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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #11
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    I used to be so bad about this when I was younger. Being an introvert makes it much easier to deal with things inside myself. Being intuitive makes you think that it's OK to shut someone out because lots of other possibilities will open up elsewhere. Being a feeler makes you not want to alienate other people by putting things out in the open that might make you both uncomfortable. And being a judger makes you act much more quickly and with more finality than you really should have -- and then you realize it's too late. And then you end up feeling even worse! I'm not saying any of this to justify your friend's behavior, because it is immature behavior, but hopefully you'll understand that it's not really a slap in the face to you, but more of a "this got out of control and this is the best way I know of to handle it" message on her part.

  2. #12
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    In my case, I have doorslammed an older person, a relative in fact, and in my cultural context, it is a no-no. Well, that person deserved it. There, I have said it!!! But it used to be that I took too much responsibility for whether a relationship (in the general sense not the romantic sense) worked or not. Now, I'm like, people can be dishonest, manipulative and nasty and sometimes downright invasive and I have had it analyzing where exactly I might have 'contributed' to them being like this towards me! Bah.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
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    I may have ambiguous feelings about my part in the events that led to a doorslam, but I don't think I've ever regretted doing it (have only done it a few times). If I doorslam you, you probably deserve it and it was a damn long time in coming.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  4. #14
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    ^this
    Love is the point.

  5. #15
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    Doorslamming... hmm. Well, at least you're aware of that INFJ habit. It's a shameful thing which most people don't know about.

    In the past, there were usually three different reasons I've done a door slam. And not just to individuals, but to entire situations, too.

    a) After a big emotional scene. Like graduating high school. I'm not open about feelings, but when school ended, I told everyone how much I thought of them. That sudden, severe exposure caused me to immediately run away out of vulnerability. Exposing intense emotions (whether it be photos of slit wrists or declarations of love) can lead to a door slam.

    b) When a friendship inhibits personal growth. Not saying I can't have lifelong friends, but when a friend is holding me back from growing (or vice versa), I need to let go. Mostly, the people I have door slammed all hang out with the same people from school, gossip about the same people, hold the same beliefs, and haven't really broadened their horizons. It's like perpetual high school. I wish I could be like them, but it's just not my nature.

    c) The expiration date. I don't go into friendships thinking they are going to end, but many times in the past, people (often girls) would come into my life in need of a "savior." Someone to listen to their problems and help them sort out sticky emotional situations. The problem with this is, when everything's fixed, I just assume they don't need me anymore and the hinges start squeaking. It's not a malicious thing, but when the friendship was cemented over a common theme (their problems), I feel like it wouldn't be fair for me to hang on as a possible reminder of their unfortunate episode.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Array wedekit's Avatar
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    Whenever someone does something intentionally wrong to me it just makes more sense to cut them out of my life. To be honest, I usually am not able to see any clear reason why I should ever risk trusting them again. I've definitely slammed the door on some major people (at the time) in my life, and most of them never got to see that door opened again.

    I'm also guilty of not sharing with them why I choose not to associate myself with them anymore. If I don't want to let them back in then I don't see a reason to discuss with them why I am angry.

    For example, after 5 months my ex broke up with me. He told me he didn't see himself in a relationship when he went to college in the fall (in St. Louis). I told him that made sense, and we agreed to try and be friends. Two days later Facebook informed me he was dating someone else. I unadded him from my friends and haven't spoken to him since. He sent me a message asking why we weren't friends anymore... I didn't reply. We live in the same small town, so I'm bound to run into him eventually. I dread that day.


    Edit: I can't believe he doesn't realize why I would be upset. His profile picture when he sent me the message was of him and his new (unattractive) boyfriend. I can't believe I dated a MORON for 5 months!
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  7. #17
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    Hm. Yes, I do the doorslamming. But it has to be something really serious to take so drastic measures. Mainly if I sense a complete standstill from where there is no development to expect. Or something or somebody has such an influence on my life that I just cannot agree with, something that makes me doubt my very being and self-worth. Doorslamming for me doesn't necessarily mean cutting people permanently off my life, they just don't get close to me again, we are on friendly terms but nothing else, they don't occupy my mind on a daily basis.

    I don't use it for avoiding dealing with the people or issues, it just means that I've already resolved things for myself. It takes some effort to maintain and I know how selfish it seems but I get this overwhelming feeling that I need to do this. If I need serious closure then slam, I'm done. Not only with people but with certain places, activities, feelings, thoughts, etc.

  8. #18
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
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    INFJ should burn in hell. With a VIP seat and free propcorn. And refreshments. I'm hungry now.

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    Here ya go

    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
    ~ John Rogers

  10. #20
    It's always something... Array PuddleRiver's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    I may have ambiguous feelings about my part in the events that led to a doorslam, but I don't think I've ever regretted doing it (have only done it a few times). If I doorslam you, you probably deserve it and it was a damn long time in coming.
    ^This would be me.
    "In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay one invincible summer."
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    A Christian's life may be the only Bible some people ever read.
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    "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them" Maya Angelou.
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