy me with misplaced childhood anger. She had a tough, abusive mother who never loved her for herself. She has always portrayed herself as a victim in life. The problem with that of course is that you are what you belive you are...and you'll suffer through life if you want to portray yourself as a permanent victim. At some point you aren't.

    Sadly, it appears this situation is going to become a legal, financial situation when it didn't need to be. I've waited 5 months and 5 months may seem like 5 minutes to a self indulgent lower functioning infj, but it's not to everyone else. The sad thing is she happily could have lived in the new house, happily could have continued daily love and support from me, the one person who knows all of her mistakes, flaws, problems, along with her many, many positive qualities and accomplishments, and would always be there for her. Even the most understanding of people have limits.

    We'll see how it goes in person. The phone call lasted less than 25 seconds. The only thing she said was that I will eventually get my money. I never even mentioned money. She volunteered it. This shows she knows that in order to keep up her image, she knows she was willing to turn her back on me to do it. I called to tell her I loved her, that she is my best friend, that it's okay, that I'd help her get the help she needs, that I'd be happy to work with her together on an every day communicating basis so that we both can be mutually happy, whatever that may be. Instead, she just said that I'll get my money, click. Without checking in, she wrongly assumed I'd be hostile, etc...I hope any infj reading this understands what harm they do to themselves when door slamming others. It is very rarely a good idea.

    I still think I can find a way to reach her better in person. I'm hoping she will just be tired, and break down and communicate peacefully. It takes a lot of energy to be hostile. At some point when the other person isn't hostile back, perhaps she'll realize it's in her best interest to have me in her corner. If not, I will have to proceed legally and give her the animosity that she wrongly thinks she wants. Nobody wins. I'm a positive person, my Entp/Enfp. I've already figured out, worked on and improved areas of myself that would help the situation.

    I just need to find a way to help her out of a low average to low level of narcissism. I find it frightening to be around...way past the average infj walk on egg shells.

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