User Tag List

First 1018192021223070120 Last

Results 191 to 200 of 1696

  1. #191
    Member Emerald Rain's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    6w5 so/sp
    Socionics
    EII
    Posts
    49

    Default

    I wrote that after staying awake for more than 24 hours, so ignoring the post would be wise lol.

  2. #192
    Junior Member Horrible Aesthete's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9 sp/sx
    Posts
    25

    Default

    First off, I have to admit that it is an indescribable relief to learn that there are others like me who do this same thing. I tend to do the old doorslam on occasion, more so in my youth, and agree that it is incredibly immature. I am quite a bit older now, 36, and have a great deal more perspective. Thus, I do this with increasing infrequency. That said, I feel that I could still resort to this in times of great distress or feelings of constriction or emotional blackmail.

    I generally did/do the doorslam for two reasons; a) the person has offended my sense of propriety to such a degree that I have no further use for them, or, more commonly, b) I wish to end a relationship without going through the messiness of actually confronting the person. I never feel guilty about the first reason. I did this to my own grandmother, because she was cruel and insane and I had absolutely nothing to gain from knowing her, and I knew that she would not change. I do not feel that this is an immature decision. It is from reason b) that I derive most of my guilt.

    While nothing can excuse coldly cutting someone out of your life without informing them as to the reason, especially someone who cares for and loves you (and I would not try to excuse it), it does make a sort of sense where INFJs are concerned. For one thing, we want to please, and are incredibly averse to conflict. We are afraid that the person will blame us, and that her or his happiness depends on us. We wish to forgo any ugly scene that may transpire should we be called out. I have ceased doing the doorslam for relationships, and now attempt to at least inform the person. This rarely goes well, either, and seems to come out of the blue. but it is better than nothing. It would be difficult to convey to another type just how hard this is; the level of discomfort and anxiety involved. It is like pulling your skin off with your fingers. It feels like you want to die, right there, and that you probably would if it were possible and easily accessible. Far easier than dealing with it.

    The fact is that, for us at least, it does not come out of the blue. So much of this is carried out within our own minds, over and over. I think that we often assume that the other person must somehow know. How could they not? (we think to ourselves). I realize that this is wholly unfair, and I am not attempting to justify, mind you, just describing how it is. It is more difficult still if there is intense emotion involved. In my case, I often become involved with people who are clingy, overly emotional, and quick to blame. It is so difficult for us to communicate how we feel, and equally difficult to imagine hurting someone who cares for us, no matter the reason. It is why we delay things of this nature for so long.

    Once again, I am not attempting to rationalize this sort of thing, and think that it is quite immature and not something that we should simply excuse. Of course, if it is deserved, as in someone becoming cruel or harmful, then that is another story. Not everyone deserves an explanation, or a second chance.

  3. #193
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    eNxp
    Enneagram
    5/7
    Socionics
    eii
    Posts
    849

    Default

    What if you closed the door on someone you only knew on a limited basis and you honestly didn't think would care if you left and thought that person was avoiding you in the first place? Would you consider that wrong?

    Like say you liked this person, but she didn't seem interested. And eventually, because you felt you were too attached in an unhealthy way, you closed the door? Would I be in the wrong for walking away?
    Last edited by SecondBest; 08-13-2010 at 10:56 PM. Reason: clarity

  4. #194
    Junior Member Horrible Aesthete's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9 sp/sx
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    What if you closed the door on someone you only knew on a limited basis and you honestly didn't think would care if you left and thought that person was avoiding you in the first place? Would you consider that wrong?

    Like say you liked this person, but she didn't seem interested. And eventually, because you felt you were too attached in an unhealthy way, you closed the door? Would I be in the wrong for walking away?
    I do not think that is quite the same thing. If the other person is not interested in knowing you, for whatever reason, then you can hardly shut her or him out of your life. I do think, in the case you mention, if the person is indeed avoiding you, that shutting off contact with this person and gaining some emotional distance and perspective would be an enormously healthy thing to do. If you are right, and this person is indeed indifferent to you (or avoiding you, even), you cannot but benefit from a breather, perhaps forever. If on the other hand, you are mistaken, the other individual still has ample opportunity to seek you out.

  5. #195
    Banned
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    eNxp
    Enneagram
    5/7
    Socionics
    eii
    Posts
    849

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Horrible Aesthete View Post
    I do not think that is quite the same thing. If the other person is not interested in knowing you, for whatever reason, then you can hardly shut her or him out of your life. I do think, in the case you mention, if the person is indeed avoiding you, that shutting off contact with this person and gaining some emotional distance and perspective would be an enormously healthy thing to do. If you are right, and this person is indeed indifferent to you (or avoiding you, even), you cannot but benefit from a breather, perhaps forever. If on the other hand, you are mistaken, the other individual still has ample opportunity to seek you out.
    Thanks. Sorry for posting something a bit off-topic, but your previous post just triggered that thought for me. The trouble is though that if I am indeed mistaken about her distancing herself from me, there is no way she could seek me out.

  6. #196
    Junior Member Horrible Aesthete's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Enneagram
    9 sp/sx
    Posts
    25

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by SecondBest View Post
    Thanks. Sorry for posting something a bit off-topic, but your previous post just triggered that thought for me. The trouble is though that if I am indeed mistaken about her distancing herself from me, there is no way she could seek me out.
    I suppose the thing to do is to assess the situation as best you can. Do you have any sort of contact with her? If so, perhaps you could nonchalantly ask to friend her on Facebook, or something similar. If, on the other hand, you are fairly certain that she is not interested in maintaining even that degree of contact, then your decision should be easy.

