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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #21
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    i haven't cut out of my life many people who really cared for me. practically noone now that you brought it up. how many people REALLY care for me? i could count them using one finger. plus i'd never cut my wrists or any other part of my body. what happens in my relationships is that i can have an exchange with people, open myself up in order for others to do so (if this is manipulative i just realized, so maybe i am manipulative in this respect) and the other will tend to preach to me, give me all kinds of advice, patronize (that last thing i can't tolerate) and pretend they have nothing sinister or as weak in their little frames, and at the same time live their own lives as thinly veiled self-absorbed, saddened and narcissistic beings, requiring me to read between the lines of their emotional lives and discounting my own truth, that i already knew about, that i wanted to talk about or share in the first place, creating this parent/child role that makes me angry and dismissive. when the friend does this i give up. i get tired of being the one to put out the energy. frankly i only turn away from someone when i've reached closure on the relationship, then it's for good. when young and i was visibly upset it could only take a reasonably timed and moderate attempt to heal the divide and i would talk about the problem to solve whatever it was that was bothering me. its just that most people didn't/don't care or recognize the crap they deal out and in my old age i'm not gonna go there anymore...not worth it to me.

  2. #22
    Member Array Goodewitch's Avatar
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    I door slam when the freindship/relationship has reached static point,..when there is othing left but small talk, because i am relegated to 'sounding board' for the persons thoughts feelings and emotional toxic waste.
    When I feel I'm being drained in an unequal and unbalanced feindship, and I'm nothing but a mirror reflecting their ow narcississtic image,... I will door slam.
    When my self worth has been sacrificed on the altar of their self absorption, and they have mucked me around, or took the piss one too many times. Thats when I disappear.
    I tend to let them knw why, but sometimes I deem them unworthy of an explanation, depending on how much theyve made me despair.
    As Im getting older, its becoming worryingly easy to do this much quicker than I did when younger.
    I have little patience now for people who would exploit my love or freindship.
    I may still feel very fond of someone, and every door slam hurts me, makes me feel guilty, and is a wrench,..but I have never regretted doing it,.. it was always the right thing to do.
    If I feel I'm not going to get on with that person ever again, if theyve displeased me to such an extent, then I see no need to try and keep a 'faux' freindship going on, just for the sake of it.
    Even in door slamming, I am true to myself.
    G. x
    My INFJ license is regulary revoked,.. I am a sometime refugee in the INTJ holding centre.

  3. #23
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    I've just been doorslammed for the 3rd time by the same INFJ. It's tormenting and scary! But perhaps necessary in my case. I get so preoccupied with my own needs I don't even listen, so that's the only way she can get through to me.

    Here's what I've learned from my mistakes:

    -If you care about the INFJ, back off when you're angry, calm down before saying something you regret. That isn't INFJ specific, but attacking out of anger seems to be the catalyst for the doorslam.

    -Last time I tried typing up long apologies, explanations, diplomatic agreements. She said it just made it worse, she needed time for the anger to dissipate.

    ---

    That said, I wonder if getting a mutual friend involved would help or hurt? She might be more inclined to listen to someone she's not mad at, or she might just feel ambushed.

  4. #24
    Member Array Goodewitch's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hangers View Post
    That said, I wonder if getting a mutual friend involved would help or hurt? She might be more inclined to listen to someone she's not mad at, or she might just feel ambushed.
    I cant speak for all INFj's Hangers, just myself,... but I have to say, personally, if someone tried to bring in a mutual freind to try and mediate, I would go ballastic!
    I value my privacy, to involve someone else and let them know my business would anger me beyond belief, leading to a permanent door slam.
    I would also feel ambushed and manipulated, as if that person were trying to overpower me with someone elses interferance, so for me,... that would be a really bad idea.
    I would rather my business be kept private and bewteen the two parties involved.
    G. x
    My INFJ license is regulary revoked,.. I am a sometime refugee in the INTJ holding centre.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goodewitch View Post
    I value my privacy, to involve someone else and let them know my business would anger me beyond belief, leading to a permanent door slam.
    Yes, definitely, I agree with this. If you can't solve things between yourselves, you're not trying hard enough or you've chosen the wrong way. Letting things cool down for a while and then addressing the issues again while you've had some time to process them would be a better approach rather than using mediators.

  6. #26

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    I have only doorslammed two people in my life and both deserved it and it had been overdue for years. I wouldn't just doorslam someone lightly, if I feel like I have shown you too much of myself I might distance myself from you but for you to get doorslammed you have to have done something that really deserved the doorslam, it's a final measure.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Array Synapse's Avatar
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    This fascinates me, this process of the infj doorslam.

    I knew 4 or 5 infj once who knew me fairly okay during a trying time in my life where I was admittedly in a massive depressive funk and they door slammed me in 08 because they did not see anything to keep me as a friend. I think by this stage I kind of door slammed them first by closing myself from them but still stayed friends when I would feel comfortable and proud to be myself. Which is right about now but they door slammed me annoyed that I was off the radar and stopped sharing my struggles with them because I could see my patterns and until I broke them I'd be stuck in a loop. They may have seen it or lost faith that it was taking too long while they got on with life.

    How patient are infj's and what about loyalty, how does loyalty play a role in the infj perspective?

    Just curious.

  8. #28
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    For me, loyalty is extremely important and I think I tend to err on the side of too much patience. However, there are a couple of possibilities in the situation you described. One is feeling taken advantage of/taken for granted as a friend. They probably were confused about your once in awhile friend behaviour, especially if you didn't explain, especially after you had leaned on them. I wouldn't doorslam someone over this, but I may distance myself if I had tried to help someone and they seemed to prefer to remain in a bad, but changeable situation just because it would be frustrating to me to see them constantly going through needless pain.

  9. #29
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    I agree with some of the posts here that it's not so much as a doorslam as it is the "quiet closing of a door." I think it's universal with the INFJs here that a doorslam is an extremely thought-out process, with all possible explanations and reasons for AND against such doorslam researched and/or explored. What's making this process long (I think) is that we know the biggest consequence of a classic doorslam: we don't ever open that door again. And INFJs don't just decide exclude a human being for the heck of it. I think.

    There's also this other kind of door-closing where the INFJ decides to close because there seems to be nothing holding the relationship intact. Or all that's left is small talk, as a member here posted. (INFJs hate small talk, am I right?) But this doorslam isn't eternal, I think. The INFJ just won't open it without coaxing, or knocking (if we want to keep the door metaphor consistent. Hehe).

    About loyalty, I value it as well, but will seek out all possible explanation why a friend is being disloyal. Sometimes, if I find that the explanation has merit, I communicate with said friend, and the door remains open.
    Yes, I take it with no cream and no sugar.

    And yes, some of us drink it bitter.

  10. #30

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    I cant speak for all INFj's Hangers, just myself,... but I have to say, personally, if someone tried to bring in a mutual freind to try and mediate, I would go ballastic!
    Oh, yes. This would lead to two doorslams, most likely. I just can't have a relationship with someone who is less than honest about their intentions. What would infuriate me more is the fact that they take me for a fool, thinking I'm oblivious to the relaying of information without my consent. How can one stay friends with someone if you know they only speak with you to forward information or to manipulate you? I usually give these people the benefit of the doubt, but my suspicions usually prove to be correct.

    And about patience: I have lots of it, but once I have lost it, I become implacable.

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