I think all of this is being sensationalized a little by a catchphrase.
I examine my own life.. and I am aware of cutting all sorts of people out of my life and not giving them a choice in the matter. I called it Xing people, but how is it any different?. Realizing this as well as recently digging in my heels concerning my ex wife, say to me.. I am no different, maybe just not as intense as some about it.
I think everybody does this on some level.. Maybe it just sucks a little more if the feelings were deeper??.
Maybe it just hurts EW, but you can't say all INFJs would be like that. It hurts because you care about this person.
Someone told me recently enough, to "look at what you are being loyal to.
You are trying to save a ship from sinking and he bailed on you a long time ago".
I would like to give that thought to you, because I think you are charming and intelligent and you deserve some relief in all of this.