User Tag List

First 1624252627283676126 Last

Results 251 to 260 of 1696

  1. #251
    Senior Member Moiety's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    MBTI
    ISFJ
    Posts
    6,021

    Default

    I wonder what would be the ENFP issue analogous to doorslamming and overextending oneself.

  2. #252
    Awake Starry's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w6 sx/sp
    Posts
    5,271

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Sytpg View Post
    I wonder what would be the ENFP issue analogous to doorslamming and overextending oneself.
    I don't want to take away from the purpose of this thread but I do want to answer because I have been verbal here...AND...because while I'm not a big 'door slammer'...what I do in similar situations is no better.

    I really, really try to not to do this...but I just manipulate my way out of the relationship.

    I believe difference is that when you manipulate your way out...the other person doesn't 'get' that there are any hard feelings. The doorslam is so sudden (perceived as so). But the manipulating your way out takes a little while. But it doesn't feel like it because I have already 'checked-out' in my mind. I just put on the auto-pilot charm...and I don't ever feel anyone is the wiser. Terrible I know.

  3. #253
    Senior Member Quiet's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    5
    Posts
    321

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I've doorslammed four people in my forty years. One of them I let come back though not in the same capacity they once held. All of them committed major boundary violations -- sometimes over the course of many years. Eventually, there was an event that showed me, under no uncertain terms, that I could make excuses for their behavior no more, that the relationship was damaging to me and not helping them in any significant way.

    I am so prone to codependent behavior, that it is very difficult for me to stay in a relationship where I have been an enabler without continuing to engage in enabling behaviors. I'm working at not creating new co-dependent relationships, but it is so ingrained in my nature to ignore my own feelings for the benefit of others and to tolerate boundary violations to avoid conflict and rejection, that for me, it has been a healthy step to be able to say "No. You don't get to keep doing that to me." To stay in a co-dependent relationship while trying to become less co-dependent would be like an alcoholic trying to recover from alcoholism while while working as a bar tender. Yeah, it would be great if I was that self-actualized, but I'm just not.

    Seriously, if somebody gets doorslammed by me, I have bent over backwards and twisted myself up like a pretzel in hopes of being able to make things work. I know I sound like a stone-cold bitch, but I'm very loyal, accepting, and give people the benefit of the doubt well beyond the point where most people would. It's not any kind a virtue, it's just something I can't seem to help doing.

    The difference between me and what you might consider normal is that I don't speak up as soon as I should, that I don't speak up as loudly as I should, and that when I make a decision to end a relationship it appears extremely abrupt and I often stick with that decision more rigidly than another type might.

    Looking back at my own doorslamming experiences, I think what I've learned is how to recognize and avoid someone I should not enter into a relationship with. I'm also learning how to say no to doing things for or with people when I don't have the time, money, or energy to do them or maybe when I just don't want to or don't feel like it -- because those are valid reasons, too. As I learn to do that, I believe that doorslamming will become unnecessary behavior because my relationships will not get in that condition.

    It seems like people want to focus on, what to me, is the wrong end of the problem. They want to invalidate the decision to end a relationship, when often the relationship should never have begun or the relationship has been allowed to go on too long or too dysfunctionally. It's this tendency toward invalidating ourselves and considering our own feelings and desires less valid than those of others that create this situation, more often than not. So further invalidation is not the solution, IMO.

    Agreed.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  4. #254
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    cafe Seriously, if somebody gets doorslammed by me, I have bent over backwards and twisted myself up like a pretzel in hopes of being able to make things work. I know I sound like a stone-cold bitch, but I'm very loyal, accepting, and give people the benefit of the doubt well beyond the point where most people would. It's not any kind a virtue, it's just something I can't seem to help doing.
    So true -- I agree with Cafe. It's not something done haphazardly or lightly; it's very much a last resort.

    SilkRoad All this applies to me to a large extent, and probably to many/most INFJs. Are most of us basically co-dependent, do you think? (not asking this in a sarcastic way...really want to know.)
    I exhibit some of those tendencies... working on it now though.

    fidelia When I learned to do that less, I found that people felt more secure, acted less entitled and were more appreciative of my efforts. I was also better able to keep my word without overextending myself.
    Fidelia always gives excellent and incredibly level-headed advice. I suppose drawing healthy, strong boundaries in the beginning goes against the INFJ nature a bit, the payoff described here (in the quote) seems well worth it.
    Last edited by mochajava; 09-15-2010 at 09:24 PM. Reason: Did not write something I meant to

  5. #255
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    7,289

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by mochajava View Post
    So true -- I agree with Cafe. It's not something done haphazardly or lightly; it's very much a last resort.

    I exhibit some of those tendencies... working on it now though.

