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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #231
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I will say that I made the comment earlier that INFJs are more likely to doorslam than any other type.

    Upon reflection, I must call myself on my own bullsh*t.

    INTPs can tend to doorslam. So can ISTJs. There are several types who doorslam.

    However, INFJs tend to doorslam in a way that I completely get.
    Thus, it is a very powerful operator in my life. In other words, I know why the INFJ is doorslamming. I fully understand that they are doorslamming. And, I am willing to accommodate their J ways (insert coyly evil grin here) to accommodate their doorslamming... up to a point.

    So I think I was incorrect in stating that they are more prone to doorslamming that any other type. But I do think they are more prone to doorslamming than any other xNFx type.
    I would not even be so sure of that anymore.
    I think all of this is being sensationalized a little by a catchphrase.
    I examine my own life.. and I am aware of cutting all sorts of people out of my life and not giving them a choice in the matter. I called it Xing people, but how is it any different?. Realizing this as well as recently digging in my heels concerning my ex wife, say to me.. I am no different, maybe just not as intense as some about it.
    I think everybody does this on some level.. Maybe it just sucks a little more if the feelings were deeper??.
    Maybe it just hurts EW, but you can't say all INFJs would be like that. It hurts because you care about this person.
    Someone told me recently enough, to "look at what you are being loyal to.
    You are trying to save a ship from sinking and he bailed on you a long time ago".
    I would like to give that thought to you, because I think you are charming and intelligent and you deserve some relief in all of this.

  2. #232
    Intentionally Clementine Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    The thing is, you don't get to not accommodate a doorslam. It is almost like you think you have the right to get a crowbar and pry the damn door open if you don't approve of it being shut. I don't really think it works that way.
    That's weird...because I can think of several ways to 'accommodate' a doorslam. I can accommodate one by not dragging the doorslammer's name through the mud. Not publically & privately belittling the person. Not confronting the individual and calling them a coward or an ass or whatever horrid names I could come up with.

    Yah...I could probably accommodate a doorslam by just letting the door shut and leaving it be. What a nice way to accommodate one. Why would anyone...I mean really...care to pry the door back open?
    Last edited by Starry; 09-14-2010 at 10:20 PM. Reason: put 'was' instead of 'way'

  3. #233
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    That's weird...because I can think of several ways to 'accommodate' a doorslam. I can accommodate one by not dragging the doorslammer's name through the mud. Not publically & privately belittling the person. Not confronting the individual and calling them a coward or an ass or whatever horrid names I could come up with.

    Yah...I could probably accommodate a doorslam by just letting the door shut and leaving it be. What a nice way to accommodate one. Why would anyone...I mean really...care to pry the door back open?
    Maybe it's just a matter of semantics. I would call that acceptance or respect or common courtesy rather than accommodation. Accommodation implies that you are going out of your way to in order to satisfy someone's excessive needs or unreasonable wants, like condescending to do someone a favor.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #234
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    The thing is, you don't get to not accommodate a doorslam. It is almost like you think you have the right to get a crowbar and pry the damn door open if you don't approve of it being shut. I don't really think it works that way.
    Respectfully, I think what's difficult for the recipient of the door-slam to accept is that the door-slammer has taken over total control of the relationship at that point. There will be no further interactions, there will be no resolution, there will be no peace treaty, there will be no closure.

    Some people might even feel like the door-slammer thinks they're better than the person getting door-slammed, you know? As though the door-slammer is saying, "You are beneath me, not worth my time." Kind of devaluing them as a human being.

    Personally I am not saying that; I'm only providing a view to what it perhaps looks like being on the receiving end. My intent is not to pass any value judgements.
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  5. #235
    Intentionally Clementine Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Maybe it's just a matter of semantics. I would call that acceptance or respect or common courtesy rather than accommodation. Accommodation implies that you are going out of your way to in order to satisfy someone's excessive needs or unreasonable wants, like condescending to do someone a favor.
    I think you are right because I was thinking of accommodation as merely supporting. As in...not working against.

  6. #236
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    Has it been said yet in this thread?

    The approach: passive-aggressive.

  7. #237
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    Respectfully, I think what's difficult for the recipient of the door-slam to accept is that the door-slammer has taken over total control of the relationship at that point. There will be no further interactions, there will be no resolution, there will be no peace treaty, there will be no closure.

    Some people might even feel like the door-slammer thinks they're better than the person getting door-slammed, you know? As though the door-slammer is saying, "You are beneath me, not worth my time." Kind of devaluing them as a human being.

    Personally I am not saying that; I'm only providing a view to what it perhaps looks like being on the receiving end. My intent is not to pass any value judgements.
    I can see how it would feel that way and I'm not saying it's fair or that it doesn't stink, but it's just how things are. Relationships have absolutely got to be by mutual consent. Once one person withdraws consent it's just over whether the other person likes it or not. If someone is devaluing you as a human being, you can't make them value you by coercing them to interact with you. You can request and you can invite, but ultimately there isn't anything else that can be done that won't either drive the person further away or emotionally blackmail them into maintaining some mockery of a relationship solely for the other person's benefit. I don't think that's what anybody wants.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  8. #238
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    Quote Originally Posted by mysavior View Post
    Has it been said yet in this thread?

    The approach: passive-aggressive.
    So what is a non-passive-aggressive way to end a relationship you no longer want to participate in, or is that just not an option?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  9. #239
    Senior Member Array Moiety's Avatar
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    Yeah, I don't think this is a problems for people interacting (or not, not anymore) with the INFJ (since they proved their worth by doorslamming ya) but for the INFJ him/herself and maybe not learning from the experience as much as they could and understanding just how accurate their character assessment or good judgement is.

  10. #240
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    Yeah, I don't think this is a problems for people interacting (or not, not anymore) with the INFJ (since they proved their worth by doorslamming ya) but for the INFJ him/herself and maybe not learning from the experience as much as they could and understanding just how accurate their character assessment or good judgement is.

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