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  1. #281
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    Saw the above in an earlier post. This site has been very helpful. I've been dooslammed by the woman(INFJ) I thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with. To make a very long story short i broke trust but not intentionally. Then she set unrealistic expectations of how I should fix the situation. To make things even worse, we had a child together (tho we weren't a couple when i found out) so I see her several times a month. While I'm still in love with her she has made it very clear she doesn't love me anymore.

    So my questions are this :
    A) Are INFJ's narsicistic? She misinterprets contact and content and definitely creates and inflates drama. We used to have very long (hours)conversations that would exhaust both of us.

    B:She has tried to open the door back recently just a little but then slams it shut. How can i help reopen the door?
    With the caveat that I obviously don't have any information to go on except what you've provided it sounds to me like the problem is that you're still in love with her, and she knows it, but she does not reciprocate your feeligns. The reason she has tried to reopen the door just a little is that she cares about you, you are the father of her child, and she very likely wants to have some sort of relationship with you. But it's not the kind of relationship that she believes that you want, and that puts her on edge. So at the slightest sign of any romantic pressure from you, she shuts the door again.

    Here's the thing about the doorslam - it's not something that we typically do on a whim, and it's not something we do because we don't care about people. We do it because we have the unhealthy tendency to care more about other people's feelings than our own, and when faced with the immediate pressure of someone else's pain our instinctive reaction is to do whatever is in our power to make that pain go away. The doorslam is our natural defense mechanism against that tendency. We are always tempted to give in to other people, so the solution is to avoid temptation.

    By way of illustration, after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, he kept putting pressure on me to work through it with him. We had been working on the exact same issues for at least 70% of our entire relationship, so I was pretty well convinced that there was nothing to be done. Still, I found myself repeatedly thinking "I can make him so happy by sticking with him. What does it matter if I'm miserable for the rest of my life, as long as he's happy." This isn't hyperbole, that was the exact thought that kept running through my mind. Fortunately I've been in therapy long enough to know how destructive that mindset is, so I finally told him to stop contacting me. Without the doorslam, he would have eventually worn me down and we would have ended up making a terrible mistake.

  2. #282
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by eclare View Post
    But it's not the kind of relationship that she believes that you want, and that puts her on edge. So at the slightest sign of any romantic pressure from you, she shuts the door again.

    Here's the thing about the doorslam - it's not something that we typically do on a whim, and it's not something we do because we don't care about people. We do it because we have the unhealthy tendency to care more about other people's feelings than our own, and when faced with the immediate pressure of someone else's pain our instinctive reaction is to do whatever is in our power to make that pain go away. The doorslam is our natural defense mechanism against that tendency. We are always tempted to give in to other people, so the solution is to avoid temptation.
    Thank you for posting this! The example is a good illustration. And I might add that I feel it physically and I literally felt myself explode with a close relationship I had bad boundaries in and had to door slam. The exploding feels terrible and I could tell in my heart/mind/psyche or whatever the word is when my shift to putting the other's needs would come before mine and just know it was bad. Now I am a lot wiser and feel like the point of putting someone as an idol is not healthy for the other person either and I can prevent or shift to make better boundaries before the point is reached. There is a level of closeness that makes the relationship just over because if you go back you would have to go back 100% to that intimacy and most people won't accept going back a lower level of intimacy or acquaintance.

    Again thanks for this thread. I so relate and hope to never have to doorslam again!
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  3. #283
    Junior Member homesick.alien's Avatar
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    I have doorslammed many times and some of these times I regret.

    Mostly its because I no longer feel happy, or safe, or comfortably in that relationship, and I need to get out before it hurts me even more. Maybe they betrayed me or do something repeatedly that offended me. But also, I can't bring myself to tell the person whats wrong so it comes off as though I'm breaking off the relationship for no apparent reason whatsoever.

    It's not really something I do out of anger, and sometimes I do want to remain cordial with the person, but maybe just not as close as before. However, in my life, i either have acquaintances or really close "kindred spirits". Nothing in between. Therefore the space between us gets bigger and bigger until we no longer talk anymore.

    I've lost so many close friends this way, and I don't like it. But i really can't help it.
    "I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me
    They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely
    I'd show them the stars and the meaning of life
    They'd shut me away..."

  4. #284

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    I wanted to post about something I have been thinking on, it integrates part of the discussion that went on here before things got personal and exploded. It relates also to part of these posts I wrote last year.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway"

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

    I know this may seem perfectly random. I am just speculating on myself right now. Just wondering how to find the real truth of myself and make it something less guarded, not more.