  7. #197
    Strongly Ambivalent Ivy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    MBTI
    INFP
    Enneagram
    6
    Posts
    24,060

    Default

    Wow, I somehow missed this thread all these months. I don't know if I am INFJ but I have doorslammed a handful of times. Typically it is when I have come to the conclusion that the other person and I are simply incompatible. They're mac, I'm PC. We just don't work together, and it is exhausting my emotional reserves (which are not bottomless) to continue trying. Not necessarily that they are bad, evil people whom I hate.

    I think the thing Esoteric Wench was missing in her analysis is that the INFJ, once they have decided to doorslam, probably won't reconsider based on the hurt feelings of the other person. They are typically in the position of having to doorslam because they have already been spending too much energy considering the other person's feelings.
    The one who buggers a fire burns his penis
    -anonymous graffiti in the basilica at Pompeii

  8. #198
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    MBTI
    INFJ
    Posts
    478

    Default

    Horrible Aesthete:
    I have ceased doing the doorslam for relationships, and now attempt to at least inform the person. This rarely goes well, either, and seems to come out of the blue. but it is better than nothing. It would be difficult to convey to another type just how hard this is; the level of discomfort and anxiety involved. It is like pulling your skin off with your fingers. It feels like you want to die, right there, and that you probably would if it were possible and easily accessible. Far easier than dealing with it.


    The fact is that, for us at least, it does not come out of the blue. So much of this is carried out within our own minds, over and over. I think that we often assume that the other person must somehow know. How could they not? (we think to ourselves). I realize that this is wholly unfair, and I am not attempting to justify, mind you, just describing how it is. It is more difficult still if there is intense emotion involved.
    Well-said. Also, since the more mature solution rarely garners a positive response, it's hard to discipline yourself into doing it!

    Ivy:
    They're mac, I'm PC.
    I smiled at this analogy. It's so incredibly apt.

  9. #199
    Circus Maximus Sarcasticus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    MBTI
    ENTP
    Enneagram
    5w4
    Socionics
    meh
    Posts
    1,037

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    they're mac, I'm PC.
    I always thought you were Mac. Don't doorslam me okay?

  10. #200
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    MBTI
    ENFP
    Enneagram
    7w8
    Posts
    950

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Ivy View Post
    I think the thing Esoteric Wench was missing in her analysis is that the INFJ, once they have decided to doorslam, probably won't reconsider based on the hurt feelings of the other person. They are typically in the position of having to doorslam because they have already been spending too much energy considering the other person's feelings.
    Ivy, I know it's been a long time since you posted this, but I just came across it. Very interesting. I don't think I would have understood what you meant here even two months ago. But now I think I do understand. You bring up an excellent point.

    There is a self-protection aspect going on here. I think that I achieved an entirely new level of understanding of doorslamming when I began to better understand my Fi and how it operates in my psyche.

    In the past, my hurt Fi has caused me to shut people out for finite periods. When Fi is hurt, it becomes deeply hurt. I'm highly motivated to protect it. I sort of feel like I'm compelled to shore up my defenses. And, if the offending party tries to approach me, all I want to do is either avoid them or hold them at arms length. More importantly, it is VERY uncomfortable for me to consciously reflect on my hurt Fi. It feels like to do so would be jumping over the precipice. In other words, if I start hashing through the muck of my Fi, then I'll drown in it. So I have a tendency (which I sometimes take too far) to avoid dealing with painful, overwhelming Fi stuff. <--- This is my biggest personal challenge right now. And, I'm working on ways to overcome it / work through it.

    This insight into my own struggles re: dealing with my own emotional overwhelm-ment, has helped me see how an INFJ could feel relief after doorslamming someone. Not so much because they are trying to hurt someone (though doing so might hurt someone), but because they are trying to save themselves and have decided that they cannot / will not get bogged down in their Fe connections with the doorslammee. I bet it'd be akin to pulling themselves out of the flotsam and jetsam of their NiFe loop. A survival technique. (Not all doorslamming would fall into this category, but a lot of doorslams would.)

    ^^^^^
    Any INFJs want to comment on this? Does this ring true?

    Also, something that has not been discussed on this thread in many moons is that if an INFJ has doorslammed you for the above reasons, then do any INFJs have any suggestions on how the doorslammee might approach the INFJ in the future. Or how they have worked through their doorslamming tendencies and have reached out to someone previously doorslammed?
    ENFP with kick*ss Te | 7w8 so | ♀

Similar Threads

  1. When any type other than INFJ doorslams you/cuts you out of their life
    By SilkRoad in forum Myers-Briggs and Jungian Cognitive Functions
    Replies: 46
    Last Post: 02-03-2014, 11:26 PM
  2. [INFJ] INFJ Daily Life: Plans, Strangers,etc?
    By plaminal in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 11-13-2011, 12:13 AM
  3. [MBTItm] INFJ negotiating mid-life
    By Immaculate Cloud in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-21-2009, 09:04 PM
  4. [INFJ] INFJ, inner life a little too rich?
    By littledarling in forum The NF Idyllic (ENFP, INFP, ENFJ, INFJ)
    Replies: 36
    Last Post: 02-18-2009, 02:23 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
Single Sign On provided by vBSSO