Here's a quick little story:
Yesterday I was at our "music team" practice. We are learning a new piece that will be performed February 2nd and it's nowhere near ready. Since many of the folks in our music team do not read music, we must rely on going over each section repeatedly to sink it into auditory memory. This piece also has a couple of time changes, so keeping track of our timing overall is important and unfortunately quite messy at the moment. We've only got one more practice 'til we sing it.
Our conductor is also the "pianist" and she is usually not facing us to keep time. Sometimes I lightly tap my toes to keep my own time, whilst having one eye peeled to her fingers to watch her speed. I've been in choirs for many years and am totally aware that any extraneous tapping sound is generally distracting to keeping time overall, so I take great pains to not do it loud enough to be any kind of problem. This tapping isn't usually conscious though. However, there are times I do move my foot consciously, like when I'm not hearing the tempo properly or when the folks around me are throwing me off-beat and it helps to focus me and keep my timing solid.
Anyway, there's the preamble. Look how I'm already feeling oppressed and putting myself in a position to justify myself.
So yesterday, I was tapping my toes more than usual. We were going through this piece line by line, and people were having troubles. I'm focussing on keeping the right time and out of the blue one of the older ladies reaches over the person beside her, touches my leg, and with irritation says, "Can you stop that? I can't hear the notes". This startles me, and now what I am supposed to do? If I keep moving, I'm not being considerate of her apparent need for me to stop and keep still. If I don't move my foot, I lose one of the tools I personally find very helpful to allow me to keep time and lead our section.
What would you do?
So here's the rub: I am the person who is forced to compromise my preference here. It does not matter that it makes my experience more difficult, because by not conceding the action I would be deemed inconsiderate. Using the same teminology, she is as equally "inconsiderate" in the moment to impose her preference over mine. And yet I am not being inconsiderate for wishing to try to work through this music true to my own preference, nor is she for wishing I not tap it out. It's the judging of my behaviour that is the issue. The "toe-tapping" behaviour is not intrinsically good or bad in any way. My intention was not to be a distraction, and yet it was. It was not right for her. But I am the one who is compelled to change. Not she to adapt.
Of course, I adapted and did not move my foot for the rest of practice. I was startled though and I did let a flash of it show. After all, it's rude to jostle someone and tell them what to do. After the rehearsal, she was conciliatory and trying to explain she didn't mean to be demanding, it's just that hearing any low tones / tapping sounds makes it hard for her to concentrate on singing her notes. And I did remember her talking about tinnitus a couple of months back, so was kindly and sympathetic and made her feel ok for expressing herself, even though it did startle me in the moment and I didn't enjoy that. I just find it interesting that she feels free to impose her preferences over mine without any due consideration for why I was doing what I was doing. As though I was doing something wrong ... it's not actually wrong.
This is the purview of Je. One's preference is a lens of what other things or people should or should not do. How actions or behaviour does or does not affect you. How things should be. And the need to control the external extends into pushing and pulling the actions of the people all around you. Do this, don't do that, if you comply you are good, if you don't comply you are bad.
Subjectivity passed off as objectivity. Every.Single.Day.
Anyway, the point of this story? I've really realized that it's almost all about behaviour for Fe. Practically nothing is about the internal human landscape, the purview I think of as Fi. I figured incorrectly that INFJ's could somehow access that space indirectly. But after thousands of posts on the topic, I realize there's no read on the other to realize the internal state and adjust according to that in the moment. The person who's come closest is @Eilonwy and for that I want to say I truly appreciate her efforts. So, to answer the question of another thread, no INFJ's are not telepathic because if they were they would realize this inability to see all of these other perspectives.
Overall, I don't think any J types realize how much P types already adapt to their preferences. And the funny thing is that the J types think that other people are unreasonable! Pretty hilarious actually.
And another true story - my husband and I were talking about the cars we've had over the years a few months back and he said, "You picked out all of our cars" to which I said, "I did not, I did the research and made a recommendation, but I didn't choose what we bought. We both did." To which he replied, "Yes you did, we always buy the one you say we should buy" and after some more "discussion" on the topic, I realized that he DID NOT KNOW that the cars I really wanted I had already done the research on and deemed them inappropriate, out of the running somewhere along the line in the decision-making process. Because I did not express any initial preference, and how I had already conceded it, he felt I was advocating for my preference!
So, I've decided I am out of these discussions for now. This endless itch may never get scratched. Sorry to anyone who I haven't answered questions to.
To @March, no, I have never advocated "INFJs needing to 'give up the right to doorslam' to be a reliable partner." I don't think I've even said anything remotely close to that. But nevertheless, thanks for your post.