    It's still true, what is new is how recently I was struck with familiarity when I read an essay that used the specter of the unanswered letter metaphor(not the nuclear sub one, lol). Joan Didon: On Self Respect

    Quote Originally Posted by Joan Didion, “On Self Respect,” collected in Slouching Towards Bethlehem, 1968
    To have that sense of one’s intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything: the ability to discriminate, to love and to remain indifferent. To lack it is to be locked within oneself, paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference. If we do not respect ourselves, we are the one hand forced to despise those who have so few resources as to consort with us, so little perception as to remain blind to our fatal weaknesses. On the other, we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out – since our self-image is untenable – their false notion of us. We flatter ourselves by thinking this compulsion to please others an attractive trait: a gist for imaginative empathy, evidence of our willingness to give. Of course I will play Francesca to your Paolo, Helen Keller to anyone’s Annie Sullivan; no expectation is too misplaced, no role too ludicrous. At the mercy of those we cannot but hold in contempt, we play roles doomed to failure before they are begun, each defeat generating fresh despair at the urgency of divining and meting the next demand made upon us.

    It is the phenomenon sometimes called “alienation from self.” In its advanced stages, we no longer answer the telephone, because someone might want something; that we could say no without drowning in self-reproach is an idea alien to this game. Every encounter demands to much, tears the nerves, drains the will, and the specter of something as small as an unanswered letter arouses such disproportionate guilt that answering it becomes out of the question. To assign unanswered letters their proper weight, to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves – there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.
    I'm just talking about me, not intending to say all INFJs relate to this or anything, and certainly not saying anyone lacks self respect. But her last paragraph resonates with me. Not so much in doorslamming, but more in the hardcore withdrawing that I engage in when I am in a bad way. Respect is obviously fundamental to a persons behavior. And I know that this doesn't really provide an answer to the problem, but I do find it encouraging, rather than degrading or insulting like some of the judgments served up earlier in this thread. I'm certainly not a slavish people-pleaser, but I do feel that duality of wanting to be seen really and fearing it, too. People do want to know. Its a gift to us both. Running away and feeling disappointed when those I care for can't simply know what I know deprives us both. I struggle with this.

    I hope others will find something valuable in this essay, too
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  5. #285
    Diving into Ni-space Crescent Fresh's Avatar
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    I do realize that door-slamming isn't the healthiest way of dealing a troubled relationship. But then, for me, the sole reason for door-slamming has largely do with inability to tolerate the pain (which usually resulted from overwhelming heartache and disapponitments).

    I suppose it also has to do with our heavy emotional investment. Since INFJs are very giving-oriented, it may feel disasterous when they felt all of their time, energy, patience, and love have been wasted. Once we've concluded that there's no other ways to rebuild the same level of trust and harmony, we usually consider the door-slamming as a part of defensive mechanism to help us to move on faster with our lives.


    Though I don't recommend it, of course. This is something I really wish to avoid (and am currently struggling to do it) because it's really part of our "J" functions of wanting to settle everything down conclusively. It's also an extremely painful process during the entire phase of implementation of whether to doorslam a person or not.

  6. #286
    Senior Member the state i am in's Avatar
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    i think the self-respect thing is another way of saying "self-acceptance." this is what allows you to insulate yourself more naturally against what you consider to be wrong in the world around you. Fe is looking to make those things right, but checking that tendency and accepting more, focusing on what you can rightly control and letting go of what you can't, and most of all accepting yourself and YOUR STORY really rebalances those complex equations.

    i think the story thing is interesting. so that we don't identify or disidentify with static images/projections of ourselves and instead recognize our life history and the subjective experiences that led to choices that were tied to specific moments. once you realize and reconstruct what your world of possibilities was in those particular moments and let go of the perfect, desired image that is not tied to anything actually on the ground but instead just floats along as a projected possibility, well, it's easier to be a real person. it helps us get in touch with the world of interiors that are always ongoing.

  7. #287
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crescent Fresh View Post
    I do realize that door-slamming isn't the healthiest way of dealing a troubled relationship. But then, for me, the sole reason for door-slamming has largely do with inability to tolerate the pain (which usually resulted from overwhelming heartache and disapponitments).

    I suppose it also has to do with our heavy emotional investment. Since INFJs are very giving-oriented, it may feel disasterous when they felt all of their time, energy, patience, and love have been wasted. Once we've concluded that there's no other ways to rebuild the same level of trust and harmony, we usually consider the door-slamming as a part of defensive mechanism to help us to move on faster with our lives.


    Though I don't recommend it, of course. This is something I really wish to avoid (and am currently struggling to do it) because it's really part of our "J" functions of wanting to settle everything down conclusively. It's also an extremely painful process during the entire phase of implementation of whether to doorslam a person or not.
    This is pretty much exactly how I feel about the whole doorslamming thing and why/how I might do it...

    Usually it would be because the person really has behaved pretty badly toward me. But sometimes it's more of a massive letdown in terms of my own expectations, or the realisation that I have given a great deal and that the other person a) probably doesn't realise that and b) has never really seen or recognized who I really am - where I had allowed myself to believe that they had. I may still need to detach completely and utterly for self preservation, to move on, and as Crescent said, not being able to tolerate the pain if the person is actively in my life. My bad, I guess, but there you go...
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  8. #288

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    Hi,

    I apologize for re-hashing an old thread. But I'm in need of some assistance with an infj door slamming situation.

