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Thread: When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

  1. #131
    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    Starryknights I just re-read my post and yes, it does sound pretty aweful. I appologize for it sounding so condesending. Please blame it on poor planning, it brought me embarrassment and it does need to be explained.

    Yes, we will at times need to avoid conflict if there has been an extended period of stressful interractions with someone. if we have tried to give a friend or a lover a whole ton of understanding and empathy, with many times not receiving the same in return, we will eventually just cut ties. See, what happens inside us is we begin to feel drained, and like we are failing our friend or lover. We will eventually just avoid dialogue all together.

    The second part means, that after we have hit that mark, we have analyzed the entire situation, categorized specifics and organized them into meanings (Ni) and determined how we feel about everything. If we have determined an individual to have too hard a time "understanding" us due to their own feelings making it hard to be objective, then we may deem it as "adding fuel to fire" by continuing to try and talk or answer questions. This is what I meant by Fe helping us understand the big picture and others, when their Fi has them in subjective place. I'm going to add as well, that I associate Fi with "Passion", and that is a good thing. In other words, I'm not trying to sound like I'm insulting Fi. I have it too in certain instances, as we all swim in and out of types in life depending on what situations we end up in. We have to lean on our other functions to survive unfamiliar territory.

    In short, it's many INFJ's experience to need to have closure in their own minds, and is seemingly selfish as we don't always conduct it in an up front manner. Reason being what I just explained.

    Regarding that post, as I spend most of my time on the forum posting from my phone, I will wait until tomorrow to delete that post when I'm at my computer. I must appologize for it once again, but I have been under a lot of stress lately and have not been myself.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  2. #132
    Immanentize the Eschaton Array Starry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quiet View Post
    Yes, we will at times need to avoid conflict if there has been an extended period of stressful interractions with someone. if we have tried to give a friend or a lover a whole ton of understanding and empathy, with many times not receiving the same in return, we will eventually just cut ties. See, what happens inside us is we begin to feel drained, and like we are failing our friend or lover. We will eventually just avoid dialogue all together.

    The second part means, that after we have hit that mark, we have analyzed the entire situation, categorized specifics and organized them into meanings (Ni) and determined how we feel about everything. If we have determined an individual to have too hard a time "understanding" us due to their own feelings making it hard to be objective, then we may deem it as "adding fuel to fire" by continuing to try and talk or answer questions. .
    Hello Quiet. I hope you are enjoying your day…and I certainly hope you are not feeling ‎uncomfortable about your recent post. I just didn’t grasp it properly. I am certain other INFJs ‎could see ‘where you were coming from’…but I just couldn’t until you expanded on it (Thank ‎You!). In other words, I have seen on this site and others…responses from ENFPs ‘accused’ of ‎being arrogant, pushy, inappropriate, etc. yet when I read the same (ENFP) response…I know ‎exactly what the individual was attempting to convey and the innocent and kindly manner in ‎which the message was intended (but failed to be taken as such).‎

    It actually helps me learn how and in which areas I am more likely to be misunderstood…and ‎boy do I wish I had a dollar for every time that has happened. I’d be rich enough to never have ‎to explain myself again!‎

    Please do not feel embarrassed with regards to your post. I figured I was interpreting it ‎incorrectly, however, I was fully prepared for you to come back and say ‘yes, this is how INFJs ‎think about those they have doorslammed’. And I would have appreciated the honesty. Not be ‎upset in the least – seriously. I believe I also misinterpreted your post…because I have read and ‎reread (rubbing my eyes to make sure I was seeing correctly) messages from INFJs all over the ‎internet…that seem to almost hint at what I relayed back to you. And I really want/wanted to ‎know what the truth is as I’m doing what I can right now to try and comprehend the INFJ type. ‎Do INFJs truly believe they know it all? As in what is best for a particular relationship? How the ‎other person will respond to certain things? I wouldn’t judge INFJs for taking this stance…I’m ‎not that type of person (literally lots of P). But it would just steer me away from the INFJ ‎type in relationships because I need to be an equal and contributing member of any relationship I ‎am in. No big deal.‎

