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  1. #151
    Senior Member burymecloser's Avatar
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    Fidelia and others: thanks. I'm now really questioning my initial (Ti) interpretation of an INFJ's motives. Here's the message I got in mid-April (everything edited out is personal information):
    Just wanted to say happy birthday and that I'm thinking of you.

    I still have two half-written emails that I wrote to you in January and February- I didn't stop writing because i didn't want to be in contact or anything- it was just one thing after another kept coming at me - <redacted> -- and then felt bad for not writing, so I kept procrastinating....anyway you get the picture. I'm really sorry.

    <redacted>

    I hope you have a great birthday. Drop me a line if you get a chance. Would love to hear from you.Sorry again for not writing for so long.
    Can other INFJs identify with the tone/ideas expressed here? If you were in the writer's position, what would you think if you got a response at this point, nearly two months later?

    Red wine on the house for anyone who can help.

  2. #152
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    Sounds like he truly would like to stay in touch. In fact I laughed when I read it, because I have written almost those exact words to people I really like and do wish to remain close to. No door slam or even particularly bad feelings from the tone there.

    I tend to worry when I get no response, even when I seem to have taken my time to write back. No news is always bad news. My feeling of getting a response back nearly two months later would be tremendous relief. I'm very bad at dealing with a complete absence of information. Even a negative response would be so much better than just wondering. You can at least work with that and there's some hope of restoring the friendship if there is at least some talking happening.

    Whether it's writing to someone or cleaning, sometimes I'll put off doing it for a long while, but all the sudden wake up one day and have all of this energy and desire to write to one specific person or do go crazy with making the place look great.

    It also really depends on my emotional energy at the time, especially if I want to be honest with the person about how I really am and show the proper concern for them. There was one person from this forum that I used to write to every day. I feel terribly bad for suddenly quitting, but I was working at a very demanding job, both time wise and emotions wise. I just didn't have it left in me at the end of the day. Even now that the job is quit, I want to write again, but now it seems like such an enormous task to catch us up (even though I don't think that expectation is there) that I have put it off.

    Another person is someone that I corresponded with last year during a really hard time when I was living in an isolated community and someone I had dated for a long time broke up and then spent several months falling apart and acting very out of character. Our correspondance was a nice diversion and he was an interesting person to talk to even though I was not interested in him romantically. However, in the flurry of moving etc and then starting a new job, I suddenly dropped off. Even now, he responds right away when I write (he's on the other side of the world travelling), but it often takes me awhile to write back. I feel bad about this and can't even quite tell why I do it. Maybe he is associated on an unconscious level with that hard time in my life and so it conjures up some of those feelings again. I don't know. But again, I feel terribly guilty as he's an interesting, thoughtful person.

    Lastly is one of my best friends from grad school. He ended up meeting up with his childhood sweetheart shortly after I went home and he had stayed on to finish his doctorate. Even though I like him and miss him, there was an undercurrent in our friendship where he would have been amenable to dating even though I wasn't interested. He didn't push the issue or even bring it up. However, after his fiancee was in the picture, I realized that I didn't want to be in too constant of touch because I didn't want her to feel threatened.

    Anyway, I wouldn't say this behaviour is atypical, and in most cases it means that the INFJ likes you more rather than less. It isn't designed to be manipulative or keep you from moving on. Hope that's of some help...

  3. #153
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Sounds like he truly would like to stay in touch. In fact I laughed when I read it, because I have written almost those exact words to people I really like and do wish to remain close to. No door slam or even particularly bad feelings from the tone there.

    I tend to worry when I get no response, even when I seem to have taken my time to write back. No news is always bad news. My feeling of getting a response back nearly two months later would be tremendous relief. I'm very bad at dealing with a complete absence of information. Even a negative response would be so much better than just wondering. You can at least work with that and there's some hope of restoring the friendship if there is at least some talking happening.

  4. #154
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    This thread in smilies: :eek::confused:
    /

  5. #155
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    This thread in smilies: :eek::confused:
    /
    I love the randomness of ENTPs. Such an ability to detach from the heartfelt emotional outpourings on this thread and sum it up with smilies. Excellent.

  6. #156
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    Sounds like he truly would like to stay in touch. In fact I laughed when I read it, because I have written almost those exact words to people I really like and do wish to remain close to. No door slam or even particularly bad feelings from the tone there.

    Anyway, I wouldn't say this behaviour is atypical, and in most cases it means that the INFJ likes you more rather than less. It isn't designed to be manipulative or keep you from moving on. Hope that's of some help...
    Same here, actually, with “I have written almost those exact words to people I really like”.

    I don’t think it’s typical for an INFJ to say “thinking of you” in a flippant way. If we say that to someone, it’s usually because we really do think about the person fondly and often. Of course- if there’s any INFJ reading this who disagrees, it’s available AND encouraged to speak up- but I think it kind of goes against the grain of the INFJ ‘need for consistency in our external environment’ to express affection that is fleeting or sporadic.

    Quote Originally Posted by burymecloser View Post
    Can other INFJs identify with the tone/ideas expressed here? If you were in the writer's position, what would you think if you got a response at this point, nearly two months later?
    I can strongly identify with the tone. And like fidelia, I would be very relieved to get a response. Even an angry response is better than no response. I realize how hypocritical that sounds- coming from an INFJ, on a thread about ‘doorslamming’ no less- but it’s true.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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  7. #157
    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    This thread in smilies: :eek::confused:
    /
    Chill pill in smilies:

    It seems like there should be an emoticon for doorslam.


    edit: for the record, the chill pill is for the thread- not for phobik, who I think is being really funny.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

    5w4 sx/sp Johari / Nohari

  8. #158
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Esoteric Wench View Post
    I love the randomness of ENTPs. Such an ability to detach from the heartfelt emotional outpourings on this thread and sum it up with smilies. Excellent.



    Quote Originally Posted by Z Buck McFate View Post
    Chill pill in smilies:

    It seems like there should be an emoticon for doorslam.



    edit: for the record, the chill pill is for the thread- not for phobik, who I think is being really funny.
    *swallows* Huh what? Now you tell me?

  9. #159
    Professional Trickster Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    I absolutely fell over laughing when I saw this. We need to petition the typologycentral.com powers that be to add this as an official emoticon on this Website. Excellent again. Nay... fantastic.


  10. #160
    Symbolic Herald Vasilisa's Avatar
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    I feel bad for those of other types who care about an INFJ who behaves like me because sometimes it is difficult for us to keep in touch the way that we and others would like.

    Dear True Friend,
    When you are physically in my day-to-day life I am very psychically giving and emotionally supportive naturally. (This is part of the reason I cannot tolerate toxic people and I doorslam them). But when you are not physically in my present life it is hard for me to keep up that level of intensity over distance. I feel guilty about that. I am sorry. But since I truly love you then please know that I don't ever forget our cherished friendship and experiences together. I relive them in my mind and they are so close to me, they last forever without fading. So even though you might not be existing in my day to day life, you are nurturing me by continuing to exist in my inner life. I will always value and honor you in my heart, its just a bit harder for me to express it physically the way many others do. This is why I may not write as frequently as I promised or it might seem like I have grown distant. Please be patient and please don't give up on me.
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