    I would like to tell my story if there are any people out there with experience and knowledge of the infj door slam. Thanks.

  9. #289
    Senior Member Neutralpov's Avatar
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    Do proceed
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  10. #290

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    My story is long, but I want all info out there that can help with feedback. Thank you. Background: My girlfriend is an infj, enneagram 4w3. I am an entp/enfp enneagram 8, both wings.

    Anyway...I've been door slammed. The bottom line is that I have to interact with my girlfriend for specific bill paying financial livelihood reasons regardless of anything else. In a different world, I'd try to be supportive and understanding from a distance I was door slammed because of misinformation and miscommunication. She now later knows this but still nothing. Part of the door slam is because she wants to hide her misdeeds, hide behind a false image...narcissism. And, she's wrongly afraid that I would expose her false image. She got in over her head with indulgences, extremes, finances.

    We've been dating exclusively for the past few years. We've known each other off and on for 9 years. We've had a very serious relationship. Part of our relationship has been long distance...Internationally. We've worked around this as I've been able to take long stretches of visits, month a time, often. I'm an entrepeneur. We talk every day for years. I was supposed to relocate permanently to where she is and live together. She was getting frustrated with waiting but it was fine. Our relationship was very strong on both sides in terms of love, commitment, etc..

    Different stressors, mostly downplayed and hidden, combined with misinformation has been the cause of the door slam.

    I literally left after a long visit to see her. She was stressed out before my arrival. These stresses were closing on our new home, self preservation stresses. We had to meet some deadlines for some large payments, the new home was going to be a few months late etc...those types of things...

    The big developing problem were her increasing indulgences. Lavish. Beyond normal for her. We have a good life. But, there are limits and boundaries. Stress was causing her to increase these things more so than in her past with me. She began the I have to walk on egg shells routine while I was on my last trip. It was worse than normal. I had worked hard to wire her a very large payment for our new home. She had irrational fears from past experiences that I wouldn't come through. Even after I did, she wanted more and more. She became jealous of some of our friends there. Looking back on it was easy to see her downward spiral. But, not at the time. She never mentioned it. And she hid it well.

    She really is a wonderful person and we've done a lot for each other. So, she gave zero indication of an upcoming door slam until I was gone and I never heard from her that week back. I panicked, I had zero idea if she was okay...remember she and I talked every day for several years. So, I had to think of whom to call that she and I both know that I trust. The country she's in now is her native country, and it's Spanish speaking. She is fluent in both, I'm decent with Spanish. But our friends where she is...mostly speak little English...and with the cultural differences...etc...I chose a relative of hers who's number I had in the states. I chose wrong because it was as if I was exposing her narcissistic actions inadvertantly. I exposed her privacy etc...just by calling this person and simply asking to check on her to see if she was okay and what was going on...I never once thought it was a door slam. I thought she was in trouble or something.

    So, I did contact someone else, one time, one person. That's it. She isn't just using me for money. She's paid for half of e everything in our relationship. She does spend too much once in a while, and she does have expensive tastes, but our situation was very manageable.

    The intervention caused her to call me one time. She was very upset, irrational, it didn't last long. It was a door slam verbally at that point too. But her info was soooo incorrect. Time went by and I would email her very loving positive supportive heartfelt emails....trying to get her to see her info was not correct. She sent me a couple of metaphoric forwards that made sense, that she was secretly falling apart and that I should have noticed it and made it better.

    So, I think she gets it, but still no return. I'm no longer willing to wait. It's now been 4-5 months. Problem is I need my money back. I am legally protected to get it back, but that would be a messy nasty situation. I don't want that. But, it's a very large sum of money. Remember she paid a lot for the place too. It was a scam for money though it feels that way now. It's more complex than that. I've known her 9 years, dating the past several years.

    My preference is to help her, clear up all misunderstandings that could have been taken care of months ago. I do love her and care for her. Obviously this incident changes my trust and those things. I'd never abandon her as a human being. But my concern reluctantly now is my well being, my finances, ....and my life there as I planned a lot of things there. I have literally decided to give her time, put that part of my life on hold. It's caused me great suffering in many ways. Friends, finances, geography all on hold.

    I don't have a way of getting in touch with her except email, which she doesn't return. She has desperately tried to cover her tracks to the local people there. Image. ...when she doesn't have to...Now, we have an equal relationship...I realize it is coming across differently. I easily could have done some things differently and better. I have my regrets and my share of any blame etc...I have put off going there long enough. I am definitely going to do that soon. I would greatly appreciate feedback. It's a complex situation. Sorry this is so long.

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