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  1. #181

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    I did not read this whole thread but I did read most of it. I think the controversy arises from how severe people perceive a 'doorslam' to be. I know most INFJs don't go about this lightly but a doorslam is still pretty harsh. I have done this in the past but I did not know how psychologically taxing it can be on the other person.

    Ancient societies including the Amish would shun undesirables. This would cause the person to slowly start to doubt if they existed and then they would just succumb to depression and die. This is taken to to nth degree but you see my point. Cutting someone out of your life hints at the above. Here's a link that describes some of the effects:

    Shunning - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
    Stupid as a man, say the women: cowardly as a woman, say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
    Marilyn Monroe

    The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood.
    Buddha

  2. #182
    Starcrossed Seafarer Aquarelle's Avatar
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    I think I've only cut someone out of my life completely maybe once or twice - one was an ex boyfriend and one was an acquaintance who was well on his way to becoming a stalker. That time I took advantage of a move - change of address, phone number, everything.

    Other than those people, I actually tend to be the opposite. Anyone I've ever had a strong connection with, I still have a soft spot for and want them in my life, if only peripherally. Facebook is great for this - I'm friends with most of my exes and a lot of old friends (like from childhood). In this way we can maintain contact and exchange the occasional word or two, but it's not too taxing on my introverted nature and doesn't cut into the time I carve out for being alone or spending with those REALLy close to me.

  3. #183

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    I forgot to say something in my last post. I'm pretty sure this has been said but here goes. Just to reiterate what I think other INFJs might be going through.

    One of the main reasons I would doorslam someone would be because I can no longer remain objective. I can no longer compartmentalize my life or remain productive. I start to obsess and overanalyze everything about the relationship. Sometimes I go from when I met the person to the present. If I am deeply hurt and cannot maintain appearances then I start to disconnect. Usually its more to protect the other person from getting more hurt and also so I can cool down. This helps me sort it all out and start repairing so I can reconnect with others.
    Stupid as a man, say the women: cowardly as a woman, say the men. Stupidity in a woman is unwomanly.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Dogs never bite me. Just humans.
    Marilyn Monroe

    The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood.
    Buddha

  4. #184

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    I completely agree with tradewind. It's the main reason I just doorslammed an ISTP last week. It was getting to the point that it took me hours to fall asleep because I would be going over everything that happened between us. It's becoming a deep obsession, and I can longer identify the basis for why I'm still thinking about it two months later. Friends are concerned about my blank expression these days. It's not so much to save the other person but to avoid all the conflict that could occur if I were to confront the situation. I know the ISTP thinks very different and we won't be able to reach a conclusion together. In any case, he's already stopped trying to figure out why I've door slammed him and quietly accepted it. I'm waiting for when I'll be distracted by life so I'll gradually forget about everything.

  5. #185
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    I doorslammed my parents several years ago, havent spoken with them since. And I've doorslammed friends I don't really care about (I think I only have three or four real close friends, and the rest of them are just there, I wouldn't even hesitate to doorslam them). It's much easier to doorslam than get angry, upset, sad, melting in uncomfortable feelings.

    Why is this considered an INFJ thing?

  6. #186
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    Quote Originally Posted by angell_m View Post
    I doorslammed my parents several years ago, havent spoken with them since. And I've doorslammed friends I don't really care about (I think I only have three or four real close friends, and the rest of them are just there, I wouldn't even hesitate to doorslam them). It's much easier to doorslam than get angry, upset, sad, melting in uncomfortable feelings.

    Why is this considered an INFJ thing?
    It's not. I am sure others use it too. INFJs just seem to use it more frequently.

    I doorslammed both my of Sisters for years. Both of them put my actual life in danger (different incidents) , it wasn't emotional hurt.

    When it comes to hurt. People act out of character.. emotional pain is equal to temporary insanity.
    I try my best not to judge people on those moments. I would never doorslam someone I care about who is hurting no matter how much they hurt me. It's the motivation behind the doorslam that INFJs seem to use that is confounding to a lot of other people. It seems to go against everything INFJs claim to believe in.

  7. #187
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    There's a concept called NC (No Contact), in which you cut off contact with your ex after the end of the relationship in order for both of you to heal and move on. Most of the time this is necessary at the end of every relationship. It's like getting off an addiction. You need to completely stay away from the drug until you heal. This is not 'doorslamming'.

    When you stop putting effort into a relationship and start to 'drift apart', it's not 'doorslamming' either.

    In my understanding, a doorslam means you don't ever wish to have anything to do with the person again in your life. You consciously shut them out and stop acknowledging their existence. It's harsh, and it's cruel, and should only be used as a last resort. I find it a bit worrying that a lot of people are starting to view it as one of the normal options when dealing with relationships and start to say things like "Oh, this person bothered me today so I just doorslammed them." It's really not something to be proud of!

  8. #188
    Senior Member mochajava's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wedekit View Post
    We all have different ways of dealing with stress. There are 3 main types of strategies:

    1. Moving TO other people: Clinging onto others, becoming dependent on them for emotional support, etc.

    2. Moving AWAY from other people: Avoiding other people.

    3. Moving AGAINST other people: Aggressiveness, fighting, breaking rules.


    INFJs would all most likely have tendency to use #2.

    ... RA training ftw!
    This is helpful. What on here seems healthy? I definitely do a lot of #2, so then people assume I'm always chipper and problem-free (because when I'm sad, I've usually retreated, then come out when I'm okay again).

  9. #189
    Member Emerald Rain's Avatar
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    I agree that the doorslam is the last resort for us INFJs.
    I prefer to be alone and I'm very selective of letting people into my life. Letting them in means I've already figured them out (no matter how wrong that image might be), and when their personality changes, I usually back off and try the friendship process from step 1, given that they are worth the bother. Most of my slamming happens at this stage. Sometimes their new image becomes too foreign and unpleasant for me to handle, so I let them go. Usually for me, if I slammed the mahogany door, they probably deserved it, or worse yet, they've invaded my privacy somehow.




    If I slammed you-

    -Give me space.
    -Stay out my way,
    -Wait till my mind is preoccupied with something else. Which will eventually happen.


    This can be seen as selfish but it's really not. For me it's like-
    -I am insignificant, so are you.
    -Doesn't matter what I do, you'll be just fine.
    -You don't need my support and validation.
    last two facts you already because I've made it quite apparent at the beginning of our friendship.






    Wow, this post doesn't make any sense at all

  10. #190

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    Quote Originally Posted by Emerald Rain View Post
    Wow, this post doesn't make any sense at all

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