    I hesitate to even mention this as you seemed to have felt sadly about the original message I ‎asked for clarification on. I only wish you understood how grateful I am that you are assisting ‎me in learning how I can improve an important relationship in my life or let it go – what an ‎amazing gift gift…one that I will never be able to repay. Nevertheless, there still appears to be a ‎‎‘lack of participation/contribution/involvement in the decision making process’ on the part of the ‎other in the second explanation you put forth. And that is okay. Again, I am not judging. I feel ‎this way, though, within my relationship with an INFJ and so that is why I am demonstrating ‎concern.‎

    If my INFJ was providing me with boat loads of understanding and empathy to the point of him ‎feeling drained I would like to know about it (I don’t think this comes into play with regards to ‎my doorslam but I do think he ‘gives’ a lot in his head and believes it is apparent outwardly ‎when it really isn’t). If my INFJ feels he is failing me…I’d like to have some say in the matter. ‎I’d like my opinion of how he is absolutely not failing me to enter into the formulation of his ‎opinion about himself. I’d like to be consulted on whether or not I ‘understand’ my INFJ and ‎whether or not my subjective feelings are truly interfering with objective thought, etc. Ask and I ‎may surprise you.‎

    This is not something that needs to be worked through today or on this doorslam thread even. ‎But starting to put this together in my mind is really good for me. And that is why I appreciate ‎you so much Quiet. BTW – I am super stressed as well. I actually think I'm borderline-depressed and feeling awful knowing things are not right with my INFJ. Please know that I am here for you as you ‎have been here for me.‎

  3. #133
    Senior Member Array Winds of Thor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Quiet View Post
    If we can avoid conflict, we will. If we have to eat your pain plus our own while avoiding an awkward chat in which we need to answer questions that would require time to think about, we will take that route. We know the entire thing anyway and understand that an individual who opperates on the basis of Fi, will take the pain in a concentrated way. We would rather leave your questions unanswered to save you, we'll feel it for you instead because we understand, and stand from an Fe perspective.
    The introverted perception lets you believe you know every bit of important detail..But what about all of reality.
    "..And the eight and final rule: If this is your first time at Fight Club, you have to fight."
    'Men are meant to be with women. The rest is perversion and mental illness.'

  4. #134
    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    I'm glad I was able to help explain things for you StarryKnights. Also thanks for the offer to help me if I ever need it.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  5. #135
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    I have found INFJs, the few I have known, to be one of the more forgiving and understanding types...the INTJs, ENFJs, and ESFPs have been the ones who have doorslammed me!

  6. #136
    Senior Member Array Quiet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by clairebear8 View Post
    I have found INFJs, the few I have known, to be one of the more forgiving and understanding types...the INTJs, ENFJs, and ESFPs have been the ones who have doorslammed me!
    It takes a heck of a lot for me to door slam someone. I have to feel like I have exsausted all other solutions and that I have completely failed. Also, it matters how much the person / relationship means to me.

    I have just recently doorslammed our landlords as they did not tell us they wanted to sell the house we are renting from them (meaning we will have to move), and we only moved here last Christmas. Now my ISTP boyfriend has to deal with them (he hates having responsibilities like this), and I refuse to even respond to their emails regarding anything. I'm sure they must have figured it out by now though.
    "What's Taters, Precious?" --- Gollum.

    "Bring your pretty face, to my axe". --- Gimly.

  7. #137
    Professional Trickster Array Esoteric Wench's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    Hello Esoteric Wench. Oh believe me...I feel your pain. And sometimes I still feel it. I guess a huge part of my pain was expecting him to do what I would have done had the roles been reversed.

    If I doubted a friend, gave them a good doorslammin, gave them those 'you are a pathetic little person' stares whenever I silently passed...AND THEN found out I was in the wrong?? OH MY GOD...I promise you the earth would cease to revolve!!! And I would be spending the rest of my life doing everything in my power to make up for the hurt I caused that person.

    All I needed was a sincere 'I'm so sorry' for it to be done with. And when that never came...ouch. I've never experienced anything that even borders on this. Now when he sees me...I'll get a long, sad look...and nothing else... It feels like being rejected at the 'soul' level...twice.

    I am doing everything I can to remain open-minded to the fact that not everyone behaves in the same way or in a way that I will find 'most desirable'
    Ahhhh StarryKnights. You did a perfect job of describing how this felt for me and my INFJ friend. Reading your candid story was an incredibly validating experience for me. And has helped me to forgive myself for whatever mistakes I made in the matter. Because I did make some mistakes.

