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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #201
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    I don't know. I don't relate to doorslamming as a way of life. From what I've read here, many people have said they did it more when they were younger. There are very few people that I would. The very few (2?) times that I ever did it were in response to realizing that the person had been lying for a very long time. I am pretty forgiving when I can see where the person is coming from and can stand in their shoes. That kind of deception though (especially when it affects other people than myself) indicates something about character and that the person simply isn't the kind that I want to have for a close, close friend (I don't doorslam acquaintance friends. If they're not for me, I just sort of let the relationship to them become more and more periodic).

    I suppose if there was evidence (over a period of time) that the person had changed and if they acknowledged what happened, why they think it happened, how it affected those around them and why it will not happen in the future and they've regained my trust, I may rethink things.

  2. #202
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Ivy, I know it's been a long time since you posted this, but I just came across it. Very interesting. I don't think I would have understood what you meant here even two months ago. But now I think I do understand. You bring up an excellent point.

    There is a self-protection aspect going on here. I think that I achieved an entirely new level of understanding of doorslamming when I began to better understand my Fi and how it operates in my psyche.

    In the past, my hurt Fi has caused me to shut people out for finite periods. When Fi is hurt, it becomes deeply hurt. I'm highly motivated to protect it. I sort of feel like I'm compelled to shore up my defenses. And, if the offending party tries to approach me, all I want to do is either avoid them or hold them at arms length. More importantly, it is VERY uncomfortable for me to consciously reflect on my hurt Fi. It feels like to do so would be jumping over the precipice. In other words, if I start hashing through the muck of my Fi, then I'll drown in it. So I have a tendency (which I sometimes take too far) to avoid dealing with painful, overwhelming Fi stuff. <--- This is my biggest personal challenge right now. And, I'm working on ways to overcome it / work through it.

    This insight into my own struggles re: dealing with my own emotional overwhelm-ment, has helped me see how an INFJ could feel relief after doorslamming someone. Not so much because they are trying to hurt someone (though doing so might hurt someone), but because they are trying to save themselves and have decided that they cannot / will not get bogged down in their Fe connections with the doorslammee. I bet it'd be akin to pulling themselves out of the flotsam and jetsam of their NiFe loop. A survival technique. (Not all doorslamming would fall into this category, but a lot of doorslams would.)

    ^^^^^
    Any INFJs want to comment on this? Does this ring true?

    Also, something that has not been discussed on this thread in many moons is that if an INFJ has doorslammed you for the above reasons, then do any INFJs have any suggestions on how the doorslammee might approach the INFJ in the future. Or how they have worked through their doorslamming tendencies and have reached out to someone previously doorslammed?
    I guess I would like to know is if you think it is possible that a doorslam for reasons of self-preservation (even if the doorslamee is not intentionally destructive or a bad person) could be a legitimate permanent choice for an INFJ to make. Do they have the right to choose to never interact with someone again simply because they have decided it is not in their own best interest? Is it conceivably possible that the best approach would be to simply not approach at all?
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  3. #203

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    When I reach out to others, but they don't give back. It really depresses me, especially if it's someone who I thought cared about me. I can only try so much. Or when someone sucks the life out of me. My main reasons for shutting them out.

  4. #204
    Senior Member Array ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    I've door-slammed people before, (door-slam a lot of exes who I don't want in my life anyway) but I rarely do it anymore.

    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzcrossed View Post
    The problem with me is, I let unhealthy people get too close. As an ENFJ, I attract them, and some arrogant part of me used to assume I could help. Now, I watch for warning signs, and ignore those I want nothing to do with before that happens. It sounds cruel and immature, but actually, doing the contrary is like filling your life with people constantly feigning suicide, and realizing that many of them are just too immature to stand on their own two feet. I call them sympathy vampires. They're looking for an easy way out of their issues, and you are it.

    Sympathy vampires look like ordinary people at first, so when I accidentally let one in, I have to door slam them. There's no other way to get them off of you, as they don't want your help, nor advice on how to stand on their own.
    Not just unhealthy people, but it's possible the situation itself has become unhealthy for one or both parties. At some point you have to say "STOP!" and save yourself from the sinking ship.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    For me, loyalty is extremely important and I think I tend to err on the side of too much patience. However, there are a couple of possibilities in the situation you described. One is feeling taken advantage of/taken for granted as a friend. They probably were confused about your once in awhile friend behaviour, especially if you didn't explain, especially after you had leaned on them. I wouldn't doorslam someone over this, but I may distance myself if I had tried to help someone and they seemed to prefer to remain in a bad, but changeable situation just because it would be frustrating to me to see them constantly going through needless pain.
    Me too!

