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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #171
    Professional Trickster Array Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Just to clarify, and because the point bears reiterating, I do not think that most INFJs doorslam in unhealthy ways.

    Nonetheless, I think non-INFJs in general, and ENFP's in particular, have a hard time understanding doorslamming. So please do not confuse non-INFJs struggling with understanding doorslamming (either in a healthy or unhealthy context) as the same as INFJ condemnation.

    I think that my pain with unhealthy INFJs did come out in a few of my earlier posts. And, these INFJs were not at their best when they did doorslam me. But I've come to view these as painful, though valuable, learning experiences.

    One of the most powerful ways I've grown to understand myself is by understanding my INFJ mirrors. INFJs and ENFPs are such fantastic foils. We have the exact same hierarchy of functions, only the energy direction is reversed.

    ENFP — Ne > Fi > Te > Si
    INFJ — Ni > Fe > Ti > Se

    By better understanding INFJ doorslamming, I have come to know better my own ENFP excesses... such as me not seeking closure in my relationships often enough. I learned that if I let my judgment of people hang open too long, this brings on its own uniquely ENFP hell.

    LotsOfHeart was right in saying that there are indeed destructive people out there. Had I sought more of a sense of closure, earlier on in certain of my relationships with unhealthy people, I would have avoided a lot of pain and heartbreak. If only I had kicked these goobers to the curb earlier than I did.

    So I don't want to stereotype all INFJs as irresponsible doorslammers. At the same time, overzealous doorslamming does seem to be a predictable weakness in the INFJ's psychological makeup... like failure to set clear boundaries is in mine. Let me quote my own post from earlier in this thread:

    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    Whatever the reason for shutting the door, I’ve come to accept that for INFJs doorslamming is a valid choice... even if it goes against the very essence of my ENFP sensibilities. All INFJs doorslam to some extent. It is a natural choice based on their unique mix of cognitive functions.

    But an unhealthy/immature INFJ may engage in doorslamming in maladaptive ways. The real problem comes when the INFJ overindulges in doorslamming. When cutting off contact with another person becomes an easy answer to the complicated process INFJs must undergo to process incoming information and navigate discomfort in their relationships.

    I read once that Introverted Intuition is akin to a framework for understanding. Every time new information comes into the INFJ’s psyche, they must reprocess the entire framework to incorporate the new information. This is a very laborious process. Thus, to conserve mental energy, INFJs will sometimes dismiss new information if they judge it’s a rehashing of something they've processed previously. If the INFJ isn’t careful, they will fall into the trap of dismissing outside input too readily.

    In other words, some INFJs use Fe to serve the needs of Ni by rejecting new information. A more healthy, balanced approach would be for Fe to judge whether or not the INFJ's framework is still valid given the new information coming in. This takes more mental work, but it is critical for a healthy INFJ.

    An INFJ who uses their Fe to serve the needs of their Ni, rather than to check its excesses, will be rigid in their life stance. Such an INFJ may come off as opinionated, dismissive, snobbish, or arrogant. These INFJs see only what they want to see and are sorely lacking in humility.

    Thus, these unhealthy INFJs will doorslam people who threaten their framework (aka Ni). (This is just another a way of dismissing outside input isn't it? By killing the messenger?) This is kind of doorslamming is unhealthy, needlessly hurtful, and just plain immature. Not every INFJ does this, but the ones that do need a good kick in the *ss.

  2. #172
    Senior Member Array HollyGolightly's Avatar
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    Oh I was referring to what people have said to me personally. I've met a lot of people on forums and they say things like: "You must be Queen of the doorslam because your INFJ" or if I show my discomfort at something they have said: "Oh I suppose you're gonna doorslam me now because that what you INFJs do." But I do attract unhealthy and stupid people.

    And I didn't read your post, Esoteric Wench. But I totally agree with what you said.
    "Dad I can't feel my legs."

    "That's because you don't have any arms."

  3. #173
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    .

    Had I sought more of a sense of closure, earlier on in certain of my relationships with unhealthy people, I would have avoided a lot of pain and heartbreak. If only I had kicked these goobers to the curb earlier than I did. :
    LOL goobers
    A hero is someone who does the right thing without expectation of reward, just because it's the right thing to do.