    Part of the reason I started ruminating about MBTI again (OK, I'm sort of obsessed with it and have been for @ two years now), is that it is such an incredibly powerful tool. It allows us to understand the boxes we're all in... and which we are often unaware.

    On Saturday, I ran into my INFJ friend who doorslammed me. We gave each other our now hallmark long, meaningful, highly communicative stare. And while I looked at him, I thought about all that I've learned in the past 18 months that has helped me better understand why I immediately felt a special kinship with him (and he for me... though I think there was a time lag between my Ne and his Ni picking up on the whole INFJ/ENFP weirdly powerful resonance thing); why we both overwhelmed each other emotionally during our first interactions; why he eventually doorslammed me; and finally why I responded to his doorslam in the way I did. In retrospect these all seem predictable events if you understand how his and my respective hierarchies of functions made our respective choices seem natural and logical.

    I feel like such a prisoner to my genetic fate sometimes. The very essence of me is because I prefer one cognitive function over another. But, I do indeed have free will. I can choose to be aware of the box that I was born into and choose to not let it limit me so much.

    Perhaps this is why I didn’t feel my normal hurt and bafflement when I saw my INFJ this weekend. Instead, I saw him for what he is. A basically decent man… fallible yes… but a good guy who was trying to do the best he could based on his value system with all its inherent biases. In other words, he’s just like me (well except for the man part).

    I think I finally, truly, and completely forgave him at that moment. And, I couldn’t have done that without learning what I have on this very thread. <Sigh.> I wish I could call him up right now and discuss all this with him. Maybe one day we’ll be friends again, or maybe not. But either way, I’ve learned sooooo much about myself and how to understand other people from this whole incident. Maybe that is why the fates decided that he and I would be destined to cross paths.
    Last edited by Esoteric Wench; 06-01-2010 at 03:58 AM.

  8. #138
    Senior Member Array the state i am in's Avatar
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    ^^^^ i agree with the power of the learning experiences we share on these forums.

    coming from an infj perspective, it has been monumental for me in my own life at helping me relax. coming to terms with my own fallibility has been crucial in helping me become more benevolent, compassionate, and a participant in the world rather than a withdrawing, overly rigid, hopeless creature.

    for infjs it's really easy to become bizarrely out of touch. just going back two years to read things i wrote to myself and others, it reeks of aspergers like qualities. just the feeling of the symbolic (imaginary) replacing the real, a purely linguistic and wretched creature, nothing in the world more grounded than a representation. i am so grateful for the moments when i recognize a Ti string of causal sequences showing me the logical conclusions, or a brief moment of Se zen freedom. they reconnect me to my actual life, rather than being lost in language-culture and unable to experience my own life beyond bits and pieces of ahistorical essentialized symbols.

    we struggle in a different way than p types. we have a kind of implosion--the gravity gets to be too strong and we do not have enough force to withstand it pulling us downward into our own imagined center. a fixated point of focus.

    i think it's equally fascinating to recognize the instinctual subtypes as difference-markers for different ways of being any type at all. it has helped me understand what is fair and desired and avoided by a wide variety of types, adding nuance to our processing strategies. it helps highlight the imbalances that gather steam and create more serious inner tensions/balancing acts.

    i think a very basic premise for communicating is that j types have a tendency to trust language and communication too much and p types tend to trust their own experience and their own reasoning process too much (shared social reality vs personal subjective reality). too much only in so far as they begin to assume that their chosen way is the only way.

    i think one of the infj fears is that the social reality is immoveable, unchangeable, and everlasting. like you cannot overcome it, and it gets into you and corrupts you and you knowing your own breaches based on that social reality and being fascinated by it and not looking away (maybe particularly 5w4 sx/sp) and watching it draw you too close until you can no longer pull away. and you not feeling like you have the strength to withstand those breaches, to fortify them, to keep trying in the face of such _____ disappointment, frustration, humiliation, disillusionment, vulnerability, hostility, irrationality, mean-spiritedness, etc. or how arbitrary the world can seem as it is currently constructed, how far away it is from the ideals we espouse and portend as cornerstones of what makes human life meaningful at all.

