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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #141
    Iron Maiden Array fidelia's Avatar
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    The more important some communication is, the worse I am at writing. Or I'll start something, but want to include everything, not have time and then it gets old. Some of my closest friends are ones that I have done very poorly at keeping in touch with, not because I don't think of them, but because I really, really want to do a good job of writing them. Sometimes I solve it just by phoning and catching up, then it makes the writing a manageable amount, particularly if there's something between us to be addressed. If you're not on phoning terms, that option isn't open to him. It may be a compliment, more than a comment on how unimportant you are.

  2. #142
    4x9 Array cascadeco's Avatar
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    I've mentioned this in other threads on the board, but when it comes to long-distance friendships, I'm not much of a phone person and I may only really catch up with them 4 times a year. So, yeah, there could totally be 3-month stretches without any communication to speak of. And, I do consider a few of these folks to be very important to me; very close, good friends --> the fact that I maintain these friendships over the months/years means I really value them. And whenever we do catch up, it's as if there hadn't been a big gap - things pick up just where they left off, very naturally. If I did not value them highly, I would let them go completely...which is why after a move, I pretty much don't keep in touch with any of my acquaintances/not-super-good-friends. Also, it goes both ways too - these friends are similar to me in that they don't call often either, so I guess we have an understanding or are simply similar in this way.

    I think too my concept of Time can be a little odd compared to some. I may not even notice long stretches, or I might not think it reflects a lack of care/value.

    (Although I know to many, the gaps in between communication might seem to contradict that I really value them - but, our friendship when we lived close to one another was never based on the phone, either, so in essence that aspect of things remained totally the same after we lived farther apart)
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  3. #143
    Senior Member Array the state i am in's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    The more important some communication is, the worse I am at writing. Or I'll start something, but want to include everything, not have time and then it gets old. Some of my closest friends are ones that I have done very poorly at keeping in touch with, not because I don't think of them, but because I really, really want to do a good job of writing them. Sometimes I solve it just by phoning and catching up, then it makes the writing a manageable amount, particularly if there's something between us to be addressed. If you're not on phoning terms, that option isn't open to him. It may be a compliment, more than a comment on how unimportant you are.
    i just lack initiation energy most of the time. i get overrun as is with all kinds of tangled ideas and projections and trying to keep it all straight and keep everyday life on track gets to be quite a lot to handle in its own right. i want too much too fast so i have to make up for overdoing it a lot, working on something til 4 am, not taking care of myself, etc.

    i like the theory that introverts are lower in dopamine. especially pertaining to e4, e5, and e9 with regards to this. i know i get way more energized from adrenaline and ideas than i get from accomplishing tasks and feeling the reward of getting something done, which can be a vicious kind of cycle. it just takes a lot more of a kind of currency i don't have a surplus of to extrovert consistently. e7s, on the other hand, seem like they have so much of every kind of energy. i'll never get half as much done as them, but i'll do twice as much thinking.

    overall it makes me feel fickle and temperamental. it's easiest with my ntp friends bc they don't care and seem to understand well enough. they distance such behavior from an explanation of how i relate to them and read it more as a basic sign that i'm an introvert, at times behave illogically, and spend a lot of energy on my own mental projects. i think i spend so much time in these imagined workings that i can drift a little too far from experience which helps ground me to my own life and the people around me who i enjoy very much. i'm guessing other infjs, especially e5s, have somewhat similar experience.

  4. #144
    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    Just like communicating in person, I'm going to write to friends about meaningful things. Sometime in my boring life, it takes a fair amount of time to go by between any major events. I'm not just going to want to write about the happenings in my life, I'm going to want to write reflectively about them and put in some thought.

    Also, I'm probably going to edit, change, delete and otherwise obsess over the letter until I'm truly satisfied with how it reads.
    My letter to a good friend will sound sincere and have some point, not just like "talking for the sake of talking" in written form.
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  5. #145
    FRACTALICIOUS Array phobik's Avatar
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    You people could use a chill pill.

  6. #146
    wants Mifune clone minion Array Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    I tend to not write or contact someone until something happens to trigger some really fond association specifically with that person. A lot of that is because I don’t like getting called or contacted “just because we haven’t talked in a while”; obligatory contact feels stale and inauthentic, and enough of it with a person can erode a friendship (imo). I can sense the ‘obligatory’ calls/messages- because the person doesn’t call to connect with me, they’re just following through with usual social convention- and it sometimes annoys me. Instead of giving some indication that the urge to call had anything to do with me per se (i.e. “I saw an exhibit by that artist you mentioned…”) - they might ask several generic questions and give several generic answers (the same generic questions/answers every time they call, leading me to believe they aren’t even paying attention to the conversation). And because it annoys me, I instinctively don’t do it to other people; though I try to make the effort with a couple of people who have made it clear they’d rather hear prattle from me every 3 or 4 months than only hear from me once a year. I don’t understand it, but I’ll respect that it’s true for someone if they tell me.

    Thing is, they do need to tell me, I never assume “I should call ____, because it’s been a while.” When left to my own devices, I only call when I’ve been thinking a lot about someone- and for me, it really isn’t an indication of how much I respect them or like them.

    Quote Originally Posted by cascadeco View Post
    I think too my concept of Time can be a little odd compared to some. I may not even notice long stretches, or I might not think it reflects a lack of care/value.
    Definitely true for me as well. I tend to be friends with people who won’t take it personally that I get so lost in my thoughts that I might not call for long spans of time (like state mentioned, I have a rather close INTP friend who couldn’t be more awesome in this regard). I've only recently been thinking it's something I might want to work on; I've probably inadvertently made a few people feel the way burymecloser described in her post. It's just such a different viewpoint from my own, like I said- when left to my own devices it just doesn't occur to me that it might be offensive. I have to be told. And unfortunately, the people who get offended are usually uncomfortable with directly explaining they've been offended by it.

    I’m really not sure how common this is for INFJs, but it’s prolly true at least for the e5s.

    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    You people could use a chill pill.
    It’s true. I am, more often than not, in need of a chill pill.
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  7. #147
    Senior Member Array cafe's Avatar
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    LOL. I will take that chill pill right after I stop thinking so much, get out more, and quit taking everything so personally!

    Anyway, I just figured out what my doorslams have in common -- feeling as though I was being attacked in my own home.

    I guess with me, inviting yourself into my home and then criticizing me, browbeating me, or telling me what a horrible person I am will get you put on the other side of a closed and locked door, figuratively and literally.

    FWIW, I am horrible about keeping in touch, even with people I adore. Having some nasty anxiety about calling people doesn't help.

    So far the best solution has been facebook. I wish my dad and my son's former teacher were on facebook.
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  8. #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by fidelia View Post
    The more important some communication is, the worse I am at writing. Or I'll start something, but want to include everything, not have time and then it gets old. Some of my closest friends are ones that I have done very poorly at keeping in touch with, not because I don't think of them, but because I really, really want to do a good job of writing them. Sometimes I solve it just by phoning and catching up, then it makes the writing a manageable amount, particularly if there's something between us to be addressed. If you're not on phoning terms, that option isn't open to him. It may be a compliment, more than a comment on how unimportant you are.
    I'm just like this. I almost never write because I want to include everything. Writing's important to me and I take my time. So, I also use phone calls to catch up. My good friends understand when they don't hear from me for long periods. When we do talk, it's as if time hasn't passed.

    I remember reading about INFPs or INFJs that when good friends are absent for long periods, they never feel as if they've lost touched. It's as if once a friend always a friend, regardless of time, distance, amount of contact. Very true for me.

  9. #149
    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    Chill pills are over rated, a glass of red wine sounds better to me
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  10. #150
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quiet View Post
    Chill pills are over rated, a glass of red wine sounds better to me
    I've got to agree. Having one now. But only reds.

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