  4. #174

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    Whenever I read the thread title I automatically finish it in my head with "you probably deserve it".

    Just saying, I personally don't doorslam lightly at all.

  5. #175
    Professional Trickster Array Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lightyear View Post
    Whenever I read the thread title I automatically finish it in my head with "you probably deserve it". Just saying, I personally don't doorslam lightly at all.
    Then, I'm sure you don't, Lightyear. But let me ask you to consider these two phrases:

    #1
    "Disappointing people come in all MBTI flavors." - Marmalade.sunrise <---- One of my favorite kernels of truth that I've read on this forum. In other words, not every INFJ is emotionally healthy. Doorslamming is value neutral. It can be used for good or bad. Just because the door was slammed, doesn't mean the slam-ee deserved it. There are a few unhealthy INFJs roaming the streets out there.

    #2
    "No one ever got electrocuted on a wire they thought was hot." INFJs (like all NFs) care very much about doing the right thing.* I'm sure that almost every INFJ who has doorslammed someone felt like this was the right call. If they didn't believe the person deserved it / it was the best thing to do, then the door would not have been slammed.

    However, that doesn't mean that doorslamming was the only option, or even the best option for the INFJ to pursue. I think that what I've learned is that sometimes it is, and sometimes it's not.... And, that if INFJs err... they are going to err on the side of the overly reactionary doorslam. All personality types have their inherent strengths and weaknesses. For example, ENFPs are going to err on the side of not doorslamming soon enough. <---- I've never done this. No sirree bob.


    *I'm not saying other temperaments are more prone to behave unethically than NFs. It's just that NFs have a particular, uniquely NF consciousness about doing the right thing. NFs are all about intentional living. So part of that intentional process is running a value check on what they do... before, during, and after they do it.

  6. #176
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    My question is this.. Why does it seem almost incomprihensable to INFJs that perhaps it was something in their own behavior that caused a behavioural reaction in the person they ended up doorslamming?

    INFJs in this thread seem to be olblivious at times to the effect they have on people. This has already been touched on in a positive light. In that maybe INFJs underestimate their value to others. It stands to reason then, that maybe they underesitmate the effect of their nagative and innapropriate behaviros as well.
    An Insecure INFJ can really bring out the insecurities in others. a Conflicted INFJ can end being rather hypocritical as they struggle with their inner conflict, as well as deflective, if others recognize their struggle.
    This can be very confusing to those who love them and it brings out some their own self preservative and defensive behaviors in reaction.
    Someone telling you they love you, while their behavior says otherwise, will eventually bring out a negative reaction in almost anyone.

  7. #177
    Senior Member Array milkyway2's Avatar
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    Wow the more I read this forum the more I think I am an infj. But either way, I have done this to multiple friends. Just stopped talking to them and cut them out of my life. And I'm notsure why I did it every time, but a couple was because they were getting too close/ clingy.... I guess I just need a lot of space and when I felt like they were too up in my business I just decided to not be friends with them anymore...

  8. #178
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by milkyway2 View Post
    Wow the more I read this forum the more I think I am an infj. But either way, I have done this to multiple friends. Just stopped talking to them and cut them out of my life. And I'm notsure why I did it every time, but a couple was because they were getting too close/ clingy.... I guess I just need a lot of space and when I felt like they were too up in my business I just decided to not be friends with them anymore...
    It might be worth mentioning that a few of us INFJs who've posted in this thread are enneagram type 5, and e5 types are usually INTPs. So it wouldn't surprise me if some INTPs can strongly relate.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  9. #179
    Professional Trickster Array Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Z Buck McFate, I think you bring up a good point here.

    I only recently began to delve into the Enneagram. However, I've already come to respect that knowing someone's enneagram brings to the table another dimension of understanding of that persons behavior that is not forthcoming from MBTI alone.

    I'm 7w8 so. (I hope I wrote that correctly.)

  10. #180

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    I have cut contact off before as a means to think things over alone and to come to a decision about something, but I returned after coming to a conclusion. A permanent doorslam is my last resort after exhausting other avenues.

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