  9. #139
    Allergic to Mornings Array ergophobe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by StarryKnights View Post
    ‎Do INFJs truly believe they know it all? As in what is best for a particular relationship? How the ‎other person will respond to certain things? I wouldn’t judge INFJs for taking this stance…I’m ‎not that type of person (literally lots of P). But it would just steer me away from the INFJ ‎type in relationships because I need to be an equal and contributing member of any relationship I ‎am in. No big deal.‎

    ...If my INFJ was providing me with boat loads of understanding and empathy to the point of him ‎feeling drained I would like to know about it (I don’t think this comes into play with regards to ‎my doorslam but I do think he ‘gives’ a lot in his head and believes it is apparent outwardly ‎when it really isn’t). If my INFJ feels he is failing me…I’d like to have some say in the matter. ‎I’d like my opinion of how he is absolutely not failing me to enter into the formulation of his ‎opinion about himself. I’d like to be consulted on whether or not I ‘understand’ my INFJ and ‎whether or not my subjective feelings are truly interfering with objective thought, etc. Ask and I ‎may surprise you.‎
    Wow. Really well said. I don't think this applies to all INFJs I know - several of my closest peeps are INFJs and actually work really well at involving their significant others or however the other is defined in their internal process. However, this captures perfectly my recent frustration with an INFJ. Being excluded from figuring out how "we" work is frustrating. Even being told that the actions taken were in my best interest are frustrating because now the person gets to decide what's best for both of us without any input from me at all.

    I think this strikes such a strong chord with us ENFPs because it gets at our basic sense of fairness. We're sort of crazily bent on ensuring everyone gets their say and feels involved that when we're the ones excluded, we're just so disappointed that someone we trusted could do that....

    The bolded makes sense to me, INFJ or not, I'd like to be in a relationship where we work at something we entered into together. I'd like to be asked about what I'm capable of and willing to offer or conversely, not willing to offer. I'd like to be involved in understanding and resolving the challenges. Maybe it's more about emotional availability rather than type. Emotionally available people let others in, are willing to share more of themselves and are open to external input. Either way, if it were ,my choice to make, the exclusion would be a deal breaker.
    Last edited by ergophobe; 06-01-2010 at 02:07 PM.

  10. #140
    Senior Member Array burymecloser's Avatar
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    Lightbulb INFJs are too awesome

    This is what I love about INFJs. People come to you with problems, and you're sympathetic and helpful.

    I have kind of a weird situation. I thought I had been door-slammed, and it turns out I hadn't. My INFJ ex and I have a weird relationship, and actually don't live in the same country right now, but we were in touch at the end of last year, on very good terms, when I suddenly stopped getting emails. I scoured our messages for nuance, looking for something I did wrong, but couldn't figure anything out.

    More than three months later, I get a message on my birthday, saying explicitly that I hadn't been door-slammed, but that stuff had come up, and after a while had passed it felt weird to write to me:

    Quote Originally Posted by Vasilisa View Post
    If your INFJ friend is like me, I see a possibility that he feels burdened, not only by what he allowed to transpire, but the prospect of your expectations (or what he perceives them to be). This is difficult for me to explain, but sometimes I feel so burdened by what I think I ought to be providing to people and my own failure to do it right that I freeze and just withdraw. Its strange and it happens over things that are quite small. Thought process: "Oh, I neglected to send someone that correspondence that I meant to send, well, now its too late, I've screwed up and its so shameful and rather than make some pathetic excuse which they will reject, I won't write them, they probably don't think of me anyway"
    Not quite word-for-word, but very clearly the same thing. The message was very sweet and asked me to write back. That was more than a month ago; I haven't.

    My initial interpretation was that I obviously wasn't a very important part of my ex's life any more -- 3½ months is a damn long time -- and I was tired of getting my emotions jerked around. This isn't even the first time this happened -- we weren't in touch, and just when I had stopped thinking about my INFJ regularly, hey! there's a message. Like I couldn't be allowed to move on.

    But what Vasilisa describes echoes my situation almost precisely, and it seems to be resonating with a lot of you, so now I wonder if I misinterpreted the situation. Any guesses and/or advice would be appreciated.

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