    Fidelia always gives excellent and incredibly level-headed advice. I suppose drawing healthy, strong boundaries in the beginning goes against the INFJ nature a bit, the payoff described here (in the quote) seems well worth it.
    How so?
    From my understanding, when interacting with an INFJ, there are four-gazzillion-and-a-half-layers-of-access plus the hellspawn hounds and lazer-death-rays, which can take five-and-three-quarter Aeons to ever cross, so how does it go agains the nature?
    Seems to me there's no need to add anything, since it's all already there.:rolleyes2:

  6. #256
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9w1
    Socionics
    INFj None
    Posts
    9,827

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    How so?
    From my understanding, when interacting with an INFJ, there are four-gazzillion-and-a-half-layers-of-access plus the hellspawn hounds and lazer-death-rays, which can take five-and-three-quarter Aeons to ever cross, so how does it go agains the nature?
    Seems to me there's no need to add anything, since it's all already there.:rolleyes2:
    Just because we have trouble letting others be our friends doesn't mean we don't consider ourselves their friends and try to be good friends to them and allow ourselves to be manipulated in the process. It's really wonky and dysfunctional, I know. Fear of rejection I think.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #257
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    4,130

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    Seems to me there's no need to add anything, since it's all already there.:rolleyes2:
    There is something to this. At least for me. How much more guarded must I be? And for what benefit? Am I going to turn myself into the hardhearted people that I don't like? There is something beautiful about just being open with another person, that doesn't come necessarily easily to me. But when I can do it, it is so much relief from all the hesitation and weighing of options and meanings and symbols and language, along with the difficulty externalizing all that. Enlightening almost.

    I listened to a discussion about Britain's nuclear armed submarines and how inside each there is a safe, and inside that safe is another safe, and inside that safe is an envelope, and inside that a handwritten letter from the PM giving the order to carry out or not carry out a retaliatory nuclear strike if Britain is annihilated. And someone asked what was the purpose of this. And someone speculated that it allows two conflicting truths to exist at the same time. 1) enemies assume it says we will react in kind no matter our own annihilation, they mustn't dare to think otherwise. 2) what is the use of killing so many innocents when our whole country with all its innocent people have already been exterminated, don't bother.

    So I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

    I know this may seem perfectly random. I am just speculating on myself right now. Just wondering how to find the real truth of myself and make it something less guarded, not more.
    the formless thing which gives things form!
    Found Forum Haiku Project


    Positive Spin | your feedback welcomed | Darker Criticism

  8. #258
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    7,289

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Just because we have trouble letting others be our friends doesn't mean we don't consider ourselves their friends and try to be good friends to them and allow ourselves to be manipulated in the process. It's really wonky and dysfunctional, I know. Fear of rejection I think.
    :confused: :smiley_violin:

  9. #259
    unscannable Tigerlily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    MBTI
    TIGR
    Enneagram
    3w4
    Socionics
    EII None
    Posts
    5,937

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    :confused: :smiley_violin:
    If you are indeed an ENTP, you shouldn't have any problems interacting with an INFJ. ;P From my experience, thinkers do best with INFJ's. I was mostly single until I met my husband when I was 28. I "dated" occasionally and had one serious bf but he and I were not meant to be. iow, I never let anyone get too close to me.
    Time is a delicate mistress.

  10. #260
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    7,289

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    There is something to this. At least for me. How much more guarded must I be? And for what benefit? Am I going to turn myself into the hardhearted people that I don't like? There is something beautiful about just being open with another person, that doesn't come necessarily easily to me. But when I can do it, it is so much relief from all the hesitation and weighing of options and meanings and symbols and language, along with the difficulty externalizing all that. Enlightening almost.

    I listened to a discussion about Britain's nuclear armed submarines and how inside each there is a safe, and inside that safe is another safe, and inside that safe is an envelope, and inside that a handwritten letter from the PM giving the order to carry out or not carry out a retaliatory nuclear strike if Britain is annihilated. And someone asked what was the purpose of this. And someone speculated that it allows two conflicting truths to exist at the same time. 1) enemies assume it says we will react in kind no matter our own annihilation, they mustn't dare to think otherwise. 2) what is the use of killing so many innocents when our whole country with all its innocent people have already been exterminated, don't bother.

    So I wonder for me what does the existence of the possibility of doorslamming mean. Does it allow two contradictory things to be true at the same time? 1) that I am so devoted and love so completely that you never quite match it or fulfill that in me in kind, and 2) that I care less than you and will go on without you.

    I know this may seem perfectly random. I am just speculating on myself right now. Just wondering how to find the real truth of myself and make it something less guarded, not more.
    I've recently doorslamed an INFJ. I actually tried to revert it mid-term only to face the truth I already knew, the other person was at a different development stage and priority context that everything I emmited was filtered to match only whichever mental concepts existed. So the only thing to do was fool myself while cattering to others wishlist or thinking that it would not be doomed to end badly sooner then later or put an end to it. It wasn't so abrut, because there was [too]often on my part many previous atempts to address this, but I was hitting a dead woman with a stick(is that how you write it?), and I finally droped a cold Ti "we should put an end to this" before cutting out contact. Due to the context, I still imagine that future contact may be possible, after some changes occur, weither development according to my view or probably after she finds another emmotional clutch to be able to face me (it has happened in the past).

    From my experience and other's feedback back, my assessment is that it [doorslam] exists much like every other option and decision we make does at each moment in life: it's what we are capable of and choose to. And we do so and live to learn more. Maybe someday we'll have a different, more enlightned answer.



    Quote Originally Posted by Tigerlily View Post
    If you are indeed an ENTP, you shouldn't have any problems interacting with an INFJ. ;P
    Who says I have problems?

Similar Threads

  1. When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life
    By SilkRoad in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 02-03-2014, 11:26 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ Daily Life: Plans, Strangers,etc?
    By plaminal in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-13-2011, 12:13 AM
  3. [MBTItm] INFJ negotiating mid-life
    By Immaculate Cloud in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-21-2009, 09:04 PM
  4. [INFJ] INFJ, inner life a little too rich?
    By littledarling in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 02-18-2009, 02:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO