^^I have a story for you haha. When I read this first scenario I about fell out of my...bed (I almost said seat but the truth of it... I was in bed haha)...this is just very remarkable to me...1) When I was younger, I used to actually believe that if I suffered it would somehow either relieve or make up for the suffering of others. Perhaps he thought that he was somehow atoning for telling you off and being wrong. I realized that this type of thinking wasn't very realistic, but it's still kind of there.
I recently said in another thread that I don't always trust myself with NFJ typings. I mean, I think I went back and forth between reading the general INFJ description...and staring wide-eyed at my sister holding her INFJ test results in her hand a hundred times over... "Soooooooooo...you...relate to this do you? You feel this describes you well...this description fits you? Are you sure? Here, why don't you just read it over one more time..." <-no exaggeration here...this conversation took place as presented. And yes, she was starting to get pissed at me for questioning it haha (her switch almost flipped so I was all..."because I think it's you to a tee...that's what it is...INFJ sister" and disaster was averted.) I know a different kind of INFJ.
A long standing friend from my childhood... I've always suspected she was INFJ but again...if she is she falls way outside of your standard INFJ description. She did precisely what you outlined in 1. And it freaked me out so bad I did an accelerated drifting away from her (or a whimpy, half-hearted ENFP version of the doorslam.) I mean, I remember telling Z Buck "I've doorslammed someone before..." but of course I couldn't remember why I did. I think I just indicated to Z that my friend was being unbearably depressing or something...but she was doing exactly what you wrote about. She had betrayed another friend in a very bad way...but she wouldn't confess (?). Instead...she punished herself. She restricted herself from everything and wouldn't allow herself to have any fun. She put herself into suffering. And me as a young e7? It was...I don't even have the words. But she still wanted to hang-out with me during the suffering (?)...but it caused me such a great deal of anxiety and I had to do the 'insta-distance.' So interesting Eilonwy.
As an ENFP e7 child...I grew-up wrong. I expect to be wrong haha. So I have no attachment to being 'right' and have a difficult time understanding this as well. But I definitely think this was a factor. I believe he also knew I would have given him a large piece of my mind... he had treated me so poorly, blaming, condescendingly...I would not have minced a single word. And I'm assuming he wanted to avoid that (which bothers me frankly because not understanding it well...it seems cowardly. So you can do all of this...but you won't stick around to see what you started through? Hmmm.) And I do know he was nursing more shame than I will experience in my lifetime. I saw sorry on his face - I did. God, he would walk up to me and stand there shaking. I do know he was truly, truly sorry...so I want that known.2) I can get very attached to my explanations of what's going on. Add to that, that something in me makes me feel that I have to be perfect and right. To admit to being wrong can be embarrassing and shameful to me. To have hurt someone can also be embarrassing and shameful to me. Unfortunately, the shame from the former (being wrong) can actually overwhelm the shame from the latter (hurting someone), and I will selfishly nurse my own feelings instead of prioritizing the feelings of the person I hurt.
thank you for everything Eilonwy...I appreciate it so much.