  5. #205
    reborn Array PeaceBaby's Avatar
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    It makes me curious why new data does not necessarily change the "door-slam" outcome.

    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Part of that may have to do with the fact that because we think a lot about the framework we put new ideas, thoughts, experience into to hold it all together, we are often very reluctant to restructure everything unless it is very obviously and clearly the better choice. It is a lengthy process and once we've considered all of that, it's hard to start over again.
    There's a part of the answer ...

    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    Something I’ve noticed about myself and a few other Js is that it can be really difficult for us to shift dynamics with someone according to new information. I think this might be particularly true of INFJs. Since our praxis of thought is far more in our heads than in the present moment (constantly taking into account past experiences of a person, as well as the individualized potential we’ve constructed about that person), it takes a while for information derived from the present moment to get incorporated into how we feel about him/her. We can be certain of it 'logically', but for some reason it doesn't quite seep into our feeling right away. And when the new information strongly contradicts what we thought we knew (especially if the person is/was close to us), it can take awhile to adequately process.
    And there's more here too ...

    But, I hope to understand better. Can anyone help me with the following?

    The door-slam seems a drastic final act, and I can hear the pain behind the words in this thread describing how utterly difficult it is to make that decision to block interactions with a person.

    But if an INFJ has made a decision based on incorrect data, why does the "door-slam" conclusion often still stand? Is it too hard or not "worth it" to revisit? Is one afraid of recriminations from the other person? Is it challenging to admit wrong? Is right or wrong irrelevant? Does it seem better not to dredge up the past and therefore all of those emotions too?
    "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have an obligation to be one."
    Eleanor Roosevelt


    "When people see some things as beautiful,
    other things become ugly.
    When people see some things as good,
    other things become bad."
    Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

  6. #206
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
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    It's probably partially a result of limited resources/energy conservation, TBH. We can only 'afford' to invest in a meaningful way in a handful of relationships. It makes it possible (necessary?) to be somewhat . . . mercenary perhaps? about this kind of thing.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  7. #207
    Strongly Ambivalent Array Ivy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    It's probably partially a result of limited resources/energy conservation, TBH. We can only 'afford' to invest in a meaningful way in a handful of relationships. It makes it possible (necessary?) to be somewhat . . . mercenary perhaps? about this kind of thing.
    Indeed. If I find myself getting drained instead of energized by a particular person then I have really no choice but to withdraw. My primary relationships will suffer if I don't.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  8. #208
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    Yeah, people don't make it in or out of my inner circle very easily. If I am not absolutely sure that the new information coming to light fits in consistently with what I know already or that it will continue to be true for awhile to come, it simply isn't work investing even more in a relationship that took a long time to conclude wasn't working. You only have so much to give and if people have proved over a long time or in a sudden drastic way that they are not trustworthy, there is no point to continue pouring something valuable to you down an unstopped sink. I have very few truly close people in my life, so I want to be sure that those relationships are woth investing in.

  9. #209
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    Although it's apparently an INFJ tendency, I personally would never do such a thing. I'm very much an advocate for open communication and hate it when someone else prefers to not talk things over or prefers to ignore me for the rest of both our natural lives. So, OP, not all INFJs believe in doing that kind of thing.

    I'd reply to the OP post itself, but since there are several pages in this thread that would be redundant...

  10. #210
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    I'm saying this as an observer, not an insider...

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Also, something that has not been discussed on this thread in many moons is that if an INFJ has doorslammed you for the above reasons, then do any INFJs have any suggestions on how the doorslammee might approach the INFJ in the future. Or how they have worked through their doorslamming tendencies and have reached out to someone previously doorslammed?
    If it was a situation where you were in the wrong and it hurt the doorslammer really bad, then it *may* be a good idea to sincerely apologize. And don't expect to become friends again, but the doorslammer *may* be open to listening to your apology.

    But the doorslammer could just be stubborn and not want to hear from you ever again. If that's the case, or if it wasn't a situation where you hurt the doorslammer badly and needed to apologize, then it's probably best just not to approach the doorslammer ever again, because there will only be bad consequences from it.

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